View Full Version : Any tips to persuade myself not to die?
I'm on citalopram. It's been four weeks and it hasn't affected me (apart from the sleepiness and bad dreams and increased anxiety). Today I feel suicidal. For a couple of hours I was planning how to die (need to go and buy rope from the shop, who to write notes to, all those practicalities). I locked myself in a toilet cubicle and cried on and off all that time.
I'm a bit calmer now but now I'm considering poison. I don't see the point in carrying on with the fight. I fight for everything against myself. I even fight to enjoy myself. The doctor said to me 'your life is important'. It reminded me of those automatic on-hold messages where they say 'your call is important to us, please hold the line'. The doctor has no idea who I am. If I stay alive, I'll need more medication, so it's profitable for her. That's my importance to her.
I'm serious, I want to die. I wish I could persuade myself to want to live.
Don't you believe in euthanasia? If someone is in so much pain that life is just terrible, they deserve to die if they want to. I deserve it too. Too much pain. I can't cope.
How do you persuade yourself that your life is worth living?
PanicOver!!
12-11-09, 15:21
Hi
I was on citalopram and it didnt work for me either so i changed to fluoxatine that did work for me.
i know you are feeling low but you can come through this
i have been in that dark place and come through it so you can too
if you want to talk please feel free to private message me
stay strong x
sarah jayne
12-11-09, 16:24
Dont let this terrible illness win. Go back to your doctor and tell them how you are feeling and that the citalopram arnt working. It will get better. If you ever need to talk then pm me.
Sarah x
nomorepanic
12-11-09, 16:45
Can I suggest you contact the Samaritans and talk to them. They are better qualified to deal with your problems than we are and I am sure they will be of great help.
The details are:
Samaritans
Samaritans provides confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress or despair, including those which could lead to suicide.
Visit their website at: http://www.samaritans.org (http://www.samaritans.org)
Contact them at:
Chris
P.O. Box 9090
Stirling
FK8 2SA
Tel: 08457 909090 (UK)
1850 609090 (ROI)
Email: jo@samaritans.org (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/mailto:jo@samaritans.org)
PanicOver!!
12-11-09, 17:00
Thanks Nic
Didnt know what to say to her
gypsywomen
12-11-09, 17:35
i do hope you get help .nic is right ,, please let us know how you are we all care
munkeyinblack
12-11-09, 17:59
Try and think back to a time when it wasnt like this. we've all been this low and with help and support you can get through it and thats when you realise why you dont want to go. Do you have someone you could speak to ? As said above the samaritans could help you. If you need a chat message me anytime. dont go through it on your own.
Munkey x
If you're on medication and feeling suicidal then there's something far wrong. Please go back to your doctor as you desperately need more help. To even feel that you want to kill yourself must be awful, I've never been there and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Please, get more help, tell the doctor how you feel and about your thoughts. You don't deserve to feel like this and shouldn't have to with all the medication available in this day and age. Promise us you'll get help.
Myra
I went back to uni, that's why it's taken so long to reply. Sorry. I'm not asking for help exactly - that's why I didn't call the Samaritans - I was asking for opinions on how anyone else persuaded themselves to live. I'm supremely incoherent when I'm too emotional - sorry again.
So, Munkey person, 'Try and think back to a time when it wasnt like this' is exactly the kind of thing I needed to hear.
I was in a desperate situation back there, but pretending to be normal in front of other people helped for a few hours until now.
There isn't anyone I really want to tell now. I called one of my friends and told him but he didn't really understand, or perhaps he thought I was exaggerating. Ultimately everyone's self centered, me included. I'll try and go to the doctor's tomorrow...
Thanks everyone for your responses.
gypsywomen
12-11-09, 19:07
nice to hear from you and your being positive ,,yes the docter will be able to help keep strong
phil09111977
12-11-09, 19:16
i do understand iv been taking anti deppressents and anti anxiety meds for 10 years im on 300mg a day now.you are taking the wrong medication and need to go back to the doctors asap and tell him everything, most importantly the suicidal thoughts.i dont think you realy want to die or you wouldnt be fighting yourself to get through this .you are stronger than you think i can tell your a fighter from your post. you can get through this given time and the correct help.please see a doctor as soon as you can.
bellabessnjet
12-11-09, 19:22
I felt the same over summer, things got that bd I just wanted it all to end. The only reason I didn't was my son and husband, otherwise I wouldn't be here today (not exagerating) However I was on citalopram 20mg for approx 4 weeks, dreadful side-effects, no sleep (not really improved yet) bad stomach, suicidal thoughts etc, I thought only 6 (max) people would miss me if that. However went back to Drs and they increased my meds to 40mg and even after 1 day felt better, now 3 weeks down the line feeling good, todays been a bit rubbish but I've had a good few days. There is hope out there, you just need to keep going, easier said then done.
Good luck to you and I wish you all the best in your recovery.
Angela
Antidepressants can have these effects. I've been on loads this year and one in particular made me feel suicidal. But you can focus on the things you have or on the things you don't have in life. There are people in my life that I love and I feel that I have a responsibility to them. We all have a responsibility towards those we care for, not just ourselves.
I hope you feel better soon. You're not alone in feeling the way you do. Plus, you're young and have your whole life to look forward to.
TC
'Try and think back to a time when it wasnt like this' is such good advice and something we should all remember.
You will have better times. Everyone on the forum has had awful times and like yourself I used to think of ways to end it but I am so glad I didn't as things are so much better now.
You will get better also.
Please keep let us know how things go with you doctor tomorrow.
Anxious_gal
12-11-09, 23:09
see your doctor as it could really be the med's that make you feel so bad!!!!
I was asking for opinions on how anyone else persuaded themselves to live.
You asked an important question so I'll tell you what happened to me and what persuaded me to not give up.
To cut a long story short, I reached a point where I saw no hope. I felt Totally alone with no one to turn to. I started self harming because I had to relieve my pain. Making it physical seemed to make it bearable so I tried small cuts on my wrists until I realised people would see them so I moved up my arms to keep them hidden. I still have the scars. When the knives were hidden, in secret I also tried a hammer and would hit my hand with it until it was black and blue because I hated me so much.
When even this failed to help, I turned to my meds and added painkillers with alcohol to try and make a good job of it but still it wasn't enough. A doctor then told me "One more and I might not be here" but it was no comfort as I just couldn't care less what happened.
Each time I'd be back at the doctors who would increase or change my meds but they never tried to tackle the causes to my pain. In the end they gave me ECT once but once was enough! Barbaric!
So what persuaded me to stop? For me it was suddenly realising I wasn't actually alone and that others were suffering a smiliar fate who also felt very alone with no hope. I felt if I gave up on my life, they would only give up on theirs too because I wouldn't then be around to "try" and show they weren't alone. I decided to try and reach out to them which is one reason I came here to Show that I know how they feel and live Can be worth living because they are Not alone. That Alot of people Genuinely Care about them and in secret cry when they can't save them.
Your doctor is right - your life IS important but what she didn't say that is Most Important is that YOU are Important because there are SO many people here who Genuinely Care about YOU because they understand YOU and what you're going through.
In my view, we are all in this together so we need to be around for each other by doing Whatever it takes to keep one of us Safe because there is Always Hope. Hope never gives up on us until we give up on it!
I haven't attempted any of those things I mentioned at the beginning for a long time and although I admit I'm not happy, I do find enjoyment somewhere each day that makes life worth living. When you are older you will look back at these bad days and realise there is much more to life than what you can see at present.
I for one want you to have a Long Happy life because that's what you Really deserve!:bighug1:
munkeyinblack
13-11-09, 14:01
I dont know whether i should be replying having been reffered to as munkey "person" but i want to help you :)
If you dont have someone near you who understands pm one of us im usually around somewhere and have all the time in the world for you
Theres alot of forums on here with the advice you said you were looking for. One that i found really helpful was keeping a journal and writing all the good things that happened that day. something as simple as it didnt rain when i went for the bus to random person smiled at me really helped me see that its the little things that matter.
Maybe trying to focus on taking baby steps rather than looking for a solid answer to make it all go away would help you more ? It also brings a sense of acheivement and self worth... something everyone on here sees in you !
let me know how your getting on
munkey x
Hi
Firstly I'm sorry that you are feeling so low, I want you to know it is the medication and not to contemplate suicide, I know this as now been on meds citalopram for 6 weeks increased to 40mg after 13 days.
It does increase all the anxieties, vivid dreams and depression but honestly stick with it... it is less than 2 months ago that when I started on Citalopram that I too wanted to end it all. Like you I planned this calmly and thought it was the best thing. The fact that you are reaching out tells me that the real you doesn't want it really so act on that.
I was only stopped by the police attending my property, now I'm further down the line and whilst I do still have really down moments, I have times where I laugh, enjoy and want the real me so badly that I will work hard to get her.
Please don't do anything rash I promise you that the feelings will subside and with determination you WILL beat this!!!! I'm back to work, still feel heavy from the meds and still have vivid dreams, still tremble but all getting better and some mornings I wake and don't have that anxious feeling let the meds kick in can take up to 2 months, and remember that changing meds will mean going through it all again so please find the strength to stay in there and we can talk again when you realise that they are working and you will shock yourself by reading your old posts, just what anxiety depression can do to us, IT isn't YOU its an ILLNESS and YOU WILL BEAT IT.
Huge hug sent and try to find something to smile about each and every day. Change your routine so your mind has something else to focus on in the mornings when you wake to that feeling and talk the ears off of us here lean on the site as much as you need... Good luck and be strong, YOU WILL BEAT THIS x
Suicide it a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem... I too keep a journal the less I use it the more I know I'm moving forwards ....
Keep smiling as Munkey says find things that are positive, it would be that someone smiled etc and don't try to run before you can walk, think we all tried that... but as you mend you will see, also I find that the gym gives me a real lift speak to your doctor about a referral it is available on the NHS so take it.... again big hug x
One time when I felt that way really strong, I could not call my family, but I pictured how if I could they would hug me & hold me & tell me everything is OK. I pictured them all giving me love that in real life they don't know how to show & I knew I could never hurt these people who love me by hurting myself.
I used to slap myself on the face whenever I thought such things. Then after a while I worked out it's better to be more gentle on myself.
I say out loud the loving supportive things I have been lacking from my family. Things like "It's OK sweetie, it will all be OK. You are fine. I love you lots. It passed last time, the time before that & every single other time, so you know it will pass this time. You don't have to fight yourself, just be patient and you know it will pass".
Sometimes I put my hand over my heart & try to feel the love of the universe & allow the hurt to flow through me as well in a meditative state.
Thats' about all the tricks I came up with to try & help with suicidal thoughts. Thankfully I don't really get those much anymore, maybe once in a blue moon, but I know in my heart I don't mean it & I try to find some other way to allow myself to vent about my sadness.
Hi there,
I know it's so hard when you feel this low but have you tried visualisation? Like someone said, try and remember a time when you felt really good and were happy and imagine it. Focus on the feelings it gives you. It might give you at least a temporary relief. Try anything that will distract you from the anxiety and depression.
I'd also say to go back to your dr. I tried citalopram and it made me suicidal.
I hope you feel better soon :hugs:
Wow everyone, I'm so impressed how helpful you all are. I'm so glad I joined this website. It's such different support from everywhere else - people empathize rather than sympathize on here.
I went to the doctor and he gave me tranquilizers (not enough to kill myself, he made sure). I'm not sure how much they're helping, but they do make me feel a bit more sleepy, which is a good thing when I'm so full of nervous energy that I'm trying not to use against myself.
If I could concentrate for that long I would reply to everyone that has written something here, but I'm afraid I can't just yet. I was very moved by some of the responses, and they've really helped. I even cried once or twice I was so moved. It's really made me think. Thank you, so much, everyone that has tried to help. I really appreciate it. Hope you're all doing well :) xx
Hi, have you only started feeling suicidal since starting medication? SSRIs can, in rare cases, cause or worsen suicidal thoughts. It is the most dangerous side effect (and thankfully one of the most rare) of any medication.
It sounds like the medication is trying to work, but the alterations to your brain chemistry could be causing suicidal thoughts and behaviour.
However - a much more positive interpretation is that the medication IS starting to work, and the reason that you feel suicidal is that you have started to recover and you are now starting to think ahead to your future -- and because you are going through such a harrowing experience, you believe your future will be as bleak as things have been for you in the past.
This is something I go through nearly every day mate, even though I am recovering. I still look ahead and think "Oh Christ, more boredom, more anxiety."
The fact is that good things DO happen. Just because our experiences may colour our view of the world, it doesn't mean that the world is an evil or negative place, or that our lives our worthless.
Our lives are worth exactly the same as anyone else's. Your life CAN be free of pain. It won't happen overnight, and you probably realise this. Suicide can sometimes seem to be the answer because it provides a way out and it guarantees that the problems do not come back.
However - what happens if they unveil some new medication 2 years from now that reverses or completely cures the effects of depression? It is going to happen one day.
Or what happens if events in your life start coming good, and your citalopram starts to suppress your depressive feelings? This can take weeks or months and you may not even be on the right dose -- it's too soon to say yet.
Suicidal feelings are something that I wish there was an immediate cure for, but as with everything in life, the answers have to be found by you and hard work may be involved; we were not created to have an easy life, otherwise we would have easy lives!
I hope you find the reasons you're looking for and you begin to move forward with your recovery. You've already started by asking for help. Those are not the actions of a person who is doomed, they are the acts of a person who will make it one day, a person who will recover.
Hi lior i have them feeling every day and i have for a very long time iam still here alive and fighting.you should try to give your self something to aim for something that YOU want to do not something that needs to be done,you need to put YOU first.Try and think of something ou want to do it may sound silly but even making an app to go to the hairdresser or you nails done put the money to oneside and save it and look forward to going and having time just for you. When that day comes pick something else just for you it dont matter what it is or how far ahead it is its for YOU and you dont want to let anything or anyone stop you. Iam not saying them feeling will go away but youwill have something to think about other than what you are thinking about now. Its worth a try ...
I'm on citalopram. It's been four weeks and it hasn't affected me (apart from the sleepiness and bad dreams and increased anxiety). Today I feel suicidal. For a couple of hours I was planning how to die (need to go and buy rope from the shop, who to write notes to, all those practicalities). I locked myself in a toilet cubicle and cried on and off all that time.
I'm a bit calmer now but now I'm considering poison. I don't see the point in carrying on with the fight. I fight for everything against myself. I even fight to enjoy myself. The doctor said to me 'your life is important'. It reminded me of those automatic on-hold messages where they say 'your call is important to us, please hold the line'. The doctor has no idea who I am. If I stay alive, I'll need more medication, so it's profitable for her. That's my importance to her.
I'm serious, I want to die. I wish I could persuade myself to want to live.
Don't you believe in euthanasia? If someone is in so much pain that life is just terrible, they deserve to die if they want to. I deserve it too. Too much pain. I can't cope.
How do you persuade yourself that your life is worth living?
hi my name is pixy im sorry to hear of your distress i feel the same way as you and im also on the same tablets as you only have been on them for a few days so no affect at the minute i also believe in euthanasia as i have been liveing in this hell for four years now depression is slowley killing me if i were a dog they would put me to sleep i only want peace and it seems to be the hardest thing to find i hope you can meet other people who feel the same as you and they can help i only have been on this site for 1day so i dont know a lot about it so good luck and stay safe
Hello Pixy, I really hope the tabs help, if not go back and get others. There is no excuse in this day and age to feel that you can't get help and it's up to your doctor to find something that does help you.
Myra:hugs:
Pixy, it's ok. I think the pills are just beginning to work, and it's almost six weeks into the course now. My advice is don't drink alcohol!! I think that's why it took so long to start working for me. I'm masochistic and I knew it would do me damage to drink and take the pills, I just wasn't sure how. Other people had bad hangovers from it. I felt a bit sick but I didn't get hangovers - I thought I was fine - then one day I overdid it and got really drunk. I cried in front of everyone, I was sick, I was telling people the horrible things I wanted to do to myself. Since then I've only drunk a tiny bit of Amaretto as an evening treat but it made me cough. The pills have started working because I stopped drinking completely. Today has been my best day for a few months, because I actually want to be alive today. Can you believe it?! Me! Wanting to be alive! Haha!
I still believe in euthanasia, but I think if there's a chance that you can get better and achieve something in your life, even if it's a small chance, it's worth being alive to see what you can do. You might make other people happy. You might contribute to this world somehow using the things that you can do. Everyone can do something - even the most stupid person on this world has useful skills - you just have to find the right thing to do for you. You might have children that you raise to have a happier life than you. You might be such a great parent that your child becomes the scientist that finds the cure for cancer or become the best Prime Minister ever. Who knows? You won't know unless you survive.
Life is a game. I often want to quit. But at the next turn, there could be so much fun that I would have missed out on.
When I feel like I'm not good at anything, I do something I like doing. At my lowest points, I sleep, because I enjoy it. Then I find that I am simply brilliant at sleeping. Such a wonderful life skill! I'm so good at sleeping! It helps to think like that :)
Welcome to No More Panic!
Lior :hugs:
I am so happy to read this post and see how much better you're feeling. I'm so happy for you :yahoo::D
Thanks also for the inspirational post. It would really help me to think like that sometimes.
I hope you continue to feel so well :hugs:
Hi Lior
Life is a game. ( I often want to quit.) But at the next turn, there could be so much fun that I would have missed out on.
Good philosophy. I'm now 60 and if I had quit at your age I would have missed so much.
You have a long time ahead of you and the good times will come. Time is on
your side. :yesyes:
Hi Lior
Life is a game. ( I often want to quit.) But at the next turn, there could be so much fun that I would have missed out on.
Good philosophy. I'm now 60 and if I had quit at your age I would have missed so much.
You have a long time ahead of you and the good times will come. Time is on
your side. :yesyes:
Sometimes I believe in that. But at the bad times, that belief evaporates and I can't hold onto it - I argue against it. Time is not on my side, time makes you old, in time I will have had more bad experiences too, even if I have good ones. In time people will see me as an adult and it will be less acceptable for me to be like this. Suicide is for students. If I'm going to do it, I ought to do it pretty soon.
I'm not going to kill myself today. A councellor once asked me if I was going to kill myself tomorrow, and I had one day left to live, what would I do? I told him it wasn't like that, when you feel this bad you don't care about trying to have a good time, you just want to end it. But now, I think I'd have all the good times that are bad for you. If you're not going to live you don't have to face the consequences. I'd say goodbye to everyone, then behave terribly for a day - drugs and sex and exotic alcohol and cigarettes and I'd spend all my money on anything I like. I care too much about consequences to do that any other time.
Except I do. I believe that I will kill myself eventually. If not directly, then I'm asking for it indirectly. I smoke occasionally and I have asthma. I drink when I'm on citalopram. It makes me suicidal. It represses the effects of the drug. I like drinking and I don't care about dying. Drinking is my masochistic way of having fun. I walk home alone at 3am in a skirt and heels. So far I've never been mugged, raped or murdered while walking home alone. I can't think of anyone more deserving of it than me.
And all this came along because I drank a moderate amount last night - perhaps 3 or 4 units, which doesn't count as binge drinking. Alcohol makes me want to die. I want to get drunk but I can't, because I feel a bit ill and like dying first, because of citalopram.
I have no plans for my day except for going out this evening with my friends. It will involve dressing up, making conversation, and ALCOHOL. I hope I drink enough to die.
God that sounds awful, sorry if that offends anyone. There is a part of me that doesn't believe in all of that but unfortunately most of me feels like that. I don't know what anyone can say to stop me feeling like that - I guess it was just a vent, not a cry for help or anything. Sorry...
munkeyinblack
28-11-09, 16:20
I don't think anyone can say anything to help you. Its a struggle many of us face every second of every day but unfortunatly i find this type of thing incredibly hard to understand.
In february one of my friends threw himself off a bridge- a 60ft drop onto rocks and into a river- he was killed outright. The depression was blamed.
What i dont understand was the fact he did it in front of his parents. His mum and dad who gave birth to him and did everything they could for him had to watch him die.
I cant imagine doing that to someone. OK so you die what about everyone your leaving behind ? the friends your going out with? the family? the people on here who support you and look out for you? what about them?
Everyone always says o life would be so much better if i wasnt here. yeah for you maybe but how selfish is that ? Its not an end its an escape that scars those left behind forever.
Sorry if anyone thinks this is harsh and im really not trying to be mean. I know how it feels to want to die but i would never put anyone through that. Yes we all have depression and anxiety and our lives arent as great as they could be. But everyone of us on here can find love and support from somewhere, even if it is just on here.Some people have far worse problems and dont have that support.
Sorry again if i offended anyone, it was just a viewpoint and not intended to cause hurt or distress
Munkey x
I don't think anyone can say anything to help you. Its a struggle many of us face every second of every day but unfortunatly i find this type of thing incredibly hard to understand.
In february one of my friends threw himself off a bridge- a 60ft drop onto rocks and into a river- he was killed outright. The depression was blamed.
What i dont understand was the fact he did it in front of his parents. His mum and dad who gave birth to him and did everything they could for him had to watch him die.
I cant imagine doing that to someone. OK so you die what about everyone your leaving behind ? the friends your going out with? the family? the people on here who support you and look out for you? what about them?
Everyone always says o life would be so much better if i wasnt here. yeah for you maybe but how selfish is that ? Its not an end its an escape that scars those left behind forever.
Sorry if anyone thinks this is harsh and im really not trying to be mean. I know how it feels to want to die but i would never put anyone through that. Yes we all have depression and anxiety and our lives arent as great as they could be. But everyone of us on here can find love and support from somewhere, even if it is just on here.Some people have far worse problems and dont have that support.
Sorry again if i offended anyone, it was just a viewpoint and not intended to cause hurt or distress
Munkey x
I agree. It's a question of responsibility - not just to ourselves but to others that love and care for us. In this sense I think that a lot of suicides are the very essence of selfishness. Not caring for the consequences of your actions is the very essence of selfishness. I think this is why a lot of violent suicides are committed on impulse where there is no time for rational thought. I have been in the darkest of places in my life but the thought of putting others that love me through pain just because I was in pain was too much for me.
Anxiety and depression mimic each others symptoms but I believe there is a key difference between the two which I feel people often misunderstand.
When we suffer from anxiety, we live in fear. We feel pathetic and worthless. We sometimes reach a stage where we feel so depressed that life doesn't feel worth living because others around us would be better off without us. This though is what I call our "depressed state" caused by anxiety. It doesn't mean that someone won't commit suicide but I feel this is different from "clinical depression".
From what I understand, "clinical depression" occurs for "No" reason other than biological. Someone who suffers from this type of depression often won't have anxiety.
There are also other reasons I feel that can make someone feel life isn't worth living but they too won't suffer from anxiety.
Someone suffering from deep depression won't and can't think rationally, and often there is nothing that anyone can say to help them.
This also brings up another point....Meds.
Modern ad's were, I believe, originally brought in to treat clinical depression hence the title anti-depressants. However, when people go to the GP saying they feel really depressed, the GP has no way of knowing the causes behind it so even if it's a depressed state brought on by anxiety because of stress and fear, the GP feels they have to Try and offer immediate help so they'll offer ad's because mental conditions or illness take much longer to treat and so need a more specialist field.
Ad's work well for depression because they work on lifting the persons mood but if the low mood is caused by anxiety which in turn is being caused by events in a persons life, therapies will often be more effective.
With anxiety, I feel someone can often be helped through therapies, support, understanding, and comfort so they don't feel so alone and afraid. Clinical depression though will need ad's.
I honestly feel there is a big difference between clinical depression and anxiety but the symptoms can appear the same. I think also this is why even different types of anxiety sufferer and depression sufferers can't always understand each other because the causes and thinking processes can differ so much.
I just want to add this is just my personal view so I may not be correct as I've never actually studied psychology etc.:shrug:
Dear Bill,
I think you are 10000000000% spot on. The real trick is for the patient to be diagnosed properly and then treated accordingly. It takes a lot of communication skills and time and effort for this to happen.
A great reply,
best wishes to all,
Barry
You're all right. I didn't suffer from anxiety at all until I started on the meds. I'm depressed. My mood has been lifted slightly but I'm still down most of the time.
I've lived quite a selfless life actually, so I think it's quite unfair to call me selfish, albeit indirectly. I still haven't told my family about my depression because of what they're going through at the moment - it would be selfish to tell them. I don't kill myself because they would never get over it. If my family didn't exist it would be easy for me to just go.
But I don't live with my family, so it's easier for me to feel removed from them. I talk to my old friends about once a week, and my new friends are new, so my death would not leave as much of an impact on them. The world would get on without me fine. The people that would suffer are my close family. They are why I am still alive.
Being selfless in the past has not brought me happiness. In most of my relationships, I have taken a selfless attitude and through that actually repressed myself. Now, I am single, and I'm finding my own identity. I'm trying to enjoy my life and take as much pleasure out of the world as possible. In that I am being entirely selfish. But if I wasn't doing it, I'd just be unhappy all of the time.
So if being selfish occasionally after being selfless so much makes me happy, I think I'm right to do it.
I hope I've expressed that coherently - I understand that we come from different viewpoints. I'm clinically depressed and therefore irrational a lot of the time.
Hope everyone's having a nice Sunday :)
Lior
I don't think committing suicide is selfish! People who want to end it all are too ill to think rationally. These people are in agony and can see no way out. If someone was dying with cancer and in a great deal of pain because of this would we be right to call them selfish if they asked the doctors to hasten their death and thus put them out of their pain? No, we would think these people had been very brave, suffered enough and deserved peace.
Aren't people who have suffered from mental illness for years just as brave? Haven't these people also suffered horrendously and don't they also deserve peace?
I have been through agony with depression but I have never wanted to kill myself which makes realise just how much worse people who do commit suicide feel.
I would hate to ever be in a place so dark and horrible.
:hugs:
everglades
29-11-09, 15:28
Loir
i hope you are ok, i have suffered from depression for many years, and more recently anxiety, and personality disorder
it all sucks
all of it
take care
Maggie-may
29-11-09, 15:34
Hang in there, it will get a bit better, I know I have been diagnosed with severe Clinical depression and I have wanted on numerous occasions wanted to kill myself, however I was very lucky in that I had a brilliant doctor, but that was when I lived in Canada, now however I have a mediocre dr who sent me to see a shrink, who doesn't think that I have Bi-Polar disorder but didn't reallt tell me much, I have seen two different drs, and I don't go back to see him until January, I don't feel comfortable enough to actually 'open up' and talking to him about how I feel, making it difficult for me to deal with any issues I may have.
I did expect to actually see the dr on a regular basis to talk, but that doesn't appear to be the case, if you are able to talk to your dr about your feeling suicdal then you should do so, it will help.
if you really feel meds are not working [lease go back and spEAK TO YOUR DOCC.HE WONT KNOW HPW BAD YOU FEEL IF YOU dont tell him,life is a very presious thing please dont thrlow your away please pm me if you need to talk
You're all right. I didn't suffer from anxiety at all until I started on the meds. I'm depressed. My mood has been lifted slightly but I'm still down most of the time.
I've lived quite a selfless life actually, so I think it's quite unfair to call me selfish, albeit indirectly. I still haven't told my family about my depression because of what they're going through at the moment - it would be selfish to tell them. I don't kill myself because they would never get over it. If my family didn't exist it would be easy for me to just go.
But I don't live with my family, so it's easier for me to feel removed from them. I talk to my old friends about once a week, and my new friends are new, so my death would not leave as much of an impact on them. The world would get on without me fine. The people that would suffer are my close family. They are why I am still alive.
Being selfless in the past has not brought me happiness. In most of my relationships, I have taken a selfless attitude and through that actually repressed myself. Now, I am single, and I'm finding my own identity. I'm trying to enjoy my life and take as much pleasure out of the world as possible. In that I am being entirely selfish. But if I wasn't doing it, I'd just be unhappy all of the time.
So if being selfish occasionally after being selfless so much makes me happy, I think I'm right to do it.
I hope I've expressed that coherently - I understand that we come from different viewpoints. I'm clinically depressed and therefore irrational a lot of the time.
Hope everyone's having a nice Sunday :)
Lior
No, Lior, I wasn't directing it at you because I know nothing of your life, apart from what you've written here. I was responding to munkeyinblack and to your long previous post in which you talked graphically about suicide.
You say that you'd never end it because of the suffering you'd put your family through so you understand what I mean by our responsibility to those we love and I hope you embrace that thought when you feel very low and depressed. That is how I've dealt with these feelings. And to answer erin31, of course suicidal thoughts aren't rational but we go through phases of being rational and irrational - the ups and downs of depression. But we don't spend our entire time being irrational - if we did then we wouldn't last long at all. And comparing someone that is in terminal suffering/pain and won't get better is not the same as a young woman that has her whole life ahead of her.
When you say that being selfless hasn't brought you happiness there's an immediate contradiction there. Being selfless has nothing to do with personal happiness. But I'm not saying how you should or shouldn't be. We're all selfish in our own way for our survival and I'm not moralising. It's for you to decide how you conduct your life.
I hope you find comfort, Lior. It's true that I can never know what you've been through in your life, and I certainly don't want to judge you, but I do know one thing - and that is that you're not alone. :hugs:
I have reactive depression. That is, it stems from particular incidents that have happened to me. So it is related to my severe anxiety not to be in any situation that in any way resembles those incidents. Thus I have PTSD, agoraphobia, social anxiety and panic attacks.
I have intrusive suicidal thoughts. I can have a good day but suddenly my mind is filled with how much better for my family it would be if I were to just go. I repeatedly rework my will in my head. I try to go out and increase the activities I do, but this exhausts me. My memory is shot - I have lists for things I need to remember. My vocabulary had declined and I find this really frustrating. I cannot concentrate to read so I play word games for hours to try to keep my mind working.
I try to stay positive. This week has been a good week. What I find the most difficult to cope with is the depression that descends, often without warning, when I thought I was OK. I have dreadful black days when I can do nothing. I'm aware I'm depressed yet cannot lift it. For me, this is worse than trying to control anxiety and panic attacks. There don't seem to be any coping mechanisms to help overcome it.
Thanks for your posts everyone, it helps to know there are people out there who are listening.
...we don't spend our entire time being irrational - if we did then we wouldn't last long at all. And comparing someone that is in terminal suffering/pain and won't get better is not the same as a young woman that has her whole life ahead of her.
When you say that being selfless hasn't brought you happiness there's an immediate contradiction there. Being selfless has nothing to do with personal happiness. ...
But you see Melancholia, these silly contradictions of mine, these absolute beliefs, they're all irrational. I spend most of my time being irrational which is why it's surprising I've lasted this long. A part of me knows I'm irrational but it doesn't know how to fight it any more - but I think that I'm getting stronger - it's hard to tell. Most people with depression never fully recover - I hope that's not true but it's what I heard. So for all I know, I could have a long life of pain ahead of me. Because I want to die I have a lower life expectancy, and I may be literally closer to death than some cancer patients as a suicidal person. Mental illness is just as serious as physical illness.
Btw just because I'm debating what you say, doesn't mean there's any bad feeling against you... it helps me to feel a bit more rational if I argue!
Hope everyone's having a good Monday (for some reason I feel like Winnie the Pooh saying that).
Oh and I'm not sure if I should start a new thread for this, but does anyone think I should tell my parents? I've been depressed for about 4 or 5 years, suicidal for about a year, and on anti depressants for a couple of months. I think mum senses something's up but I just tell her I'm fine. She's had a shock recently in her own life so I'm not sure if I want to burden her with my problems. If you were a mother, would you want to know if your daughter was depressed, or is ignorance bliss? Thanks for your responses xx
[I][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][SIZE="3"]I can relate to the part about being selfless ,it didnt bring me happiness after a while .You need to think about yourself too and thats not selfish its human .Nothing is worse than being oppressed .I do think your medication probably needs adjusting ,if its lifted your depression slightly its a good sign its working .It can take quite a while to find the right dose and to stabilise on it .Increased anxiety is a side effect .As for telling your Mum ,i would say ,Tell her ! shes probably worrying about you anyway ,thats what Mums do .She will cope with it and you can support each other .My son was depressed when he was 17 ,he never told me .I found the tablets in his room and I felt shocked and hurt .He never told me for the same reasons you havnt told your Mum .I did suspect something was wrong ,and all sorts went through my mind .It was worse than not knowing .Once you know you deal with it ,and it makes you feel better that you can do all you can to help and support .Look after yourself ..Luv Sue xx
Hi Lior
You will get plenty of support here. :)
You said...
but I think that I'm getting stronger - it's hard to tell. Most people with depression never fully recover......
I like the positivity of the first part.
I think with time, and with help, recovery is possible.
A major depression can be a single event that affects a person once and never returns.
Keep well...
Steve
Knowing that you have these irrational thoughts proves that you have a rational side. Being able to coherently express how you feel here shows you have a rational side. I think that the conflict and battle between the rational and irrational - the contradictions, confusion - is the real problem for us. If we were always irrational would there be conflict at all? I really think it's the conflict between the two that creates the problem: what society says are the norms, this constant comparison between what we are and should be ... You know, all that pressure that's heaped on us by society.
I'm not diminishing the suffering we go through by being depressed but a mental condition can at least be changed for the better (I won't say "cured" here) but a serious physical condition like terminal cancer, at this present time, has no cure. We are much more in control of mental conditions, whether you or anyone else believes it or not. Would you choose one of these terminal diseases over mental illness? Perhaps you would but I wouldn't. Terminal disease means certain death - you have no control over it, but with mental illness you do have control: suicide is your choice. Even if our "rational" mind is in constant battle, it's still nevertheless there. Your understanding has proved that.
I'm not sure about telling your parents. My family has never really understood. But even if they don't understand they can still be supportive. I think that suffering in silence is hard, and the sense of isolation creates more issues. So, based on that, maybe you should speak to them. It could be the key to solving a lot of things for you.....
You're always welcome to PM me.
I told my mother. She realised something was up and kept phoning me until I told her. I wanted to tell her in person but she was too worried once she knew something was up. I didn't tell her I was suicidal or that I'm bi, but I told her about the medication. She seemed to take it quite well but she asked me to think about changing my uni course to something closer to home. I knew she'd say that, I was afraid of it. I don't want big changes.
I've cried so much today. The citalopram hasn't worked yet and it's been two months. I went to the doctor today in tears and he upped my dose to 40mg.
I have a presentation tomorrow that I haven't fully prepared for and I'm so sleepy. I took a tranquiliser pill as well as an extra 20mg after the doctor's appointment. I know I can't do as well as I could if I was healthy in my uni work.
I think I'll just go to bed and blag my way through tomorrow.
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