I have changed my life to avoid anxiety

[redballoons]

I went ato the doctors a year or two ago about my anxiety and other problems and found it very hard. I did want to talk about why I was anxious but just found that I couldnt and so ended up virtually arguing with the doctor and leaving (embarrassing).

Since then I have managed to live my life along with all the anxiety etc. I still have pretty much all the problems I had before but they have just become part of my life and so dont seem so unusual now.

When I go to the doctors they always ask how I am feeling and it always upsets me because I dont know how to reply, I always say I am fine but really deep down I know that I am only fine because I have got used to not having a life that is not as as full as I used to, I avoid going places I dont have to. I have never returned to work (which was a big thing) and even things like I tend to hide away in the bedroom everynight because being downstairs makes me very anxious. I have days where things completely overwhelm me and other days where I am not too bad.

The doctor asks things like " do I sleep more or less than normal" no I sleep fine "so I eat more or less than normal" no and do i feel suicidal or like harming myself which I would have to say no, on very bad days I have developed a habit of scratching at my arms when I am anxious but thats more subconcious rather than a real effort to hurt myself.

People always tell me how well I am doing and in a way they are right, one of my daughters friends mother is always going on about how I make clothes for my children and use cloth nappies etc and how she could never do this and its true things like that I find fine along with housework and cooking etc. But I think if she knew that I spend my evenings fighting back anxiety and flashbacks and some quite disturbing thoughts then she probably wouldnt think I was so great!

It always gets worse when I am pregnant and I am prepared for that but I just need to be able to tell the truth to the doctor when I go. With my last baby I kept having to be kept in because of high heartrate etc as I would have panic attacks of course after a while it would be normal.

I dont really know what the question is here I am just looking for some advice! does anyone else feel like they have had to change their whole life to cope with anxiety or depression? is it a bad thing or a good thing? owuld you keep saying you are fine even if you are not so sure?

[pb]

I have spent most of my life saying i am fine , when im not and usually feeling depressed and in despair.
Not really facing up to true feelings means they are masked but not addressed.
I have been in therapy for nearly three years trying to find a way out , a way to feel ok and have a future.
In my experience i would say that its better to admit how your really feeling.
Hope this helps .

[magnesium]

i say i am fine most days even though i am not. It takes alot of energy and im sure i am less convincing than i used to be. i suppose i lie because im afraid that if i tell the truth no one will want to know anyway. Other people have their own lives and if they realised how long i had been this way and nwithout moving on they probably would see me in a very different light and avoid me.

Someone in another forum advised against hiding these things (because if you do you are only doing so out of fear) and i think she is probably right but itll take a braver (or more desperate) version of me to act on her advise any time soon.

not v helpful i know, just my two pence