View Full Version : Tocophobia - fear of being pregnant!
Hi there,
I have been suffering lately with terrible panic attacks and anxiety over having children. I have been married for just over 2 years and we've been together for nearly 11 years. We moved in together and got married and I only had the slightest of nerves the night before my wedding, which everyone does but now it's come to having children, I am suffering crippling anxiety and feel I could even be sabotaging my marriage due to my fears. I sit and stare at my husband and freak out that my fears over having children might be because I don't really want to be with him but when I am rational, I know full well that's not the truth. I love him and could barely ask for him to be any better suited to me - except for him to be a millionaire! I then sit there and feel awful for thinking these things about it him, which he has no idea about obviously!
I turn the same worries over and over in my head - whether I'm up to the job, would it love me, would I love it, would I get post natal depression, would I regret it, will I spend the rest of my life in a panic because I’ve done the wrong thing and the list goes on.
The stupid thing is, I love kids, I adore all the children in my life and my husband and I always take our nieces and nephews on holidays with us and are constantly ‘borrowing’ children as we want to do all the family things, trips to the zoo, theme parks, camping etc so it seems ridiculous that I can't bring myself to have my own!
In my rational moments, I know I would be disappointed to never have children and experience being a parent but when the anxiety sets in I have actually been sick with fear about being pregnant. I also get panicky about going out sometimes and I hate that!
I did get pregnant last December but lost the baby very early on by miscarriage. When I saw the positive test I nearly fainted, even though we had been trying, I just hadn’t thought about how I’d react when it eventually happened! I could barely breathe, I started to sweat and I was sick. I spent the whole night waking up as my heart was almost beating out of my chest. I keep thinking that these feelings were for a reason and that it must be because I don’t actually want kids! When I think about being pregnant, all I can think of are these horrible feelings that I had when I saw the positive test result!
Looking back though, I was still pregnant for 4 more days and by the 3rd and 4th days, I was thinking of all the fun things I was going to get to do, like buying things for a nursery, choosing a name etc and when I saw Mary Poppins in London during this time, I was thinking of how my baby was listening to the show too.
I can’t seem to remember these moments when I’m struck by the panic, all I remember is the panic I felt and I am focussed on it and why I felt so terrible about being pregnant when I found out.
I need to get over this as I hate myself for being weak and stupid when so many millions of women have done this before me. It doesn’t seem to be something people talk much about, although I found a name for it 'Tocophobia - fear of being pregnant' but I worry I’m in a minority!
Hi Jasps
I was going to start a thread on exactly the same subject. I always thought I would have children but because of my anxiety and panic attacks have put it off.
Last May there was a real chance that I may have been pregnant and for the two weeks until my period arrived I was in a state of blind panic and anxiety, unable to sleep and just freaking out at the thought of being pregnant and having to carry a baby for nine months. I felt really trapped and out of control, to the extent that I even discussed abortion with my boyfriend if I had been pregnant, which freaked me out even more as I couldn't believe I was having thoughts like that. As it turned out I wasn't pregnant, but Im now left feeling depressed and sad at the thought of never having children.
I am 36 and time is running out for me.I just feel I will never feel strong enough emotionally to be pregnant. My boyfriends parents don't have any grandchildren so there is also a pressure, not from them, but I would love to give them a grandchild.
I love kids too and seem to be surrounded by pregnant women and small babies and get really annoyed with myself. If they can do it why cant I? People tell me I would feel differently if I became pregnant but What if I don't, its not something that you can change your mind about if you become pregnant. I think I will always regret not having children but cant see myself being strong enough to have one.
Are there any panic sufferers who have had children, and how did you cope with being pregnant? I just thought I would let you know that your not the only one Jasps, by the sounds of it I seem to have the same reactions as you.
Take care
Fraya
It does sound exactly the same and I know exactly what you mean about the blind panic. It is awful and tiring.
I am 28 and always thought I would have kids by the time I was 25. Our families are all waiting for us to have kids and my husband is ready and waiting so it's all down to me.
For a while I thought I just needed to relax and stop putting pressure on myself and I did feel better about it but now we are trying again I'm a wreck. I completely avoid my husband when I know my cycle is in the 'get pregnant' zone and when I've just finished a period, I'm back to my normal self.
I do think I have to focus on the fact that when I'm older and possibly childless, I will regret it so I am going to have to act now and just do it.
The fear is exactly that, of not being able to go back and change it and when I was pregnant. For the short time I was, I thought of abortion and was horrified with myself. I felt guilty and wrong for thinking these things and so upset at what people would think of me if they knew what I was thinking!
I try and think of it like this - Currently, I spend my days standing on a high mountain, with a sheer drop between me and a safe happy place on the other side of the mountain - the wind is constantly threatening to blow me over and send me hurling into the black hole and I'm barely hanging on, spending all my waking hours frightened of falling in and using every scrap of energy to stay calm - but if I could just be brave enough to jump across the gap, to the safe and calm place at the other side of the mountain, everything would be fine. Why is that jump so hard to do?
Once on the other side, I wouldn't have all the anxiety I have now, surely that has to be better! A baby has to be better than the way i spend my days now?
I know I would love a child of my own and my life would probably be a better person for it. I'd have more meaning to my days and I'd love all the adventures it would bring.
I do believe we bring these things upon ourselves and I have sopent too much time dwelling on the negatives and now my body is reacting to that. If I try and stay clam and focus more on the positives, surely i can start to turn my thinking around.
Do you have days where you are positive about it and feel okay about getting pregnant?
my name is Caral by the way! Hello!
hi, i have got 2 children, and when i first found out i was pregnant with them both i did get panicky, not because i doubted i would love them or even them love me, but because i thought to myself that once you are pregnant you HAVE to see it to the end, and therefore i had no control, it was left to nature to take its course. but once i actually got used to the idea of my being pregnant and used to the flutters of the baby, i started to get excited about meeting my new baby and wondering who the baby looks like and so on. basicly what im trying to say is that at first you will feel panicky but once you have got used to the idea(and you will honest) your maternal instinct kicks in and all you can think about and dream about is meeting your baby, and you are filled with such joy and excitment. i realy hope this helps you in some way.dont let panic allow you to miss out on the best expeirience a woman should have.
dmcgovern
Hi Caral
Yes I have days when I daydream about our own baby, and what they would look like etc. That is the "normal" part of me. I guess its what every other woman experiences, looking forward to babies.I have loved watching my nephew grow up. However I know my reaction would take the panic course, just like in most other situations. Rather than get excited about things ( we are looking to buy a house at the moment) My body is reacting with dread and panic and just a tiny bit of excitement, when it should be the other way around.
To be really honest, I don't know how I would feel with a person growing inside me, getting bigger and bigger, kicking away. That in itself freaks me out so how would I cope with 9 months! I wish I was one of those women who didn't know they were pregnant until they went into labour.
I also feel that a baby would take my focus away from me so it would help me not to be so negative. I know I am less anxious when I look after my nephew as I am not thinking about myself.
My boyfriend is happy either with or without a baby so no pressure there, I just feel the pressure on myself.
Denise, what you have written about maternal instinct etc is what everyone keeps telling me will happen, but Im just scared that with me it wont and I'll feel taken over by an "alien" rather than bonding with the baby. I just couldn't face an abortion if I could calm down. Its the one thing I envy in "normal" women, the ability to have children without all the angst. You do give me hope though Denise, if you managed to do it, I suppose it all depends on how bad your anxiety was at the time.
Hi Fraya,
It's so weird that everything you say is the same as I am. We too are looking for a house and we almost went for on a few months back and I started to panic, again with all sorts of questions running around in my head, would I regret it, what if I changed my mind and wanted my current house back?
This is why I know that deep down I do want children and I would be alright, as it's not just this one situation I react to, it's everything from going to the pun to moving house.
I feel the same about a baby growing in me, like it's an alien and shouldn't be there. People say you do feel some of this as you spend the first part of your life doing everything you can not to get pregnant and then you have to go back on that and change your thinking.
I see my friend breast feeding her baby and it seems so weird to me, she laughs at me but I feel like he’s leeching off her. It’s a horrible thought but it’s there with me. I do have another friend who has a 2 year old and she couldn’t breast feed him as she felt all creeped by it and she’s a great Mum. She said she had panics when she decided to get pregnant and she’d avoid her husband etc but she’s now trying for her 2nd one.
I also wish I could be one those people who don’t know they’re pregnant and then one day it just comes out. My Mum didn’t know she was pregnant for the first 5 months of her pregnancy with my older brother as she continued to have her periods and never grew big but I am pretty regular and don’t think that is going to happen to me.
Having the miscarriage is the worst thing that could have happened to someone like me (although it’s a terrible thing to happen to anyone but unfortunately all to common), although at the time I dealt with it I sit and think now how I would have a 2 month old baby and it would all be over and I wouldn’t have to now go through it all again but there’s nothing I can do to change it.
Every morning I wake up hoping things are going to be different and by some miracle I’ll be alright but then the dread creeps through me and I know I’ve go to cope with it for another day. Right now my chest is tight with tension and feels like I’ve got a cold coming but I know it’s all self induced and this make me angry with myself.
What star sign are you? I’m a Gemini and prone to this type of overthinking, I just wondered what you are?
Carla
Hi Carla
Yep we seem to think exactly the same, I could have written your post! Its a relief to know In not the only one who feels like this about being pregnant, on the other hand what on earth can we do about it?
Im a Virgo which means Im a worrier and a hypochondriac which isn't the best combination, and I over analyse everything
There must be other women on this forum who have gone through pregnancy with anxiety. How did you cope, or did everyone feel like Denise once you were pregnant, calm and maternal?
Are you actively trying for a baby at the moment Carla? If so no wonder you are feeling so panicky. Although I know the fear of something is always worse than the reality of it. Does your husband know that you fear being pregnant, maybe it would help to talk it through with him so he can be sympathetic.
Take care
fraya
Hi,
My husband is a Virgo and he doesn't worry about anything - he's the lucky one!
He does know I have these irrational fears, I've explained them to him, although not to the extent I could as I fear he'd think I was mad. I can't avoid discussing it with him as one minute I am fine and then a wave of anxiety hits me and I just want to be on my own to calm myself down and stop myself from being sick. I have to tell him I'm having a panic or he keeps asking what's wrong and makes it worse, poor bugger.
He tries to help and says if I don't want to do it I don't have to but then he also says I need to bite the bullet and do it and then I'll be okay.
I have decided it's time to get on with it or I know this will get worse and I'll never do it. I've lost out on jobs and nights out with friends as I've given in to my fears and I don't want to let them control me to the point where I give up the chance to have my own children.
Today I am having a good day and I've just spent all weekend with my 14 year old niece and 4 year old nephew and I know the happiness I could have.
We are trying to some extent, we have stopped using protection but I avoid my husband when I know I'm likely to get pregnant so that's not the best plan but I'm taking it one step at a time.
Positive thinking is the key I think and I need to keep telling myself the good stuff and stop dwelling on the possibles. I've ordered a CD by Paul McKenna which I've read is good for anxiety so I'm hoping it will help to
teach me how to stay calm.
It woud be good to hear from women who've been through this and come out the other side but it doesn't seem to be a much discussed topic.
Carla
Just to say I am on holiday till 22nd Nov now so please don't think I've disapeared if I don't reply straight away.
Hi,
Are any of you still there? Freya? I notice some of the posts have been deleted which is a shame.
Carla x
nomorepanic
16-01-06, 18:12
Jasps - there weren't deleted as such. We had to go back to 28th Nov so lost a lot.
Hope you are well?
Nicola
Hi,
I was going to write pretty much the same as Denise84. It is only natural to feel panicky, as having children do change a lot of things in your life and body. When you see the scan and feel it kicking though, you will find that your love for your baby will grow and a lot of your fears will go out of the window. When you see and hold the baby for the first time, you forget all about the panic and fear.
Bye the wayI have 5 of them and I still get broody [8D]
Feel free to PM me, if you want to talk.
Emma xx
Keep focused, keep positive.
Hi Carla
Yes Im still about. Hope the holiday went well.
We are house hunting at the moment, so I have enough stress and anxiety without adding babies to the mix. I'm just not thinking about them as I was getting myself worked up with my indecision.
Are you sort of still trying Carla and so you still feel as anxious as before about it all?
Thanks for replying EmmaJane, it does give me hope for the future when I read a reply like yours. I wish I wasn't such a wuss.
Take care
fraya
Hi everyone,
Glad your still out there. I have some news!! I left that message saying I was going on holiday and it turns out whilst we were away I fell pregnant! I am now 12 weeks!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!
I am due on 1st August 2006 and honestly, I cannot wait! I am really enjoying the start of my new adventure and the reactions of everyone around me have been brilliant so that really helps.
I wanted you to know that since I found out, I haven't had a single panic attack, it is unbelievable. I have had slight waves of worry but that happens to any pregnant woman so I’ve not let them bother me. These waves are so small and nothing compared to my panic before. They would wash over me from nowhere and practically take my feet from under me whereas now it's completely different, it's normal worry.
I kind of knew straight away and I know that sound mad but I did. When my period didn't start I started to hope it wouldn't and then 2 weeks later I plucked up the courage to do a test and asked my husband to read it. When he said it was positive I was absolutely fine if a little wobbly!
I have my first scan next week and I am so excited. I think that now I am pregnant, my phobia of being pregnant has obviously gone and I have nothing to fear now. I read each week what is happening to my baby inside me and it’s amazing, it also makes me feel more aware of what is happening inside of me and less like I have no control.
I really do feel so positive about all of this and of course relived that all my panicky thoughts and worries have not come true. The first few weeks were more worrying than they are now as you have to get used to the fact things are going to change but I took every step slowly and did things as and when I wanted to. My husband is also very understanding and supportive and you must remember that a strong support network of friends and family can work wonders.
Fraya, if I can do it, I’m sure you can too. If deep down when you ask yourself if having a baby is something you want to do in life, then take the plunge and I can guarantee that if you’re like me, the relief to be free of the fear is immense.
A final thing, my husband was told to come up with a girls name he liked as he could only think of a boys name and when he did – he said Fraya!
Carla and Flump!
good luck jasps
Feel free to PM me, if you want to talk.
Emma xx
Keep focused, keep positive.
First of all I'm so pleased that this topic has been started.
I sometimes worry that I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life as I'm single with no boyfriend.
Am scared that no man will even wanna go out with me, as I'm scared of being pregnant - I don't want to have any children.
I do love kids and enjoy having fun with my 2 year old Goddaughter.
I have a disability and was an early Period starter and they're some of the reasons why I don't want to be Pregnant which makes me think that if I ever did have a baby, there could be abnormalities for the baby.
Hope this post isn't too confusing as i've never been good at descibing stuff.
OMG Carla, what amazing news! Congratulations!
I am so glad that you are not feeling panicky now that you are pregnant, and all your fears have not materialised. You sound so positive and I couldn't be more happy for you.
It just goes to show that most anxiety is anticipatory, and when in the actual situation, there is no panic. This has been true of most situations in my life, its the fear of the fear. From what you have said that's your experience as well.
How amazing that your husband likes Fraya as a girls name, of all the names he could have chosen!
Im rushing off to work now but will PM you when I get five minutes if you don't mind.
Big virtual hug:)
fraya
Hi Rabbit,
Glad you found us. Have you spoken to anyone about whether your disability would affect your children? You may find there's nothing to worry about or that medicines and examinations are so far advanced these days that all sorts of things can be done to prevent you passing on certain genes to your children. Maybe having a talk with your doctor would help.
EmmaJane, my best friend tells me the same. She has two beautiful boys and although she’s always wanted kids and was very comfortable with the whole pregnancy thing, she too had moments of panic and worry; it’s only natural for anyone who knows there life is going to change so profoundly. It’s always nice to have it confirmed by more people though and you have 5! It can’t be that bad then!
Fraya, I hope it makes you feel more positive and maybe once you’ve chosen your new home and you’re all moved in and your anxieties about the move have disappeared, you can tell yourself again that the fear is anticipatory and once the leap has been taken, it all goes away.
It’s all about controlling your feelings, if you feel it starting; find a method to calm it down. If you’ve found previously that by diverting your attention with the TV, or by cooking or walking the dog or something works, then keep using that method. Tell yourself over and over that you do not want to be ruled by this forever. Imagine going through this every day for the rest of your life and it’s enough incentive to want to make it stop - I know that worked with me. I just thought, can I put up with this for the next 20 years and then the regret for the years after I can’t have children anymore, or do I just bite the bullet and do it? I know I’ll maybe ride a few ripples for a couple of years but then it’ll be gone. What’s a ripple compared to the storms that used to happen before!
I’m so amazed that I am having such long periods between worrying and that my worry’s now are of course what every pregnant woman experiences, that I can’t believe I allowed myself to feel so bad for so long. My baby is 6cm long at the moment and next week I get to see it and it’s great. It’s a new focus and a positive one.
Once the baby is born and a little older, we are going to move house and I know I can handle that now because having almost conquered my biggest fear, nothing else can be so bad.
I’ve just got to find someone to cover my maternity leave now!! Great!
Carla xxxx
feelah_the_tigress
22-01-06, 22:21
Hello people. Now i know whats wrong with me. It's strange though, i don't even want children. Never.... But this seems to be separate from my strange, almost visceral, fear of being pregnant.
It plagues me at odd times. It isn't a continual thing that is keeping me from living my life, but the occasional times are bad enough. especially since i know how irrational i am. Whenever i think about being pregnant it makes me sick. I just cant stand the idea of it, i think sometimes that i might claw out my own stomach if i was pregnant. Its like having an alien or intestinal parasite, it just freaks me out. I am on birth-control pills right now and take them faithfully so i know that my fears are irrational. But i always think, "what if by some strange impossible occurence, i was to get pregnant." I've talked to my boyfriend (whom I love most deeply) and he says that he personally does not like abortions but that he would support my decision either way... I know that i would not hesitate even for a second to have an abortion if needed, thats why i fear that someday it'll be illegal. I couldnt stand it, the though of being pregnant makes me feel powerless and subjugated almost, to the point that I think death would be preferable to carrying a child to term. If i had the money, i would have my tubes tied right now. I am only 18 and i know that doctors don't even like to give tubal ligations to people who are under 30 or childless, but if i had enough money i would bribe a doctor to do it.
These thoughts don't come to me all the time, usually only occasionally, sometimes a couple weeks before my period when i have those "what if my period doesnt come this time" panic attacks, which usually make me cry, not to mention my feelings of rage and "unfairness" which i cant explain. I suppose that thousands of years of female subjugation throughout history cant be helping my thinking. The mentality of "women only exist for childbearing and cleaning the house" outrages me, and this may account for my negative feelings towards pregnancy. I would feel trapped... I know i sound like a feminist, but its true. To some degree today, men still feel like women are inferior to them (thankfully my boyfriend is not among these) so these thoughts persist. People who oppose birth control and abortion want us to be subjugated. As for the chauvinist males out there, your time is coming.
whew, enough craziness for now...[}:)]
I suppose it doesnt matter that i have tocophobia since i don't want children, except i have the odd feeling that the fear would follow me even if i had my tubes tied, since it is an irrational fear. I know this isn't life-threatening, but i just want to know what you all think.
Hi Tigress,
You are entitled to feel how you want, whether that is wanting or children or not and we also all have our own opinions on abortion etc but each person has the basic human right to do what they feel is right.
Do you think you may ever change your mind about wanting children? How long have you known that you do not want to have them?
I have friends who have made that choice and that's what's right for them.
As for the fear, I know where you're coming from to some degree but deep down I always knew I wanted kids; I just wasn't brave enough to do it until now because of my fears. If you truly do not want children and you are careful with your contraception, you should be fine.
It would be very hard to find anyone to sterilize you at your age, one of my friends is 30 this year, has two kids and has repeatedly asked her doctor to sterilize her but they wont do it as she is too young.
I don’t think abortion will become illegal, you shouldn’t let that worry you on top of your other fears. In this country we have a certain freedom and are given certain choices as to how we wish to live our lives. There will always be people opposing abortion, we will never all agree on the same things, that’s what makes us a democratic society but to make it illegal, would be far too difficult to enforce.
Also, to think of how many men view women as baby making machines is extremely agitating and can make you angry but you need to remember you are not with one of those men. Unfortunately they do still exist but in my own life, I know they are few and far between and that is because I have made the choice to find good people to be around. I am sure you are the same and should ever come across one the ‘other’ types of men, you should just pity them and carry on. Don’t let them make you angry, that is what they want.
I hope you can work it out and not feel so worried by it all.
Carla x
feelah_the_tigress
24-01-06, 00:04
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
Do you think you may ever change your mind about wanting children? How long have you known that you do not want to have them?
Ummm, since i was five i think. I don't think i'll change my mind, i don't have the patience for children
It would be very hard to find anyone to sterilize you at your age, one of my friends is 30 this year, has two kids and has repeatedly asked her doctor to sterilize her but they wont do it as she is too young.
Hmm, that annoys me, a person should be intelligent enough to decide when they want to be sterilized. How is thirty too young? If they wait long enough, she'll be in menopause anyway... It just seems strange.
I don’t think abortion will become illegal, you shouldn’t let that worry you on top of your other fears. In this country we have a certain freedom and are given certain choices as to how we wish to live our lives. There will always be people opposing abortion, we will never all agree on the same things, that’s what makes us a democratic society but to make it illegal, would be far too difficult to enforce.
All it would take is the right people in office...
Of course, they weren't able to enforce Prohibition, either...
I've got a question, Can you get pregnant during your period (like near the end) if you're consistently taking birth control pills the 28 days before?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Jasps - 23 January 2006 : 10:04:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi, I'm new to this forum and I'm also scared of getting pregnant. I have a 5-1/2 year olf son, and I just sailed through his pregnancy. I just had this ideal of having a baby. Don't get me wrong, I fell in love with my son as soon as he was born, but after his birth, I quit my job and I didn't realize how demanding a baby is. The first month of his life, I would change his diaper 10 times a day and he had to be fed every 2 to 4 hours. I felt so isolated. Anyway, looking back I miss those times, it is hard work but he is the best thing I ever did in my life, the unconditional love, the bond is amazing.
I'm 38 now and I feel i'm running out of time to have another child. I do suffer from mild depression at times and anxiety attacks. I'm off medication now because I feel safer not taking meds while pregnant.
I also take sleep med (there non addictive) and I'm afraid of giving them up and I will never sleep.
There is a big part of me that wants another baby, my husband wants one, but another part of me asks, can i do this? am I to old, will i feel overwhelmed? I guess any lifechanging event impacts people differently, except with me I get paniced. I'm trying to develop natural ways of dealing with anxiety, like cleaning one room in the house, so I feel I accomplished something, or picking up the phone to talk out my feelings, or writing in a journal, and I keep telling myself this will pass.
I was just about ready to get pregnant a week ago, all I had to do was get rid of my sleep meds and then BAM i get bronchitis, and it usually lasts a few weeks.
I know I'm just babbling, but I'm so glad I found a forum like this because I feel so crazy, i see all the other mother at my son's school and walking around with 3 or 4 kids and I ask myself what's wrong with me.
I think I need to see a counselor to work on my issues because there's a lot more going on in my head i think than just the anxious baby issues.
Anyway, I'm glad Im head and just to get this off my chest is a tremendous relief.
anna
Hi Anna,
You have to look at the positives that you do have a son already and even though you found it hard it at the time, you still survived and came though. You also need to remember that the majority of first time Mums feel overwhelmed and you are not alone in your feelings. Even the most confident person can feel they aren't up to the job.
You say you felt isolated last time, did you have any friends around you who had children at the same time? If not, maybe this time you could join an aquanatal class or yoga for pregnant women and that way you would make new friends who are going through the same things as you at the same time.
I have friends with kids but nobody who is pregnant now like me. I am joining a class next week to try and meet some other women I can talk to about what I feel right now.
It's good to hear you are finding ways to distract yourself from your worries and to be feeling ready to try again, even if you may need to wait a while longer until you are sure, is a big step forward. I started to feel ready but still had moments of panic so I told myself it was okay to worry and I could give myself a another couple of months to get used to the idea and when we did start trying, even though I was still worrying, I knew once I fell pregnant, I would handle it and I am. Have more faith in yourself and look at the son you already have, he didn't become what he is without your input and you should relish that and be proud of it.
Carla x
Thanks for the reply Jasps and congratulations on the pregnancy. Hopefully I'll be pregnant soon, and I really feel I did a good job on raising my son, not a perfect job but a good job, he's a great kid. And I know when I get pregnant I will feel wonderful, confused, scared, fat etc.
You'll make a great mom and I'll keep reading and posting, it's so important to talk about this, fear drives my anxiety about panic, but just imagine if I could turn it around and replaced that fear with faith. I think the faith would work better for me.
Congratulations Jasp!!
lynne
Tigress,
I was so glad to read your post that it made me join the forum. I'm about your age and I feel just like you do. I have been scared of the idea of being pregnant since I started my period in 7th grade. It is totally irrational since I never even had a serious boyfriend until my junior year of high school. Yet every time my period was at all late I would panic. Its totally insane, since you can't be pregnant if you've never had sex, but I'd still panic. I still panic. My boyfriend and I are both saving sex for marraige and there is no way I could get pregnant, and yet whenever my period is late (I'm one of those people who has a perpetually irregular cycle) I start thinking crazy thoughts just like you described. I totally identify with your defensiveness towards people who view women as baby machines. Even when my best friends are joking about women being "baby makers" I get panicky and defensive, even while I'm realizing how irrational I'm being. Sometimes I feel like it would be better to just have my uterus taken out completely, so I can stop worrying and stop having crampy periods too. But, like you said, I don't know if that would solve anything since this fear is so completely unfounded.
What causes such crazy, irrational fears?
feelah_the_tigress
12-02-06, 05:39
Hey EC,
Glad i'm not completely alone. I don't really know what causes such thoughts as ours... But since im going into Psychology maybe someday i'll find out.... I'm not sure it's entirely a bad thing, it'll definately keep me from having kids.
I tell you, I'm annoyed at doctors cause they won't tie tubes until your old or don't have kids. Which defeats the point. I know they're reluctant because women change their minds later... and to them, I'd like to say, MAKE UP YOUR MINDS and quit ruining it for the rest of us.
I heard that their trying to pass a law in Alabama so that a pharmacist can deny anyone contraception if it violates their morals. All i've got to say is 1.) It worries me because i live here 2.) I worry about the utter stupidy of the people in this place. You understand why i rage about the powers beyond my control. I do believe i have a right to dominion over my own body, If nothing else.
Hi everyone,
It was interesting to read all these messages..... I thought I was the only one fearing the whole pregnancy thing ....
Tocophobia... now there's a term new to my vocabulary....
In your searches, has anyone found any interesting sites or books on the subject?
Hi Everyone
I am also glad that when I read your stories (Fraya,Jasps, etc.,) that I am not the only one in the world feeling these awful feelings.
In some ways I suppose I am lucky in that I have a 4 Year old child but in other ways the longing for a second child can be as hard.
I always had a fear of pregnancy but did not completely realise how bad this fear was until I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant with my first. As like some of you when I saw that positive test I completly panicked and could not see how I could get through the next 9 hours not to mind the next 9 months. I had terrible morning sickness for the first 6 months but I know looking back that my being in a complete panic did not help this.
When I was about 6 months pregnant I could see the end of the road and I did begin to enjoy the pregnancy but I must say that it was a hugh relief to have it all over. I had a baby girl and it was the fantastic experience of seeing her for the first time and I would not change things for the world.
I long for another baby if I only I could skip the 9 months that would be great. The thing I dread most is the fear at the beginning of the pregnancy and whether I could go through it again. I recently thought I was ready but when I did think I was pregnant I started to have awful panic attacks, loss of concentration and a sickly feeling in my stomach and it was not until my period arrived that these stopped. But like others someways I am saddened that I am finding it hard to deal with this fear. What I have started to do is to go to a counsellor which I am finding extremely helpful and he is teaching me ways of dealing with my panic so I can stop 'fearing the fear'.
I was deligted to hear Carla's news and the words 'leaving the fear behind' were inspirational and hopfully I can do this some day.
In the meantime, Fraya and Jasps hopefully you are still there and I would love to know how you are getting on??
Kielys,
Sorry it’s taken so long for me to reply to you, I forgot my password so haven’t been able to log on.
It sounds like your fear is the fear of going through the same panic you had the first time you were pregnant, rather than actually having another baby. I had a miscarriage in early 2005 but when I found out I was pregnant I went into shock and was sick and couldn’t sleep because my heart was beating through my chest. I spent the next 3 days in a part daze, really confused about how I felt. I then unfortunately lost the baby but I felt relief at the time that the horrible feelings had gone! Later I realised it had affected me more and that’s when the panic attacks started.
I knew I wanted children but every time I thought about being pregnant, I kept remembering how much panic I’d experienced the first time I’d seen that test result and didn’t think I could go through it again. It took me 8 months before I could pluck up the courage to try again and this time, when my period didn’t come, I held off from doing the test. I knew I was pregnant but I was scared stiff of seeing the little blue line. The more days went past with my friends thinking I was crazy for now finding out for sure, the better I felt. I was dealing with it without having to do a test, which was where my fear lay. The panic had started last time after I did a test so I did everything I could to avoid it.
To be honest, the first time, I didn’t see it coming so it was much more of a shock! This time I was more prepared and especially after losing the first baby, I had realised I did want kids I was just scared of the process. When I finally did the test I got my husband to check it and when he told me it was positive, I felt fine. I was really happy!
Basically, I am 6 months now and can feel all the movements and whereas once I thought they’d freak me out, I now love it. I can’t wait for it to wake up and let me know it’s okay every day etc and I just want to meet it now and find out if it’s a girl or boy.
It’s the best thing I have ever done and maybe I’ll change my mind when its screaming the house down but I’ve been panic free for months and never intend to let it get me again. It began to rule my life and when I look back I’m angry at myself for allowing it to happen.
I really hope you can work this out and I’m sure that now you are older ad wiser after your first baby, you can prepare yourself better and as the circumstances are different to when you were first pregnant, you’ll find the old fears aren’t there anymore, you’ve already done this once and came out the other side. Focus on the positive! You would probably get pregnant and suffer none of the fear you did the first time, it’s just taking that step and trusting yourself.
Carla x
(Jasps)
Just read this quote and thought it appropriate:
'As you continue pushing through fear and doing it anyway, you learn to trust your ability to handle whatever life may hand you' - Susan Jeffers'
How is everyone, any of you doing any better?
Freya, give me an update girl! How's your move?? I'm moving now too!!! Argh, nutter!
I just can't beleive that I have found this topic. Since joining the forum I have been desperately wanting to add a post about my fear of pregnancy but I thought you would all think I was a cruel freak! I am so terrified of being pregnant yet so desparate for another baby that I feel my life is on hold indefinately and just wasting away because it is all I think about. I have one son and when I was pregnant with him I cried solidly for the first 10 weeks. I never enjoyed the pregnancy but when he was born I fell head over heels in love with him. Since then we have tried a few times and each time I have thought that I was pregnant I really freaked out. I lost a baby 18 months ago and since that time I have gone steadily downhill with depression. I really paniced when I saw the two blue lines and immediately regreted my decision to get pregnant. Then earlier this year a combination of intense stress, worry from not feeling better following a gall bladder operation and my constant discussion with myself about when and if to have a baby caused me to have a nervous breakdown from which I am still recovering. Having had a breakdown and realising just how bad anxiety, panic and fear can be and what it can do to you I am now more terrified than ever to get pregnant. Time is running out for me as I am now 39 so it really is make your mind up time. I did see a psychatrist and midwife about me fears last year and they said it was a rare condition but they had seen it before. They asked exactly what my fear was about pregnancy. I think it is the fear of losing control and also about the possibility of dying from some preganacy related complication. I'm also scared about not being able to breath when the baby gets too big. It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place. I know the decision is down to me but it is probably the hardest decision that I will have to make. I keep thinking would I regret it in 10 years time if I didn't have another baby and the answer is yes, I would. Thanks to you all for what you have written about this topic, reding through the posts has really helped me and I don't feel like such a freak now.
Oh Pen, you are not a freak and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about things. Many women suffer from the same fear, it’s just not talked about very much.
You have already had one baby and no two pregnancies are the same. The risk of dying from something pregnancy related are so small it’s unreal, there are so many tests and checks nowadays it’s relatively easy to be pregnant. You have more chance of being killed just walking down the street!
What you should focus on is how much you loved your little boy when he was born and how it was all worth it. The same will happen with a second baby. You also already know of everything that’s coming your way with pregnancy so you are much better prepared.
I was like you when I saw the blue line with my first pregnancy, I threw up, nearly collapsed and wanted to be sick all the time through the stress of regretting it. I too lost my baby with that pregnancy but I feel it helped me prepare more for this baby. On one of my previous posts I explained that even though I knew I was pregnant this time, I couldn’t bring myself to do a test as that was where I freaked out the first time and I was scared of reliving the feelings. I eventually did one after about 2 weeks, much to my best friends dismay as she was desperate to know for sure and I asked my husband to check the reading. When he said ‘pregnant’ I honestly felt fine and I was happy and we had a big cuddle. The decision had been made and I could now sit back and stop worrying.
I am due in just over 3 weeks and after all the stress and upset I put myself through to get here, I am so proud of myself and it’s renewed my faith in my abilities as a human and as a woman.
I have done pre-natal yoga to help myself stay calm and it sends out really positive messages about pregnancy and labour and has taught me so much. You also get to meet other women and realise some of them are just as scared as you, we just don’t talk about it normally.
I really hope you can work it out, does your husband know how you feel?
Deep down you know you will regret not having any more children, which is proof that you do want to do this, you just have to believe in yourself and take the step to do it.
Carla xxx
Hi everyone
I'm so glad to have stumbled across this forum. When you have tocophobia you feel so alone and at times quite frankly nuts!!!!. I have stumbled for years with this irrational fear of pregnancy and childbirth. A few years ago there was nothing for sufferers online to air their views, and now I find this forum!!-great stuff!! finally other people who feel as I do!!!. Now wait for it, guess what my occupation is??? yep-I'm a midwife[Sigh...]!!!!. Now how many midwives have you heard of with these feelings of fear of pregnancy and childbirth!!!!. I spend my working life alleviating womens fears about pregnancy etc, and all of the time I'm terrifed myself. I suffer dreadfully at times with anxiety and irrational fears which seems to be a common factor with this condition.
The fear of not being in control seems to control my life, I feel that if I am in control of everything then I won't suffer panic attacks. But yet I yearn to be the same as everyone else and have children. Where I live most women my age (35) have kids and I stand out a mile. I see people looking at me and presuming that I CAN'T have kids which really winds me up.
Having a child growing inside of me which I cant control really freaks me out, and as my age is going against me it causes me great despair at times.
Anyway hope you are all well, and hope to hear from you soon..
best wishes
gracie
kay_cee_80
03-08-06, 13:15
Hello I'm a new user on this website and stumbled across this forum when searching for information on-line to see if anyone else suffered with the same fears as me.
I thought I might have been a one off really. A bit of a weirdo. I'm 26 and I've never really felt like I wanted children or that I would be able to cope with children. I'm petrified of being pregnant, and to that end started on the pill as soon as I started my first relationship. I didn't want to risk it. I don't know what I'd do if I found out I was pregnant. I would in such a state. I also fear going to the doctors and being examined and get really panicky about injections and surgery. So I'd be really worried about the pregnacy thing and all the tests and stuff that goes with it, but equally scared about having an abortion.
I guess I am a bit strange! I'm not sure if anyone else feels like this.
Half of my fear of pregnacy stems from all the tests, particularly smears and internals that I would not want to go to (an have never been to so far) and also not just the fear of natural child birth, but also being scared about if something went wrong and I needed a C-section.
I have no idea what to do about it really.
My long term partner really wants children, and my parents, his parents and almost everyone else seems to expect that I will have children and that it's something I'll grow out of. The fact is, I've always feared it, and I'm still not feeling any different.
I'm fed up of people expecting that everyone wants children. I feel so pressured. My parents have even said to me "what about when your older ... you'll be all on your own with no family of your own to look after you." I worry about that, but it's not enough to offset the fear of having children myself.
Hi Gracie
I was really surprised to read that you are a midwife and are scared of pregnancy, that scares me even more!! Are you afraid most as you say because of the lack of control on your body or because you have seen the potential health problems and this puts you off more. I would be interested to know.
Pen
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi Gracie
I was really surprised to read that you are a midwife and are scared of pregnancy, that scares me even more!! Are you afraid most as you say because of the lack of control on your body or because you have seen the potential health problems and this puts you off more. I would be interested to know.
Pen
<div align="right">Originally posted by Pen - 07 August 2006 : 23:14:44</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Hi Pen
Sorry I'm having a moment here trying to work out how to reply to posts!!!
Dont't be scared because I'm a midwife, I see some absolutely wonderful things. There is nothing quite like seeing a new life arriving into the world and I'm often in tears with happiness. My problem is the lack of control over your own body, of course the birth terrifies me but then most women are scared. Im generally anxious at times, however if you was to meet me you would never know as I hide it from everyone except my partner!!. I give you examples of the 'control thing'- Im scared of flying cos Im not driving and i feel im at someone elses mercy, and of course i cant get off if i feel panicky. A lot of times with anxiety I feel its the fear of what MAY happen and this is what freaks a lot of people out. Of course the pain of contractions worries me-again this goes back to the feeling of 'losing control'. However I see women coming back time after time with each child and keep saying to myself well if they can do it why the heck cant I??.
What I dont want is in fifty years time me sitting in some old folks home thinking on 'what could have been'...
Im just so glad to see folk on this forum feeling the same as me, makes me think well I'm not mad after all!!
Take care
Gracie
jasps, have you had your baby yet?
lynne
Hi, thanks for remembering and asking. Yes, Mason Stephen was born on 30th July at 16:16. Weight 7lb 4 and I can hand on heart say I love this little person SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much, even when he wees and pukes on me and I cannot believe I put myself through so much trauma to get here.
My labour was really quick and uneventful which I am thankful for. I only had gas and air and I came home the next day. Not what I had always envisioned – much much better!!!!
I even breastfed for the 1st week (I couldn’t do it any longer or I would have) which I always thought I’d never do and would hate but I loved the closeness of it.
It really is like Mason has always been a part of me and I’m so proud of myself for producing this beautiful little person.
I really believe that telling myself positive things and truly WANTING to get out of the bad head space I was in, helped me get where I am. I knew I didn’t want to suffer panic and anxiety attacks for the rest of my life and I just wanted to be happy and the only person who could change things was me.
I hope you are all okay.
Carla & Mason xxx:D
Hi Carla
Congratulations on your new arrival and well done!! And thanks for your earlier advice to me.
Take care
Pen
Hi folks
I am so glad that i have seen people in the same position as me. I thought i was just being neurotic! what hurts the most is that friends say it will be fine - but i know it won't had my first scan yesterday and felt violated. i am not sure what i can do. i don't think my midwife takes me seous and i am really making myself sick with worry!
How many weeks pregnant are you?
Were you trying for a baby?
yorkylover
26-10-06, 16:34
Hi Jasp,I have just come across your post and wanted to say congratulations on your little boy[Yeah!]:).I think you have done brilliantly coming as far as you have.I did a post the other day about how anxiety has stopped me getting pregnant,for a fear of not coping with the clinics,tests,child birth and looking after a baby.So many people gave me positive posts.Im 39 so time is running out,:(.you have really touched me today,as you have come so far,well done to you.You must be so proud.
Take care all my love[^]
Ellen XX
God, I so wish I found this chat area a few months ago. My husband and I had never planned on having children but over the past year or so I wanted to have a baby. I drove him nuts for about a year trying to get him to agree to having kids. I had vague fears of the physical aspects of pregnancy but I never really gave it much thought. Then, with our first unprotected try, I did get pregnant. Suddenly though the fear of being pregnant became huge and I panicked and became really depressed. I tried to be happy but actually ended up with awful morbid thought and spent hours a day crying. I ended up having an abortion as I could not get any help and I felt so full of doom and gloom that I was convinced I was going to die. My husband had mixed feeling about the abortion but thought it best for my own mental health. Now, I have all the guilt and remorse and depression from the abortion itself and my husband has left me because of what I did. He feels completely duped since I convinced him to go for it with me in terms of trying for a baby then I fell apart and could not go on. I absolutely do not blame him and I don't feel I can ever trust myself again. The wierd thing is, with days of the abortion, I really wanted to be pregnant again and it is all I think about. I do not know what happened exactly but all I remember is that the fear was huge. I feel humiliated and like a total wimp that I could not carry it through for the sake of the little life. I was not entirely pro-abortion and I cannot believe I could take that route. This fear has basically ruined my life and that man was the love of my life. I have been getting help but I still have not come to terms with why and how I could quit so soon on the baby (about 10 weeks). All I remember was that the feelings of fear and sadness were getting worse and I felt out of control. I shut myself off from friends and family and did not tell anyone I was pregnant except my husband. I try to convince myself that it was because I was depressed but if I am entirely honest with myself, I shut myself away because I knew I was going to have an abortion and I did not want to have to tell anyone. I am so ashamed. I mean, this is something I had wanted!! But to treat it as if it were a book I decided not to read, or a piece of returnable clothing!! I so wish my story had turned out like Jasps'. This would have been the happiest Christmas ever. No I am miserable, without a child and without my husband - completely alone and I still don't know what happened.
I should also say that I have since found out that there is help out there for women while pregnant and fearful and depressed. I was trying to work out a way to take charge and not let the same awful result happen again. In case I ever get pregnant again I am strongly considering taking medication and a lot of therapy or, since I live in the US, deliberately choosing a C-section in order to rule out certain fears to begin with. Since really looking at what happened to me and the fact that I ended up with an abortion, I have realised there were a lot of problems in our marriage and I'm not sure just how into the whole baby rearing my husband was. Peace of mind with the basic everyday things was very necessary so I could have tried harder to deal with the pregnancy. Ladies, your fears are very valid. Do not let anyone feel like you are less of a woman because of them. Those fears are a pure sign that you are thinking, feeling, conscietious people and it is women like you who should be bringing new life into this world. I found that a lot of my guilt was that I live in a first world country and I found myself wondering what a woman in my situation in a third world country wiould have done. She would have had to have gone through with it, wouldn't she? But then I realise that the support network for prenatal women in villages in the bush is probably more equipped to deal with the hormonal issues and negativity. Just because we live in countries with "excellent" medical care, when you think of it, it's all excellent in terms of the machinery we can be hooked up to but we are probably less in touch with the woman's mind. Anyway, I will continue to get through this and to analyse my situation because now that I know pregnancy really is a fear with me, instead of having a hysterectomy, I would really like to deal with the issues that caused my misery.
thanks for listening and I can only imagine what a pyriah you must think I am since I carried out the worst case scenario many of you feared. Maybe I can be a symbol to validate how farful we can be but to remember itr is all psychological - these fears do not have to take over. Surround yourselves with loving people who want you to succeed!!!
HI Beebers,
I’m so sorry that things didn’t work out as you had planned and that you still seem to be suffering. I really don’t know what advice I can give as I have never been in your situation but I can tell you that it is possible to get past your fears, if you truly want to.
I don’t know why your relationship with your husband didn’t survive what happened but maybe it leaves you free to find someone who does understand you and will be patient and help you deal with it.
You are right in what you say about women in lesser developed countries, they do have a better support network around them and they have seen many other women give birth and raise children so they do not fear it as much as we do. Gone are the days when women helped each other give birth at home and mothers and grandmothers were around almost constantly to help rear children and to help a new Mother feel safe and secure. That said, there is still help out there from midwives, health visitors and groups for pregnant women and new Mum’s where you discover there are an awful lot other women out there with similar fears and worries.
The problem is most women have never seen another woman give birth and all we have to go on is what we see on TV and in film, which is for the most part, greatly exaggerated. Until you go through it yourself, you don’t know half of the truths. I thought that your waters always broke first, as the first sign you were going into labour and then contractions started. Once pregnant and finding out what was going to happen, I found out they can break at any time, a week before the baby comes or they may have to be broken for you in the hospital, hours after contractions have started! Had I had first hand knowledge, like the women of yester year I would have known that and a whole heap of other stuff. So, without having all the info, we are left to draw our own conclusions, that childbirth is horrific and the worst pain in the world etc so no wonder more women are putting it off. I too thought all of these things, as I’m sure you gathered from my earlier posts but having now done it, I wish I’d known the truth earlier.
Everyone is different and staying calm really does help, it’s all over before you know it and once you’re looking at your beautiful baby, you’re already wondering when the next one will be!!! I was lucky with my labour and birth and I know some women do have a hard time but for most women, they have a good birth experience and nearly all go on to have more!
I really hope you can move on and find what it is you’re looking for.
Happy Christmas
Carla xxx
I feel so relieved to have found this site.
I have been married for three years and have been putting off pregnancy for the entire time. It's funny that before I was married I couldn't stop myself thinking of having a family but the moment we were married and it became a real possibility then I became terrified. The thing is I love children; I'm a teacher and think that I have the best job in the world and as for my nephew don't even get me started - I adore him!!
In the early days of marriage I managed to put it off having children by saying that our 1 bedroomed flat was too small but now we've bought a house and I have had to admit to my utter fear of preganncy, child birth and parent hood. What if I don't love it, or it won't respond to me? What if I can't nurture a child and give it the security it needs? And so the list goes on. I cried with relief when I read Jasps's first letter. The relief of knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this has lifted a heaviness from the pit of my stomach - even finding out that there is a real name for this fear has made me feel better. I cried again when I read about Jasps overcoming her fears and having a child because I feel there is some hope of overcoming the fears and living the dream I once had ... I just don't know where to start.
This morning my husband once again raised the topic of starting a family - he hasn't by any means pushed me but he does want to know if it's ever going to happen and I don't blame him - most of his friends have 2 if not 3 children and he feels the years slipping by. I watch him with children and he is so good with them and I feel terrible for being the reason we don't have them. When he asks me do we want children I say that I have a picture of us with children in my head some time in the future but I'm sacred of ... ( and the list starts) He gets frustrated that not once do I mention anything positive. Again I don't blame him. It upsets me that I can't think of anything positive too but it is so hard to explain the panic that I feel to someone who doesn't have a clue. Again, this morning, I eventually said that I would just brave it and go to the doctor to have my coil removed but the moment I said it I started hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably between each gasp. I know my husband feels that we should get on with it and so do my friends that I have talked to. Everyone says that it will all work out fine and that is such a wondererous thing blah, blah, blah but I only ever feel that they are not being entirely honest and that they are only saying the positive crap because they want another 'mummy play mate' them selves. What I want is some unbiased advice and reading everything here has helped in some way. What I would like to know is whether anyone has had any help - be it counselling, alternative therapy, anything that has helped in some way.
That point "some time in the future will never happen if I don't get over this - I now realise that the reality is what it stopping me. I feel desperate to make this year the one to conquer my fears and give my husband what he wants and to want it as much as he does. I want to be excited about starting a family not spend the rest of my life in fear.
Nix
PS: Happy New Year to you all
i am sooooo glad i found this post!!!!
i have read almost all of the above posts and finally feel, for the first time in my life, i can talk to ppl who KNOW what im going through....
my story read so much like many of you here....ive been married for 2 years and am 32 years old, my huband is an only child, and tho he says he doesnt mind either way wether we have kids, i just know he would love one, so would i for that matter, id make a good mum, i just know it..and want a kid of our own badly..prob is, i too have, as long as i remeber been terrified of not only pregnancy, but the birth....and i see all these woman around who seem so at ease with it all....my friends even made me cry last year when one said to the other in front of me to her daughter' she cant have kids'..she knew i could...
well, last year, i fell pregnant, first time ever(we wernt trying)....i was so shocked when i found out, i too fainted, and spent the first 8 weeks hysterical, not eating, not sleeping...wanting the baby, but freaking out about the tests, needles!!! and of course the birth..i decided a ceasarian was the only way for a panic person for me to cope...but it all became too much, and im so ashamed to admit....i aborted the baby...my life has been hell ever since....my anxiety came on, panic attacks, constant illness...i just cant let go what i did...god, i cant beleve im admitting this....i wish, wish so much that i was strong enough to go through with it...at the time, i couldnt find anyone to talk too....the doc was just horrible to me.....
i keep thinking of my baby, wishing i had him/her now, and praying for his/her forgiveness...ive never spoken of this except to my husband, who has been wonderful. i want to desperatly get over this and try for a baby in the next year or two...if i deserve another go....my mum and others have just told me so many horrer stories ove rthe years, im convinced ill die...my new doc is great, and said i can be put to sleep for the ceaser....at 32, how many other tests are there? i thought only a blood test...thats even hard for me...i got so much love to give..but i know im a big wimp and after what i did last year, i prob dont deserve a second chance.....i still cry so much now, and obsess every time i see a mum....i am so thankful that i can have children, i just wish i wasnt such an idiot...thankyou for listening, and please dont hate me for what i did...i already do...
Oh Peach - big bear hug. A sad story I have tears in my eyes.
No-one has the right to judge you as only you can have known what was going on in that moment of your life. People can not relate it to their own lives as it is such a personal thing.
You do have to let go somehow. I am not sure how but I think a therapist is a good place to start. You need to mourn and let go of your guilt.
You are not in that horrible place you were before so try not feel guilty about wanting another baby because it is your choice. And you have the support from the medical team to help you.
Ignore the horror stories the majority of pregnancies are great. There are lots of us who loved every moment .
And if you are having a planned Caes well that is brilliant cos' you get a date and go in and have the baby! And you'll get really good care at the hospital to rest and get better before allowed home.
thankyou so so much for your kindness and advice...im going to go talk to my new doctor about this more...
'god give me strength'
my husband also thinks i need to talk to a therapist or my doc about this so i can learn to move on....and know exactly what tests, and what will happen in the hospital, so there wont be any surprises...even tho my doc said a c section is a very common and easy procedure, i cant get it out of my head that its still considered 'major surgery'....doc said its nothing tho to go through...
thanks again, its wonderful to find this place...
Hello there, I would say that if anyone has ever had to have for any reason an abortion that is a MASSIVE emotional trauma that needs to be released. What's worse is that in a bid to help you to 'pull yourself' together people try to get you over it too quickly.
It's as if to them ' well, the baby wasn't born so it wasn't that bad ' RUBBISH! Death is death and the death of a baby, even an unborn one needs to be let go of carefully and fairly.
There are therapists that will enable this to happen. When the time is right for you then I would suggest that you consider this. Things like this have a way of permeating your waking hours and will nag away at you. Sorry if that's melodramatic but it's better to resolve in a way that's right for you your feelings sooner rather than later.
Also, perhaps your doctor hasn't mentioned something known as HYPEREMESIS. (google it for more info) This is something where, basically, the body of the pregnant woman 'fights' the whole process of carrying the baby. Not all doctors know about it and there are no drugs to help you since the last time that any drug company tried to develop a drug that was 'safe' for pregnant woman - it was thalodamide.
With hyperemesis pregnant woman can be sick 10-20 times PER DAY from conception up until caeasarian ( no energy for natural birth ). Sometimes they are admitted to hospital to be rehydrated or kept in for weeks if their Keytone (spelling?) level is out and in the worst cases, they too elect to abort the pregnancy.
<center>IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT - YOU WERE NOT THE ONLY ONE</center>
Read that last sentence again !!
If you are going to consider trying for another child again soon perhaps it would be wise to consider talking through your very natural and understandable feelings about what's happened.
Hope this helps
Regards
Brian
Hi Brian,
Are you sure there's no drugs for hyperemesis? I am emetophobic and so have looked into this in great detail! They don't like to prescribe anti-emetics on a routine basis but there are a few that are safe. My GP also told me that as an emetophobe I would be able to have a prescription, should I not cope with any morning sickness.
I have to say your description of pregnancy is terrifying, and the reason I have avoided starting a family. Surely all pregnancies are not like that?!
I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, and I can't think straight, and the quality of my work is suffering. I have a boyfriend so wonderful I probably don't even deserve his attention. We do have one daunting problem: He's tocophobic.
He has such an intense, irrational fear of impregnating a woman, that we cannot have even oral sex. We cannot have orgasms in the same room. I cannot even lay hands on his *****. We're so stressed out! He's worried because he knows that's not normal. He's worried because he's afraid he'll never have a family (or lose his virginity). I'm worried because I haven't had sex in ages and I really might implode! :D
I can't stop crying. It's having a weird effect on my own self-image, and I certainly don't know why his strange fears should have that effect on me. I have been crying for hours now, searching online to see if any other men have written anything about the subject, but the ones who have just seem to hate women, especially pregnant women, and children in general. I feel so alone, like he and I are on some terrible island. I hope you don't mind, but I thought maybe venting with you ladies might help.
Ladies (and gentlemen?) thank you so much for putting up with my poor spelling, and disjointed rambling. Can any of you recommend some reading material? I'm so desperate, I'd learn a new language if I had to! We are literate in English and Spanish.
I'll shut up now.
I try to think of fear as a crime against "God". That thinking helped me get past a nearly debilitating fear of heights.
I could and will write volumes on this as I have been in the situations you all describe and my heart goes out to you.
Before I begin, and to clear up a few things: I am familiar with both the US and the UK health care systems and differences between cultures. While I think that the issues specific to having panic disorder/anxiety are universal and overwhelming, I would like to say that women in the US who are in this position are far worse off than our sisters in the UK.
The ability to have an abortion is under constant attack. It is not unrealistic to think that the federal (national) court ruling keeping states (think counties in the UK) from banning abortions might be overturned given the current government in charge. If one lives in some states, including mine, the state government would immediately ban abortion. Women who wanted one would have to travel hundreds of miles to a state that did allow abortions -- not something any panic sufferer could do easily, just the travel bit.
Pharmacists can and are refusing to dispense the morning-after pill, which in most states requires a doctor's visit and a prescription to obtain; it is not sold over-the-counter. In some cases pharmacists are even refusing to dispense the birth control pill.
If a woman does go to a clinic to have an abortion, she may have to cross a line of demonstrators calling her a murderer. She will later have to look at bumper stickers and billboards telling her she is a murderer, and drive by churches with hundreds of tiny crosses in their gardens to represent aborted babies. I only wish I were making this up..... but it is the truth.
As to support whilst pregnant: midwives are very uncommon and we have no health visitors. Both pre- and post-natal care are very limited and there is not much in the way of any sort of emotional support. Unless you can find a midwife or other support person, a pregnancy is treated as if you had a disease lasting nine months and requiring a visit to the doctor every month, culminating in a hospital stay after which you are sent home and there are no health visitors of any kind. There are some really wonderful doctors out there who care about their patients, but their time is limited and so is the time of their staff.
I hope those of you in the UK can see part of the additional challenges that American women face in being pregnant and delivering their babies. It's no wonder we have one of the highest infant mortality rates in the developed world.
More later as to my own experiences as a panic disorder sufferer for whom pregnancy was horrendous.... but I made it through and now have two children. After all of that I now am forced to split custody with my ex-husband 50/50 (something also highly unlikely to happen in the UK but very common in the US if the father insists). Going through all of this has made me a stronger person but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I'm happy to have found this site, since everything I read/see everywhere else is about people just doing everything to have babies. I have one great one and a half year old, and for a while I was really excited to start trying for number two. But as soon as we even went to have uprotected s*x I started freaking out about labour again mostly, even though mine wasn't really that bad. I think it's the loss of control thing, like many other women have said. then I started freaking out about pregnancy, and 'losing' my body again (being tired all the time, getting huge, getting heart palpitations and a few other not so fun things that happened during my first pregnancy). I say to friends I want to have another kid, I just don't want the pregnancy and childbirth part. They just laugh it off and say, wasn't it worth it with your son? Of course it was, he's great.
BTW, I didn't have anxiety (as much) issues during my first, they have most accutely emergered since he was born. I also think I was just blissfully ignorant going into the first one - you see so many glowing pregnant ladies loving their pregnant selves, but it isn't always that fun for everyone. you never really know what you are going to get. come to think of it, I think I was also ignorant of the fact that I had anxiety problems, therefore I couldn't 'fear the fear' and just buried the mild pannics I would have and concentrated (as I think Jasps did) heavily on what stage the baby was as, how big was he/she, boy or girl, etc.
Sometimes I just wish there were a medication I could take to take it all away... then I remember I'm afraid of taking meds! :D
Anyway, congratulations to Jasps, for having a great baby and working through your fear - you are someone I think we (who want to have kids, and all the power to those who don't) can look up to.
Are there (still) any of those "had one kid and are afraid to have another" mom's out there?
HI
Just to let you know there are meds that are safe to take for sickness and nausea in pregnancy. My Doc gave me Stemetil. The active ingredient is prochlorperazine maleate. I would Google it if you are interested.
Take care - Liz xx
jojofletch
04-08-08, 13:11
Hi there,
I have been suffering lately with terrible panic attacks and anxiety over having children. I have been married for just over 2 years and we've been together for nearly 11 years. We moved in together and got married and I only had the slightest of nerves the night before my wedding, which everyone does but now it's come to having children, I am suffering crippling anxiety and feel I could even be sabotaging my marriage due to my fears. I sit and stare at my husband and freak out that my fears over having children might be because I don't really want to be with him but when I am rational, I know full well that's not the truth. I love him and could barely ask for him to be any better suited to me - except for him to be a millionaire! I then sit there and feel awful for thinking these things about it him, which he has no idea about obviously!
I turn the same worries over and over in my head - whether I'm up to the job, would it love me, would I love it, would I get post natal depression, would I regret it, will I spend the rest of my life in a panic because I’ve done the wrong thing and the list goes on.
The stupid thing is, I love kids, I adore all the children in my life and my husband and I always take our nieces and nephews on holidays with us and are constantly ‘borrowing’ children as we want to do all the family things, trips to the zoo, theme parks, camping etc so it seems ridiculous that I can't bring myself to have my own!
In my rational moments, I know I would be disappointed to never have children and experience being a parent but when the anxiety sets in I have actually been sick with fear about being pregnant. I also get panicky about going out sometimes and I hate that!
I did get pregnant last December but lost the baby very early on by miscarriage. When I saw the positive test I nearly fainted, even though we had been trying, I just hadn’t thought about how I’d react when it eventually happened! I could barely breathe, I started to sweat and I was sick. I spent the whole night waking up as my heart was almost beating out of my chest. I keep thinking that these feelings were for a reason and that it must be because I don’t actually want kids! When I think about being pregnant, all I can think of are these horrible feelings that I had when I saw the positive test result!
Looking back though, I was still pregnant for 4 more days and by the 3rd and 4th days, I was thinking of all the fun things I was going to get to do, like buying things for a nursery, choosing a name etc and when I saw Mary Poppins in London during this time, I was thinking of how my baby was listening to the show too.
I can’t seem to remember these moments when I’m struck by the panic, all I remember is the panic I felt and I am focussed on it and why I felt so terrible about being pregnant when I found out.
I need to get over this as I hate myself for being weak and stupid when so many millions of women have done this before me. It doesn’t seem to be something people talk much about, although I found a name for it 'Tocophobia - fear of being pregnant' but I worry I’m in a minority!
hi i'm so glad i have read this and found someone who is axactly the same as me,i hate myself for feeling this weak too.i fell pregnant 3 months ago but lost it 3 weeks ago and in some way it felt like e releif and i hate myself for feeling like that as i really do want a baby,but the anxiety it brings to me is awfull.i am really good with all the kids i know to and get lots of enjoyment out of them but why is the feeling of giving birth to one so scary.if i could get a c section for the birth i think this would make things better.how do you feel about this? and has this been offered to you?
milly jones
04-08-08, 13:32
i had a c section. there are drawbacks too hunny
ive never felt like ive had a baby. i had general anaethetic as it was an emergency.
also after a c section it takes lots longer to get ur body feeling normal again.
i had problems with pelvic ligaments cos the birth was not natural which caused lower back pain for several years.
it also means that u get pain for approx 6 months as stitches etc are healing. no lifting, hoovering etc. so it effects ur life for a while after.
if i had the choice i would have labour anyday.
i went thru till the last stages and then my baby was c section anyway to save our lives.
i had no options
just my opinion
milly xx
jojofletch
05-08-08, 09:27
hi jasps and frays,
reading your post is like listening to my own thoughts. i am petrified of mainly giving birth, the pain,tearing etc i am also freaked out by the thought of something growing inside me. i took the plunge to get pregnant back may after losing my mum,i think losing my mum made me realise how much i wanted to be a mum and wished i had given her grandchildren. i got pregnant really quickly and i was so scared that my thoughts made me have accute panick attacks and now i have lost the baby, and i feel its due to my fears and anxiety. i dont know what to do as i want a child so much but i know when i get pregnant my anxiety only gets worse. i also feel this is eventually going to ruin my relationship.i always think that its just me thats wierd aswell but this is a phobia and i feel there should be more help out there for people like us.i hope this fear doesn't leave you of myself childless forever it would be so sad. good luck i hope you can overcome it,i think i'll just try again even though the anxiety is excruciating,i also cant bear the thought of life with no kids x
For what it's worth, I have decided not to become a mother. I don't feel that it's right for me on any level, physically or psychologically. I have a fear of pregnancy and childbirth generally (all the sort of stuff that has already been described) and also have a fear of the responsibility. I also don't feel I could cope with the hormone disruption - I had that after my thyroid surgery and it triggered a whole year's worth of awful suffering. If I had had a baby to look after at the same time it would have ended up in care, simple as.
I think every woman thinks about motherhood... especially at the age I am now, 29. But in my case I feel very clear about the fact that it just isn't for me.
Obviously in my case things are made different by the fact that I don't have any strong maternal yearnings. Some people judge me for this, taking the view that a woman who doesn't long for a baby is 'unnatural', but I can't apologise for it, because it's just how I am. If, though, you do long for a baby of your own, then clearly it is worth doing everything you can to conquer your fears.
I was once briefly pregnant, I miscarried at six weeks and I hate to say it (and have felt very guilty about it since) but I did feel a great sense of relief.
I was sad too, but relief was the predominant emotion. I knew then that motherhood wasn't right for me.
Just to add, I do think that society undervalues childless people, especially childless women. Personally I think being a childless adult gives you a unique perspective on things. I find I get on very well with teenagers because I don't come at them from the 'parent' angle.
I now feel quite calm about moving into my thirties as a childless woman. There is some adjusting to be done, not least because the majority of women do have children, and motherhood is written into the life plan of most women. Not having children does to certain extent leave you with time to fill! But I feel fully peaceful with my decision now.
I don't want to upset anyone with this post, just wanted to share my feelings on this topic. xx
milly jones
05-08-08, 21:24
samira u are just as entitled to ur point of view as anyone else hunny
u havent upset anyone lovely
take care
mill xxx
Samira - I don't think every female does want to be a mother. I think it is pretty smart to realise what you want.
My god-mother never had children and she was a brilliant support to us rug-rats growing up in a way a parent could never be.
I think the problem is for females who want children and can't have them - it causes a huge emotional strain.
And then there are the females who have children and find out that they are not 'mother earth' and actually hate it. That has allsorts of issues down the line for the child and the mother.
It is not unnatural to not want to have children. People want different things and that has to be respected.
I thought I'd never want them. I got pregnant accidently and cried for a fortnight at the shock and worry of my lack of desire of a child. Thankfully when my boy was born a switch in my head was triggered off and I fell utterly in love with him as soon as I saw his mad mop of hair. 5 weeks to go before my 2nd child is due and I am wondering can I love this one cos' I love my little son sooooo very much.....
AmyAnxiety85
03-09-08, 23:02
Hi everyone,
I am glad to know I am not the only one who views pregnancy this way. It's actually tough for me to say the word pregnancy at all. Ever since I was nine years old, I have had this fear of ever being pregnant. I am now almost 23 years old and I still feel that way. It freaks me out to be honest. I want kids eventually (definitely NOT now though! Haha), but I am not so sure how they are going to come into my life...if only the "stork" was real!
I have told people about this fear for as long as I can remember and they all say I will change my mind later on, but (and I don't mean this as an insult to anyone who is pregnant or has had children already) I feel that I personally would feel ashamed and embarrassed to ever be pregnant. I don't look at other women and think that, if anything I admire the fact that they are willing to go through with it. I think it traces back to the fact that I am adopted and that my birthmother had to hide the fact that she was having me at all. That's my best guess.
I also have recurring dreams where I always find out that I am pregnant in the dream and the whole rest of the dream is me just trying to be okay with that, but I never seem to get to that point before I wake up.
I know I am young and I don't plan to get married let alone start a family for at least a few more years, but I can't help wondering if I will ever be okay with it. I have so much anxiety, not only about this, but about many other things as well. This phobia though stands out more than the others though.
I just don't know what to think. I don't want to lose someone I love because of this, because for some reason I can't go through with this. Maybe one day I can, but honestly there have been times I wished that I couldn't have children and that my ability to could go to someone who really wants it. I know that is extreme to say, but I just hate feeling like this.
If anyone has any advice for me besides "you will grow out of it" please feel free to reply. Thanks!
Amy :scared15:
I think it is very sad that everyone who has posted here believes that finding it impossible to be pregnant means that you have to remain childless. I have a terror of being pregnant, but still intend to be a mother by adopting children who are already here in the world and need to be loved.
My husband and I have started the adoption process and found that a lot of the other people adopting are doing so for similar reasons to us.
So remember you do have options.
milly jones
05-09-08, 12:15
i have a child, its not the carrying of the baby or bearing it thats the problem
its the fact that im scared of getting pregnant, and intimacy
praps the title isnt what ive a phobia of
AmyAnxiety85
08-09-08, 23:57
Hi ElenaD,
I'm adopted and it is a wonderful process, I read your post and I think it is great that you are pursuing that. I want to do that later on and hopefully get over my fear of having kids on my own because I do want them for sure one day, I'm just afraid of the whole 9-month process! Good luck with everything!
Amy
I almost had tears in my eyes when I found this forum. I didn't know there was anyone else out there that had been experiencing the same awful thoughts and irrational fears that I had. I always knew I was petrified of being pregnant I just didn't know how bad.
I had missed my period and about a week later I took a pregnancy test. The line was so faint I couldn't really tell. Well I have been on Lexapro for years for my anxiety so I foolishly cut my dose in half just in case I was pregnant (Don't know why I thought this would help). During this time between when I tested for pregnancy and had an appointment with the Dr. I thought the thought of being pregnant was kind of neat. It wasn't until I went to the Dr on a Friday and received a phone call that my test results were positive that it hit me that this was real. It was no longer just a possibility it was positive. I was mixed with excitement and shock since my husband and I weren't exactly planning just yet.
The nightmare began the following day. Starting midmorning I found myself breaking out crying and feeling that awful pang you get in your stomach when your nerves kick in. The crying started getting worse and more frequent and my stomach was a mess. On sunday it was more of this and it got worse. The pinnacle of this nightmare was when we were driving up to the store and I felt a wave of terror come over me and I remember feeling I just want this out of me as soon as possible I can't do this I want out of this. It was so surrel I just wanted to exit my body or wanted this out of my body. It was the worse feeling and thought in the world. I rember thinking for that moment oh GOD what is happening to me please make this go away. We went back home and I told my husband in tears I can't take this I need to go to the emergency room I can't get this under control and I feel like I am losing my mind. I was having a complete meltdown.
When I got to the hospital they noticed some bleeding. Dr. ran some tests and an ultrasound and told me I had or was miscarrying.
Once I knew there was no baby I asked to have them give me something to get my nerves under control. I went back on my normal dose of LExapro and then was given something stronger as well. It was a good 3-4 weeks before I started to slowly get back to normal.
It was a horrific experience for me and when things calmed down I got depressed because I now associated being pregnant with that horrific panic driven experience. I also was sad because I wondered if i caused the miscarriage by willing it so badly. I pleaded with God to make this go away so I could feel better and it happened.
Now I have the Dr.'s pressuring me to hurry up because I am 35 and time is running out. That only fuels the anxiety. i think I really need counseling. Will I ever be able to get through this?
Don't listen to the Drs telling you to hurry up because you are 35 that is a terrible reason to become a parent IMO. When you are ready (if you are ever ready) it will happen in your time. I can't believe they said that to you.
Be well,
Lila
Hi, Im new to the site. I have suffered anxiety and depression for a long time, however is under complete control with Zoloft. However, 5 years ago i found out i was pregnant and instantly suffered from the most extream panic attack ever. It lasted for a whole 2 weeks, along with severe morning sickness (actually 24 hour sickness) I could not go to work and was pacing up and down the garden and house for the whole 2 weeks with no sleep. I could not cope any longer and had it terminated. I really love children and want some of my own, I have now been given a short time to have children because of some complications with endometriosis. However, Im terrified of the panic and dont think i can go through with it.
:hugs: hi all, have had a similar experience myself this summer, and just wanted to say that it has given me comfort to know im not alone in feeling like this - i dont know what the answer is for anyone as each person is different, but i hope every single woman suffering from this on this forum can eventually find peace, i know how sad it is to feel this way, and sometimes there seems to be no answer to the way you feel, tc all emma xxxxxx:hugs:
Hi, I am interested to see all of these stories about fearing pregnancy. I myself am having issues with this right now and it seems like few people talk about it. You hear about fearing labor, but not pregnancy itself. My problem started because, having had a few extreme bouts of insomnia, I developed a kind of phobia of insomnia. The way I managed it was with occasional use of sleeping meds and a strong psychological reliance on them being available. When my husband and I first started talking about pregnancy, I was excited, but people were telling me how my sleeping medication would be off limits. On the very the first night that we started trying, I suffered an intense anxiety attack upon going to bed that turned into a long bout of severe anxiety, sleeplessness, and then depression. In order to get out of it, I started taking other medications that I had never needed before, thus making my situation even worse. In addition, after seeing how far my anxiety can go, I am now terrorized by the idea that it will happen again and regularly suffer more mild versions of it, i.e. several days of anxiety symptoms, feeling out of control and fearing insomnia, which of course I get once I begin worrying. Now I am worried that I will not be able to be responsible for another life in me and that I will spiral downward when I get pregnant. After reading now that extreme anxiety seems to cause miscarriage, I have even more to worry about!!! I hope I can do it because I do really want children.
I agree when you are ready it will happen.
What's the point in being pregnant if you aren't ready, it's better to be ready and able to enjoy it.:hugs: :hugs:
:) when i spoke to a gynaecologist after my surgical evacuation to remove a missed miscarriage in august last year, he didnt rule out that anxiety could have caused the miscarriage:ohmy: i was horrified as i had been extremely worked up over the conflict in my relationship when i found out i was pregnant (despite being pregnant our issues continued and we carried on arguing with me getting very very angry/frustrated and upset, not to mention being in turmoil as to whether i could sustain that pregnancy under those circumstances) - but i dont think it has been proven? and i never beleived that emotional turmoil alone could cause a miscarriage - i was always under the impression it was something to do with development of the embryo or a problem in the woman ie blood clotting problem or auto immune problems?
Hi
I asked the same questions ater a miscarriage three years ago and was told that anxiety cannot cause a miscarriage, it happens because something is wrong with the baby. Otherwise how would pregnancies survive when the mother has been raped, or the pregnancy was a mistake.
I know that people have said it will happen when it is ready and the time is right but in my experience that isn't the case. Tocophobia doesn't really work like that and however much you wait for that right moment, it just won't happen. Tocophobia is a phobia that renders the sufferer incapable of thinking positively about being pregnant. Unfortunately, it is very unlikely that you will just wake up one day and think ok I want to have a baby, and feel ok about it.
I am writing a tocophobia diary on here in the hope of helping other tocophobes. I am now 7 weeks pregnant and have gone through turmoil to get here. Month after month of worrying about whether I was pregnant or not, came after years of debating about whether or not to even try.
I can honestly say that once you are pregnant and you start living every day in sheer fear like I did, the fear starts to slowly lose it's power. Like a panic attack it wears it's self out and you start feeling less scared about being pregnant. I know it may seem easy for me to say but believe me it's not. I am clinging on my by finger nails....but it is getting better, and that spurs me on.
Please don't wait and hope for the right time as it will never come. Lots of women will tell you that who haven't got tocophobia. You just have to get pregnant and start living with the fear.....and it does get easier.
Yes, that's the philosophy I've taken. Various people have told me that perhaps giving myself some time would help, but I don't see why that would help. In fact I think it would only make it worse! I need it to be a reality and not a fearful thought. So I am staying off birth control and trying to survive in the meantime...
hi
i thought i was in the minority too! i've had this fear since i was a child and now 4 months pregnant and still in a blind panic!
not even my family know yet. of course my husband but he's always known my fears.
tocophobia is actually fear of giving birth! rather than just being pregnant. i even find it difficult to look at pregnant women. i have to keep my eyes at chest level up when i'm speaking with them.
tocophobia is the nearest description to fear of pregancy!
but if you say to a doctor your tocophobic he will only assume your fear of actuall giving birth and not actually being pregnant, so if you do get pregnant ensure you make it clear that its fear of also being pregnant (which there doesn't seem to be a word for).
i have just registered with this website, my user name is "snowie" so if you like to chat get in touch.
rgds
hi
do ignore them, i'm 44 and i am now 4 months pregnant and tocophobic it wasn't planned and we're not quite over the moon about it yet, although my husband is adjusting a bit better than me.. but he is fully awre of my fears and has been very supportive.
rgds
:D congratulations on your pregnancy - and although you arent over the moon and parenthood is without doubt the hardest job in the world - it will all be worth it eventually. for me it took nearly a decade and 2 miscarriages to be aware of what i have, having my daughter.
i also agree tha tlike any other phobia, youmake it go away or you become less fearful by facing it - not the other way around, all the best to everyone struggling with this horrible fear:hugs:
Stressed32
04-04-09, 15:54
I was nervous once about having kids...to thie point that the 1st time I found out I was pregnant, I cried and wished it away. Well, away it went and now I can't seem to get pregnant again. WHat I wouldn't give to be able to have a baby now....some things are out of out control I guess....just remember that this is what your body is made to do and it is something that you can never be ready for b/c you have never experienced it. It would be like trying to pack for a trip to Mars....what would I bring? Good luck and juSt a piece of advice: I would not wish infertility on my worse enemy, be careful what you wish for.
Hi i was reading your story and couldnt help but cry. Your the first person who i have ever heard of thinks like me. I recently had a miscarriage and wasnt really sure how to feel. I got out of the situation never wanted to be in, my husband was deverstated and a baby died. I was so confused. I only knew i was pregnant officailly for 4 days too. I ignored the missed period for a week hoping and praying i would come on. Checking and rechecking dates, finding new reasons not to do the test.
My probelm is all those negative feelings and worries as well as panicing about something growing inside me. I cry my self to sleep somethimes worrying. My husband must hate me, i cant bare to have his child. He really wanst one and just dont know what to do. What if i dont cope?
For what it's worth, I have decided not to become a mother. I don't feel that it's right for me on any level, physically or psychologically. I have a fear of pregnancy and childbirth generally (all the sort of stuff that has already been described) and also have a fear of the responsibility. I also don't feel I could cope with the hormone disruption - I had that after my thyroid surgery and it triggered a whole year's worth of awful suffering. If I had had a baby to look after at the same time it would have ended up in care, simple as.
I think every woman thinks about motherhood... especially at the age I am now, 29. But in my case I feel very clear about the fact that it just isn't for me.
Obviously in my case things are made different by the fact that I don't have any strong maternal yearnings. Some people judge me for this, taking the view that a woman who doesn't long for a baby is 'unnatural', but I can't apologise for it, because it's just how I am. If, though, you do long for a baby of your own, then clearly it is worth doing everything you can to conquer your fears.
I was once briefly pregnant, I miscarried at six weeks and I hate to say it (and have felt very guilty about it since) but I did feel a great sense of relief.
I was sad too, but relief was the predominant emotion. I knew then that motherhood wasn't right for me.
Just to add, I do think that society undervalues childless people, especially childless women. Personally I think being a childless adult gives you a unique perspective on things. I find I get on very well with teenagers because I don't come at them from the 'parent' angle.
I now feel quite calm about moving into my thirties as a childless woman. There is some adjusting to be done, not least because the majority of women do have children, and motherhood is written into the life plan of most women. Not having children does to certain extent leave you with time to fill! But I feel fully peaceful with my decision now.
I don't want to upset anyone with this post, just wanted to share my feelings on this topic. xx
I wish i had your strengh. I want my husband to read this and understand motherhood is not for everyone and i'm not the only person in the world who feels like this. Thanks
hi
i thought i was in the minority too! i've had this fear since i was a child and now 4 months pregnant and still in a blind panic!
not even my family know yet. of course my husband but he's always known my fears.
tocophobia is actually fear of giving birth! rather than just being pregnant. i even find it difficult to look at pregnant women. i have to keep my eyes at chest level up when i'm speaking with them.
tocophobia is the nearest description to fear of pregancy!
but if you say to a doctor your tocophobic he will only assume your fear of actuall giving birth and not actually being pregnant, so if you do get pregnant ensure you make it clear that its fear of also being pregnant (which there doesn't seem to be a word for).
i have just registered with this website, my user name is "snowie" so if you like to chat get in touch.
rgds
I have nightmares about pregnant women. How worrying it that. For years i have described babys as parasites and worried my self in to a right mess. Thanks for your understanding it really helped
:yahoo:
Hi Guys
My heart goes out to you all because I too have tocophobia. Yet I am now 18 weeks pregnant. I am managing to tolerate being pregnant although I am still terrified about the birth. I can safely say that once you are pregnant and you start to accept the idea it DOES get easier. Most days now I actually don't mind being pregnant and could almost say I am enjoying it. I honestly thought I would never think that.
I too wished away my first pregnancy and it did go at 12 weeks. I hated myself for wishing it away, but it didn't feel like a baby to me, it was an alien the had taken over my body. Something that was feeding off me and sucking all my life away.
Three years later I find myself pregnant again, and my reaction to the news was very much the same. My husband said he would leave me if I terminated and I threatened in rows to kill myself rather than have to live every day of the next nine months in fear. Because tocophobia is fear of labour AND the pregnancy as a whole, so people's well meaning advice about pain relief etc did nothing to calm me. It was my worst nightmare come true.
It all feels so awful now that I said all those things as I sit here typing this with my bulging stomach and fluttery feelings of baby's movement going on inside me. Please believe me when I say that pregnancy totally repulsed me, I have honestly been where you are. And things DO change.
The fear loses it power over time as you just get used to the idea of something growing inside you. You, well I, know that this event must come at the end and that I don't really know what will happen during the rest of the pregnancy, but I try to tell myself I only have this one life to live, and to grow old and have no kids is not something that appeals to me. It took me 18 months to fall pregnant this time, but I tried to tell myself that I wasn't going to let ME be the cause of me never having kids. If nature had other ideas, then I would somehow have to try to accept it. But I knew I would never forgive myself for knowingly preventing me or my hubby having a baby. So I had no choice.
I am still walking the path every day, and it's not always easy, but when you're pregnant so many people seem to come to your aid if you stumble and you remember why you are doing this.
I am sorry if I have preached and rambled a bit but I understand the hell of living with this fear, it's with you every moment. It consumes you at every turn. All phobias control your life but tocophobia is in escapable and your body clock only gives you so long to make a choice. I always worried that I would get pregnant then want it gone because I was unable to live with it. I did for a while, but it eased and now nine months just seems like nine months, not a life or death sentence.
If anyone wants to talk pm me any time.
Take care.
:hugs: hi andie, i am sooooo pleased that you are managing to be so philosophical about your situation and that is making things bearable:yesyes: i am lucky because i do have a child, and my fear of having another doesnt actually stem from tocophobia - more from the fear of the responsibility of having another life and having no really caring supportive ppl around - but i did have 2 miscarriages and i did also have mixed feelings about the last pregnancy becasue of my relationship - but again i find myself drawn to the desire to have another child even though im 37 in august - i wish you well with the rest of your pregancy and the birth - btw i was also scared the first time around of the birth, i did think about it alot and i was genuinely fearful that i couldnt cope - but i did and it was so natural - in reality it is an amazing experience, even though it isnt easy - it isnt called labour for nothing:winks:
Hi
To all who have this phobia, do you have an urge to want children?
:) hi, i dont actually have a phobia of being pregnant - its my anxiety in general that makes me not confident to take on the responsibilty of parenthood - even though i have one child - it is a massive thing to become a parent and i was ill-prepared and not well supported - something which hasnt changed so i still fear it - tha tand having 2 miscarriages and knowing that pregancies arent always plain sailing or happy times - alot of women who dont class themselves as anxious still struggle it isnt just us. and yes i do crave to be pregnant - currently its on my mind alot!!:hugs:
Hi Lila.
I have suffered from the same as you! Last year I got pregnant and struggled with severe anxiety and morning sickness(which was caused by my anxiety...I didn't eat, sleep, study......I was a total wreck)and eventually had to terminate the pregnancy! It was awful. My husband didn't understand it either and was really upset with me. I went to treatment, but it only made me worse. I have finally gotten better or recovered some of my selfesteem that was shattered last year. I don't think anyone can understand this unless you live it yourself. You have my full sympathy. I am trying to build my selfesteem, because I think that is the reason for my anxiety "anxiety is underestimating your ability to cope and overestimating the risk". Me and my husband are planning on using a surrogatmom. I will try to kick the anxiety to the curb, but my desire to become a mom is strong, and for now I am focused on the surrogacy. I am graduating in medicine, and being a doctor doesn't help at all.....some people think that knowing everything about the pregnancy and s**t will help......but not for me! Feel free to write if you wanna chat!! Let's hope we'll find peace and belief in ourselves one day!
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Hi Lila.
I have suffered from the same as you! Last year I got pregnant and struggled with severe anxiety and morning sickness(which was caused by my anxiety...I didn't eat, sleep, study......I was a total wreck)and eventually had to terminate the pregnancy! It was awful. My husband didn't understand it either and was really upset with me. I went to treatment, but it only made me worse. I have finally gotten better or recovered some of my selfesteem that was shattered last year. I don't think anyone can understand this unless you live it yourself. You have my full sympathy. I am trying to build my selfesteem, because I think that is the reason for my anxiety "anxiety is underestimating your ability to cope and overestimating the risk". Me and my husband are planning on using a surrogatmom. I will try to kick the anxiety to the curb, but my desire to become a mom is strong, and for now I am focused on the surrogacy. I am graduating in medicine, and being a doctor doesn't help at all.....some people think that knowing everything about the pregnancy and s**t will help......but not for me! Feel free to write if you wanna chat!! Let's hope we'll find peace and belief in ourselves one day!
Hi.
I have suffered from the same as you! Last year I got pregnant and struggled with severe anxiety and morning sickness(which was caused by my anxiety...I didn't eat, sleep, study......I was a total wreck)and eventually had to terminate the pregnancy! It was awful. My husband didn't understand it either and was really upset with me. I went to treatment, but it only made me worse. I have finally gotten better or recovered some of my selfesteem that was shattered last year. I don't think anyone can understand this unless you live it yourself. You have my full sympathy. I am trying to build my selfesteem, because I think that is the reason for my anxiety "anxiety is underestimating your ability to cope and overestimating the risk". Me and my husband are planning on using a surrogatmom. I will try to kick the anxiety to the curb, but my desire to become a mom is strong, and for now I am focused on the surrogacy. I am graduating in medicine, and being a doctor doesn't help at all.....some people think that knowing everything about the pregnancy and s**t will help......but not for me! Feel free to write if you wanna chat!! Let's hope we'll find peace and belief in ourselves one day!
Hi Carla and Fraya,
I am so scare of pregnancy as well. I am so sad because I love children and I know my husband too. Last week I have a panick atack because I told my husband that I was ready to try to get pregnant. I felt so scare. I feel so scare because I thing that SOMETHING will be inside my body. I think that I will die. I am a Child Development Specialist. I work with children and pregnant women. I teach pregnant women how to stimulate their babies. I am 38 years old and I don't have more time. I would like so much to adopt a baby but my husband wants first his own baby. I am taking 100mlg of Zoloft.
I saw last week a new therapist who works with REGRESIONS. I am going to try this new thing because my fear is so irracional that I am thinking that mybe in OTHER LIFE I DIE WHEN I WAS PREGNANT. I have tried for many years to overcome this fear. This is my last try. I hobe workd.
My firsrt language is Spanish so I am sorry for the but grammar and spelling.
GRACIAS!
Thumbelina
06-06-09, 12:30
Ladies,
Until I got on this forum I didnt even know that there is such a recognised condition as tachophobia. I am glad now that I know that.
I had my first child, had postnatal and when my first baby was 6 month old i got pregnant again and termination was not an option, so i have 2 lovely kids now with 1 year difference, though after delivery of the first one after the labour (natural with no painkillers) i developed this fear of getting pregnant - and I got pregnant in this state - the first time I have been close again with my husband after the delivery. It was like one of those weird coinsidences. I couldnt believe I was pregnant, and had many tests done and i was also still breastfeeding so it was a very low chance I could get pregnant - but I did !!! I wnt through the pregnancy with the help of my mam and had a baby - natural again - at that time I was not seeking any help yet, though had panic attakcs already. Straight after having my second one I haev developed this FEar of getting pregnant in a really bad way. I was telling about this to the doctor, but she was not responding properly. It was considered as anxiety.
THen I stopped completely being close with my husband - in order to avoid pregnancy, being so fertile. This contributed to already tensed relationships. This phobia dragged more staff and more and more - so i end up with GAD, depression and PTSD.
Knowing and reading about you all now, makes lots of sense, ladies.
Thanks,
wiskersonkittens
06-06-09, 14:38
Jasps, I have found this whole discussion rather interesting. It was a little different for me in that I wanted to be pregnant SO badly and have kids; but once I finally was pregnant I found myself often worrying about the baby. Was he or she going to be healthy? Was he or she going to be normal? Was I going to be ok? It was a very exciting time for me but in each I was not left without incident. For example, during the last couple of weeks of my first pregnancy I develope pre-eclampsia, but my baby girl came on time and was fine. I needed treatment for the high blood pressure, which finally stabalized. My second pregnancy was fine, until the last week where my daughter decided to flip and was breech. Had to get a C-section with her. It wasn't until my son that I really had to face my biggest fear -- at the end of 11 weeks I experienced a severe bleed and thought I had lost him. Yet, at the hospital the ultrasound showed he was just fine. As it turned out I had what was known as a sub-chorionic hematoma and it was touch and go there for awhile. I spent my whole pregnancy worrying I would lose him, and not enjoying it. I had a C-section wiht him, too, and he is just fine. But, all that was the pregnancy part.
There was a time I was worried I didn't have that "maternal instinct" and the more the pregnancy moved on, the more I developed it. I couldn't wait to hold my baby. Being pregnant and having the babies was the most incredible experience for me. Nursing was such a beautiful thing, too. I held my babies all the time.
Now that they are older, I know I am making so many mistakes. Parenting IS hard and you will always question yourself. Trouble is, I have been through a lot over the course of a year and that triggered my OCD (mainly O rather than C) and anxiety to reach difficult measures, and I am feeling so self-absorbed right now. I just want to be alone and deal with things, but I have to be Mommy, too, and I have having a hard time balancing it. I get hooked on something or a thought and I just want to be left alone until I solve it. I hug and kiss my kids all the time and tell them that I love them, but I am also very moody and tend to yell more than I should. I feel like I AM the failure. My kids need more from me and I feel like I am not always there for them. I keep wanting to try harder and it get it "just right", but I struggle all the time.
But, you know, at the same time, I would be so lonely without them. There are so many positives to being a Mommy, too. Things you get to experience that are only unique to you and your kids. Just the other day, my son (who is 2) jumped out at my four year old and startled her and she said, "You gave me a heart attack!" I just cracked up! And then when they see me in tears about something, they always come to me and hug me and say, "Don't cry, Mommy, everything will be ok." Kids can put the laugher in your day, or be your support when you feel you have no one. And, yes, they can drive you bonkers .. I pull my hair out everytime they don't listen, do what they are told, or talk back .. but that is the reality of parent vs kid. It doesn't last forever -- just the first 18 years! ha ha!
Having a baby is a very personal thing and if it isn't right for you, don't beat yourself up over it. It truly is a very important decision to make, and one not to take lightly. I commend you for your honesty with yourself about it. I was 30 when I had my first, and really, there are times either I wish I had them sooner so they would be about grown by now; or waiting until later, when I felt I would have been more mature. I am still waiting for that one. It's ok to be afraid. We've all been there to one degree or another. There is nothing wrong with you. I would be more concerned with those who weren't and go into it like they know everything and act as such. You can't and you won't. I just hope years from now, and I see my kids grown, I can look at them and be proud. That's when the reward will come for me. And, I want them proud of me, too. That's why I have to work hard to beat this thing and do things that are also important to me (like write my book and get my MA degree, for example).
Give yourself some room; give it a little time. You don't have to get pregnant today. It sounds as if your husband is wonderful and supportive -- that will help you immensely get through this, and even your pregnancy if you so choose; and the raising of your kids. It is harder when you don't feel that support . . . I hate to say it , but I know from experience. You are blessed and I think you will be just fine, no matter what your decision is.
Please keep me posted, and feel free to PM me anytime. My thoughts are with you. Hugs, Wiskers ~
Hi Carla and Freya
Just wondered if you're both still on here, and if you had any update re help/advice?
Having read all your posts (I know they are from a while ago now) so much of it rings try for me also. I feel I am on a constant rollacoaster at the moment, and have been for just over a year. About a year ago I started thinking I would like a child (something I've never even contemplated in the past) but haven't yet made that final decision because of tocophobia. Some days I am very positive, and I tell myself "yes, I can do this, I CAN cope and I will get through it, millions of other women do" then I have real negative days when I question myself on why I'm even considering it, and that there is no way I could cope with being pregnant for 9 months without freaking out and then giving birth - well that scares the hell out of me! Like you both, and others on here, I get so so annoyed with myself that I can't just be 'normal' and get on with it. I turned 37 this year, and so I know time is rapidly running out for me and I can't just sit and ponder over this decision for ever, but like you I feel if I don't try for a baby now, I will always regret it. I also have a big fear of needles which doesn't help with pregnancy when it comes to blood tests and pain relief - oh why does this have to be such a hard decision - what a nightmare!!
:unsure:
Fraya! I would swear we are twins. I feel like such a freak! I have such uncontrollable fears especially of being pregnant. I do not fear the pain, but know there is something inside me that has to come out and I have no control is too much for me to bear. I want kids so bad, but can't bring myself to even begin to consider it. I am on Celexa for a little over 2 months after being on Paxil for 16 years. My fears seem to be related. I fear passing out above all other fears I avoid anything that could or has caused people to pass out. This includes hospitals. I feel they are a place that people pass out so I avoid them like the plague. now it has even extending to going to the DR.s office. It is getting way out of control. Any advice??
Hi everyone,
I searched for this topic after, having heard that a friend was pregnant, I actually felt sick on her behalf; an involuntary terror. I have never thought that I have wanted children although at 28 in my mind I have to feel that it might be an evitable part of my long term relationship. I have been with partner for a very long time. I know that he would make a wonderful father but that doesn't sway me into thinking that it is always a good idea. I dislike other people's children (except for when they're behaving perfectly!) but when I go somewhere like a museum or a theatre I do feel like a family could be a part of my life - except of course - you would have to give birth! Other's descriptions of the lack of control and being tampered with completely echo my own thoughts. I'm such an extremely private person and the thought of going through proplonged undignified pain doesn't really do it for me! It really, really scares me. I also go through feelings of not wanting to ever show as pregnant, especially at work - having others know, at having to tell other people, like i've done something wrong - lots of things really. I can't help but feel if I take the next natural step in my relationship, my life as I know it will be ruined. I am a feminist and i'm wondering whether feelings of 'The man does nothing, and the woman does everything' is weighing on my mind heavily and interrupting what should be a natural progression throught life. Would I resent my partner?
I also fear that if I went through with it, would I be left all by myself with my child one day? Irrational as my relationship is fantastic and materially we have everything too. Also would I regret it and resent my child? These are feelings that I really can't say to many people. I do feel judged as someone not especially wanting to have family and especially as not being the type of person that coos after babies in cots. When I speak to my partner, I always fob him off in a way with "what'll happen, will happen" but he feels that it won't, it's a proactive decision...
I'd love to hear your thoughts - perhaps these anxieties are more common than I think and perhaps are the great taboo when it comes to women and motherhood.
Thanks for reading.
cupcakes2009
31-10-09, 08:34
OMG ive read all your posts and its like i have written them myself. Im married have been for 6 years, im 27 and my husband is amazing. I suffer from Agoraphobia, panic attacks, anxiety and the fear of having children is MASSIVE, i love my nephews they are 16 months and 5 weeks, i do everything for them like my sister does for them, i was even jealous when my sister had them both as i though, she is just 20 and she can do it, so why cant i? My husband says he does not mind not having kids but i think he would love to and he is just saying it to make me feel better :unsure: Im terrified of even the thought of being pregnant.
Hi
I hav had 2 children and 2 miscarriages, so I have been pregnant a bit! Can I just say that although I don't confess to understanding about Tocophobia as I didn't suffer from it (that's not to say I don't understand that people can suffer from it - I completely sympathise with you all, I just don't have that personal experience), I just wanted to post as I thought it may help someone to know that in the past 10 years of on off panic attacks and anxiety to various degrees, the only times I have not had day to day panic is when I have been pregnant - even though after 2 miscarriages my anxiety levels were sky high, I didn't get the related physical symptoms half as badly as normal. I just thought this might be a positive for some of you - I have read several times that for unknown reasons (hormones?) anxiety can reduce during pregnancy. So for all us anxiety sufferers, this is a great reason for being pregnant:) If I have repeated something that has already been said, sorry x
Hi niky257
I really liked reading your post, even though you say you haven't experienced tochophobia, you have had other anxieties, so to ready your post did actually reassure me to some extent, and I really want to believe that this would happen for me (if I do ever get pregnant!). I can sort of understand why that would happen, that hormones would take over and help me get through it all. Thanks for your post. Decision still not made for me yet, but hopefully I be brave and go for it! :)
Jasps,
I read your thread and just had to register because i needed to post my gratitude so badly. I just found out today that fear of pregnancy is an actual phobia. I have always had it. I thought back when I was young that I was game for having children, but now that I'm 33, been married almost 10 years, my friends have all had children and now my husband's friends (who all seemed to be in no hurry to marry or have children) are NOW having them! So I know my doomsday is imminent, it is only a matter of time before they are telling him how awesome kids are, how they change our life and how you can't imagine life without them. Look, I love children. I am always the person kids gravitate to at parties. I play with them if they ask, I help them if they need it, Basically I pay attention to them and treat them with dignity because as little people they deserve to be. Before i know it, they are fighting to sit on my lap and bringing me favorite storybooks to read. Which is fun but also
embarrassing. I know what everyone in the party is thinking- I would make such a great mom, so why don't I have any kids?
Well the answer is I am deathly afraid of of pregnancy. Thinking about finding out that I am pregnant or about being pregnant makes me very anxious. I get nauseous, shaky, short of breath, and may even hypereventilate. I will cry almost hysterically, which turns into these wheezy sob-gasps of pure, unadulterated panic. I cant make it stop. My husband is a wonderful guy-supportive, patient, loving, sensitive- and he deserves to have kids if he wants them. And I love him, and I want to give that to him. But I'm so scared to do this. I know I would never ask him to do something that could threaten his life or that he was frightened of doing. Hell, I wont even let him buy a road bike to ride around LA on. Yet he asks me to do this thing, incredibly ugly, painful, constant, no getting off rollercoaster that may ruin my body, give me diabetes that never goes away, and may even threaten my life. I dont like the idea of vaginal birth, and the thought of being cut open makes me nauseous as well.
To make matters worse, I feel like evereyone who says "Your body knows what to do" or "Your body was designed for this" doesnt know my body or my low pain tolerance. 1200mg of Motrin does nothing for my cramps- they will make me double over or freeze in my tracks sometimes. And I think those people who say "Your mind will cgange" or "After it hapens you will feel diffently" don't know how imprisoned I already feel because of the societal expectation that women who are married happily to a wonderful guy should want to be a mother and be eager for the moment they become one.
I hate the women I see walking around with giant bellies. I hate the mothers I see carrying their tiny human product of love around in a snuggly or pushing them around in a strollere. When they look at me, I get the sense that they look down on me because I dont have a baby, I have no badge of motherhood, and I'm not in their awesome club although I should be. I get supercilious glances (this is all just in my imagination Im SURE) and disdainful glares. I live in an apartment complex full of young families, full of these fertile women who are either with child or who have had their children already and are just out walking around for the air and sunshine. My husband sees them too. And now that his friends are having children, I know its only a matter of time before it is expected of me, too. I dont feel any biological clock ticking. but I do feel pressured. My husband and I are in school- we have two years left to graduation and after that it'll be time to get jobs, buy a house, and -you guessed it- become a mother. My husbandnthinks becoming a fathe will give his life a purpose. I think I already have a purpose in life. We've argued about this before, and he did tell methat if he'd known I didn't want kids he wouldnt have married me. I don't speak to my family because of a history of verbal and physical abuse. So if I lose him, I'll be completely alone. And aft a decade of being with someone, I think I would go crazy. Well, because I really love him- if it was a roommate or someone of less significange Id be ok. But not this. I am so happy without kids, but I would like to adopt someday. My flesh-and-blood family has taught me that sharing blood does not guarantee unconditional love from someone, nor does it make you a family. So I can relate to how and adopted child might feel, I think. I am happy without kids, and I would happily add to my family with any children, so long as I was not required to carry or birth them myself. I find pregnancy terrifying both physically and mentally, and freakish physically, and dangerous. i wish I didnt have to do it. I wish I could grow seventeen fetuses in 17 petri dishes, and come and visit them and take their pictures as they grew every day, and at the end of their 9 month growth pereiod, take them home, instead of harboring them in my stmach like something from Alien.
It isn't the thought of children that makes me panic. its childbirth.
And all the women who keep being brave enough to go through with it are ruining my life. I dont think my husband will understand that I am NOT one of these women. It's not a "natural" thing for me. I CAN'T do what other women do just because they were able to do it. And its not all just selfishness and fear of pain. I look at the world I live in and think about the horrible things that happen and that people do to each other. I dont want my children living in it. This world makes me sad and for the most part I am disappointed in humanity
(that could just be a side effect of my living in the cesspool of humanity that
is Los Angeles though).
In any case, I am glad to have some fellow women who feel similar about the process. I thought I was the only one. Everyone who tries to help makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. Ive felt defective and like a failure as a woman because I can't "get over it" or I don't have a "biological clock
ticking" yet. And somehow I cant help thinking some of them who go in for it again just forget about how painful it is, or they dont mind puking for the first couple of weeks. I dont get drunk because i dont like feeling nauseous or puking. The possibility of enduring such a state for a month, minus the happy drunk feelings? No way. Do I like being constipated? I hate pooping and the necessity of it on a regular basis, so constipation would not make me happy. The possibility of hemorrhoids is not something I look forward to either. Nor is bleeding post pregnancy- I already wish I could be induced into a coma during my period. To bleed for longer than 7-10 days is unthinkable. Scratch that-- unbearable. I hate doctor wisits and a visit to the gyno reduces me to tears beforehand, every time. It does not get easier for me. So i am notnlooking forward to visits for a baby, being poked, prodded, naked, frozen, etc., and otherwise feeling hiumiliated isnt for me. I am seriously terrorized by this, and I know this was long but Im holding a lot back because i dont want to unleash my terror and make it worse for others. But you get the picture of the state I'm in and my deep sense of panic. Thank you for posting about this. At least now i know I am not the only one.
What an interesting thread.
I have just turned 45, and we have been trying for our first for 3 years. But the past 6 months, I have suffered from anxiety and depression. I am having counselling and am on Citalopram, we are still trying as I know I have practically no time left, but it still scares the life out of me, I would rather be well before we tried again, but we haven't got the time. Actually the thought of not trying anymore actually made my depression worse, so we are still trying and what will be, will be!
starlight78
01-11-12, 07:05
Hi everyone,
I know that this is an old thread, I just wondered if anyone had any updates. X x
:yesyes: I JUS WANA SAY UR STORY IS VERY ENCOURAGING IM ONLY 5 WEEKS PREGNANT N BE4 THIS IVE HAD 3 ABORTIONS DO TO MY PHOBIA OF HAVING A BABY GROW INSIDE OF ME I FEEL AS THOUGH IM GONNA LOSE MY MIND AT THE THOUGHT OF FEELING IT MOVE.. BUT NOW ITS DIFFERENT IM MUCH MORE CALM N MY STATE OF PANIC HAS GONE AWAY BUT ITS LIKE IM LOOKIN FOR IT OR WAITIN FOR IT TO KICK IN I REALLY WANNA GO THROUGH WITH THIS PREGNANCY N READING UR POST HAS MADE ME FEEL A LOT MORE AT EASE.. MIND U I HAVE TWO OLDER CHILDREN ITS BEEN SO LONG THOUGH IVE FORGOTTEN WAT IT FEELS LIKE.. ANYWAY JUS WANNA SAY THANK YOU FOR SHARING UR STORY..
Oh Pen, you are not a freak and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about things. Many women suffer from the same fear, it’s just not talked about very much.
You have already had one baby and no two pregnancies are the same. The risk of dying from something pregnancy related are so small it’s unreal, there are so many tests and checks nowadays it’s relatively easy to be pregnant. You have more chance of being killed just walking down the street!
What you should focus on is how much you loved your little boy when he was born and how it was all worth it. The same will happen with a second baby. You also already know of everything that’s coming your way with pregnancy so you are much better prepared.
I was like you when I saw the blue line with my first pregnancy, I threw up, nearly collapsed and wanted to be sick all the time through the stress of regretting it. I too lost my baby with that pregnancy but I feel it helped me prepare more for this baby. On one of my previous posts I explained that even though I knew I was pregnant this time, I couldn’t bring myself to do a test as that was where I freaked out the first time and I was scared of reliving the feelings. I eventually did one after about 2 weeks, much to my best friends dismay as she was desperate to know for sure and I asked my husband to check the reading. When he said ‘pregnant’ I honestly felt fine and I was happy and we had a big cuddle. The decision had been made and I could now sit back and stop worrying.
I am due in just over 3 weeks and after all the stress and upset I put myself through to get here, I am so proud of myself and it’s renewed my faith in my abilities as a human and as a woman.
I have done pre-natal yoga to help myself stay calm and it sends out really positive messages about pregnancy and labour and has taught me so much. You also get to meet other women and realise some of them are just as scared as you, we just don’t talk about it normally.
I really hope you can work it out, does your husband know how you feel?
Deep down you know you will regret not having any more children, which is proof that you do want to do this, you just have to believe in yourself and take the step to do it.
Carla xxx
pookie1000
22-07-13, 03:40
Hi all, I am a 41 year old female who works in the medical profession. I joined this site to glean more on how the drugs I prescribe make people really feel, as many stories start to show trends.
I know these posts are old, but I am so glad I stumbled on this discussion about fear of pregnancy. I have recently career switched and am now making good money, and every thing is in place, like a great partner, house and financial security. Only 3 problems: we're a gay couple and have to get sperm differently, I'm 41, and have a ton of anxiety about getting pregnant, like babies with defects, total failure to get pregnant, that my child will be horrifically difficult in some way (i.e. autistic, defiant, a criminal or drug addict).
Because of these fears, I did not even entertain the idea of having kids until mid 30's, but that was when I was headed back to school. Then when I finished it was hard for me to find the right fitting job, and now that I've jumped that hurdle I face being 41 and trying to have a baby and overcome all those fears of "what could go wrong." As for my partner, who is about to be 37, she just confessed she does not want to carry the baby, so it's all on me if this is gonna happen. Today we met another lesbian couple who have succeeded in having 2 kids in their late 30's, and from there I come to this website and encounter all these other women who are having major anxiety about pregnancy. I feel comforted and a little less alone.
One thing that has occurred to me, just trying to get pregnant would be something--some people get stuck right there in itself. And the way I see it is if I at least try and fail, at least I tried. I can perhaps live with that. I want to be someone who tries stuff that scares him or her, if anything just to say I tried.
I just happened to notice this thread while browsing the forum, and some of the posts have really struck a chord. I don't think I'm afraid of being pregnant, as such, I just have no desire to have children. It's going to sound incredibly selfish, but I like my life as it is and I can't see myself as a mum, I can't see myself putting my career on hold, spending time at home - it's just not me. I'll admit if I think about actually giving birth I do get the horrors a bit, but realistically it's not a pleasant thing, is it, so I guess that's not surprising. But it's not as if I wish I could have a child but fear of pregnancy/birth is stopping me, I don't think. I just don't want children. And I'm a little concerned that it makes me weird! I mean - aren't women meant to want children?
Hi
Such an old post, just wondering how things are with you two, I came across your post when I typed my feelings like yours into google
Im 28 & waiting to go for IVF & have suddenly found myself terrified, & out of control
Hi
I can really empathise with a lot of the posts in this thread. About a week ago I found out that i'm pregnant (i'm 5 weeks) and can't seem to stop worrying about it. I've had issues with anxiety (social and general) for many years and I seem to go in phases of being less anxious for a few weeks/months and then it comes back again. It's generally worse when i'm stressed/worried and at the moment i'm worried about being pregnant.
I've never liked the idea of being pregnant and my body changing, etc. I also have a phobia about blood, needles, medical situations, etc which doesn't help! But I recently took the plunge, came off the pill earlier this year and have been trying for a baby with my husband. I didn't know how i'd actually feel when I got pregnant and surprisingly, at first, I was really pleased and excited. But now it's sunk in it's just constantly on my mind and i'm worried about whether everything is alright, what tests i'm going to have to have, and every little strange feeling/ache/pain i'm worried about.
Does anyone have any tips for stopping the worry? Yesterday I had palpitations for half an hour and, on the advice of NHS Direct helpline ended up at A&E. They did ECGs, blood pressure and blood tests (which made me more anxious because of my phobia of needles, etc!) and didn't find anything wrong. So now i'm sure it was down to a build up of anxiety and worry - but obviously that's now made me worry even more in case it happens again :(
If anyone else in a similar situation wants to chat, please feel free to get in touch so we can support each other x
Hi
I just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy.
Last week a loved one of mine ended up in hospital & I had to go & I was stressed anxious but now a week on I can relax again
And learn that fear and anxiety dont last forever at some point life gets back to normal
So in the future you may have bad days but they will pass, try and accept its normal to feel scared & not in control.
My sisters first pregnancy was fine just the routine scan appointments & local mid wife, nothing really upsetting, for bloodtest ask to lye down it really helps,
I hope everything goes aswell as possible
Hi Cat
Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to think positively about things - I know most women who become pregnant for the first time must feel a bit apprehensive about what's to come and scared in case things go wrong so i'm trying to normalise that. I'm just worried as I don't want my anxiety issues to get on top of me again.
I'm hoping that once I get to 12 weeks i'll stop worrying so much about the 'things going wrong' side of things and that might make me feel less anxious.
Have you got a date for your IVF? I hope it's successful for you.
Zoe x
Hi I think it's simple Do or Don't!
Might sound blunt and obvious BUT...... As I sit here someone whom 2 years ago had a brakedown and never suffered with panic attacks anxiety before 2011 - I Now feel trapped im due 19th tis month. If u like read some of my recent threads post I basically have driven myself into the ground because in my mind I just keep thinking almos daydreaming that I'm going to die! Or serious issue with baby. I've got 2 kids already BUT when I had them I wasn't a panic sufferer & let me tell U I had acute severe panic attacks that ruined my teaching career & 6 months of agrophobia. So I KNOW how bad the whole panic thing gets!
The thing is I know rationally I'm reading tooo much into the ultimate part of pregnancy But, what your doing is worrying about getting pregnant to start with. I can completely understand your concerns as a fellow GAD sufferer but your not even pregnant yet so this is not worth the level of stress your creating for yourself. U already know the facts , u have anxiety as it is , u want a baby, soo are u gonna let it stop u from having children , just to regret it later in life?
So it's either Do or Dont in my honest opinion - chat with your hubby about all these worries, perhaps speak to people who've been through the process or chat to your GP?
I know this thread is old. But I wanted to add that I too have this fear, and wanted to share my fear somewhere. I have been doing a lot of research on this subject and found this forum. So many women are saying what I feel inside.
I do NOT want to be pregnant. I know this with every fiber of my being.
However, I have gotten married and well now, the family (both sides) and husband want me to reproduce. I have agreed to adoption but thats not want anyone else wants. They want to know why I am not getting pregnant and the simple answer is; i don't want to.
I just don't.
I can't stand the thought of something being inside me and growing and moving. I can't stand the thought of the delicate state a women is when she is pregnant. I can't stand the though of my stomach getting so big and gross. And of course, the birth, who the hell wants that to happen to them?
I don't know what to do, but reading through many articles, there have been women to get through their pregnancies apparently just fine. I don't know what my future holds, but I wanted to share my story. Because there are SOOO many women like us, I feel we always feel safer in numbers.
I should also mention, I don't feel bad about not wanting to be pregnant, I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation or an apology, at the end of the day this is my body and mine alone. I do however, love my husband more than words could say, and I would feel like this biggest a**hole for not being a team mate, and doing what I am "supposed" to do.
:(
Hi I'm new here and I have this problem as well as others! Just wondering how you're getting on? Would be great to hear from you as I do feel very alone on this one's nobody Inc doctors, councillors haven't heard of it - great!!!
MyNameIsTerry
07-09-15, 05:10
Hi I'm new here and I have this problem as well as others! Just wondering how you're getting on? Would be great to hear from you as I do feel very alone on this one's nobody Inc doctors, councillors haven't heard of it - great!!!
Hi Doreen,
I remembered a more recent thread with some currently active members on for this on the GAD pregnancy board:
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=171956
Maybe they will comment on this thread or if not, at least you know there are some people around at the moment who could talk to you about this if you start a new thread for yourself, maybe?
Don't worry about the doctors not knowiing about it. I have OCD and there are many forms, some of which are largely unknown but anxiety shares many common elements with other disorders so treating fear is always possible in some way. Besides, those therapists/counsellors are supposed to be supervised if they are NHS so they can talk to their more experienced superiors anyway and there are always medical articles they can refer to.
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