Bill
17-11-09, 05:02
I sit in my bedroom at night on here reading the posts on the forum, writing thoughts that I think might help whilst waiting for peace so that I can get to bed and sleep but more often than not its not until gone 6am before I know I won't be woken up.
I look around the walls and see the spiders in the corners (I know I should dust more!) but they are my company. They seem quite content to sit there watching me while I watch them and then I start thinking...is that all there is?
I eventually get to bed when others are getting up. I'm having breakfast when others are having lunch. I'm having dinner when others are going to bed! And I think to myself....is that all there is?
When I eventually can be bothered to get up, I wash, I dress, I go downstairs and see to the dog and I sit alone waiting in silence for hassle to begin and then I start thinking.....is that all there is?
Then I might potter about trying to find some sanctuary alone or go out and see my mother for company or go to town to talk to strangers working in shops and then I go home again to be alone with more hassle and then I start thinking....is that all there is?
And then I will probably cook and do all the washing up that's been left and fall asleep in front of the tv because I can't get any sleep at night and when I wake I think to myself....is that all there is?
And when I do get to bed and I'm laying there alone staring at the ceiling whilst listening to a friendly voice on the radio for company, I start thinking....is that all there is?
And then I might dream, happy dreams or nightmares, and wake to roaring silence of my room that surrounds me with only distant snores that remind me that the day might be as my night was and then I think...is that all there is?
Then I start thinking of the future that will be the same as today but probably even more alone with only my spiders in my room to talk to with only distant snores and I think to myself, what am I doing, where am I going, will I always feel alone, will I ever find lasting purpose in living and then I think of the answers that fly back me and i start thinking if life will always be as it is....is that all there is to my life? And the only answer I find every day wherever I look is...Yes, because I can't find anything to make me feel alive because I can't feel anything inside.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X1DDMmJbgI :shrug:
And as the sun sets on a life that should have done much more....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei3zSSXKigc
I look around the walls and see the spiders in the corners (I know I should dust more!) but they are my company. They seem quite content to sit there watching me while I watch them and then I start thinking...is that all there is?
I eventually get to bed when others are getting up. I'm having breakfast when others are having lunch. I'm having dinner when others are going to bed! And I think to myself....is that all there is?
When I eventually can be bothered to get up, I wash, I dress, I go downstairs and see to the dog and I sit alone waiting in silence for hassle to begin and then I start thinking.....is that all there is?
Then I might potter about trying to find some sanctuary alone or go out and see my mother for company or go to town to talk to strangers working in shops and then I go home again to be alone with more hassle and then I start thinking....is that all there is?
And then I will probably cook and do all the washing up that's been left and fall asleep in front of the tv because I can't get any sleep at night and when I wake I think to myself....is that all there is?
And when I do get to bed and I'm laying there alone staring at the ceiling whilst listening to a friendly voice on the radio for company, I start thinking....is that all there is?
And then I might dream, happy dreams or nightmares, and wake to roaring silence of my room that surrounds me with only distant snores that remind me that the day might be as my night was and then I think...is that all there is?
Then I start thinking of the future that will be the same as today but probably even more alone with only my spiders in my room to talk to with only distant snores and I think to myself, what am I doing, where am I going, will I always feel alone, will I ever find lasting purpose in living and then I think of the answers that fly back me and i start thinking if life will always be as it is....is that all there is to my life? And the only answer I find every day wherever I look is...Yes, because I can't find anything to make me feel alive because I can't feel anything inside.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X1DDMmJbgI :shrug:
And as the sun sets on a life that should have done much more....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei3zSSXKigc