jet12
17-11-09, 12:40
Hello everyone
I've suffered from a series of panic attacks over the last 10 years while at work, usually in meetings and also when public speaking. No doubt like many others I suffered in silence for far too long and only in the last 12 months, after one particularly embarrasing (but ultimately positive) experience in front of senior colleagues, did I seek professional help.
Having started on a road to recovery with the help of an excellent clinical psychologist, I've had progress interupted by a few minor episodes at work. I thought it would be helpful to share my story with like minded sufferers and survivors in the hope that a) I can boost my confidence at a time when some familiar doubts are creeping in and b) so that anyone who might be suffering similar symptoms to myself can themselves gain confidence from hearing of others who are on the journey and ultimately (even so I say so myself) making good progress! So here goes.....
I am a professional who has held senior roles in business for several years. I am viewed by my colleagues as a "natural leader", an extrovert and someone with energy and enthusiasm to burn. No doubt like countless others here, the public persona was at odds with my inner feelings of self doubt, low self esteem and general unease at being thrust into the spotlight at business functions. The reasons for this I do not know but the specialist who has helped me so much recently has encouraged me to look forward not back so happy to do this and move on!
About 10 years ago I had my first panic attack in a meeting with colleagues. Nothing prepared me for it, I felt relaxed and calm and was asked to speak briefly on an agenda topic. I can remember the feeling so well, burning sensation rising up from my legs, palpitations, heart racing, head spinning and hot flushes. The panic maybe lasted less than 30 seconds but felt like an age and I remember stuttering and stammering and feeling desparately like I wanted to run from the room. Others appeared to notice but as always the episode was no doubt worse for me than it looked to others.
Following this episode I began to obsess about future meetings and especially speaking in public. My outgoing nature and apparent natural speaking ability meant I was constantly asked to speak to conferences or to meetings and I remember fighting so hard to try and manage the waves of panic that came over me immediately prior to each speaking engagement. My support system was always based around writing out my speech word for word so if I did panic I could revert to a script, even for the most minor and short speaking role, to the extent that even a 30 second update in a meeting with colleagues would be scripted and rehearsed. Quite ridiculous I know but this made me feel more secure and while I had several near misses prior to and during speeches in the years that followed, I was fortunate not to experience an attack in front of colleagues or an audience. Despite this apparent "success" I found work exhausting and I lived day to day waiting for the day I would be "found out".
The subtle impact this can have on a life is, in hindsight, quite incredible and I can see now that my fears and anxieties influenced so much of my life. I didn't seek promotion when it was offered, I didn't buy the bigger house for my family that I could afford through my hard work, I didn't look forward to my future career with anything other than dread. ANd all because of a seemingly minor episode (in comparison to so many other people) that came to dominate my working life.
About 2 years ago, still suffering symptoms to the extent that even introducing guests at a boardroom lunch became very very difficult for me, I had a panic attack in front of colleagues when I was, again, asked to give a very brief update to a meeting on business results. This time I couldn't speak at all and was shaking violently that it became obvious to all there was a problem. I confessed all to my colleagues and, despite my huge embarrasment was amazed at the relaxed manner in which my discomfort was handled by them and the support I received afterwards. I hope others have been equally fortunate if they have had similar situations to deal with at work.
In the weeks following this episode I had two more "public" episodes. On one occasion I ran out of the room when having an HR meeting with a member of staff (I made out I was going to be sick) and then in a meeting with two colleagues I again confessed all as I began to tremble when explaining a diagram on a document I had prepared. Even one on one meetings over coffee became a struggle.
The point I am most keen to get across is that when I have read experiences from others in similar situations I often think that the sufferer is likely a quiet introvert who is naturally shy and this is manifesting itself in panic symptoms so there's really nothing special to worry about. But the reality is that my public episodes have been met with "I would have expected this from absolutely anyone but you" and I have never, ever had a problem meeting people, making conversation and leading discussions - and I suspect I am absolutely not alone here.
The above episodes have been a catalyst for me and I have sought professional help. And if I achieve nothing else from my post it would be to encourage ANYONE in my situation to be brave and seek help immediately. I reckon I have read EVERY book on panic attacks and also social phobias known to man and after every episode or near miss I'd buy another. There is NO SUBSTITUTE for professional help in my opinion and, while it took me three attempts to find a psychologist that I felt was on my wavelength, the wait was worth it. So what have I learnt....
1. That I'm not mad, far from it.
2. That there's countless others in my situation and to hear that face to face from someone who is counselling these people is a huge help and confidence booster
3. That despite what some say, there is NO QUICK FIX for me and I need to be patient as I work back through to recovery
4. That my problems are caused primarily by the way I think and that if I can train myself, over the long term, to think differently I will manage this problem and learn that ultimately I AM IN CONTROL. Until I learned this I felt my panic was not in my control and I was going mad because of how quickly this was affecting me in meetings - now I know I cause the panic every time by the way I think.
5. That cognitive behavioural therapy (for me) was something I was hugely sceptical of but that when I write down my feelings and counter thoughts prior to a speech or a meeting, the anxiety I feel DEFINATELY reduces and begins to be put in context. I would encourage anyone who may be sceptical to at least give it a go.
6. That learning to recognise and accept anxious feeling as part of me and not a threat is something that needs practice but is fundamental to my recovery.
7. That recovery takes a long time and more so because I have let it dominate me for so many years.
8. That under no circumstances will I let this thing beat me and that recovery is a marathon not a sprint.
Its nearly a year snce I first sought help and no, I'm not "recovered" and yes, in recent weeks I've had a couple of scares and near misses which really set me back and led to a few days of total despair - which isn't good for me or my family who have put up with far too many days/nights when Dad is present in body only!
The despair would have lingered had I not learned so much from my counsellor who warned me absolutely to expect setbacks and prepare for them. So I've had a couple and now I am working again on the points above and starting again to write my thoughts and feelings down, learning to recognise negative thought patterns that used to be automatic and accepted by me but are now having to fight for attention and be challenged. And ultimately now I'm trying so hard to remind myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel - during the last 6 months I've had a few glimpses of what life must be like when this anxiety problem has disappeared and its a fantastic and very liberating feeling. I hope others who are going through this have similar moments and it would be brilliant to hear from people who are on the other side of this now.
In signing off then, I'd just like to remind anyone who'se landed on the forum after some early moments of panic, especialy in a situation similar to mine, that there's loads of us out here at varying stages on the journey and that, in my view, professional help may just be the key to solving a very solvable problem, especially I suspect if its caught early.
Thanks for reading this, I apologise for rambling on, and I would love to hear from others who are going through this. I'm staying positive but we all need a confidence boost from time to time.
Thanks again
Jet12
I've suffered from a series of panic attacks over the last 10 years while at work, usually in meetings and also when public speaking. No doubt like many others I suffered in silence for far too long and only in the last 12 months, after one particularly embarrasing (but ultimately positive) experience in front of senior colleagues, did I seek professional help.
Having started on a road to recovery with the help of an excellent clinical psychologist, I've had progress interupted by a few minor episodes at work. I thought it would be helpful to share my story with like minded sufferers and survivors in the hope that a) I can boost my confidence at a time when some familiar doubts are creeping in and b) so that anyone who might be suffering similar symptoms to myself can themselves gain confidence from hearing of others who are on the journey and ultimately (even so I say so myself) making good progress! So here goes.....
I am a professional who has held senior roles in business for several years. I am viewed by my colleagues as a "natural leader", an extrovert and someone with energy and enthusiasm to burn. No doubt like countless others here, the public persona was at odds with my inner feelings of self doubt, low self esteem and general unease at being thrust into the spotlight at business functions. The reasons for this I do not know but the specialist who has helped me so much recently has encouraged me to look forward not back so happy to do this and move on!
About 10 years ago I had my first panic attack in a meeting with colleagues. Nothing prepared me for it, I felt relaxed and calm and was asked to speak briefly on an agenda topic. I can remember the feeling so well, burning sensation rising up from my legs, palpitations, heart racing, head spinning and hot flushes. The panic maybe lasted less than 30 seconds but felt like an age and I remember stuttering and stammering and feeling desparately like I wanted to run from the room. Others appeared to notice but as always the episode was no doubt worse for me than it looked to others.
Following this episode I began to obsess about future meetings and especially speaking in public. My outgoing nature and apparent natural speaking ability meant I was constantly asked to speak to conferences or to meetings and I remember fighting so hard to try and manage the waves of panic that came over me immediately prior to each speaking engagement. My support system was always based around writing out my speech word for word so if I did panic I could revert to a script, even for the most minor and short speaking role, to the extent that even a 30 second update in a meeting with colleagues would be scripted and rehearsed. Quite ridiculous I know but this made me feel more secure and while I had several near misses prior to and during speeches in the years that followed, I was fortunate not to experience an attack in front of colleagues or an audience. Despite this apparent "success" I found work exhausting and I lived day to day waiting for the day I would be "found out".
The subtle impact this can have on a life is, in hindsight, quite incredible and I can see now that my fears and anxieties influenced so much of my life. I didn't seek promotion when it was offered, I didn't buy the bigger house for my family that I could afford through my hard work, I didn't look forward to my future career with anything other than dread. ANd all because of a seemingly minor episode (in comparison to so many other people) that came to dominate my working life.
About 2 years ago, still suffering symptoms to the extent that even introducing guests at a boardroom lunch became very very difficult for me, I had a panic attack in front of colleagues when I was, again, asked to give a very brief update to a meeting on business results. This time I couldn't speak at all and was shaking violently that it became obvious to all there was a problem. I confessed all to my colleagues and, despite my huge embarrasment was amazed at the relaxed manner in which my discomfort was handled by them and the support I received afterwards. I hope others have been equally fortunate if they have had similar situations to deal with at work.
In the weeks following this episode I had two more "public" episodes. On one occasion I ran out of the room when having an HR meeting with a member of staff (I made out I was going to be sick) and then in a meeting with two colleagues I again confessed all as I began to tremble when explaining a diagram on a document I had prepared. Even one on one meetings over coffee became a struggle.
The point I am most keen to get across is that when I have read experiences from others in similar situations I often think that the sufferer is likely a quiet introvert who is naturally shy and this is manifesting itself in panic symptoms so there's really nothing special to worry about. But the reality is that my public episodes have been met with "I would have expected this from absolutely anyone but you" and I have never, ever had a problem meeting people, making conversation and leading discussions - and I suspect I am absolutely not alone here.
The above episodes have been a catalyst for me and I have sought professional help. And if I achieve nothing else from my post it would be to encourage ANYONE in my situation to be brave and seek help immediately. I reckon I have read EVERY book on panic attacks and also social phobias known to man and after every episode or near miss I'd buy another. There is NO SUBSTITUTE for professional help in my opinion and, while it took me three attempts to find a psychologist that I felt was on my wavelength, the wait was worth it. So what have I learnt....
1. That I'm not mad, far from it.
2. That there's countless others in my situation and to hear that face to face from someone who is counselling these people is a huge help and confidence booster
3. That despite what some say, there is NO QUICK FIX for me and I need to be patient as I work back through to recovery
4. That my problems are caused primarily by the way I think and that if I can train myself, over the long term, to think differently I will manage this problem and learn that ultimately I AM IN CONTROL. Until I learned this I felt my panic was not in my control and I was going mad because of how quickly this was affecting me in meetings - now I know I cause the panic every time by the way I think.
5. That cognitive behavioural therapy (for me) was something I was hugely sceptical of but that when I write down my feelings and counter thoughts prior to a speech or a meeting, the anxiety I feel DEFINATELY reduces and begins to be put in context. I would encourage anyone who may be sceptical to at least give it a go.
6. That learning to recognise and accept anxious feeling as part of me and not a threat is something that needs practice but is fundamental to my recovery.
7. That recovery takes a long time and more so because I have let it dominate me for so many years.
8. That under no circumstances will I let this thing beat me and that recovery is a marathon not a sprint.
Its nearly a year snce I first sought help and no, I'm not "recovered" and yes, in recent weeks I've had a couple of scares and near misses which really set me back and led to a few days of total despair - which isn't good for me or my family who have put up with far too many days/nights when Dad is present in body only!
The despair would have lingered had I not learned so much from my counsellor who warned me absolutely to expect setbacks and prepare for them. So I've had a couple and now I am working again on the points above and starting again to write my thoughts and feelings down, learning to recognise negative thought patterns that used to be automatic and accepted by me but are now having to fight for attention and be challenged. And ultimately now I'm trying so hard to remind myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel - during the last 6 months I've had a few glimpses of what life must be like when this anxiety problem has disappeared and its a fantastic and very liberating feeling. I hope others who are going through this have similar moments and it would be brilliant to hear from people who are on the other side of this now.
In signing off then, I'd just like to remind anyone who'se landed on the forum after some early moments of panic, especialy in a situation similar to mine, that there's loads of us out here at varying stages on the journey and that, in my view, professional help may just be the key to solving a very solvable problem, especially I suspect if its caught early.
Thanks for reading this, I apologise for rambling on, and I would love to hear from others who are going through this. I'm staying positive but we all need a confidence boost from time to time.
Thanks again
Jet12