View Full Version : After 7 years with GAD, concerned this is more than just anxiety now
Hi,
I have suffered from anxiety my entire life, but this only became a problem for me when I started getting symptoms of derealisation, and then full blown GAD symptoms 7 years ago. I am 28 now, and have been off work a year due to my problems worsening.
Up until about a year ago, I was confident that I only had GAD. I think now that I have some depression as well, since I lack a feeling of weel being and also the pleasure from certain things that I even had whilst my GAD was bad. However, I also now feel particularly "detatched", and it feels like more than just the derealisation.
I know that letting go, and acceptance are my best way out of this nightmare, but all the time I feel so detatched, I can't even hold a single thought for more than a second, and I feel as though life is passing me by without me really even realising it. I can't focus at all, and life just feels so "wrong".
Maybe this is still just anxiety and depression, I don't know, it feels like something has "broken" in my brain now and I can never get better. Normality seems so foreign to me, it's as if I could never achieve it now.
Can anyone relate, or suggest whether this is still just anxiety (and depression), or whether there is something more seriously wrong with me now?
Thanks,
Davey Boy.
Hi Davey Boy,
I can totally relate to how you are feeling so do not feel alone. I have been an anxious person all my life as well but never experienced full blown panic attacks until 2 years ago when we had a sudden death in our family. I have not been normal since and I too feel like my brain is "broken" - I think it hits us with full force and shock that it is hard to forget those feelings and to shut it off. I have never experienced something so scary before and it almost feels like I have suffered PTSD just from the chronic anxiety and panic. I have fought this for 2 years without any therapy or medicine. I even quit a great job because of it too. Things have really gotten out of control this month and my husband has helped me to make an appointment with a therapist. I go next week and an now having constant panic attacks thinking about it and now feel that because I could not resolve them myself than I must be losing my mind. I have also slumped into a deep depression as well. It now seems like depression is what I am feeling more than the anxiety. Just sadness. I really have nothing to be sad about because I have a wonderful family but I still do feel terrible. I think the chronic anxiety is so deblillatating that it really makes us lose confidence in ourselves. I also truly believe the world we live in today is so screwed up that millions of people are feeling like this. Just look at this site - people all around the world feel this way so we are not alone. We have so many pressures in life to be perfect and at least with me I find myself comparing myself to everyone around me. For all we know they may appear to be happy but may be having a difficult time themselves. I really believe things happen for a reason and we are going through this right now and we don't understand why, but it is a hiccup in life that will pass. I am very nervous about my upcoming appointment but I know it is the right thing to do. In fact, when I made the appointment I was on hold for about a half hour and also had to beg for an appointment as soon as possible. They are so backed up so believe me it is happening all over. Are you seeking therapy or are you on any medicine? I wish you the best and don't feel alone in how you are feeling. Anyone would be depressed after going through chronic anxiety like we have! I think it shows just how strong we are to have to endure it. I do not wish it on my worst enemy. I wish you all the best and I am right there with you with the depression, anxiety and derealisation.
Big Hugs:bighug1:
Hey thanks Mya :) :)
That makes me a feel a lot better, to hear something say that it is normal. I'm terribly sorry though that you are having to put up with the same stuff :(
I do truely believe I will get over this, same as you, it's just taking a bit longer than I anticipated! I think that maybe I also suffer more from the depression than the anxiety sometimes now. Perhaps half my problem is apathy in fact.
Depression is a strange one, because it isn't like I'd have expected. I don't feel "sad" per se, but life is just a lot crapper.
I have seen about 7 therapists to date, and sadly none have been able to help. But I don't let that put me off as I know I can be helped. It's great that you are going to see one, I'm sure they will teach you a lot of useful stuff.
Davey Boy.
Hi Davey Boy,
Thank you sooo much for your kind words and I apologize for not responding in a while. I am having continuous panic attacks now about seeing the therapist. I go in 2 hours and literally feel like I am about to lose it. This is a ridiculous thought process. I have been to a therapist before, but way before I started experiencing these panic attacks. Trying to fight them and talk coherently is very difficult. I am so afraid I am going to end up housebound at some point because when I feel like this I really do not want to leave my safe place. I know I have to do this for myself and my husband but it is so hard. My "catastrophic thinking" is making me feel like this woman is going to send me to a hospital or something which is my biggest fear! I really think I have OCD which has manifested from some very stressful situations in the past few years and I will never know unless I get evaluated. I am terrified of OCD because I do not think there is a cure. I hope to God this helps me but like you said there are a lot of people on here that it hasn't helped plus they are medicated too - which scares me even more. I pray for all of us going through this and I hope one day I will be normal again so I can help others like us. My family just does not understand it and they look at me like I am some child that "needs to get it together" but they have no idea how awful this is.
I really hope you are getting better as well and if you ever need to chat please feel free to PM me. The people on here are so nice and I wish I lived in Britain to meet you all. I cannot get on a plane but I have always wanted to go there. I thought the US had all the anxiety here since this country has been such a mess. My husband and I always say we need to move out of here and maybe that is a reason why I am going mad! I will pray for you and I know things are happening for a reason.....we must try and stay positive and remember we are learning from these ordeals and will only become stronger in the long run.
Take care,
Mya:)
Hi Davey Boy,
Just checking to see how you are doing and if you are still online. I went to my first therapy appointment and was diagnosed with GAD and situational disorder. The doctor wants to put me on an antidepressant because she believes my serotonin levels are non existant. I honestly believe the anxiety is what is causing me depression and that if that can be helped than maybe the depression would get better. I have terrible health anxiety and my father who is a doctor (which I believe is the reason i have health anxiety) does not want me to go on the antidepressant because of some of the side effects. My cousin tried to kill himself when he went on it and of course that is causing once again catastrophic thinking for me. My father would like to see me on beta blockers but I don't know. The therapist says it will be short term to regulate my chemicals and then we can discontinue and use talk therapy. I am very disappointed that I need meds and it makes me feel like a failure. I also feel like "short term" will only become a lifelong thing. Anyways, the reason for my post is to let you know that GAD is obviously causing depression after a while. Who would not be feeling depressed from being in anxious mode everyday? I have had this almost 2 years and can't take it so i cannot imagine 7 years like yourself. Just shows you how strong you are and that you are surely not alone! I am wishing you the best.
Mya,
Sorry for replying so late, I've been away from home for a while.
That's great that you made it to the therapist, despite your strong fears over going. You should be proud of that. It's really not easy thing to do. I remember my first time and not knowing what to expect at all!
Have you made a decision with the antidepressants yet? What specifically did he prescribe? I have tried a number of different medications now, and I am on Mirtazapine which I believe does help with my mood quite a bit.
I would say it is extremely likely that your depression is a side effect of your anxiety, as you point out. I think this is the same with me. I catastrophize everything too, and it is a harsh form of anxiety that this produces. The world is a constantly terrifying place!
I do worry about the long term effects of antidepressants a bit, but I hope to never be on them more than a decade. Although obviously that is still a long time :unsure:
I'm having ups and downs at the moment. Sometimes I feel like I can see the end of this, and other times I am so confused I don't know if I will ever get better. I do believe though that the true way out of this is acceptance. I think we have to lay down our resistance and ride it out. This is a normal set of symptoms that happen to millions of people when their nerves get exhausted.
It's just that I have a complication in that I have abused drugs to "self medicate" my anxiety, and I have a health anxiety obsession that I might have caused brain damage, and that the damage is causing my anxiety. It has been disputed by every health professional that I have seen, and let I still can not let go of it yet :doh:
It's interesting that you mention OCD as I suffer from that in some regards too. It is more of what is called "Pure O" though, in that I obsess in my head, but I don't have many actual compulsions. I do believe you can recover from OCD. I think it is often a side effect of anxiety, so it may not be worth paying too much attention too. Or otherwise it might be a symptom of something else going on, like it could be your minds way of distracting you, or it might be that your brain is just trying to tell you something. Ultimately I think we can all get better, it is just finding the way that is right for us.
Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. I hope to hear an update on your situation, and really hope you are doing ok :)
Davey Boy,
Thank you so much for your kindness. I am sorry my other posts where so "emotionally dramatic". I should not post during those episodes for someone will ship me to a loony farm!
My therapist wants me to speak with a psychiatrist in the office about medication. I have not met with the psychiatrist yet. I have another session with the therapist next week and then I will meet with the psychiatrist. The drug the therapist said she believes would be prescribed is Lexapro. I am very scared because I have had suicidal/intrusive thoughts and I am afraid that this medication will be dangerous because of that. I need to seriously talk with the doctors about this.
I have only had one session, but to be honest, I am feeling worse and even more anxious now than before. I guess I am having doubts that anyone can help me. But I am trying to stay positive and will give her a chance. I was thinking of changing therapists already but worrying about that right now is giving me more issues, so I would like to try and work with this woman.
I am so very sorry to hear about your fear of brain damage from drugs. I am positive that is not what your problem is! You would not be able to write so articulately and speak with such logic like you are showing! I know plenty of people that self medicate as well and they are on so many drugs, legal and not, alcohol, everything and they are not brain damaged. I think what is so astonishing with all our issues, is how powerful the brain actually is. I think at least for me that I am now terrified of myself more than anything. I feel like my mind has betrayed me. Can you relate to that?
How long have you been on medication? I think it is best, but very hard, to take each day as it comes and not think about whether you will be on them for a decade. The thing with us is our feeling and thoughts change each day. My husband and I traveled across the US and let me tell you, although I had anxiety, it was the first in a long time that I was able to relax. I cannot believe how some days the anxiety can disappear and then the following it is back with a vengeance. I hope it will disappear one day forever, just as it came into my life so quickly. Amazing how it can come on so fast but take so long to go away.
You need to do what is best for you in the present, and if that is taking the medication so be it. I think we need to find some type of hobby, instead of the anxiety too. Even being on this site has made me more anxious, but I like to try help others that are suffering too. Life is very overwhelming even for those without anxiety!
The therapist said I did not have OCD, which I was surprised by. I think what you mentioned Pure O and the fact that the anxiety seems to be triggering it makes sense. I do not have to act out compulsions except for constant hand washing. I have a major problem with germs. I have always been that way and boiled it down to my dad being a doc and he always made sure I washed my hands as a kid. Him being a doctor has caused a lot of my health anxiety.
Do you mind me asking if you work and if you have supportive family and friends? I am very lucky that I have such a supportive husband and family, but I still feel so alone. I also worry that I will never be normal again and they will lose their patience with me. I think my biggest fear is being alone.
Thanks again for your kind words. I do know how you feel to a T and sorry you are feeling like this. I think this is very common and surprisingly I am one of the only people that I know, besides my husband and immediate family that is not medicated. My father, who is a GP, says that about almost all his patients are medicated in some way. It is a shame our society has become like this.
I wish you all the best and it has been great talking with you. Feel free to write anytime.
May I also add that you are still young, DaveyBoy. With that, comes much trepidation as to what the future holds for us. It is scary to think about what society wants us to do with our lives and what we want to do. We all have a purpose and it is scary to think about all the life changing events that are going to come our way. I know one day we look back at this and reflect at how at the present time we were very scared, but all things worked out they way they should. I have faith that you will find peace with yourself and once day will look back and feel very proud.
Thanks Mya :)
Your kind words mean a lot to me. Have you had another session with your therapist now?
You are right, we definitely need hobbies. Anxiety is my main hobby at the moment, and it is not healthy. I am not working at the moment, but I am considering getting back into work. I think I need to fill my days with more than I am at the moment.
I do actually have the hand washing OCD thing a bit, come to think of it. I think a lot of people do though, so I don't worry about that too much. We live in a paranoid world with stuff like that.
I definitely know what you mean about being scared of our own minds. Especially when I am panicky, I get very scared of the power of my brain. Our minds have the capability to produce great pleasure, but they can also be our ultimate hell. We have to learn how to train them, otherwise we are always at their mercy it seems.
Thanks so much again,
Davey Boy.
Thank you, Davey Boy, for thinking of me :)
I have sent you a private message and hope that you are beginning to feel a bit better. Not that it makes the situation any easier, but I hope you find comfort in that many of us are walking in the same shoes and that you are not alone in this. We are all here to support one another. xxoo
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