View Full Version : The real me
The Real me....
Selfish
In everything I do, in everything I see, all there is, is the pain in me,
Shared with my invisible companion in a future that will always be,
This selfish man that I am, with all the suffering in this land,
Contemplating in silence, in my own world of content pretence,
In my dark heavy gloom that surrounds with my relentless baying hounds,
Gnawing at the hurt in my heart, with their sharp teeth they tear it apart,
As the devilish demons swarm in to devour my empty soul,
Safe in the knowledge that I am trapped with nowhere to go,
Yet, do not feel sorrow, for my lonely existence was not in vain,
I cared and protected, though my life force trickled down the drain,
To leave a hollow shell with nothing to support it as the years went by,
Just to live for another, with no one to comfort my loneliness inside,
So now relief is at hand as the end of this cruel existence draws near,
But let no one shed a tear, for my self-inflicted wounds I cut were clear,
Dooming myself to live alone, caged in my tears,
Unable to break free from a life controlled by my own fear.
A CRY FOR HELP
Pure crystal white snow,
Falling, floating toward the blanketed frozen ground below,
Trudging, crunching footsteps each deeper than the last,
Through the snow so vast,
Mist hugging the hills, gloomy and grey,
Skeleton outlined trees, surrounding on my way,
Eerie silence, the gathering gloom,
Alone, so quiet, the ominous feeling of doom,
No one in sight, not even the songs of birds,
This world to myself, the mere thought absurd,
One false step, the ice beneath me breaks,
Splitting, splintering, a frightening sound it makes,
The water cold, so cold, it freezes to my core,
Gasping for air where none exists,
Lungs filling up feeling so full and raw,
Arms, legs flailing trying so hard to resist,
The last breath extinguished, suspended in animation,
No life left for any last sensation,
I awake from my nightmare, I breathe once again,
Eyes wide open filled with tears of rain,
Trapped in this house, no hope of being freed,
Where is the help, when I feel so in need.
Sorry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsSzZ9M5W5o (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsSzZ9M5W5o) :unsure:
I think I better delete this later tonight because I think it's just Too depressing and I don't want to depress others who have far worse problems on their plates. I'm sorry xxx
So why didn't you delete it at 19.04 Bill? What response did you want? It is depressing, but the person it is depressing is you.
Yesterday you enjoyed time with your mother, but you spoil it thinking she won't be with you much longer. You might go first - there are plenty of buses out there.
You have your dog, but you spoil the time you have left with him. Why not enjoy the time left. Groom him, fuss him, make his last days good.
You are able to go out wherever you like to do whatever you like. You enjoyed volunteering and you love helping people. Can you not find pleasure in that?
You write beautiful words. I would love to read a positive poem from you.
Hi Bill
Maddie is right, you are dwelling on what ifs and negatives.... you so need to come to terms that there are positives. I do understand that you are feeling down and alone but you must be the one to take the first step, and we are all willing you to do so :hugs:
xBettyBoopx
23-11-09, 00:52
Hi Bill:hugs::hugs:
I am so sorry you are feeling so depressed, I understand how you feel:hugs:
Maddie and Sharon you are being too harsh on Bill. When you are severely depressed, you cannot see anything but the bottom of the pit, so someone being harsh is just another thing to make you feel even worse. I KNOW because I am there myself. A depressed person would love nothing better than to think positively but it just isn't possible!
What I find strange on here is that you can get all the support and comfort from everyone you need if you're having a panic attack, but oh dear come on here when you're depressed and you get spoken to like you're an idiot!
Bill - why don't you join a forum for people with depression? Again I'm so sorry that you feel so bad, pm me if you want to chat.
Love
Els
xxx:bighug1::bighug1:
Elspeth, I have suffered from severe depression for many years. I know what the bottom of the pit feels like and I know that the only way out is by my own effort. People can throw down as many ropes as they like, but I have to reach out to take them.
I very much hope that Bill will not feel that I was being harsh or talking to him like an idiot. Bill knows how much I value our friendship, which is why we have agreed to always be straight with each other. Sympathy does not help. Empathy understands and reaches out to challenge and assist.
I'm sorry you don't think you find the help you need here on nmp. As it's name suggests, it is a site for panic sufferers and most of us have experience with that. We try our best to help anyone else in need too. I am sure there are people on the depression threads who could identify and talk with you.
Hi Elspeth
I just need to say that I too suffer from low self esteem, anxiety and depression, I have been as low as they come and it is people that gave me positives that made me get through it.
Bill has been so supportive of me and I would never do anything to upset him, but the fact that he is feeling down does not mean that we have to leave him there, there are so many of us willing him on.
I tried to take my life which is why I am determined to help those feeling so down. I am not being harsh I am asking Bill to see that there is a light... but we are all entitled to our opinions ... I'm sorry that you see it as a personal attack
You're ALL right:hugs: Yes, I need to help myself and Yes, it's difficult when the light's gone out.
Sometimes my mother will say things like "You've got to look after yourself, no one else will" and I think to myself "Yes, Mum" but at the same time think to myself why bother!? I've had 19 years of having to look after myself And others but very rarely been looked after by anyone. To me, that's not being depressing. It's just a Fact.
When I had my first panic attack and was taken to hospital, the nurse said to me "Why are you here when there's "nothing" wrong with you?" When I selfharmed, the doctor said to me "Why are you wasting our time when there are "genuinely ill" people to treat?" When I felt so ill that I was taking od's, they'd all say "Think of your wife, "she's ill", she needs you". When I've tried to get help for "me", that's another matter! Ask the mental health team? "Sorry, nothing more we can do for "you". Ask the doctor? "Sorry, I don't have all the answers, you've just got to help "yourself". Ask friends? "Oh we're really sorry you're having to go through so much. Sorry we can't help "you" more". It's Not their fault though. What can Any of them do to help me anyway when even I Know they can't help me!
I don't blame anyone for not being able to help me because I know none of them can. When I wrote the poem with the last line "Where is the help when I feel so in need?" even I knew it will never exist which is why I wondered if I should even bother posting it. As you say Maddie, what response did I want? I don't think there can be any so then I thought is there any point in posting it especially when it serves no purpose except depress others. I also wanted time to think if there was any purpose in leaving it. I still feel I Should delete the post but it's actually shown the 2 sides to depression so I guess it has been of help in a way I didn't expect.
I love this Maddie:D.....
Yesterday you enjoyed time with your mother, but you spoil it thinking she won't be with you much longer. You might go first - there are plenty of buses out there.
Don't encourage me!:winks::D I used to think of things like that or even going "half way" so I could be "genuinely ill" in hospital with something broken! Wouldn't mind some TLC from our wonderful nurses!:winks:
I ring my mother Every night to make sure she's ok. I pop in to see her 3 or 4 times a week to see if there's anything I can do for her and to provide her with some company. I take her shopping whenever she wants to and I go round immediately she needs help. She's great respite for me too. I enjoy every moment with her because I don't want any regrets. She's "my world" as I spend as much time as possible with her which is why I fear the future so much without her. I feel I'll have nothing.
You have your dog, but you spoil the time you have left with him. Why not enjoy the time left. Groom him, fuss him, make his last days good.
Yep, I groom him. He loves it! I smooth him Alot! He loves that too! So would I! He's been off his food so I've tried allsorts. He seems love rice krispies with a drop of milk added to some of his old food and new food he still wouldn't touch together with a meaty stick to add flavour. I feel like a dog chef! lol I've also been to the vets countless times with his poor legs so now I add tablets to his food. I even had a ramp constructed to help him get in and out of the car and he has 2 dog slippers and 4 blankets to lay on. They say he's lasted so long because I've managed to keep his weight down too. He even won a cup one year! I wish I could do much more for him so he could always be around because he's my "best friend". Always there to offer comfort when you're low and never moans when you need a moan.
Yes, I spoil it by thinking about the future but I enjoy both of them as much as I can in the present. I keep all these feelings and worries to "me". I don't share them with my mother or anyone else even when my mother keeps saying when she's no longer around. I write these feelings Here because I have No One to comfort me sweet Maddie.
You are able to go out wherever you like to do whatever you like. You enjoyed volunteering and you love helping people. Can you not find pleasure in that?
Yes I do but volunteering and helping others means "giving". Yes, I Love to give and I do get Alot of pleasure in from it which is why I came here. I Try Hard Not to share how "I" feel because I know that I can only help myself. Except one thing sweet Maddie, can I find any comfort in giving myself a hug? Can I find any pleasure in sharing a bed with "myself"? Can I find true happiness in just being with "me"? No. I can't Maddie and I never will! I don't live for "me". I live to "give" and in return I then feel worth something but if I can't give "love", I don't get any love in return so then I feel completely empty and life then feels totally meaningless. But then, I'm in my situation that has created a trap for myself. Yes, I need to help myself but no, I can't in that way because I'd break so all I can do is moan so I try to keep my moans to myself because No One can actually help me.
I think some people can enjoy their own company but I just can't because to live feeling alone and not being able to love, care and give happiness just makes living feel pointless. All I can settle for though is to give care and happiness.
To explain a little more about me....my mother says in my pram I'd scream if she wasn't in sight. As a toddler I'd follow her everywhere including sitting outside the loo! As a teen I'd try to cuddle her but she'd always push me away because it made her feel "uncomfortable" and would say "wait until I found my own girlfriend". She's always loved me. She was just afraid of being too affectionate for whatever reason. I never did have a proper girlfriend though until I met my wife but she has never been loving or affectionate either because she's never needed it. She just needs someone to be around to look after her. After we married I soon realised to try and give love was pointless because there was just no response, romance or emotion.
You see Maddie...I love to give but I've very rarely received Anything and sometimes it just gets me really down because now I feel I've put myself in a cage and thrown the key to happiness away because to attempt to step out would mean to crumble into dust because I could never live with myself. Either way I'll never find happiness because I don't feel there is any hope so I shouldn't really be placing a thread like this.
Maddie is right, you are dwelling on what ifs and negatives.... you so need to come to terms that there are positives. I do understand that you are feeling down and alone but you must be the one to take the first step, and we are all willing you to do so :hugs:
I know there are positives because of all the things I have but I feel like they're all icing on a hollow cake. Scratch away the positive surface and you'll find a whole void of negatives trapped within that I try not to reveal because I know the cake can never be filled. When I lost my father 4 years ago, my heart literally broke. I could feel it the pain in it and this overwhelming feeling of being very alone. I knew that when I got home, they'd be no comfort waiting and I was right so I went out again for a walk to cry with the dog. Where was the first step I could take to find a hug when I needed it most? The only hug I received in that time was from an oap friend who had not long previously lost her husband. I'll always be indebted to her because that hug to me at that time was so special it was priceless. It wouldn't have been if I received lots though. It was because it was the Only One I had then and since.
So like I say, how do I take the first step when I don't know which way to move forward? I guess I could go to the supermarket and find a hug on the shelf or ask the doctor to provide them on the NHS but sometimes when someone in my situation with my feelings is offered a hug, it's like taking a cork off a bottle and you just don't want to stop and would keep asking for more and more to make up for all the years survived without. In my situation, to receive things like that is impossible and so is taking the "other first step" because I'd break so like I say, my comfort is in the icing that covers my emptiness.
so someone being harsh is just another thing to make you feel even worse.
I don't take it as being harsh dear Els. It's probably the sort of advice my mother would be saying Because she Cares and I'd Know what she's saying is right and she just wants me to feel better. As you say though, sometimes when we feel That low, we do lose hope especially when we feel there is no way out. That's my weakness. A stronger person would have taken that first step years ago rather than selfh and od'd like me but I saw no other way out just as I do now except I now have my mother to think of.
I know that Maddie and Sharon have been through some Terrible ordeals which have caused them to feel Far more depressed than me so I know they understand just as you do Els. It's just that they I think are finding their way out but you and me are still where they used to be.
The important thing to me though is I Know just how much you ALL genuinely care and that you ALL just want me to be happy.:hugs:
I just can't see any ray of light as yet though.
Mmmm Sweet Maddie:hugs:...a postiive poem a!.....ok....how about this....
The angel of love
Sitting on a hill gazing at the setting sun in the west,
The stillness, the warmth surrounding as I meditate and rest,
From the warm suns centre, a luminous image takes shape and appears,
Glowing in full glory, she absorbs all tears,
Reflecting in my eyes, clearer and brighter,
Lifting the melting dark clouds, everywhere lighter,
This angel of beauty with her pure white palms seeking out,
The last few raindrops for those suffering from drought,
Watching her smile bringing a warmth to my heart,
Feeling the hurt, for I know we must soon part,
A glint in her eyes sensing how I feel,
She blows a kiss of fluttering butterflies forming a seal,
Trapping her goodness in the land all around,
Filling me with her love without whispering a sound,
As the sun begins to set, her fluorescent image retreats,
Leaving hope that once more we might meet,
In this same place where I silently sit,
Where she brought her loving warmth and my heart was lit.
How??? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISVfDiWiTxw&feature=related :hugs:
Dear Bill, I certainly wasn't trying to encourage you to jump under a bus! :ohmy: Just using the old saying "you could be run over by a bus tomorrow".
The words to the song How?? Those are all the questions I asked my Advocate. The health services have ceased providing for me and I don't know how or what steps to take to move forward. He was really good and is writing on my behalf to agencies and my doctors. I do wish you'd give them a try. It's like having a friend on your side for once - and a powerful one at that.
http://www.actionforadvocacy.org.uk/articleServlet?action=list&articletype=19
I too dream of the right person to hug and love but feel it's too late; and I understand that one hug can be worse than none. There is so much in your post to answer. I need time to think through my next response. I'll write tomorrow when I return from my daughter's.
Hope these help a bit :
:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Sweet Maddie:hugs:
It's Never too late for love and hugs especially for someone as lovely and as caring as you! Age is but a mere number but a caring nature lasts a lifetime. Those who care are like precious gems that should always be treasured. They sparkle in the darkness and shine like glittering jewels. They can never be overlooked or forgotten because their glow is just too bright as they always leave an everlasting impression in peoples thoughts with the fondest of memories. Something or someone so special can Always be loved because they are so very rare with worth beyond measure. A loving caring person is Priceless. Their adorability lasts forever!:hugs:
One hug is only worse than none if none follow. A hug a day, a week or a month leaves hope until the next arrives. One hug alone with none to look forward to can leave you feeling even more alone but an adorable person should be hugged forever for the caring person they are.:hugs:
The hugs you've sent me are really hugs "you" deserve simply for being you!:hugs:...........and the same applies to Sharon and Els who never stop caring either!:hugs:
The bus comment was "tongue in cheek". It made me smile!:) Although every day I must admit I wish I could just give up and let someone else take over my pressures and worries...but that's life. Others have much bigger boulders to carry on their backs than me.
I may well contact the advocacy soon. I'll explain why...
A while ago we had a meeting with my wifes psychiatrist. I handed him a note detailing how her illness is affecting her. His behaviour towards it was very dismissive. He simply said he didn't need to read it because the cpn had already told him everything....and yet she doesn't live with my wife?:lac:He told my wife to take a new med but when I researched it, I found there was a "very slim risk" of it being fatal which was later backed up on the News recently when they said how many dementia patients had died as a result of strong ant-psychotics. I know the illness and their ages aren't the same but I loved the way the leaflet said to contact the doctor if you experience any bad effects....could be too late from what I've heard! So I told the psychiatrist I wasn't happy so we abandoned the idea. In any case, even the cpn agreed with me that new meds just wasn't the way forward to treat her behaviour.
Later things at home became worse and I blew up so I rang the cpn who said to increase her other meds back up which was ok by me and they'd arrange for the psychiatrists review to be brought forward.
Today the cpn made her regular monthly visit and as usual I was in bed catching up on the lost sleep from the night before. She never asks where I am or if I'm ok but I've got used to that. However, when I eventually woke up, my wife told me that the psychiatrist had also come with the cpn. We hadn't been informed he was coming and nor was I called or invited to join them today.:lac:
My wife then added that the psychiatrist had asked her if it was my decision for her not to take the new med. From what I've heard it's not effective for illness anyway! She told him that I had advised her not to and that she had agreed. He told her she can make the decision for herself and doesn't have to listen to me!:lac:
They then asked her to make some notes and they'd see her gain in January.
I'm seeing the carer support worker and cpn next week...hopefully!
See, I'm used to feeling alone and being ignored!
All I can say is....I know my place!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0DUsGSMwZY :D:lac:
I know that sketch well, Bill. :D
Under the Mental Health Capacity Act, which I have run into rather a lot lately thanks to my Aunt's illness, so long as your wife is considered by her Psych, cpn or doc to be capable of making a decision, then they *have* to listen to her. You might not agree with what is decided, but you can't go against her wishes.
Seems very unfair, I know. My Aunt gives all the *right* answers when she's asked, as I'm sure my mum will too when we finally get her assessed. Both of them are seen by professionals for a few minutes. The people who live with them and see the whole picture are disregarded.
All you can do is seek help for yourself - as an individual and as her carer. An Advocate or a Carer's Social Worker should be able to support you, which would have the effect of helping your wife too as they would insist on a package being put in place that will benefit you both. I hope that you receive help at the meeting next week.
Thank you for the lovely words in the rest of your post. I dream of being young and finding love again, but in reality I shut down long ago. It hurts me less not to feel than to long and hope for something I know is not going to happen.
Vanilla Sky
24-11-09, 23:22
:hugs:I hear you Bill , I actually get what you are saying , I feel for you, have some hugs on me :hugs::hugs: Love Paige xxxx
*have* to listen to her. You might not agree with what is decided, but you can't go against her wishes.
Maddie:hugs: I'm more than happy for them to listen but I object to not being informed of his visit And not being invited to the consultation in our own house. They deliberately took me out of the equation when as a full time carer I should have been made aware of his visit so I could have chosen whether or not to be present. How they treat her affects me and my life. They could have manipulated her into something I couldn't agree with. Maddie, she cannot make informative decisions for herself because of her irrational thinking. She can be so easily misled or not understand the consequences of what's being said. If you knew her, you'd understand why they made me so angry because they would instruct her to do what "they" think is right and she would Believe them without questioning because she wouldn't be aware of the rational questions that should be raised.
To try and give you an example, she'll go to bed at 6.30AM and then say next day she feels So tired, it must be because of the tablets! Everything is the tablets fault because she can't think rationally. I can't sit by and let others control her, even if they Should know what's best. I'd never go against her wishes but only if I felt her decision was based on rational thinking.
I told her yesterday that she smells so I asked her how long she'd worn her cardigan. She said it was due to be changed in a weeks time so I then said, you must know then when you started wearing it. She replied every day for the past 5 weeks. I told her to change it Now and she did. See what I mean about rational thinking? Should I have allowed her to keep wearing it another week when the helpers drew it to my attention?
I'm not in a normal relationship and I find it very difficult at times because often she won't listen and at other times I question myself as to whether I'm too controlling. She asks constant questions though about the simplest of things that you or I wouldn't think twice about so when a psychiatrist is advising her, I feel I should be there for Her sake because I'll only be asked loads of questions later and because I wasn't there, I won't know what he was saying!
Difficult, isn't it. :bighug1:
Thank you dear Paige:hugs: - One of the many angels on this site.:bighug1:
Bill I know what you are saying. I know what you are living. I understand the frustration and the anger. The law doesn't make sense in some circumstances, like yours, my Aunt's and soon my mother's.
My Aunt is in a residential home. She's there "voluntarily" She had to go for her own safety and the only reason we managed to get her into a nursing home rather than an EMI (Elderley Mentally Infirm) was because she collapsed on her drive after wandering at 5am in dark and was found by a neighbour. She went into hospital and carers were arranged for her return home, but she refused to let them in, so the doctor wrote a report saying she was not fit to live independently. He didn't state why and at that stage it could have been because of her physical health, although it was all caused by her deteriorating mental health due to Alzheimers. Now she is in the home, she is refusing to change her clothes - she even sleeps in them. She is refusing to bathe and was hiding her tablets. I have spoken to the home, the doctor and a Social Worker. No-one is allowed to attempt to get her clothes off her. No-one can stand over her and ask her to open her mouth to check the tablets have gone down, because it infringes her Human Rights. She is considered to be capable of making rational decisions as she can decide what choice of dinner she wants and if she'd like to play bingo in the lounge or stay in her room. It is totally farcical. And yet I fought for 2 years to keep her in her own home because I knew what a private lady she is and how fiercely independent she had been all her life.
I do think that it was wrong and underhand that your wife was seen in your own home without you being told that anyone was there. Again, I can only reiterate that you should seek support for yourself to protect your rights too.
I am so sorry, my friend, that I have no magic wand to wave. :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
I can understand what you're saying sweet Maddie. I feel sometimes beurocracy and rights make life much more difficult than it should be because the right care should be the priority.:hugs:
You wave enough fairy dust to keep me at least smiling sweet Maddie.:):bighug1:
Have you had the cpn and carer's meeting yet Bill?
I hope it doesn't leave you feeling like you are :wall: That makes such a mess of the wall!
I'll send a box of plasters if you need them. :bighug1: :bighug1:
Next week Sweet Maddie unless they postpone it again. I know what I'm going to say and ask for!....and if they don't listen I know you'll sort them out for me because they daren't argue with you!:scared15::):bighug1:
Bill & Maddie,
You both deserve so much more than you're dealt in life.
Although only having met you both through a brief acquaintance on another thread - and as insignificant & unhelpful as this may seem - I wish you both my VERY best wishes.
:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Magz
xx
:flowers::flowers::flowers::flowers:
There are a couple of sayings in the film "It's a Wonderful Life". One says something like, "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings". Well, I think I just heard another bell ring because yet another Caring angel has appeared on this site Magz.:bighug1:
Oh....the other saying goes something like......"Remember NO man is a failure who has friends". I know there has been some debate about posts being ignored accidently but I am 100% Certain that there will ALWAYS be someone on here who will understand and be prepared to be A friend. I know I have just found another in you Magz and you will always have my friendship in return but then, who wouldn't want an angel as a friend?:winks::bighug1:
You can check if I've got the sayings right here but I'm sure you must know already Magz:noangel:.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k_Vsmqf6X8&feature=related :bighug1:
Bill,
Noone could wish for a more flattering compliment:blush:......this film is a CLASSIC and is one of my absolute all time favourites!!
I was SO excited the day I bought this film and it remains in my most watched DVD's lists and always brings a tear to my eye no matter how many times I watch it.....:weep:
However....I think you & Maddie should include yourselves in this most wonderful 'category'......you both inspire the best in people & should recognise, be proud and aware of the 'inner angels' you naturally possess and share!
I love watching this film at ANY time of year but now it will mean something even more special in the closing scenes!
:bighug1::bighug1:
To anyone who's never seen 'Its A Wonderful Life'.......watch it!! It's a Golden Oldie treasure!!
Thank you Bill - you've made my night!
:yesyes::yesyes::yesyes::yesyes:
xx
See!:winks:.....I knew you must know all about the film already! Only an angel at heart would!:winks:
Glad I made your night. Always remember what I said....and smile for Being YOU!:)
It's a very special film to me too. It's the only film that made my father cry but then we all did really, and I still do every time I see it! I just wish they'd show it Every Year on TV at Christmas instead of some of the vile programmes where people are always being So nasty to each other! I think they call it "drama" these days!:wacko: I can't understand why they won't show films like It's a Wonderful Life that shows how people Should treat each other!!! Really annoys me!!!:mad:
I also hold it very close to me because of the times I was standing on that bridge in my mind when I felt I had no angel to help me. All I can say is I'm glad I'm still here because otherwise I'd never have realised that real-life angels such as you, Maddie and many others on here really do exist!
To be honest, the future really frightens me because of my mothers and dogs conditions but I try not to think about it and enjoy what I still have. However, knowing there are angels out there helps me to feel not so alone because now I've found out where they exist....even if often they don't realise themselves! I try to help angels (including blokes!) smile because it makes me feel so sad to see them beat themselves up when they can't see what they Really are because others have often mistreated them! There is NO more caring person than an anxiety sufferer....as You and Maddie Prove!:bighug1:
....A tribute to the caring angels of Nmp....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0DMz-hjq_s&feature=related :bighug1:
.............of which you are one yourself......
Please don't ever underestimate your worth or the positive effect you have on others!
:bighug1:
xx
I agree with you Magz. It's time to recognise your own worth Bill. :hugs:
YOU wrote this on another post:
"And if that fails, I'll keep reminding you how VALUABLE you are because there are those you do not see or hear who Do Genuinely Value you because they Care!......and you'll find alot of them here!"
At the time I'm writing, this post "The real me" by YOU has been viewed 283 times - far more than most. That's because so many people on nmp value you, are interested in you and care about you.
Please don't forget to apply your own advice to YOU :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
Back to this post: I love Enya's music. I have her CD's.
Magz thank you for your lovely comments. :blush: There are many truly caring people on nmp. It's nic who really deserves the title of "angel" for starting it and keeping going through her own difficult times. pm me anytime if you'd like to. :)
That's because so many people on nmp value you, are interested in you and care about you.
......Or they just think me So Odd and they enjoy a good laugh!:winks: People have often said they don't understand me but I've no doubts about how much most people Care, especially on here!
keep reminding you how VALUABLE you are
Yes, I DO regard people on here Valuable because often they can't see it in themselves. "They" are the ones who are Valuable because they are the ones who are suffering and that makes them Important to me. I just enjoy trying to help them get better because to me they're Worth it!:hugs:
There are ALOT of angels who visit here like you and Magz but Nic is our "Guardian Angel" because she watches over ALL of us with her very caring soul!:bighug1:
Desprate Dan
30-11-09, 07:59
Bill,
Oh Bill my friend i only wish you could see the good in yourself that so many see in you, i have read your posts with intrest and i can feel your pain, you help so many yet it seems you struggle to help yourself because you are to busy helping others which is a great gift you posses, but you must take time out for your own wellbeing..
I see the topic title is "THE REAL ME" the real "YOU" is a caring honest man who has spent his life caring and helping others offering reasurance to others in the darkest moments, its time now to take some of this love you give to others and give it back to yourself Bill you need to think about "YOU" and what you want from this life and make that change, i know the same applies to me, i need to go and find what will make me happy "We only have this one shot at life as far as i know so lets not waste it"..
Many people walk away from a life they do not want to be in everyday and put themselves first and start a new life that makes them happy i am not suggesting thats what you should do far from it, but you have to ask the questions are you living life to make others happy or make yourself happy, i believe you are living to make others happy i do it myself so i cannot really judge, as the topic title said the real me, the thing with me is i dont know the real me i dont know what i want from life i just feel so lost, but when i find what i want i am going to go for it and make myself happy, Bill you owe it to yourself to do the same.
Dan
Bill,
Oh Bill my friend i only wish you could see the good in yourself that so many see in you, i have read your posts with intrest and i can feel your pain, you help so many yet it seems you struggle to help yourself because you are to busy helping others which is a great gift you posses, but you must take time out for your own wellbeing..
I see the topic title is "THE REAL ME" the real "YOU" is a caring honest man who has spent his life caring and helping others offering reasurance to others in the darkest moments, its time now to take some of this love you give to others and give it back to yourself Bill you need to think about "YOU" and what you want from this life and make that change, i know the same applies to me, i need to go and find what will make me happy "We only have this one shot at life as far as i know so lets not waste it"..
Dan
Dan you are so right. :yesyes:
You give out many wise words and :bighug1: on nmp Bill. How about saving some for yourself?
When I said "That's because so many people on nmp value you, are interested in you and care about you."
You replied "......Or they just think me So Odd and they enjoy a good laugh! People have often said they don't understand me..." I don't know why people don't understand you. The care and thought you put into each response shines through. You write clearly, concisely, with true feeling. I don't think anyone on nmp would be cruel enough to laugh at another member's pain.
You give so much to others. It's time you nurtured yourself :bighug1: :bighug1:
Only if you want to, of course.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PAwN5IbroM&feature=related
.
I just think someone up there really hates me as much as I do. They want to see how much pressure they can put on me before I break so they created a situation for me where they knew I'd be trapped with no way out because they knew they'd enjoy watching me suffer alone! I don't think anyone can really help ease my load anyway and nor do I deserve anything! I only ever hurt and upset those I care about! Maybe that's why I've been made to live feeling alone so I can be punished because of a previous life or maybe I'm just being tested to see how far I can be driven around the bend!:shrug:
nervy-paul
03-12-09, 17:01
I thought I would join in on this thread, which I have found make me smile (at all the wonderful thoughtful and caring people here) and sad (at those same people having such a rotten time with all the crap thrown our way.)
I have found that when someone is suffering with anxiety and depression (which I have and do) , you can be surrounded by kind-hearted and loving caring people, who complement and praise you on any number of things, and if your in the depths of depression, it all bounces off as though you have a shield of sorts around you. The negative and depressing thoughts and info get in your head, and their a swine to shift out again. I'm just waffling now, so I'll go, but thank you for this thread - and all the very best to everyone reading this, may your troubles be washed away. :flowers:
it all bounces off as though you have a shield of sorts around you.
I think I know what you're saying- the shield of non-belief that words alone can never penetrate because you just can't see what others say about you. All you can see is what "you" see in yourself.
which I have found make me smile (at all the wonderful thoughtful and caring people here)
I'm glad the thread has shown how Lovely other people are on here because all too often in this world we never hear or see the silent good who are often the ones made to suffer by the bad!
Personally, I only wish I was more like many others here so I could be more like them and then maybe I would feel stronger and be able to do so much more in return.:shrug:
You can say what you like about yourself dear Bill .But you are not the person you perceive to be ..You are the most caring unselfish person I have ever had the pleasure to meet ..even if it is online .You cannot expect not to feel angry about things considering what you have endured all this time .Heaven knows how you have done it ..I couldnt have .You need Sleep to function and you are seriously lacking in that ..We all get irritable when we are worn out ,you must be exhausted ..At your meeting tommorow I hope you get through to them how you are feeling ..this really has gone on for too long now ..Be kind to yourself !you are a wonderful person and I wont listen to any thing bed you say about yourself ,,You just need to take ACTION and make them help you with your situation ...Even if it means walking away for a few days ,just to show them you mean what you say ..You are entitled to feel well too ,and this is just making you seriously depressed ..Good lUCK ,YOU NEED IT ..HUGS Sue xx:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: :hugs::hugs:xxxx
Paul ..I love your signature xx
:blush:I'd disagree with you but I know you'll tell me off!:blush:
The meeting was today. They suggested a sufferers group I could try and set me a task to go further afield to attend another anxiety group organised by MIND which is what I'd like to do if only I wasn't so tired. I'll see what I can do.:bighug1:
I wont listen to any thing bed you say about yourself
Did you say "bed"?!?:blush::ohmy: :scared15:Ok, I'm willing!:blush::winks::D It'd feel like a heineken reaching parts other words can't reach!:D
Personally, I only wish I was more like many others here so I could be more like them and then maybe I would feel stronger and be able to do so much more in return.:shrug:
Bill,
You DO do so much for people here but, as has been said before, you just don't realise it.
Take today for example........I'd had a particularly bad day (fighting back tears on and off through the afternoon for work related reasons that I won't bore you with...............for now :whistles:) and I came home, logged into nmp and there was a pm reply that just blew the worries of today out of the water.
I went from feeling an inferior wreck to feeling worthy in the blink of an eye and it was all down to a few kind words from yourself!
I could only aspire to give the support/advice that you and others give on here. If only it was that easy to make you believe in yourself.
I remember saying a little while ago along the lines that you were a gentleman in the true sense of the word and I want to reiterate that now. :yesyes::yahoo::yesyes:
We should all maybe start to recognise our so-say 'failings' as a gift rather than an albatross because we all genuinely care without even having to try.
Best Wishes & :bighug1::bighug1:
Magz
:flowers::flowers:
I wont listen to any thing bed you say about yourself
Did you say "bed"?!?:blush::ohmy: :scared15:Ok, I'm willing!:blush::winks::D It'd feel like a heineken reaching parts other words can't reach!:D[/QUOTE]
:roflmao:OOh dear lol :blush::doh:,never saw that ,but it brought a smile ..Sorry I got the date wrong ,I must be going senile .or :wacko:..What they suggested might help ,but to be honest its not anywhere good enough ..Feel like swearing :blush:,but I wont ive made enough boobs already ...Perhaps I could do with a Heineken too .? I honestly feel for you Bill .Try to think of the good things you do ,and all the people you have helped ..We cant all be wrong can we ? Hugs Sue :hugs::hugs::hugs:xxxxx:bighug1:
Boy, I think I ought to get you to reply to more of my posts!:winks: First you're talking about "bed" and now you're saying ive made enough boobs:blush::D Have you? What size is enough?:blush: You make me feel hot!:blush::D
Oh dear, you know how to bring my dark side out! I wish I was more like a woman because then I think frustration wouldn't be such a problem for me and I could then forget about things I don't have including love and affection which I feel are more important anyway! After all, when we're in tears, a hug can work wonders compared to an ad! Oh well. Still, you're keeping me smiling!:) What will be your third word I wonder!:blush::blush::blush: Well, I know what word I'd like to say to these professionals sometimes...but moi? Never!:blush: I wouldn't dare!:noangel:
We cant all be wrong can we ?
Maybe!:unsure: I probably know myself best. I think people can love the words a person says but can a person be loved by people for the person they are? I can't love me so why should they, especially when I've not been given or shown love in the ways it should be.:shrug:
Having said that, I think I'm gradually putting my lid back on my feelings now so hopefully I can put them to one side again for a while so I can get back to "normal" on here.:hugs:
Magz:hugs:,
I'd had a particularly bad day (fighting back tears on and off through the afternoon for work related reasons that I won't bore you with...............for now :whistles:)
Talk to me either on here or in a pm Whenever you Want or Need to. You Know I'll Always do my best to help you smile! To Hopefully help those in need of some comfort or reassurance makes me feel worth something and then I feel happier too!:):bighug1:
I wont listen to any thing bed you say about yourself
Did you say "bed"?!?:blush::ohmy: :scared15:Ok, I'm willing!:blush::winks::D It'd feel like a heineken reaching parts other words can't reach!:D
:roflmao:OOh dear lol :blush::doh:,never saw that ,but it brought a smile ..Sorry I got the date wrong ,I must be going senile .or :wacko:..What they suggested might help ,but to be honest its not anywhere good enough ..Feel like swearing :blush:,but I wont ive made enough boobs already ...Perhaps I could do with a Heineken too .?
This made me chuckle... :roflmao:(as did your reply Bill)...what a quality post and what a sense of humour!!
Laughing aside though, Sue's right, you ought to concentrate on the good you do and the people you've helped/are helping and again she hits the nail on the head by stating that we can't all be wrong.
If, when we're feeling down ourselves, we can make just one person smile or feel good about themselves/feel supported then it's a good thing....so think back on the amount of people who have benefitted from your posts since you joined nmp Bill, you're appreciated more than your 'demons' would have you believe.
Don't listen to them.......listen to US....the ones who have had their spirits lifted and their fears/worries listened to and understood....by YOU!
If there was an emoticon/smilie who was lifting a little top hat, I'd wear it out using it for the people on this site! :yesyes:
Keep Smiling! :bighug1:
Magz
:flowers:
[QUOTE=Eclipse;585022]This made me chuckle... :roflmao:(as did your reply Bill)...what a quality post and what a sense of humour!!
Laughing aside though, Sue's right, you ought to concentrate on the good you do and the people you've helped/are helping and again she hits the nail on the head by stating that we can't all be wrong.
If, when we're feeling down ourselves, we can make just one person smile or feel good about themselves/feel supported then it's a good thing....so think back on the amount of people who have benefitted from your posts since you joined nmp Bill, you're appreciated more than your 'demons' would have you believe.
Don't listen to them.......listen to US....the ones who have had their spirits lifted and their fears/worries listened to and understood....by YOU!
See Bill im not wrong and nor are the people on here ...Your mind is just foggy and you cant see for all the steam ..Perhaps if you dont put the lid on so tightly and gradually let a little out now and again .The next time you feel like its blowing it wont be so fierce ....Of course people love people for who they are ..but you can tell by their words whats in their heart and your heart is good ..Glad i managed to bring a smile to your face ,and you to me ..Keep your peck..up ..sorry CHIN UP :blush:..Luv SUE XXX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Hear Hear & 3 BIG cheers for Sue!!
:yahoo::yesyes::yahoo::yesyes:
If, when we're feeling down ourselves, we can make just one person smile or feel good about themselves/feel supported then it's a good thing
I agree Princess Magz:hugs: and that's what I Love doing because yes, I do care about people who need a lift, and yes, you Do help me to smile!:) The difference is though that You and many others here are the precious gems who Should always shine because you and others here hold so much beauty within that Should be allowed to flow!!!:)
Sweet Sue:hugs:
Keep your peck..up ..sorry CHIN UP :blush:..Luv SUE XXX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Bed, boobs and now peck!:blush: Knew you'd think of a third word!:D The first I can have when I'm allowed to sleep, the second are out of reach and untouchable, and the third doesn't do me any good!...whichever!....because they always come back down out of disappointment and neglect!:weep::blush: Oh to be a woman!:winks:
I'm sorry but the lovely words you say I can only see in You and others on here...(and I'm NOT referring to that 3rd word!:blush:)
YOU'RE the Precious Gems! You can be helped to Always Shine for the Beauty you hold both in looks and within, not me though because if I was anything like you, I could love me too. I'll always be trapped and unloved, including by me.:bighug1:
Desprate Dan
05-12-09, 07:35
Bill just like the others have said, you are the most careing and helpful person i have had the pleasure to know even if it is online, your good heart shines through in your words of kindness and reasurance to others, I wish you could love yourself like others love you Bill, but i can relate to your feeling as i have the T shirt, i have sat and cried many times because i wish to be someone else and not the lonely sad broken man that i am.
But since i joined NMP although it has not fixed my problems it has made my life more bareable and that is down to you and all the other wonderful people who have helped me and gave me advice..
Words can only heal so much we need love and affection too, you feel trapped and need to feel love but because of your situation that is not possible, were as for me i am free, but also trapped because i am frightened to reach out for love the thing i crave most, but the problem is i am not worthy of it, i felt it once and then lost it i was hurt so bad i wont let love in anymore, because i could never take the hurt and pain and couldnt live up to the expectations required of me..
http://www.youtube.com/v/wZ6tcoJj-l8
LOVE to you all....:flowers:
DAN
One of my favourite songs Dan! Thank you!:winks:
To live without love leads to a lonely existence full of emptiness, hurt and pain. The song you posted that I love so much fills me with sadness but if I were to shun anything connected to love, life would be left with no purpose.
There are different forms of love. The romantic passionate love I've never had and the love that we can all give in the form of caring for others wellbeing. I feel that if my fate is to never be "loved", at least I can offer the latter form in the hope that it will help others to know someone genuinely cares so they Are loved simply for being the caring people they are.
Love and hurt go hand in hand. I love my mother, I love my dog and I loved my father but no one and nothing can last forever but we can treasure the happy memories of what we once had.
If we fear love, we will never allow others to love us but we also then deny others the opportunity to feel love in return. You're like a Christmas present- people Love what they see but you will not allow them to unwrap you because you're so afraid they'll not love the present within and therefore discard you as an unwanted gift. If you never allow anyone to see the "real" you, you will sit under the Christmas tree Forever while others open other Christmas presents in the hope of finding "you" but always being disappointed when what they find is a pale replica of you -the special gift that can never be replaced. To me, that's very sad because fear makes you want to remain safe within your box within your bows and Christmas paper that to others appear irresistible!
However, one day I feel sure that some young woman will come along who will refuse to say no and be determined to find the real you, and once they prove to you that they're sincere and will never leave you, you will then step out of your shell and find that happiness you crave and so much deserve. Rather like a horse being afraid to come out of its safe stable, you just need gentle coaxing, and the more you meet people, the more likely some young woman will be attracted to you and have that patience to coax you out! Dan a special gift will never go unnoticed whether you like it or not, and often when something is just So Valuable, the woman will refuse to let it slip through their fingers no matter how much it is afraid of their love and attention! I Know this will happen!
Fear of hurt is still just another fear but once we find proof that we need not be afraid, we Can find happiness through a little love, patience and understanding!
Don't try to avoid life but try to accept it for what it is and keep going no matter how many times we fall because the ultimate goal is Always worth any suffering we have to endure. It's just a part of life Dan.
LISTEN to his words and BELIEVE.....LISTEN to her to see how bad experiences can make us.....and later in the film how he restores her faith in human nature!....and NEVER give up!:winks:
"Woman is the soul of man, the radiance that lights his way"....(Don't live in constant darkness because of fear!):winks:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sINHizL1Q-I&feature=related
Desprate Dan
06-12-09, 05:05
[QUOTE=Bill;585408]One of my favourite songs Dan! Thank you!:winks:
I am glad you liked the song Bill, its such a simple song but is a special song.
If we fear love, we will never allow others to love us but we also then deny others the opportunity to feel love in return. You're like a Christmas present- people Love what they see but you will not allow them to unwrap you because you're so afraid they'll not love the present within and therefore discard you as an unwanted gift. If you never allow anyone to see the "real" you, you will sit under the Christmas tree Forever while others open other Christmas presents in the hope of finding "you" but always being disappointed when what they find is a pale replica of you -the special gift that can never be replaced. To me, that's very sad because fear makes you want to remain safe within your box within your bows and Christmas paper that to others appear irresistible!
I couldnt have put it better myself if i tried, you have such a special gift Bill, I wont let people in because they might not like the present inside.
Sad but so true..:weep:
Dan
Reminds me of the year my Gran died just before Christmas. Every year we all had big Christmas trees at our houses, but for the family coming together, brothers, sisters, cousins, grandchildren, Gran had a "treasures tree" on her sideboard. It was hung with little gifts of no great value but especially chosen for each recipient. She'd already bought and wrapped most. She'd bought food. Grandpa didn't feel like going to any of our houses, so we agreed to go to him on Boxing Day. I arrived early after mucking out my horses. The "treasure tree" was in its box on the floor. I put it up and hung the presents. Some had bows missing, one wasn't wrapped at all so I popped it in the cupboard.
It was a bittersweet day with all the things Gran had prepared around us. As everyone left, I stayed with Grandpa to clear up. He asked if I liked my present from the tree. I'd been upset and busy, so hadn't taken one. There were none left. Grandpa was insistent that Gran had found something special for me. Then I remembered the little bag in the cupboard. Inside the plain paper bag was the most exquisite little brooch - a horse's head surrounded by a horseshoe of tiny diamonds.
I still treasure that brooch. It's not the wrapping that matters. It's the heart inside.
Desprate Dan
06-12-09, 18:19
Awww thats so sad Maddie, but i am glad you treasured that brooch your Gran would be so proud of you.. You are right the heart inside is the thing which really matters yet people are more attracted to the wrapping..
Dan
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