had enough

[everglades]

just that
had ennough

[Maj]

Please tell us how you are feeling and why. Maybe someone here can help you through it. You are not on your own :hugs:
Myra x

[munkeyinblack]

have a rant , even a nonsensical one- or pm me if you need a private vent, dont feel your alone,

Munkey x

[ladybird64]

just that
had ennough

Feeling exactly the same so I can't be of much use but I'm sure that you can get some support here from others on the forum.

Can give you a hug though. :hugs:

[u0000998]

Hi there

You are not alone with feeling that way. Had enough just about sums up how we feel when these feelings get too much. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this will not last forever : even though it is hard to believe.

Joanne

[Bill]

Me too!:mad: Can I join you so we can console each other?:shrug::hugs:

[everglades]

you are dear people

[Bill]

No, we are not "dear" people because You are "most valuable"! Few words often say far more than many.:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:

[everglades]

valuable
lol
i
my dear
am a waste of space
my world of negativity would turn you all against me

[steve2009]

Hi everglades
Nobody is a waste of space and nobody would turn against you here.
We have all felt as you do now. It is the depression talking.

We will listen and help :hugs:

[munkeyinblack]

Please dont feel like that. I know how hard it is to believe this but we all feel exactly the same way and we want to help you! I was talking to someone else on here and said that it feels sometimes like being taken over by yourself and thats why it seems like theres no hope. You were someone before this, an amazing someone i'll bet and you will be again but letting it all out and letting people help you is a way of speeding up the process!

We're all behind you 100% so please let us help you

Munkey x

[everglades]

i dont know what to say or where to start or stop

i have been depressed on and off since my teens,but no one sort of dealt with it in those days

been on/off AD's since '95
always anxious character but the anxiety has got worse over past 4 years, esp last 2

its ok most of the time - but my life is 'small'
i stay at home, walk the dog, pop to shops
if i go anywhere else it is in car with hub, as i dont drive (well i can, but i was too scared)
story of my life - give up
and now
well i left work in feb 08 and have been arguing with myself almost everyday since then - that its my fault and i should/could be there
Yesterday had occ health meeting again - with view to returning in jan (will lose contract in feb)
well
i sat and cried
told her i was late cos i was scared to come in building
basically a pathetic weak baby
admitted i had refused meds, and pdoc has refused to see me.
so
she said she didnt consider i would be fit enough to work for the forseeable future and that for the benefit of my health she thinks i should leave.

This is ALL MY FAULT - i am driven to this - i could have just gone back, i could have just taken meds, i could have got off my lazy arse and lived
but no
i have become more and more inert
OK i am not sui atm, and i am better than i have been - but
i just dont know how far i am removed from being a well person
- do u understand?
this is the wrong place for me
im sorry
yes i suffer from anxiety, and depression
but i am emotionally unstable apparently - and my head is mess as is my thinking - so i am told
i just dont know the right thing to do - the right way to go
as whatever i decide - is argued against in my head, within seconds, split seconds

sorry for going on so much
i dont expect you to read, or reply - since there is nothing anyone can do - it is my life - i have messed it up - i continue to do so - i am scared of being well - i cannot accept that i am ill

there
xx

[PoppyC]

Hi
Sorry to hear how you are feeling.
You say you have been on/off anti depressants.
Maybe if you found an anti depressant that worked, would you stay on them?
I know the downsides of anti depressants to begin with, and I was a person who hated taking medication and would collect it but never took it, but I have now found after being on anti depressants for months and perservering,, that they have really improved my anxiety and depression. I feel like a whole new person in a lot of ways. I felt like I had nothing to lose by taking anti depressants because I was in such a bad way and was so messed up, and I can honestly say I wished I had taken them much earlier.
A year ago I was having a breakdown and then my social, anxiety and agoraphobia kicked in and all the rest and I was living almost like a recluse and that is until very recent, but now with the help of anti depressants and taking them correctly, self help, counselling, having a healthy diet, plus the support of this site, I really feel like a new person and for the first time in a very long time, and I am returning to work.
I honestly did not ever think I would feel well again and I was seriously unwell - it was an horrific time.
You can get better and it won't always be like this for you.
I feel like I can say I am 99% recovered. I still get 'bad days' but I can live with them because I know there will be good days. I think 'anxiety' will always be there with me too, but it does help knowing there is medication to ease it.
I am not trying to come across as though anxiety, depression and the rest are easy to deal with because I know they are not, but for a lot of people anti depressants do help if they stick with them.
Are you receiving any help at all for how you feel?
I hope you start to feel better eventually.
You will get a lot of support from this site.

[everglades]

the AD's did work
they helped
but they did not solve who i am
i thought i would do it myself, get fit, eat well, etc - did it all, but inside i was dying - so i gave up all the rest
i thought when i left work i would get Therapy, leave home (marriage) and learn to be me
but i was wrong
i have tightend the prison around me
i am to scared to leave it.
i ave no doubt pils would make me feel better, lift me out and stand me up again - but inside i will continue to die as i am not the 'me' who was meant to be - whoever that is - and i cannot be - ever

[teez]

if you are not the you who you was meant to be hun,,make the most of the who you are,,,i can identify with who you are,,where your coming from,,i at times wondered whats the point,,,the point is making the best of a bad thing,,im shut in my house 90 per cent of the time,,but i fill my time ,,yes its hard when you get the,,i just cant be bothereds,,but i push myself,,make myself do something anything,,,before you know it your minds on what your doing,,the mind cant do two things at once,,,ive felt like hell today,,the computer went down ,,so i had no contact with the outside,,,so ive sat sewing,,,im not suggesting you sew,well you can if you like:D, but anything that fills time is good,,plus i have to go out to buy supplies for my hobbys,,which also brings in contact with the outside, ive also refused to take anything,,partly fear,,partly bloody stubborness,,but the one thing i do, do is let people in now ,,mostly on the computer,,but ive had such help and compassion from strangers,keep your head up,,listen to people on here we,ll get you through

[Maj]

You sound so low that you need something to help you get back on an even keel. I'd take the meds if I felt like that - I'd be desperate for something to make me feel like me again. Don't give up and beat yourself up. This in itself sounds like depression. Please seek help. You only live once.
Myra x

[everglades]

i cant let myself be well thats what confuses me and makes me bad
others try so hard, so desp do anything to feel better
and i fight it
i am bad

[PoppyC]

Hi again
You are not bad.
You do sound like you need to accept help however in order to get well. We can either give up, sink into the misery of depression and anxiety or fight how we feel, by doing everything there is to make ourselves feel better.
I take meds and feel a lot better, and I still feel like 'me' - albeit a much happier, relaxed, less anxious and depressed 'me', compared to how I used to be. However I am not saying that you 'should' take medication and that is entirely your decision.
What help are you receiving for how you feel? Does your gp know how you are feeling?
I know when we get really depressed that we can 'give up' and we think that we are always going to feel the same way and that we can never feel any different, but we can, however we don't see that when we are so down and depressed.
Please keep posting on here because you will get a lot of support.

[Maj]

It sounds to me that you are depressed and need help. To even think that you are bad is very sad and honestly you need help. You can feel well again. It sounds as though you haven't got the strength but it's only because you feel so low. Please go to the doctor and explain how you are feeling. Promise us. You are not bad you are depressed. It's an illness like any other and needs treatment. It's your illness that's making you have these negative thoughts.
Myra x:hugs:

[everglades]

others have said its part of my illness too- i hear it - but my head is telling me its not true, that i am just making a fuss
my gp knows, he has been v good, and has begged me to take meds
he knows how people are arguing in my head telling me dif things, he knows how uncertain i am
thing is people say over and over 'do whats right for you' but that is so hard - when 'you' is so unstable as a person

thing is i have spent years like this, up and down, always feeling wrong - and even when i was working and things were going well, nothing remained 'right'
- it just feels like nothing will ever be good enough, and in the end it was just too much to cope with
i have given up, yes
i function when my kids are home from uni, or if we have visitors, but otherwise i have sppent most of the past 21 months sitting doing very little - and head arguing with what should be / could be done
round and round and round
i am sure all this sounds stupid to u all - like 'why the hell doesnt she just take meds and shut up' and you are probably right
it has all become so hard and confused and i am so stuck and lost

[Bill]

valuable
lol
i
my dear
am a waste of space
my world of negativity would turn you all against me

Not quite "everyone" my dear and you ARE Valuable because you are a human being who deserves happiness just like anyone else.:hugs:

You can feel as down as you want with me and I'd STILL keep coming back for more until I helped you smile again. Want to test me to prove I mean what I say? I'm game if you are! Just say the word and you can keep offloading on me and I'll KEEP coming back even if to always just dry your tears!:bighug1:

Sometimes when we reach a stage when everything feels so confusing, we need to stop and go back to the beginning to as ourselves 2 simple questions- Why do we feel so depressed and what do we Really want to be happy. Once you answer them, you can then plan a route to finding the smiles again.

I stand by Every word I've just said if you want to test me sweetie!:winks: The choice is yours.:bighug1:

[KK77]

It's very difficult to know what to say. The sense of isolation seems to make our suffering seem unique, even if it is essentially universal. I have suffered from depression for many years and have found the only way to lessen it is to detach myself from it. I know this may sound dismissive and very easy to say, but I don't see it as MY depression. I can't explain it really.

All the thoughts going round and round happens to me sometimes and without totally analysing one thing it's onto the other and other and other, so it just becomes neurotic. I think seeing the pattern is important. Also the utter meaninglessness of life. But many people are so busy with their routines and ambition to do the next thing that they don't even have the time or energy to ponder over such things.

Sorry there isn't much I can say to help you, and I know it's been said many times before ... but you really aren't as alone as you think you are.

[Elmum]

Everglades!!!
It is so weird reading that you've had enough, that you are a waste of space, that you feel people will turn against you... are you reading my mind??
You sound like you feel guilty about something in particular... I know EXACTLY what that's like. If I admitted to you now that I felt like I'm worthless, am despairing, have no energy to even cry, can see no way out of this fog... what would you say to me? "You're not alone"? "Please hold on"? "The fog will pass one day"? I don't even know where I'm going with this, only that you really really really aren't alone. Good people can slip.

[everglades]

billl 2t hings
1 ii am trappd in marrige and its v long and worng and wil never leave and heart brokrn but told my relaity is not right so the love he says maybe true butt it is not gihrt
2 never beeee goodd enough at wht mkse me happy and so wil face faillll ur always

all too much too too much trap traptrap

[Bill]

ii am trappd in marrige and its v long and worng and wil never leave

I can certainly empathise with you on that but even in a trap, we can still find some happiness!:bighug1:

never beeee goodd enough at wht mkse me happy and so wil face faillll ur always

Maybe if you got the right care and support you'd gain more belief in yourself because someone would believe in You. Never give up on hope even when things feel hopeless.:bighug1:

[everglades]

ty all for your kindness
im sorry i dont act on advice
right now i am tired and crying again
head has been raging at me all day - do this do that shoulds shouldnts
i could call to speak to gp but what can he do
i could start taking meds
i could fight not to lose my job
i should be working
i am fine and must making a fuss
i dont need meds its my fault i caused it
if i was at work none of this would have happend
but it did happen at work
its my fault
need see a therapist
the one i wnat is too expensive and a train ride away
cant do train
can, cant can, cant
should be able to
idiot
fool
baby
lazy
bad
blah blah blah blah

and that is just 5 seconds worth of my day, my days
help
i cant die
i cant live

[sassieb]

please dont think your a waste of space, nobody is that

[munkeyinblack]

Everglades one thing is certain from your posts that you cant go on like this. You need help and its ok to admit that. It doesnt make you weak or useless or anything else youve been saying about yourself. We all have the same problems on here, are we all useless and worthless? No and neither are you. Please go to your GP or someone who you feel could help you even if its just for a chat to discuss your options. Theres always hope.

Munkey x

[everglades]

see cpn fri - shes ok, will giv me 4 mor sessions then bye bye
gp knows

i dont wnat to go on

[Slothette]

Hi everglades

Munkey is right. You do need more help than you seem to be getting at the moment.

You said earlier that AD's have helped you before. Are you scared to take them this time? Are you afraid of the side effects?....or maybe you believe that this is all your fault and you "should" be able to cope? It certainly isn't your fault and a first step is to believe that you are ill.

Taking AD's at the moment would get you on an even keel so that you can address the issue of "who you really are."

Please keep posting so that we can try to help you :hugs:

[everglades]

ys
acceptance
cant
do sometimes
but then its gone

[looking4answers]

My thoughts exactly..

[everglades]

head's sliping and sliding all over the place
losing it
calm but drifting

[PoppyC]

Hi Everglades

Are you ok???

[everglades]

not really
but safe

head so bad
on on on on

[everglades]

in a mess
such a mess
cant stop crying
such a bad useless person

[steve2009]

You are not a bad useless person.....
we are here for you :hugs:

[bellabessnjet]

Hi,
Just wanted to see if your OK. Please dont give up, Ive been there, crying so bad my hubby had to put me to bed scared I was having a breakdown. the constant thoughts of not being good enough (feeling like that would have been better than I really did feel), feeling like no-one cared because I wasnt good enough. Scratching myself just to feel something. You really are not alone.
I know when your in that dark place there seems no way out, but trust me there is. It is hard and difficult but with the right support it can get better.
Please take care and if not already go to your Drs, you will find help, you just need a little bit of strength to ask for it.
I wish you all the luck in the world in feeling better (however small)
If you need to please PM me.
Angela.