Simply cannot go on anymore.

[belle]

I have had enough of everything.

11 effing years i have lived in "GROUNDHOG DAY". Too scared to do anything. Too scared to fight, too scared to live, too scared to die...just too scared.

To me, it's always been the easier option to not fight panic, because panic is horrible, scary, embarassing, frightening, causes feelings that i try my hardest not to feel...i am just a big mess and i can't do it anymore.

I have a wonderful boyfriend of 5 months who is SO supportive and encouraging but i am not able to do the things that he suggests, i just can't do it. I'm too scared.

I am worn right out of being this way. I'm trapped in a house, that is smaller than a bloody rabbit hutch, i have no life, nothing.

Even the thought of going out again scares the sh*t out of me. I do NOT want to go back to being housebound again. I'm still only able to go out with my mother - and my boyfriend desperately wants me to go out with him, of course, like any normal boyfriend - but being the big failure that i am, i can't do it. I am rubbish. If this is my life, forever, then i can't do it.

x

[barrywin]

You are not a failure. There is no such thing as failing. That is a standard set by "other people" You have succeeded in joining this website and writing the e mail and having a boyfriend and going out with your mother. In my view you are a resounding success!!!
FEAR is my metaphor for FALSE EXPECTATION APPEARING REAL. You are building these "fears" up before breaking them down into small manageable pieces. Try walking down the street listening to music or chatting with your boyfriend for only 20-30 yards one day -- try doing things in small steps and then build it up gradually. The longest journeys start with one single step. YOU CAN DO IT. We are all here rooting for you and we all have suffered the same anxieties. Vey best wishes and calm healing thoughts. best of luck, Barry

[belle]

It's too late. I have been like this for 11 1/2 years. Fear is now set in stone.

[Veronica H]

:bighug1:Hi Belle. You have the strength to do this and I know from previous posts that you have been through alot over this last year relationship wise. You are bound to have sensitised nerves but you have achieved so much. I know you will not let anxiety close your life down Belle but pace yourself.

Veronicax

[belle]

I can't do it. I really can't. I have given up on life now.

[PoppyC]

Hi Belle
Sorry that you sound so down.
I often read your posts and you come across as a very strong, intelligent, determined person, despite your difficulties. You are not 'rubbish' as you stated.
You have been doing really well from what I have previously read and sound so happy with your boyfriend.
Maybe you are going through a rough patch for now with how you are feeling but you will get back to being that upbeat you again.
Your boyfriend sounds like he is a good person and I am sure he will understand when you feel like you don't want to go out, however it won't always be like this, and I am sure there will be times when you do go out with him in the future.
I get good days and then the downest of days when everything seems pointless but I always try and keep the thought that how I feel will improve based on the past experiences.

I hope you feel much happier soon.:hugs:

[munkeyinblack]

If theres one thing iv learned its that its never too late. You need to focus on the positive things despie how hard that is. You wouldnt have posted if you didnt want help so accept it. Talk to us and let us help you. You can beat this the only thing holding you back is yourself. We all know how hard it is but its a fight that will be so worth it in the end

Munkey x

[steve2009]

Hi Belle
It's true what the others are saying.
It will get better :hugs:
Steve

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Belle I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. I can't say that I understand what is like to be agoraphobia because I haven't ever been there. You are not a failure you are doing all that you can to get well. I know what it feels like to be in a state of panic and anxiety. You need to take baby steps until you feel able to do more. You can go out with your mum you can't go out with your boyfriend yet. There is always something to look foward to there is always hope for the future. You will get through this. Jane.

[IrishPrincess]

Belle,
I have hand on heart felt as bad as you, I think having a child and a fella made it 10 times worse, I felt absolute crap, lowest of the low, a complete failure, but I came out of it and you can too. I have been like this on and off for 9 years, so time isn't an issue. If I can get through anyone can.

[Alisonj]

Hun,
It is never too late! I am going on 18 years of this hell. However I have had 2 year spurts of recovery. It can be done. It can be done and remain that way. Its all about our thinking. You have a boyfriend and you are worth fighting for. I have been reading your blog and you have good moments. Even when things seem impossible they are not. You are worth it, you need to realize that. Life is worth it as hard as it may be day after day. I have days that I feel like I just cant do it anymore, and want to give up. But I have three kids, I have family, I cannot do that to them. I am worth the fight.
I am not sure if you are on meds, etc. I personally am on meds but no counselling as I have yet to find any help in it.
But if you havent read books like Claire weekes or Jon Kabat Zinn, get them and give them an honest effort. She always mentions that you dont have to fight to leave your house. Think of it as floating. Just float where you need to go, no effort, no thoughts. I hope you are feeling better. Anytime you need to chat please feel free here or on my blog.

[Veronica H]

:bighug1:thinking of you this morning belle and hope you are feeling a bit brighter.

Veronica

[Alicat]

Thinking of you too :hugs:

I have some books by Jon Kabat-Zinn and they really do help with anxiety.

I hope you're feeling a bit better. You are not a failure. You're typing on here and that's a positive step xx

[gypsywomen]

here is no such thing as cant ,,if there was people would stop the world would stop everyone would stop , you can get better no matter how long you have lived this hell. you are luckier than some they don't have anybody to help ,but love the only one who can hep is you ,,,instead of thinking negative thoughts try positive thinking ,,get mad get angry shout from the house top YOUR NOT GONIG TO BEAT ME I WILL SURVIVE ,,,,you can do it ,you can