View Full Version : How can i still live with her?
Hello,
About 6 weeks ago my girlfriend and i had an arguement and she said she did nt want to be with me anymore, she does that a lot when she is drunk. Normally things are resolved the nexty day, but she told everyone she was single via facebook.
We were getting on really well, having more fun, being more intimate than when we were together, she kept telling me we would be back together, kpet saying things like "at our wedding", and "on holiday". There was a guy from work she was talking to a lot, but he was married and 15 years older than her (she is 25). On saturday she got home from her parents and told me she and him are a couple!!! From when this first started 6 weeks ago i have been depressed i havn't been eating properly and have lost 19lbs (was on 13 1/2 stone to start with). But then we slept together on sunday, and had another good day, but now she has started rubbing it in my face, talking loudly on the phopne to people about their date on friday.
We are stuck in a house together for at least 6 months, i dont think i can do this anymore, i have never been so down.
Can anyone offer me words of wisdom?
gypsywomen
25-11-09, 18:16
yes dump her she wont change do you want to live like this ,, unhappy with the odd day of happiness its no way to live ,,it will hurt for a time ,,but you will be ok
She sounds very immature to me. As soon as you can get out of this relationship. She is playing head games which is making you ill. You have every right to be happy and to be with someone who will treat you with respect. Take care...Lex xx
buty i cant leave house as have 40k in it
gypsywomen
25-11-09, 18:31
then tell her to leave it will do one of 3 things make her relise she needs you ,or she will go as she dosent care ,, one way to find outyou love her and its hard but you must be strong
she has the same in it, so she wont leave
gypsywomen
25-11-09, 18:40
oh well it sounds like your in a catch 22 situation,,,
i know, it doesnt help i have harm ocd, i am so angry and am worried i will do something
gypsywomen
25-11-09, 18:45
ah thats different what do you think you might do ,,harm yourself ,,i have learnecd from being on here people with ocd just think about things but doont do its the illness isnt it ,,it must be horrid
whwen we were together i was worried i would halm her, i think tht is y we broke up, because i stopped being so close to her
gypsywomen
25-11-09, 18:52
have you told her how you feel about the way she carries on mybe you should sit dow together and talk it throu tell her what its doing to you
she is depressed, all her friends were my old school friends (and extended friends) so now she has him, her job and gher family, is very hard
mandyclare
25-11-09, 18:55
Tom... will send you a message via FB later.. sorry ive not as yet... but she is playing games with you.. ive seen her and she is absolutely stunning and I can understand after all that time its hard to let go but you know what she is being so unfair on you.... she knows you are suffering right now with OCD etc and yet she still plays this games...
As for your house whether you leave or not makes no odds... see a solicitor on a free consultation and get some advice... if you have both been paying towards the mortgage etc you can force the sale to free up both of your equity in the property.
Will talk later
Mand x
You can also go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and get free advice there to find out what your options are if you want to sell your property and leave.
Hi Tommy ,im sorry you find yourself in this hopeless situation .Things need to be discussed whatever happens ,She may have felt like you were rejecting her,Perhaps thats why she is acting this way .If she wants to be with this other bloke ,id say let her get on with it ..But why is she still sleeping with you ? Stop sleeping with her and Sleep in the spare room if you have one .You need to sit down like two adults and discuss where you go from here ..Whether you sell or what with regards to the house .She needs to realize this is it ,and you arent putting up with her atrocious behaviour .Stick to what you say and dont go back on it ,she will just continue to bait you like she is doing .What about his wife ? does she know ? i bet she doesnt .He sounds like a right s-it as well ..Good riddance .You will be better off without her .You need to get some help with your Ocd ..All this stress will make it worse ..Does your girlfriend know the extent of your problems ? If so what else is that telling you ..?Take care Sue
munkeyinblack
25-11-09, 20:54
I was in a simillar situation a few weeks ago and the best thing i ever did was get rid. It hurt like hell but the sense of relief helped my depression and anxiety no end. There is no situation that cant be sorted somehow but I would agree with the above advice and find out where you stand before you speak to her. You sound like a genuinly nice guy who does not deserve to be hurt and treated this way. You need to think about yourself in this.
Munkey x
Tommy that must be a really awful situation to be in, why don't you give the citizens advice bureau a call and see if they can let you know the legal side of things, regarding the house and where you both stand.
Its not fair for you to have to put up with that situation.
best wishes
di xx
looking4answers
26-11-09, 00:51
Im with gypsy on this one.. DUMP HER>>>who needs here.. there are zillions of fish in the sea.. go fish..
Last night, i wnet round my friends house, she went for a drink with her new partner. She phoned me about 10:30, i didnt answer, she phoned another couple of times and i answered because i was worried something was wrong. She wanted me to pick her up from the station, i said i was busy then got a text - "you are a c*** dont come home." Went home about 12, she was awake downstairs, so i wnet straight to bed.
Then this morning she woke me up and asked me to take her to the station, obviously i i refused, she stormed out slamming all doors.
His wife doesn't know, although when i first found out i did add her as a friend on facebook, but i dont want to be responsible for ruining her and her 2 kids life (one is only 6 months old).
We do have a spare room, but we have a lodger until next weekend, then i wil be moving into there.
She is also very depressed at the moment as she has lost all her friends over this, she is drinking a lot every night (4 cans + of strongbow) and smoking weed every night. On saturday, we ordered pizza, ate it. The i went upstaris to get my phone and caught her with her fingers down her throat, obviously i couldnt watch her do that, so stopped her, which caused an arguement. Obviously i do have some negative feelings towards her, but however strong they are, i do not want her to end up hurting herself.
Tommy, I can relate to your situation.
My first wife was also suffering depression from PTSD I now suspect.
She ended up having an affair with her boss. For 6 months I tried to make it work whilst she was sleeping with both him and I. How sad is that?
My biggest fear at the time was deserting her when she needed support. In the end I realised that the new man in her life would have to do that, and that I could not be held accountable for another persons choices and actions and I left. The best and hardest thing I had ever done.
Be strong, take all of the other advice given here regarding the financial and legal aspects and walk away to preserve yourself.
sarah jayne
26-11-09, 13:18
I think the best thing you can do is dump her. You cant let her treat you like that and get away with it. Your worth more than that. Even if things were tough and we were going through a bad patch i would never dream of being with another man. Can you honestly say that you would feel the same way about her if you get back together knowing that she has been with another man ? Shes made her choice and even though it hurts your going to have to except it. Theres plenty of people out there and im sure you'll meet your soulmate one day. The next 6 months will be tough for you but it will be worth it to get your life back. Please dont let her walk all over you.
Sarah x
Thank you everyone for your kind words. She cheated on me before about 6 months into our relationship, i stupidly took her back, but since then i have really tried to trust her, but she is very self conscious and craves the attention of men.
My head tells me i could never take her back, but my heart tells me i want to, as when we are alone, we get on so well, i really did see her as the mother of my children.
Sarah, I would never even think about cheating on someone, i am a very honest loyal person, and lies and deceipt drove my dad into a deep depression 3 years ago which he still hasn't fully recovered from so have seen first hand the damage it can do.
I do have a few women who want me to take them out, i am not sure what to do, as i am not ready to start something new, but know it will do my confidence good, but i do not like leading people on, and i dont think if i was honest they would want to go out.
Tommy you seem like such a nice caring person .:hugs:I personally dont think seeing someone else is going to do anything to make things better ,But its ok for people to go out as friends .It doesnt have to end up complicated ,You obviously cant switch your feelings off just like that ,but you really need to carry on with how you are being towards her ..Depression is no excuse for her behaviour ,.Drinking and smoking weed is the worst thing she could do ,she must surely know this ? She needs to go and see her Dr and get proper help .Shes not a child and needs to take responsibility for her actions ,she is very selfish ,Its very sad to hear there are children involved ,but it goes to show what sort of person the other bloke is .His wife will find out sooner or later .Then your ex will see how much or little he really cares about her ..You need to think of yourself and your own life ..You desreve much better than this ,one day you will find someone who will make you happy .Lifes too short to drink bad wine .Take care and think of your self more ..Luv Sue x
Things took a turn for the worse today. I spoke to someone at work and they advised me to keep it a "business" relationship with her, so i asked her to sit down with me to discuss bills, the house sale etc. We did this, then i said i had taken her out my will and advised her to do the same in case anything happened to her, she somehow took this as a threat (despite the fact that even if i was going to i would keep myself in her will).
She phoned her dad and told him i had told her i was going to kill her, he honed the police. I sat down, started a voice recorder on my phone, asked her why she said that to her dad, she said "so he will finally hate you as much as i do". I told her i had recorded it and told her to tell her dad to cancel the police call. At which point she went mad, she started punching and slapping me, kicked me in the "coin purse", she ran upstairs, threw all my clothes out the window, threw my tv against the wall, totally lost the plot.
I left soon after, went to my mums, she phoned me, i put her on loudspeaker, she told me that she was going to tell the police that i had punched her, i told her she had chipped my tooth where she punched me, she told me i had hurt her wrist when i restrained her.
wow Tommy chap what a situation, sounds like hell fella.
Never been in a situation like it mate, but what I would say is, think before you make a rash decision. I agree with Mandy and Diane, pop to CAB for advice. you MUST not jepordise the cash you have wrapped up in the house. Whatever happens, you need to make sure you walk away with what is yours.
As for your ex, I don't know what to suggest bud, if she attacked me like that I would have picked her up by the throat and dumped her on the street and changed the locks for her own safety, the cheeky cow, she sounds like an extremely silly little girl.
Tell her to leave you in peace while you sort out the finances, or you will blow the whistle on her relationship (personally I would slap him everytime she slapped me, but don't take that as advice, that's just me).
Is there equity in the house? if so, I wander if legally you can force a sell or offer her to buy you out?
You need to make sure you don't end up paying for this financially for years to come, and have nothing to show for it, that would be hell.
And fella, if she changes overnight and turns the charm on again? resist mate, this leopard will never change it's spots.
Wishing you luck fella
Jaco
Jaco, there is no risk of me ever considering taking her back, i have been blinded by love for so long, she has shown signs of what she is like many times, and know she has cheated on me at least twice. I do not want someone like that being the mother of my child.
I told her this morning to seriously consider moving out, and if she attacked me again i would go to the police.
I also have a lot of female interst at the moment and going to pursue that (not for anything serious as i dont think any girl would want this baggage).
You go for it fella, you deserve a lass that will appreciate you.
Can you afford to buy her out btw ?
Please don't make the mistake I did, or you will live in regret forever.
I married a woman that can't cook ;)
Be well
Jaco
sarah jayne
28-11-09, 09:16
Why dont you go to the police and report her for attacking you and for making threats. Just because shes a woman doesnt mean she should get away with it. Show the police what you recorded. Im sure they wil give you advice.
Sarah x
Jaco, the ex couldn't cook, clean or iron. Not really wife material.
It is not a case of buying her out, the house is financed as folows:
House purchase = 195000
Deposit paid by me, legally in my name =30000
The rpoblem is we have had plans drawn up for an extension, would cost around 40k to do, estate agent has valued the complete house at 330k, means after fees we should have 90k out the house.
I have sked the council to hold on to the plans as she has talked about gettign the house valued, and obviously plans will increase the value, then if she wants me to buy her out for half the difference between the estate agents evaluation and the purchase price then i will do that, may even give her a couple of thousand just to make it easy.
PanicOver!!
28-11-09, 10:38
Get out of there. She is no good for you. You can't keep getting hurt. As hard as it is you need to walk Away. This will be hard because you care for her but you don't deserve the heartache. It's never easy to walk away from the one you love but you deserve better
good luck buddy
Im sorry that this is happening to you as its obviously a very horrible situation to be in. I can only speak from the experience I have had. When I first started to feel depressed I was 17/18 and I was in a relationship with another girl. Sadly I felt I was not in the right type of relationship for me, i.e not feeling those type of feelings toward women.However the girl I was with I had gotten close to even though I did not have feelings of that nature for her I did not want to hurt her but I told her the way I was feeling because I am unbelievable honest! Anyway she was very good in making me feel an enormous amount of guilt and sorrow without me knowing what she was doing. Because i was young and niave and it was my first relationship I listened to her when she told me I was just feeling upset about the other bad things happening in my life and I was making it about our relationship.As a consequence I had a bit of a breakdown and felt a sense of loss, panic and anxiety. This was the start of a long spiralling depression. The girl in question did nothing to help me, when I suggested a break just to see how we faired she put me off. She also flirted with ever guy going in the beginning making me very self conscious and to further dampen my low self esteem. Needless to say she was not the right person for me to be around and it took me about 6 months after I started to feeling depressed to finally end the realtionship and say goodbye to her. Im sorry to write such a long story about this but all I wanted to say is if something in your life is having such a negative effect it is better to take that out of your life. At first it does seem very odd and weird and you will have temptation to call them, see them and be intimate but do not! Because after a month or so you will feel yourself begin to pick up and that is much better for you than the few odd happy moments.
There is someone better for you out there who will give you those happy moments everyday and not every month or whatever. This will be "real" and not fleeting.
Hold on to that!
Good Luck and Take care of yourself!
xx
fozzy is crying
21-12-09, 21:31
Her problem and loss do not let her make it yours. Move on.
You are young and will find someone much better.
Gordon
hi tommy,
i just found this thread and couldnt help but read the entire thread and put in my 2 cents.
i just feel so much for your situation! you do sound like a great guy!
my first boyfriend cheated on me, and seemed to love threatening to kill me if i left him and loved throwing me against walls....i put up with it for 2 years as my mum said i was lucky to get any guy interested in me....i finally did leave, was kidnapped and abused by him, but got away..and realised i was worth someone awsome.....never ever went there again...
im so sorry this woman is so awful!
pls know that when you get away from all of this, that you will never go through it again, you will spot girls like this a mile away, and your totally right. women who are desperate for mens attention are very insecure. def not good love material as they cant give, they can only take.
i sadly also married a man who also cant clean or iron..def not good husband material hahaha! but, he is very loyal, loving and funny, what else matters?
you did the right thing by taping her conversation..even tho i dont think you can use it in court...i think it would still help...you do need to keep your whits about you in this time. get as much advice as you can about the property, and as bad as things are now, pls know that your future can only get so much better. i think you should definatly go out - with friends, have a good time, start building your own life, your own friends, have some fun, realise that life can be awsome and amazing with good people around you!
best of luck to you :bighug1:
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