View Full Version : Dangerous "Inner Dialogue"
Dear All,
I was going to just carry on under the "Maddie is my Heroine" thread but on a whim, I thought this deserved it's own thread.
The way we talk to ourselves
I'm no good at this
I'm no good at anything
Everyone is better than me
I can't do this
I'm useless
I'm SUCH a failure
I'm worthless
I deserve to fail/to be ill/to have panic attacks/anxiety
I've talked to myself this way in the past and then going back to when I used to play competitive golf and had a caddy it got me thinking.
WOULD I ALLOW ANYONE ELSE (my caddy for example)TO TALK TO ME THE WAY THAT I TALK TO MYSELF???????
Just think about that for a second or two........
Would you allow ANYONE on this planet to call you the names you call yourself or to talk DOWN to you the way you talk to yourself??????
Just as important -- WOULD YOU TALK TO ANYONE ELSE THE WAY YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. You'd get into a lot of fights for sure if you did!!!
Isn't it about time we changed or at least rephrased the way we talked to ourselves.
I'd very much like YOUR feed back on how we could rephrase some of the above sentences negating the destructive implications and replacing them with a fairer more honest appraisal of ourselves. After all, the above sentences aren't even true, they are just lousy questions to which the brain will come up with equally LOUSY answers validating your LOUSY question MAKING YOU FEEL EVEN WORSE ABOUT YOURSELF THAN YOU ALREADY DID OR FURTHER CEMENTING YOUR DOWNTRODDEN MISCONCEPTION ABOUT YOURSELF
I know from past experience that it DOES take time to change how we talk to ourselves (because we've been beating ourselves up for so long we're used to feeling like emotional punch bags) but what I do now is each time my inner voice starts criticizing myself (unfairly) I loudly say STOP!!!!!
I then rephrase the question/statement
All positive/negative feedback is greatly appreciated.
Best wishes to all,
Barry
REMEMBER - A mighty OAK tree is merely an Acorn that stood its ground.
looking4answers
27-11-09, 02:08
Interesting post..Im not sure I talk to myself verbally .. Sometimes I have a few thoughts.. but my wife talks to herself..and says negative things but im sure she thinks im listening and will say something.. Sometimes i do and other lol.. I don't.. Anyway just thought I would mention it does make for interesting reading..Michael
Dear Michael,
You're so lucky -- I wish I could be more like you and not have this inner voice that I often have to say STOP to from being over critical of myself.
Very much like the way that you handle things with your wife. LOL!!
best wishes,
Barry
Interesting post..Im not sure I talk to myself verbally .. Sometimes I have a few thoughts.. but my wife talks to herself..and says negative things but im sure she thinks im listening and will say something.. Sometimes i do and other lol.. I don't.. Anyway just thought I would mention it does make for interesting reading..Michael
This is something that my counsellor picked up with me. Even though I said i was not critical of myself she said that she found it shocking that someone could be so harsh with themselves, especially when they haven't done anything wrong in the first place.
x
Dear Dolan,
So do you have inner thoughts criticizing you and how do you deal with it?
Best wishes,
Barry
tbh i dont deal with it so well because i dont realise im doing it. I find it common to criticise myself, I always have. It was only when someone else picked up on it that I got thinking about it.
I'm always going to think negatively of myself, it's who I am. I just try and make sure that I correct myself or let myself feel proud of myself once in a while.
I have a perfectionist personality and see it both as a negative and a positive.
xxx
Dear Dolan,
I also have a perfectionist personality which I have always tended to view as a negative. I like your way of thinking that it should also be viewed as a positive.
I've always (as you can tell from my post) tried to STOP the criticism and negativity as quickly as possible.
Best wishes,
barry
Dear All,
The way we talk to ourselves
I'm no good at this
I'm no good at anything
Everyone is better than me
I can't do this
I'm useless
I'm SUCH a failure
I'm worthless
I deserve to fail/to be ill/to have panic attacks/anxiety
Isn't it about time we changed or at least rephrased the way we talked to ourselves.
I'd very much like YOUR feed back on how we could rephrase some of the above sentences negating the destructive implications and replacing them with a fairer more honest appraisal of ourselves. After all, the above sentences aren't even true, they are just lousy questions to which the brain will come up with equally LOUSY answers validating your LOUSY question MAKING YOU FEEL EVEN WORSE ABOUT YOURSELF THAN YOU ALREADY DID OR FURTHER CEMENTING YOUR DOWNTRODDEN MISCONCEPTION ABOUT YOURSELF
I know from past experience that it DOES take time to change how we talk to ourselves (because we've been beating ourselves up for so long we're used to feeling like emotional punch bags) but what I do now is each time my inner voice starts criticizing myself (unfairly) I loudly say STOP!!!!!
.
Guilty as charged! :wacko:
I talk myself down to the point where I am thinking everyone would be better off without me and I'm mentally composing my will to ensure my meager estate will benefit the ones I leave behind as best it can.
I spent so many years being criticised and treated badly that it's hard for me to find worth in myself. Even harder to recognise justifiable pride in my achievements as a good feeling. Excitement and pride are powerful feelings to experience when you are not used to them.
I agree with Barry - POSITIVITY is the only way out of these horrid debilitating thoughts.
I'll try to go through your list above and rephrase them, as most apply to me. I'll maybe add a few others too. I hope this will help other negative thinkers to see that there are two sides to every coin.
1. I'm no good at this
Do I want to be? Who's expecting me to be? Is it what I want? We can't all be heart surgeons, but I am good at nurturing children and organising events.
2. I'm no good at anything.
OK today is a bad day. The depression and anxiety have a hold. The dishes need doing and I can't even hoover BUT I recognise that. The house won't fall down if I leave it a day. I'm unable to work, have to depend on benefits BUT that is not my fault. My doctors say I've coped extremely well without being hospitalised for what happened to me. I am making progress. I can drive places. I can walk out alone. I've maintained (and strengthened) relationships with my family. I'm excellent supporting my daughter and caring for my grandson. These sound simple, but all take a considerable number of skills to achieve; and they do matter.
3. Everyone is better than me
Maybe. I know I'm no angel (sorry Bill :)) But what do I know? No-one knows what goes on in another person's mind or behind closed doors. How many respectable-looking, supposedly caring people have we seen on the news who are paedophiles? My life at least does no harm to anyone. If I can be happy with my lot, what does it matter what others can/cannot do. I have my own unique strengths and weaknesses to build on.
4. I can't do this
OK, perhaps I can't today. That doesn't mean I shouldn't try again tomorrow. Maybe break the task down into smaller steps that are easier to achieve.
5. I'm useless
A tough nut to crack sometimes. When I'm shaking too hard to get the dinner out of the oven without burning myself, can't shop or collect a prescription from the chemist in Asda, remember what I'm doing without lists, or accept an invitation to a party my family want to go to, I feel useless. A diary would help me to see the number of times a week my daughter or parents ring for advice or a chat. I've always been a good listener. I am helping an online friend to work through a sleep programme and I hope some of my responses on nmp give others hope and support. My cats, fish and birds depend on me.
6. I'm such a failure
In what way and does it matter to me? OK everyone had high hopes of me as a career person. For various reasons that has fallen apart, but not through any fault of mine. So many people suggest now that I "do a course". I've come to recognise that the external pressure on me to succeed has given me a total revulsion for further study. I know I have (did have :huh:) a good brain. By my own choice, I am not going to use it to study again.
I't seems I'm not good in relationships. I have been divorced, although that was on the grounds of mental cruelty towards me. I am not comfortable living with someone as I do believe in God and his moral code for us. I am at a crossroads now and have decided that the way forward for me is to live alone. Many will see that as failure. For me the fact that I have chosen freely and not allowed others to influence my decision is a very positive step forward.
I may have failed at conforming to society norms, but I am at peace with my inner self.
7. I'm worthless
This is a daily thought. Again, I hang onto the things that I do for my family. Unfortunately my daughter and grandson will be moving away soon and will leave a big void. I have nothing to give anyone else unless I start work on some huge barriers that have gone up throughout my life. I have yet to decide if I want to go through the painful process of knocking them down. Again, the fact that I am making that decision, not meekly having it imposed om me, is a huge positive for me.
I do often have intrusive suicidal thoughts where I think my only value to those I love is to go and leave them my money. Then my little grandson throws his arms round my neck and calls me ganma. I am important to him.
8. I deserve to fail/to be ill/to have panic attacks/anxiety
I have never thought this because I have never done wrong, always been a victim. (That's a statement I need to revisit) I do ask "why me" when I look out of my window at all the houses with all the people leading normal, happy lives. Yet are they? I don't really know. I do know that happiness cannot be measured against others and their expectaions of you. It has to come from within your own being. Maybe I create an environment in which I'm bound to fail by being a perfectionist and setting too high standards for myself. I know I fear failure because of the repercussions I've suffered since childhood if I didn't get A*** for everything. This of course makes the anxiety worse.
OK I am writing a book here! There were so many examples I could use for each point and I'm sure you wanted brief, concise answers. Unfortunately, life's not like that. Mine, anyway! :)
If anyone manages to get through reading this (thanks) and would like to discuss any of it further, I'll try to respond to your specific situation.
Remember: It's a basic law of physics -
FOR EVERY NEGATIVE THERE IS A CORRESPONDING POSITIVE.
Dear maddie,
You are a truly wonderful,gifted,sensitive human being. I want to read and re-read your post (many thanks for posting a reply) and get back to you on a few points.
The main point I was trying to make was;
I think it's time we trained ourselves "TO ASK BETTER QUESTIONS" of ourselves as opposed to damaging ones. I find it fascinating that we talk to ourselves in a way that we would not dare let other people talk to us in.
Very best wishes,
Barry
everglades
27-11-09, 12:53
ok
but what if u feel that the thoughts are different people inside your head
what if they slip and slide around and you know they are the voices of others from past and present, but you cant find you own voice within them
what do u do when they are the rulers of your mind and you dont have enough of yourself to trust, know, and listen to
what do u do when since a baby you have been told - 'know you dont think like that, feel like that' - even tho u do
what do you do when since a tiny child you have been told ' those aren't your thoughts, they are other peoples, you are just copying'
what do I do - when my own reality has been stolen from me
munkeyinblack
27-11-09, 13:17
Yet another Inspiring post Barry well done. Maddie what a great reply! I definatly think you raise some interesting points.
Right now i feel totally useless because I cant leave my room due to dislocated knees. But this post made me think about everything id achieved before it happened and the things i can do once i can walk again. Watch out for a dancing munkey at a street near you !
Munkey x
ok Dear Everglades, If you really feel that the thoughts inside your head are not just your inner self but different people then I am not qualified to answer. I am sorry.
but what if u feel that the thoughts are different people inside your head
what if they slip and slide around and you know they are the voices of others from past and present, but you cant find you own voice within them
what do u do when they are the rulers of your mind and you dont have enough of yourself to trust, know, and listen to Can you ever find your own thoughts / voice in there?
Like you -- I was told loads of things like that when I was young and also had a very traumatic childhood but these things CANNOT affect our CORE beliefs and CORE VALUES. As we grow up our own values and beliefs of right and wrong become instinct. It's like hypnosis, if I was to put you into a relaxed hypnotic state and suggested you rob a bank, unless you believed this to be a correct thing to do your sub-conscious would refute the suggestion. Try separating the other voices from your own? Listen and trust your own core beliefs and self values?
what do u do when since a baby you have been told - 'know you dont think like that, feel like that' - even tho u do
what do you do when since a tiny child you have been told ' those aren't your thoughts, they are other peoples, you are just copying'
Very best wishes,
barry
what do I do - when my own reality has been stolen from me
No one can steal your own reality -- you are too strong for that!
The main point I was trying to make was;
I think it's time we trained ourselves "TO ASK BETTER QUESTIONS" of ourselves as opposed to damaging ones. I find it fascinating that we talk to ourselves in a way that we would not dare let other people talk to us in.
Very best wishes,
Barry
I agree with you entirely.
However, I think that many of us WOULD let people talk to us like that, especially if, as everglades has experienced, we are talked to that way from childhood.
It's only once we reach the point of recognising the negativity that we can start to change. For some people it is so ingrained in their belief system that they are useless and worthless that it is very difficult to challenge those thoughts and enable them to see otherwise.
everglades
27-11-09, 13:51
thing is i had many many positive things said to me, as well as negative
but actually
i would disagree
and say that my CORE beliefs have been formed by those who nurtured me
that is why they are so confused
as the messges i was getting were equally confused
sorry
i will stop
cos this is a good, positive thread, and i am dragging it down
i appologise
i DO agree that the constant negative thoughts drive us down and spiral out of control - i know it well
Veronica H
27-11-09, 19:05
Thanks for another helpful post Barry......
they are just lousy questions to which the brain will come up with equally LOUSY answers validating your LOUSY question MAKING YOU FEEL EVEN WORSE ABOUT YOURSELF THAN YOU ALREADY DID OR FURTHER CEMENTING YOUR DOWNTRODDEN MISCONCEPTION ABOUT YOURSELF
I know from past experience that it DOES take time to change how we talk to ourselves (because we've been beating ourselves up for so long we're used to feeling like emotional punch bags) but what I do now is each time my inner voice starts criticizing myself (unfairly) I loudly say STOP!!!!!
A lightbulb moment for me with the negative questions as although I tend overthink everything (usually in a negative way:huh:) I also ask myself the wrong questions. I am now going to practice asking the right ones....hope you have had a good day recovery buddy.
:bighug1:Veronica
looking4answers
27-11-09, 20:38
No worries mate.. it will subside .. thanks for the compliment.. Michael
Dear Michael,
You're so lucky -- I wish I could be more like you and not have this inner voice that I often have to say STOP to from being over critical of myself.
Very much like the way that you handle things with your wife. LOL!!
best wishes,
Barry
Hi Maddie -- Thanks for your wonderful reply.
Guilty as charged! :wacko:
Dear Maddie, most of us talk ourselves down -- Personally, even only knowing you a short while on NMP the world is a lovelier place with you here!!
I talk myself down to the point where I am thinking everyone would be better off without me and I'm mentally composing my will to ensure my meager estate will benefit the ones I leave behind as best it can.
I spent so many years being criticised and treated badly that it's hard for me to find worth in myself. Even harder to recognise justifiable pride in my achievements as a good feeling. Excitement and pride are powerful feelings to experience when you are not used to them.Hopefully you will now experience Pride, Excitement and Joy on a regular basis. You have the tools -- it's now just a case of using/finding the manual guide!!!
I agree with Barry - POSITIVITY is the only way out of these horrid debilitating thoughts.
I'll try to go through your list above and rephrase them, as most apply to me. I'll maybe add a few others too. I hope this will help other negative thinkers to see that there are two sides to every coin.
1. I'm no good at this . How can I learn to get good at this if I want to? (Just by asking a better question, our outlook and self worth improves)
Do I want to be? Who's expecting me to be? Is it what I want? We can't all be heart surgeons, but I am good at nurturing children and organising events. Love your reply!!
2. I'm no good at anything. Statement is false (say STOP out loud and ask a better question) How can I get better at this, what do I need to do in order to improve......
OK today is a bad day. The depression and anxiety have a hold. The dishes need doing and I can't even hoover BUT I recognise that. The house won't fall down if I leave it a day. I'm unable to work, have to depend on benefits BUT that is not my fault. My doctors say I've coped extremely well without being hospitalised for what happened to me. I am making progress. I can drive places. I can walk out alone. I've maintained (and strengthened) relationships with my family. I'm excellent supporting my daughter and caring for my grandson. These sound simple, but all take a considerable number of skills to achieve; and they do matter.Give yourself an almighty PAT on the back!!!!
3. Everyone is better than me. Not true (say STOP out loud) Ask yourself a better question!
Maybe. I know I'm no angel (sorry Bill :)) But what do I know? No-one knows what goes on in another person's mind or behind closed doors. How many respectable-looking, supposedly caring people have we seen on the news who are paedophiles? My life at least does no harm to anyone. If I can be happy with my lot, what does it matter what others can/cannot do. I have my own unique strengths and weaknesses to build on.
4. I can't do this STOP! What do I need to do/learn in order to be able to do this.
OK, perhaps I can't today. That doesn't mean I shouldn't try again tomorrow. Maybe break the task down into smaller steps that are easier to achieve. Great reply!
5. I'm useless. See point 3
A tough nut to crack sometimes. When I'm shaking too hard to get the dinner out of the oven without burning myself, can't shop or collect a prescription from the chemist in Asda, remember what I'm doing without lists, or accept an invitation to a party my family want to go to, I feel useless. A diary would help me to see the number of times a week my daughter or parents ring for advice or a chat. I've always been a good listener. I am helping an online friend to work through a sleep programme and I hope some of my responses on nmp give others hope and support. My cats, fish and birds depend on me.
6. I'm such a failure STOP!!
In what way and does it matter to me? OK everyone had high hopes of me as a career person. For various reasons that has fallen apart, but not through any fault of mine. So many people suggest now that I "do a course". I've come to recognise that the external pressure on me to succeed has given me a total revulsion for further study. I know I have (did have :huh:) a good brain. By my own choice, I am not going to use it to study again.
I't seems I'm not good in relationships. I have been divorced, although that was on the grounds of mental cruelty towards me. I am not comfortable living with someone as I do believe in God and his moral code for us. I am at a crossroads now and have decided that the way forward for me is to live alone. Many will see that as failure. For me the fact that I have chosen freely and not allowed others to influence my decision is a very positive step forward.
I may have failed at conforming to society norms, but I am at peace with my inner self.
7. I'm worthless
This is a daily thought. Again, I hang onto the things that I do for my family. Unfortunately my daughter and grandson will be moving away soon and will leave a big void. I have nothing to give anyone else unless I start work on some huge barriers that have gone up throughout my life. I have yet to decide if I want to go through the painful process of knocking them down. Again, the fact that I am making that decision, not meekly having it imposed om me, is a huge positive for me.
I do often have intrusive suicidal thoughts where I think my only value to those I love is to go and leave them my money. Then my little grandson throws his arms round my neck and calls me ganma. I am important to him.
I used to have suicidal thoughts so I know where you are coming from. They were really frightening!!!
Your grandson is LUCKY!!!! ANd so are you!!!!
8. I deserve to fail/to be ill/to have panic attacks/anxiety
I have never thought this because I have never done wrong, always been a victim. (That's a statement I need to revisit) I do ask "why me" when I look out of my window at all the houses with all the people leading normal, happy lives. Yet are they? I don't really know. I do know that happiness cannot be measured against others and their expectaions of you. It has to come from within your own being. Maybe I create an environment in which I'm bound to fail by being a perfectionist and setting too high standards for myself. I know I fear failure because of the repercussions I've suffered since childhood if I didn't get A*** for everything. This of course makes the anxiety worse.
OK I am writing a book here! There were so many examples I could use for each point and I'm sure you wanted brief, concise answers. Unfortunately, life's not like that. Mine, anyway! :)
If anyone manages to get through reading this (thanks) and would like to discuss any of it further, I'll try to respond to your specific situation.
Remember: It's a basic law of physics -
FOR EVERY NEGATIVE THERE IS A CORRESPONDING POSITIVE.
I don't know if you've ever seen the programme here titled "How to look good naked". For those who have never seen it, they take a member of the public who absolutely hates themselves then through a number of confidence boosting techniques they hopefully encourage them to bare all as a model on a catwalk. I might add it's always tastefully done so you never see all!
At the end of the programme, they then compare how they used to be with how they think of themselves afterwards. In appearance the person has not changed so they if they were overweight in the beginning, they're still the same weight at the end.
All that's changed, is how they have been re-taught to think about themselves. In other words, to give them back their confidence that they lost long ago.
These people have looked in the mirror and seen something ugly that they hate but they have never seen the "real" person that others see when they are in their company.
I must admit I'm exactly the same. I can't really believe compliments about my appearance or about the man I am. All I know is I always try my best to please and I can't change who I am. If I rub people the wrong way then so be it. It upsets me but I just have to do what I feel is right that will live with my conscience.
Anyway, one technique I have heard of is where every day for a short while you stand in front of the mirror and instead of thinking bad things about yourself, you replace them by actually looking at yourself whilst saying positive things about yourself. Whether it works or not, I don't know. It's just a technique I heard about.
So for instance, what you could try is replace these questions........
I'm no good at this
I'm no good at anything
Everyone is better than me
I can't do this
I'm useless
I'm SUCH a failure
I'm worthless
I deserve to fail/to be ill/to have panic attacks/anxiety
....and the next time you stand in front of a mirror, look at your eyes and repeat outloud the following....
I AM Good at this
I AM Good at Everything
NO ONE is better than me
I CAN do this
I ALWAYS do my BEST
I ALWAYS Try
I LOVE ME
I am NOT ill
and add one more....
You will NOT bully me because I am NOT afraid of you!
And if that fails, I'll keep reminding you how VALUABLE you are because there are those you do not see or hear who Do Genuinely Value you because they Care!......and you'll find alot of them here!:winks:
Dear Bill,
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!!!!
It's amazing what we can achieve when we put a different perspective on things -- a bit like is your glass half full or half empty!!!!
Best wishes,
Barry
I've No idea if it works or not. It's just a technique I heard about. I can't remember the right word at the moment but they say we should keep reminding ourselves of our good aspects to help us believe in ourselves.
I know I often urge myself on. I can hear myself say "Come on, concentrate!"
Today I had to go for a match which I felt anxious about because the weather was bad and it was a long way. At one point we were stuck at traffic lights and for a moment I started thinking "Will we Ever get there" and "It'll be a Long time being out- I'd rather be home!". When I started thinking these thoughts I could feel myself tense up and becoming anxious so I immediately told myself to "Shut up!" and focus on the "here and now".
Like they say, one day at a time, sometimes I feel we have to focus on one minute at a time! I got myself to think about other things, about what I have to do when I get home, what I'll be doing this week and things to look forward to! I even started thinking about the lovely people on here and how much they're suffering.
The moment then passed and before I knew it we were at the match and I was then thinking about winning!....and yes, we did and on the way home I kept replaying good and bad points, and mistakes I had made. Not to beat myself up though but to remind myself what's done is done and to remember to get it right next time!
Sometimes I feel, we can either keep running ourselves down and focus constantly on bad thoughts making "ourselves" ill with no hope Or we can learn for Ourselves how to make "us" feel better. I know that in a way it sounds harsh, but when I become anxious I Force myself to Focus to make sure the "bully" doesn't ruin my life.
Fear loves to control our lives but fear is like a Ghost. It frightens you but in reality has NO substance. It rules us though by making us "believe" it can harm us so we then need to learn how to "believe in ourselves" and then like a ghost, anxiety melts away because self-confidence conquers fear! I know if I go into a match doubting myself "thinking" I'm going to play badly, I Do but if I go into a match determined, focussed and with self-belief, I know I'll have a much greater chance of winning because I then don't allow anxious thoughts control me. I then control my anxiety.:winks:
Dear Bill,
FEAR = F.E.A.R. -- False Expectations Appearing Real! Please read my thread on it and I welcome your comments. Congratulations on winning by the way (what sport was it?)
Best wishes,
Barry
Well done Bill :hugs: Glad you won! Triumphs help so much to overcome the "near misses"
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