View Full Version : "snap out of it", "pull yourself together" ...
Hi
I was wondering how many of you have, at some point, been told to "just snap of it", to "pull yourself together", etc. by friends/family members/relatives who know about your problems with panic and anxiety?
How do you handle it, does it upset you, do you feel offended, how do you react when you're told something like that?
I seem to get pretty upset when I'm told to "just snap out of it" because I think that the people around me don't understand what I'm going through. They think that I'm weak, lazy, and looking for excuses for not living a normal life. Which is not true! I even doubt it that mental health professionals, psychologists, and psychiatrists understand what it's like to suffer with anxiety and panic ... The only people who truly understand it, are people who have gone through this, such as people on message forums like this one.
A couple of days ago my dad yelled at me and told me to just stop with all that anxiety because in his opinion, I don't have any "real problems" , just imaginary ones. The paradox is that no matter how irrational a certain problem seems to everybody, it can still be a huge issue for the person who has it. I know that he wants me to be OK, to be happy, to live a normal life, but he's "helping me" in a totally wrong way ... He threatened me that if I don't "pull myself together" real soon, he will kick me out of home, so that I can get a taste of what "real problems" are like.
Yeah my dad sometimes tells me to just get on with it....tbh it makes me feel sad and guilty most of the time but then i try and think he just wants me to do well and be ok so.......
Sarah
Hi,
I think we've all had this. My boyfriend did it once and never again...
He decided to learn about it instead ! He never did fully understand but he learnt enough do do and say the right thing whilst I needed him to..
This demonstrates a huge lack of knowledge on his and millions of others peoples part.
If hes interested and caring give him a copy of Claire weekes book that you have heavily hilighted. If hes not caring or interested then you have to learn to manage him and the situations to your best advantage whilst recovering.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
hi lotus ,, yes ive been told it a few times . the trouble is with mental illness no one can see it , iam sure if you had a broken leg they would,nt tell you to hop , skip and jump ..... luv mazzx
Hi Lotus,
Telling someone with anxiety, panic or depression to snap out of it is one the the worst things they can hear.
If only it was that easy, none of us would be here now would we.
My ex used to say to me, pull yourself together, you don't do anything to help yourself, its comments like that, that dont do anything to help us, if people who have never suffered knew how hard every day can be when our anxiety is on a high, I think they would support us more and not make hurtful comments like that.
Don't let it get you down, things will start to get easier.
Take care
Trac xx
'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'
eeyorelover
16-11-05, 16:51
Some in my family still do this. My sister especially thinks 'it's all in your head, just get over it and go on'. I really don't think that they realize the power the mind has and that panic can manifest itself thru physical symptoms that are so powerful that you can't just 'get over it'.
I tried for years to change my family's veiws with no success so I have just decided that they have no idea how hard it is and since they have never been thru it obviously can't understand it.
That's why this site is so valueable. Being around people who know what you are going thru really does help.
Sandy
(eeyorelover)
If the world didn't suck... we'd all fall off :)
my parents tend to understand, but they dont fully know what it is that is wrong. But my co-workers tell me whenever i am having a panick attack "aww come on chill out nothing is wrong" and of course if i could just "chill out" i would!!! Its horrible when people associate panick attacks as a excuse to get out of something, i would atucally love working if i didnt feel so horrible when i was doing it
Oh my goodness, do I ever know how this feels,
People, in their lack of knowledge, tend to think that you are just an anxious person who gets all upset over nothing. What they don't realize is that we are very strong, courageous people, not just weaklings who cannot control their actions.
If the shoe was ever on the other foot, they would certainly understand. I recently had a friend call to say, "I just had to call EMS to my home because I thought I was dying, they told me I was having a panic attack," she went on to say " I never knew what you were going through, this was the worst experience I've ever had, I truly thought I was going to die" I told her I was so sorry she would ever have to go through this but if she needed any advice I have become a self proclaimed expert on anxiety and panic disorder LOL!
I hope your dad comes around and realizes that even though "It's all in our head" our bodies feel the effects and that panic attacks are as real as any other illness. You are not alone!
Terri Lynn
I know this feelin comment like this set of an instant panic attack for me. I get so defencive and things get out out control real fast it's just npot funny I end up shuting down so bad or running out so fast that i feel I cant go back anymore or see that person again.
I hate it so much. I wish I get over it.
nomorepanic
16-11-05, 21:03
Alex did it to me once and then wondered why the phone went dead. He has never said it again.
Now he understands it more - that is all people need - some understanding and knowing what it is like.
We have to try and make them realise that we are not alone - coming on here may help do that if they would be prepared to read some of the info.
Nicola
I can remember my Dad not having a clue what was wrong with me when I first started having panic attacks. He'd just say something like - "don't worry about it" (if only I'd thought of that!!).
I feel that some people will never understand what a panic attack means even if they took the time to read about it.
If you've ever known anyone go through a life threatening event, be it a heart attack or an accident for example, you may have noticed a change. They often become a lot more sympathetic to other people's problems and are able to empathise more. This, I feel is down to the fact they have been through the same extreme emotions as someone having a panic attack - the fear that they are going to die.
To me at least, it takes an experience like this to make people re-evaluate there lives and their beliefs on subjects such as anxiety etc.
take care,
Davey
Hi Lotus - my family have all been really sympathtic but two weeks ago my mum was driving at night with a car full of people when a deer jumped out in front of her car. Thankfully (and god knows how) she managed to swerve, miss the deer and stay on the road but she said for the first time ever she truly understood what I went through with a PA as she said her heart was bouncing around her body, throat tight, palms sweating, fast breathing racing pulse etc all the way home and for about two hours afterwards.
She kept apologising to me for days afterwards - it may be a mental illness but the physical symptoms are very real and until you experience them you never really know.
Take care and get your comfort here.
Sue K with 5
19-11-05, 01:23
I would print off some of the information you can find on various help sites including this one and hand it to the next person who says that to you !
I would tell them to read it, digest and then come back and repeat it !
Might find they tell a differant story!
Dont take any notice ! If it were that easy we would not be on here posting on this forum or on this thread!
Take care
Sue with 5
scknight
Hi Lotus,
Sorry about your Dad not understanding.
I to have had this said a few times to me and it is horrid. People don't realise it's not as easy as that.
It's like when you go to the Dr's if it's something they can see they have all the sympathy for you. but when it's inside your mind it's a different matter and some can be quite unsympathetic.
Take care,
Love PIP'S X X
Hi Lotus,
I get this all the time from my mum and sister.......Its not becasue they don't care, its just simple.....they don't understand.
I get comments like "well I know someone that is going through a divorce so unlike you (me), they have a reason to be down and depressed" from my mum...
This used to upset me but I know she cares but doesn't always say the right things.
As long as you have this website with people who ARE and HAVE been through the same things....you'll be fine.
Take care
Sal x [:X]
Hi Lotus,
I was told this when I was 17 when I had my first bout of depression. I had my first panic attack just after having a huge row with my dad.
I went to a party and couldn't cope with it and my older sister was there. I said I had to go and she wasn't happy with leaving to walk me to get a taxi, so she just turned round and said those delightful words!!! "Just snap out of it! You're dragging everyone down with you! You are so selfish and pathetic!"
I felt awful when she said that and cried non stop for 3 days.
She told me everyone was fed up of putting up with my moods and sob stories! That was the last straw and my mum, who had also suffered from anxiety and depression found me a counsellor, which my dad wasn't very happy about and said to talk to him and give him the money I would give for my therapy! He couldn't understand!
It ended up I got better through my counselling and my Mum tried to get my dad to understand.
Then my sister (the one who said those nice things to me!) started suffering with anxiety, I stood by her and gave her all my support and helped her get out of it.
Now after 5 years of being "fine" I had a break down 3 years ago and it seems everyone is a lot more sympathetic.
Unfortunately there is a lot of ignorant people still around me who don't get it, and being honest I am one of them!
I still haven't forgiven my sister for saying those things to me and I can never forget that 1st panic attack, but I felt a much stronger person after those things were said to me, it took a while but I got there. And so will you!
Take care,
Looby
xxx
peoplelikeus
06-01-08, 23:20
actually someone from this site told me in the chat room that it was all in my head!!! lol
It may well be but what a stupid thing to say!
louwilliams
07-01-08, 00:29
I have had this from every single person in my life, and still do. my partner being the worse for it. i understand how difficult and fraustrating this illness is for our loved ones and family member to have to live with someone going throught this. is is so disruptive and invasive into evryones lives. but recently, after 2 years old being told to "pull myself together, snap out of it, stop being lazy and using this as n excuse", i told my boyfriend that i was never going to get better while i was with him and he either tried to understand it and help or we were over. simple as that. lo and behold, he has agreed to come to CBT with me and at least give it a try.
i knew that everytime he said something derisive or negative about my illness, it was only making it worse and realised that i had to do something about it. never the less, this time he has actually listened, i also read out some passages from claire weekes books, to try to impress upon him that its not just me and something ive made up. that this is real.
anyway, good luck and try to get as much information as you can and try to get across, as subtley as you can, the impact that this has on your life, and not only theirs
take care and good luck hun xxxxxxxxxx
I'm very lucky that my GP is a sufferer and understands perfectly.
Phill :shades:
I think this 'snap out of it, pull yourself together' thing is something relatives and friends say when they mean well but just don't understand. Unfortunately all invisible illnesses get this reaction from time to time.
My girlfriend's mum has a friend who lost an arm, and my girlfriend gets comments like 'pull yourself together, my one armed friend goes out more than you' etc! Whilst I think these kind of comments from people we know can be hurtful, we tend to see the funny side now and it's become an in joke, so when there's something one of us finds difficult like going to the supermarket we put on silly voices and say things to each other like 'my one armed friend could go to Sainsbury's'. I know it's silly but you can either feel hurt and resentful when people say things like 'pull yourself together', or you can have a giggle about the way relatives just have no idea!
Ben
You can't really expect people to understand things they've never experienced for themselves, but it is annoying when they don't seem to even try.
I find a well aimed "Duh! I would if I could! Do you think I ENJOY feeling like this?!" works fairly well :)
.. followed by "Congratulations on Not Having A (beeep) Clue!" if it doesn't.
It's best to have some fun with it :D
Lilith1980
07-01-08, 12:26
Lol, yes I've had this. I've been told on a couple of occasions to just "sort it out" by my b/f.
And I have said "Do you really think I would have let myself suffer with this for 14 years on purpose?"
He doesnt understand, he does try to but its frustrating for both of us. To be honest I am thinking of giving him something to read just so he gains some level of understanding. Does anyone have any suggestions? He's not a "book person" so I dont want to give him wads of information, just an overview so at least he has a rough idea.
Would it be ok for me to use the stuff on NMP do you think? Would he get it?
Wow Phil who is your Gp ? wish i was in his catchment area LOL x
my new doctor and nurses are nice and want to help but i appreciate it is difficult for them to understand.
Just got this book on a specific phobia and i'm going to give to my husband and family to read in the hope that it might explain some things to them
fingers crossed x
Richie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
thats the one thing that gets me snap out of it like saying jump to the moon lol just relax and chill with nice music
If we could snap out of it we would. Nobody WANTS to feel so crap!Excuse my French! What an idiotic, ignorant, unthinking, insensitive, thick thing to say to anybody! Oh it makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad!
Yep it makes me mad.
Why on earth would we choose to feel/live like this if we had the choice.
I'm lucky I have a really supportive family around me. My friend had a nervous breakdown and her family were so horrible to her. Her mother in law just didnt understand - until a few years later when she was really unwell. Doc told her she was suffering with anxiety - she is completely different with my friend now.
I wouldnt wish anxiety on anyone but it is true you'll never fully understand it unless you suffer from it.
summersmum
05-03-10, 11:12
dont worry your not alone i think everyone at some point has been told that!
Every day, i wish i could if i had all the money in the world i would hand it straight over to be free.
hiya yes i have had it off my mumand nan saying your not doing anything to help yourself your making yourself worse get all the thoughts out of your head.i say to them how can you say that to me when none of you no even no what its like :mad:
I think it limits who I would talk to about how I feel. I did make the mistake of sharing my feelings with someone who is not very sympathetic. Everything becomes about this person so all I got was "I have bad days and just get on with it" - a bad day to this person, is nothing like the days many of us have. The most hurtful thing came last week. I had the 24 hour heart monitor on and this person just laughed, thought it was some kind of joke as though I was anxious about the palps for no reason.
So...the person wonders why I don't bother telling much about how I feel
Jannie2948
05-03-10, 22:57
Know exactly what you mean, if only they could live inside our head for a few hours and see what is happening and what it feel like. I would not wish this on my worst enemy! No one has actually said to me 'pull yourself together' but before I suffered with anxiety/panic I too thought it was something that you could just snap yourself out of, oh boy was I mistaken! I am now absolutely horrified by the feelings that you can have with this illness. I am gradually improving though, with the help of medication and lots of reading and of course NMP and my sons and work colleagues have been absolutely wonderful to me. I am going to come out of the other side of this and get my happy contented life back again.
Jannie x x
Other half says......
'Snap out of it, Ive had to live with this for four years'
'Its all in your head'
Even if I have a legitimate cold or at the moment sciatica (which is real - doctor and physio have diagnosed!) Its all in my head. Oh well.......But my Mum is brilliant!!
Jannie2948
06-03-10, 07:53
Haven't been with my "other half" (oh how I hate that saying!!) for years, thank goodness. He was the kind of person that would have said exactly that 'pull yourself together'. Thank goodness I raised my 2 sons alone and they are wonderful caring young men and have been there for me through this illness, in fact one of them has been staying with me because he could see I could not be on my own and he totally gets how I am feeling and will sit and talk with me through the bad times, bless him :-) In the first days when I was off work with it, my youngest son who is married used to come and 'baby-sit me' and take me out for walks and it was so good of him. If I felt awful he used to bring me back home and sit with me.
It must be blooming awful to have someone close to you and not get how you are feeling. If only they could feel it for a few hours they would soon change their mind!!
I wish you well ZoJo and hope that you soon start to feel better, I had sciatica some years ago and I know just how painful it is, no way comfortable to sit. I hope you soon start to feel better.
Jannie x x
My husband said it once and i went ballistic this was from the person who has PTSD 4 the last 10 years i never told him 2 snap out of it even when i was working full time in an extremely stressful job and then coming home to all the housework and cooking meals when i finally crashed i think he thought i would recover over night have GAD. Getting there slowly used to say yes to every 1 just to keep the peace my counsellor told me i have to b more assertive without being aggressive learn 2 say no more, easier said than done with some people who wont or cant take no 4 an answer. Would love to put the shoe on their foot 4 a while c how they feel may not b so bloody judgemental then would they.
sb001f8994
06-03-10, 15:41
Yes I agree, two of the worst phrases known to man! If only it was as easy as 'pulling yourself together' or 'snapping out of it'...Id have been cured many years ago!!!
Yes I agree, two of the worst phrases known to man! If only it was as easy as 'pulling yourself together' or 'snapping out of it'...Id have been cured many years ago!!!
Ha ha Carole...if they ever invent the perfect medicine for anxiety, they could call it "pulling yourself together" or "snapping out of it"
sorry I know its not at all funny but....
Some people would say that to a person even if their leg was hanging off...some people have absolutely no sympathy or tolerance
blackberry1972
08-03-10, 15:25
I often say this to myself, I just wish it were that easy
Yes i have been told that many times. Now i just say sarcastically " What, you mean thats all i have to do? Well why didn't i ever think of that!" or "Nah, i like feeling like im dying every single day" :wacko:
charlotte83
10-03-10, 11:28
My mum is understanding in one way but thinks that I make a "fuss" about my anxiety and is convinced that the medical profession are too nice and make a "fuss". I think she thinks that if they didn't label the way we felt as anxiety/OCD/depression etc then we would all be better as they are "putting idea's in our heads". I told her that these things have always existed, its just that for such a long time before they were recognized people suffered in silence and probably thought they were losing it and had no help. I mean in the victorian times people with mental health conditions as well as even learning difficulties got locked up in asylums and labelled as idiots and imbolceles!!! How the hell would that have helped anyone!!?
I think people are very sympathetic when someone has a physical illness, and rightly so but it doesn't seem fair that people think we bring our problems on ourselves. Surely if it were that easy to "snap out of it" or "pull ourselves together" then surely we all would have by now. Who would choose to suffer when we didn't have to, nobody!
My sister inlaw accused me of ' faking an illness' and also said 'oh i used to have panic attacks, just breath into a bag its no big deal'. :mad:
She also said i let my kids down by not doing normal things with them because of my 'imaginary illness'.....
Needless to say i have not spoken to her since!
I know it's a selfish thing to say, and really I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but sometimes I can't help wishing that everyone experienced panic/anxiety (esp when it leads to agoraphobia) at least once in their lives, then they would understand. I know it's not their fault, but as so many people on here have said, unless it's a physical injury people can see, they won't understand. There is still a large stigma attatched to this and many people do still believe it's a sign of weakness. Do they really think we would choose to be like this? And the hardest thing is, most of us know how to recover i.e change our way of thinking, keep facing our fears until they no longer scare us etc, but putting it into practise is harder than anyone can imagine. They think you can just say "right I'm not going to be scared anymore" and you are cured overnight. There is nothing worse than to be told you are getting worse, not better, when you are constantly battling your fears and keeping going, no matter how much it wears you down. I have to keep reminding myself, we are not the weak people - it's easy for them to do things without a second thought, as we all used to be able to, as it doesn't scare them. We are the strong people by constantly putting ourselves in situations which we know will scare us, that is true bravery.
its not selfish i wish it all the time i say to my husband if just for one day u could feel the way i do you would understand! his answer??......i wouldnt want to!!! i have suffered anx pa agrophobia for 24 YEARS so my answer to anyone who tells me to pull myself together or snap out of it or get a grip is this.......if it was that easy dont you think i would of done it if it was so easy i would not have given it 24 minutes of my life never mind 24 YEARS ! x
I also wish that some people could feel the way I do just for a day. It's not because I want them to suffer, it's just so that they can REALLY understand how I feel every day of my life. We are really strong people to be able to carry on as we do, facing our fears and the terrible bodily symtoms we suffer on a daily basis. Sometimes an hour seems like a week. I often wonder how I will get through another day.
My hubbie has told me a few times that I'm fighting a losing battle, not making any progress and really need to get on top of it all. (sometimes just when I actually am starting to feel a bit better, so that really knocks my confidence again). I feel like saying "Oh yes dear you're right. I'll stop messing about now and enjoying feeling like crap every day and just get back to normal!" Why do people seem to think we enjoy feeling like this and aren't making enough effort to get better? It really annoys me.
Oh well, rant over!
Judy.xxx
Downsinthenorth
18-03-10, 10:40
Hi Judy
Yes, it's really hurtful when people, especially those close to us, say these bloody unhelpful things. Who would honestly want to feel so frightened every day of their lives? I think you have to go through it yourself to really understand.
On the positive side though, I find my problems HAVE made me better able to empathise with other people with difficulties.
hi
iv been having attacks for nearly 2 years and iv bottled it up 4 that long that i broke down and couldnt handle it anymore i got told 2 snap out of it an pull myself 2gether because i have 2 kids 2 look after but its hard and certainly dose not help. talk 2 ppl u can trust and come on here im just new 2 the site but already the info is really helping put my mind at ease
sam
I feel like saying "Oh yes dear you're right. I'll stop messing about now and enjoying feeling like crap every day and just get back to normal!" Why do people seem to think we enjoy feeling like this and aren't making enough effort to get better? It really annoys me.
Oh well, rant over!
Judy.xxx
:doh: If only it were that easy we would all "pull ourselves together" like a shot wouldn't we, because feeling like this is SUCH fun. :scared15:
My ex used to say this to me until one day he had sudden pains in his chest and had to go to A&E, wired up to a monitor and all that jazz, he was obviously frightened and his adreneline kicks in , his heart was beating like crazy, his hands and legs was shaking uncontrollably, his mouth was dry, breathing was fast and deep ect... turns out he had strained his muscles in his chest working on a car the day before and there was nothing untoward going on ( thank god! ) anyway he said to me '' This is how you feel when you go shopping of collect the kids from school or whatever, how do you do it?'' He never again told me to snap out of it, he said how on earth did i manage to carry on with those intense feelings day after day... i said, because i have to.
I really think to understand panic-anxiety-depressing you really have to live it, or at least taste it.
my dad was like that, one time i was half way through a panic attack and he said you havent got any major problems so just stop it -- only you can help yourself, i feel so alone, i have derealization btw and even while i write this right now, i feel dreadfully derealized and headaches faceaches face hotflush, my dads a bit better now but just sick of it, but if i could just snap out of it I WOULD !:(
During my first 'phase' of PAs etc - I got sent home from work. Imagine, ladies and gents, that your parent cares more about "losing your job" than if you, yourself are okay?
Since then I've had to fight this crap with my bare hands alone.
To Iliketrains,
Terrible, I am so glad I am not such a person:hugs: I was told to snap out of it by a person who now is in a bad place. I reminded them of what was said to me, there was silence.
Take care everyone
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