Housebound with agoraphobia and terrified of visitors

[bluedaisy]

I feel like my agoraphobia is getting worse and worse. I have been agoraphobic for 3 1/2 years and housebound for a year. Most days I can't even go into the garden, but I try and do so as often as possible.

For the last eight months or so I have been terrified of having anyone over to visit. My anxiety goes through the roof when I know anyone is coming over and I have to fight so hard not to panic with people in the house. As soon as they leave I usually do end up panicking as I can't hold onto it any longer.

A few months ago a close friend came over for lunch and I felt reasonably ok, and then the next day we had an electrician in as the electrics had gone in one part of the house. I was incredibly anxious the whole time he was there. The following morning I woke up and started panicking almost straight away. I was in a state of extreme anxiety / constant panic attack for two weeks, at several points I felt like I wanted to die rather than go through it. Since then I've not invited any of my friends over to visit as I haven't been able to face the consequences afterwards. Although my o/h has had a few friends over occasionally for an hour or so, which I've just about coped with by hiding upstairs for most of their visits.

But I have a close friend coming to stay the night in two weeks time and I have no idea how I'll manage it. She's emigrating to the US and flying out from an airport near me. I may not see her again for a long time, and haven't seen her for a year as it is. I would hate to cancel, but I'm terrified :weep:

Does anyone else with agoraphobia suffer from a fear of people visiting? If so, how do you cope?

[maddie]

I have the same fears. I've even hid behind the kitchen door when my parents have turned up unexpectedly at the door. My house is my safe place and the only place I can have control over. The only time I've had workmen in I closed all the doors except to the room they had to go in. Last summer a cousin from overseas came and I entertained her in the garden.

I think control is the issue here. And fear that we will reveal something of ourselves in our home that we don't want others to know. It's our private space and people coming in almost feels a violation of ourselves.

I would suggest that for your friend's visit, you rehearse what she is likely to do in your home. Where will she sit, sleep, eat, wash. Then control those environments. If there's a chair you don't want her to sit on, put something on it so she will go to another one. If there are ornaments, pictures, you want kept private, put them away for her visit. A few flowers in her bedroom will make her feel welcome, without great effort or anxiety on your part. Practice recipes for what you want to give her to eat. Prepare as much of it as you can before her arrival.

This might sound extreme, but it is what I would do. Then, when she arrives you will hopefully be able to enjoy your time with her. She will have lots to talk about regarding her move. Ask her all about it. People like to feel you are interested in what they are doing and it will keep the focus off you. When she leaves, relax. Don't confuse relief at having your space back with anxiety.

Good luck. I do hope you enjoy it :hugs:

[looking4answers]

I have been like that.. sort of housebound and have company and freak out and then there are other times I come and go but are keenly not interested in talking to people or if they drop by unexpected ..I get really nervous and kind of just well ansi I guess you would call it. Im not sure why this happens but in my life there have been times when my anxiety would go through the roof with an unexpected guess and then there have been times it was the greatest thing that could have happened.. Good luck to you .Michael

[lc2613]

if our landlord is popping in i freak because he doesn,t know when to leave, a house is your safe haven but with someone in it sometimes it feels as though you may as just go stand outside.does your friend understand what you are going through. even my closest friend when she says shes popping in i start to feel paniky but tell her if i feel funny dont take offence im having a bad day you might have to go but the reasurance is it has never happens as soon as we get chatting its hours so you will dread the visit but try and find a way you can be in control but honestly you will prob end up having a good laugh and realising there was no need to feel anxious! good luck xx

[looking4answers]

The best thing to do is tell them.. AHH you caught me at a really bad time I was just on my way out..Or . I think I might have the swine flu.. might want to stay outside.. and oh get yourself a sanitizer they can use on their hands after being near you or suggest it anyway .

Don't shake hands or hug or nothing and keep covering your mouth.. like you don't want to spread germs.. It works here. lol We have people come by from time to time unannounced.. they do that here I don't know why but they think they have an open invitation or something but the sickness thing works pretty good. lol. Sorry but some people just can't take a hint.. Michael

[bluedaisy]

Thanks for your replies :)

I haven't managed to have anyone in the house for longer than a couple of hours without feeling extremely anxious and panicky, and my partner has always had to be here if anyone at all visits. I've realised that he won't be around when my friend comes as he is working that weekend and cannot book the time off as no leave is allowed over Xmas period (unless booked weeks in advance).

So, I am now faced with having someone visit for 48 hours (she's asked to stay 2 nights) - 44 hours longer than the longest visit I've coped with this year. And on my own as my partner will be out at work - 13 hour days with the commute.

As I am now phobic of having people here it is the same level of terror as if I were contemplating going out on my own.

Maddie - thank you for your tips :) Unfortunately I don't think I react to where people sit/what they look at etc ... it's simply the fact of them being in the house at all.

How on earth can I do it? It feels absolutely impossible :weep:

I hate anxiety, it makes life hell.

[Alabasterlyn]

I do think this is a tough one as although I agree it's a good idea to be open and tell someone about your anxiety, not everyone is going to be able to understand. Let's face it, even someone who has anxiety might not understand agoraphobia :ohmy:

Over the years I've had countless times when I haven't let someone in the house as it would make my anxiety worse. That even included my parents at one time and I just wouldn't answer the door. They knew I had anxiety and agoraphobia but just thought I was being 'silly' not letting them in.

I'm much better now at letting people in, although I still don't like anyone who is going to come for too long or workmen either. I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to get my partner to come home if a workman is coming round.

If I were in your position I think I'd maybe have a back up plan that your friend would be able to relate to. Maybe say to your friend that at the moment you are suffering with some physcial illness that might mean you may need to go and lie down on your own for awhile while she is there. I know it might sound a bit deceitful, but it's hard for someone who doesn't understand to relate to the awful symptoms that we feel.

Often if we have a 'safe place' in the house to retreat to when visitors are around, like the bedroom for example, it takes away the pressure and that in itself will often make us feel more relaxed and better able to cope with company.

[lc2613]

right if you are really that worried i would make my excuses for the first night partners buisness dinner or something that you are staying away and could she make it down the following evening that way all you have to get through is dinner a couple of hours and bed and the next day she would be leaving it may be to extreame for you but it is just an idea if you really don,t think you could handle it and you don,t seem rude xx

[lc2613]

p.s michael i wish i had as much front as that lol think i may have to practice it on my neighbours lol

[bluedaisy]

Thanks for replies :)

I think I'm going to ask her just to come for one night and my o/h has agreed to phone in sick for one of the days (although he doesn't want to)so I will only have to be on my own with her for a short time on the day she leaves for the airport.

I find it so upsetting that one of my closest friends is emigrating and god only knows when we'll see each other again and I'm doing my best to limit the hours we have to say goodbye.

[fishman65]

Hi Bluedaisy,I can fully sympathise with your situation.I'm not as bad as I was a few years back but there was a time when I would drink three cans of carlsberg special brew just to let in a workman or visitor.Either that or I'd not let hem in at all.If there was a friend calling I could usually let them in as long as I could tell them how I was feeling.And I certainly know that feeling of guilt at having to go to such drastic measures when we are dealing with friends or family we care about.Its good though that you have come to a decision,perhaps this will ease your mind and you might not have such a traumatic time when you come to entertain your friend.

Take care now, Fishy

[cupcakes2009]

Hi ive just seen your post, it was like something i would have written a few years back. I use to sit and cry at the thought of my husbands mum and Brother coming for the afternoon on a Saturday or his dad and partener visiting as they would stay all day, now i can DO IT!! I use to have a panic attack, scry, scream anything to make the feelings go away, i use to beg my husband to ask them not to come, but he done the right thing and said come on there not going to hurt you, take your space away from you, if you wanted them to leave they would understand. He always said that if i wanted to get out at anytime i could, i could go into another room hard when its a small house, i could get to my bedroom and relax etc and now im fine and i can sit with them and chat and it feels great. I also have Agraphobia and could not go out, now i can, dont get me wrong i still have it i still have panic attacks the ful works but im so getting use to them and i will beat it if its the last thing i do on this earth!

Do you have any tablets to help? i was given Diazepam for when i was bad and they have saved me and calmed me down when i have needed them most.

Feel free to pm me at anytime if you fancy a chat

Katy xx

[bluedaisy]

Thanks for your replies :)

Well, I have bitten the bullet and my friend is actually coming for two nights and leaving in the evening of the third day. My o/h is able to be here the whole time which makes it easier, although still very difficult. I know I'll be panicky and find it hard, and may have to hide in my room to calm down a bit at times, but I'm telling myself that even if it's three days of panic hell, my friend is worth it and I want to spend time with her before she goes.

She arrives on Thursday evening, so please wish me luck. I hope my current bravery / determination to face it doesn't disintegrate the second she knocks at the door!

Katy - no diazepam as I a have a phobia of meds unfortunately. I completely relate to what you say - I have been similar recently with the crying and begging the o/h to cancel visits from friends and family etc. It's very hard to face having people here ... but this time I'm determined to try. I'm glad you're now able to have visitors and be out and about. Gives me hope when i read that other people have got through this!

[121149knitting]

Hi, I don't come on very much but did tonight and I can idetify all you have said. \The funny thing is I do want to have a chat with friends BUT recently my 2nd cousin came. She only stayed an hour...felt 3 days and I go through all thins like I get hotter and hotter, feel dizzy and try to tell myself I won't die. I was lucky as Tom was here and he is retired so its easy for him to be here but I have started to worry about when he dies... I am on my own then to do these things. Something has to change soon, I don't fancy being like this forever. I am rambling ..sorry. Sandrax

[pjb]

hey blue daisy,
so how did th visit go?

ps i have agoraphobia too and have trouble when people come over. for me, i found that i get panicky if i'm anticipating their arrival and do better when people just pop in. but am usually panicky the first 15-20 minutes, and try to find something to distract myself with or focus on during that time, like doodling, playing the guitar, keeping my hands busy while still being in the midst of conversation. after that initial period, i usually calm down and relax kinda like the hurricane has just blown over me. If i run and hide or excuse myself, it only gets worse. the easiest way was to just face the situation, go through the minor sensations rather than fleeing the scene, being frustrated, and closer to a full blown panic attack.
I did go through a period when I couldn't have people over at all or even talking to people on the phone got me panicky. That has passed, and I'm a little better, but it's usually a 50/50 chance if I'll feel comfortable with someone coming over. It helps to have other people in the room that can take over the conversation.
But I totally feel you. I'm having a similar situation myself. My boyfreinds' siblings are visiting this month & will stay about a week and I just don't know how I'm going to deal with it. We have a very small place, so they'll be sleeping on the couch.
It might be a little easier to deal with though as they both have suffered from anxiety attacks and know that I do too. And they're younger and cool people, so might end up having fun, but still am a little freaked out about it.