I Feel Like Im Dying Everyday A Little..Going Towards The Great Abyss

[looking4answers]

For the last few years..at times I feel so bad..I feel there is no one that really understands me.I feel lost but yet im not. I feel alone but yet im not.

I have so much to be thankful for and yet I feel numb.Im scared and then depressed to the point of not being scared. I really feel myself dying. For the last few days I have had a doom feeling. I can't shake it. Usually these only last for the day and I feel better..

Im worried..Im really worried..I don't want to die.. I have been to the doctors and well they don't seem to concerned with anything about my health. Somedays I feel so bad inside the house. I get up and get out and I do things and think this will probably make me feel worse and when I find it doesn't its strange..

My wife talks all the time about going places or maybe getting a winter home somewhere . I listen and agree but Im thinking I want be around to enjoy doing what she is talking about. Its going to be Christmas and I should be happy.. My wife is busy ordering things on the internet for the grandkids and
nieces and nephews and such..

She even bought her a few things and some slippers for me.. I have looked at some sites that I normally buy from ,and even got an order ready but didn't buy.Something inside of me keeps me from it because I think I might not be here when it comes..meaning dead..

Other times I say why should I order that ? For the person that inherits what I have to use..Its sucks..I can't shake this feeling.. I see no future, I feel no future and in the past I have always been able to see the future and know there was one.

I feel that my time is limited although I have no symptoms of anything in particular.. This blood pressure worry has surely gotten to me too.. I am a little scared to let go to much because I feel I will over do and might die.. although at this moment I feel as though Im sure to.

Maybe its the time of year.. Every year until the first of the next year passes I always wonder if I will be here to enjoy the next year. I breathe a sigh of relief on New Years day ..

I feel confused and just something isn't right. Im not sure if anyone of you even knows the old song by the Beatles. "No Where Man" ..The words.. is nowhere man making all his nowhere plans for nobody.. I have felt this so much over the past few years.. Like im making plans I ll never see through..

Also lately we have been thinking about moving back to Louisiana but im even confused about that. I grew up in the south of Louisiana and also some of the Northeast section and although at times I miss it I wonder.. really wonder will I be happy there . I start getting excited about perhaps finding a place there and then I think .. What if I can't breathe there?

Most people fear high altitude with not being able to breathe.. My body has adjusted to all that and the dry climate. .They say there is a reverse feeling of too much oxygen that affects people and the humidity is overwhelming and you feel as though you can't breathe.. Im worried about this..

In someways I feel stuck.not wanting to live here yet scared to move for what will happen.Am I strong enough. and I well enough? I don't know the answer.. Im really scared but I want to and need to do something.

I don't want to just let go and die here. Like I said much of this probably doesn't make any sense to many of you but I appreciate you reading it.. Im at the stage where making up my mind has become more and more difficult and I was never like that. I was always sure footed and knew what to do and planned it out and executed it exactly .That is one reason we probably didn't get caught in the storm in New Orleans and another is I made plans got the kids going and kept pushing until we all got our homes fixed packed and moved.. I knew what to do ,now im not sure anymore of anything.

I feel no matter what I do im going to die.. Im destined to .. and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't make plans because I wont be around to go through with them and im useless as a companion for my wife.. since I don't add a whole lot to our existence although she says I do..

I just can't seem to shake this feeling at all.. Im doomed.. doomed and can't stop whatever has started in motion for my end..You say talk to a therapist. .There are none here within 200 miles..I don't want to go that far.. I just have to work this out someway.. Its like waiting for something and you aren't for sure what it is.. So weird. Anyway sorry about the long post but I needed to voice this as its what I have felt in the last few years and now it seems its coming to a major point ,what that point is I don't know. Michael

[Captain America]

i know exactly where you're coming from. i've been going through this myself. the funny part is, when i was better over the summer, it was only after i accepted the fact that i am going to die someday, and there is nothing i can do to stop it, that i finally started to let go. it's like you have to be willing to die in order to live. last year i bought a really nice gift for my son, and literally thought to myself that it may be the last thing he gets from me so i better make it a good one.

i did talk to a therapist about this before, and she had me write letters to my family as if i had actually died. that was heartbreaking. i did learn a lot about what it is i fear most about death. not sure if that's the way you want to go but i did provide me some relief for a while. it was emotionally taxing though.

i do wish i could just be myself again. if there was an 'i don't give a sh*t' pill, i'd take it. or better yet, a 'think like a teenager again' pill.

sadly, beyond what i've said i don't have much to add. i do sympathize though. hang in there...lots of us feel this too, although i know that probably doesn't help either.

[looking4answers]

Thanks Captain..its just that I need so desperately to hear from people like you that feel the way I do..Somehow its comforting.. I don't think im afraid of death..I just think that I don't want to leave this life..although im 55 and have had a good life ,its just thinking about the moment it will happen.. what will you be doing .riding down the road.. planning what you are doing for holiday ,.feeding the animals or playing with them , drawing a new drawing and die.. Its funny for years I had a death wish..some of the most free times in my life where I actually felt life was good..Odd huh? When you loose the fear of fear it releases you to really life..

The bad thing during those times I actually felt half way decent.. Now everyday a headache a throat ache or a chest ache or something..Its always an ache or pain..and then if you feel too good you worry about that. Fear death not really because its probably pretty much like you were not born. You didn't know time pasted and ages came and went..Im hoping its like that I suppose. but feeling deep inside like you described a feeling of doom. I just hate it.

Afraid to enjoy myself knowing the next minute could be my last.. I don't know I wish I could take one of those pills too. Maybe its the fact that for the first time in my life I have been steadfast and know what I wanted to do and had a dream..

I have had many of my dreams raised my family and they are grown.. For the first time in my life Im wishy washy meaning indecisive. I don't make no plans,,because I have this eerie feeling of not being around to go through with them. .

I hate it . I don't even know myself anymore and for the first time in my life I can't even depend on myself.. I was always sure in the past I could depend at least on myself.. now I fear for what I don't know.. What if a situtation arises that needs another fast descion
and its a matter of life and death ,could I do it?

So many things have changed in me over the years that were so rock solid built into me but they have faded into oblivion.. I just don't know what has happened.. Did Katrina do this to me? Was it this place that has done it to me? Is it the seclusion that we have lived here has done this to me? Or have I just lived to long and I have done this to me?

I used to not care whether anyone spoke to me nor if anyone posted to me but now im so sensitive it bothers me... Like it should bother me? lol Im not needy like that? Thats not me..? Anyway listen guy. .I appreciate you sharing with me.. it made me feel better and its always nice to have someone reply that has felt the way you do or at least lets you know you aren't alone.. thanks again ..Michael

[Mya]

I feel just like you Michael. I always had a tradition that the weekend after Thanksgiving I would put out my Christmas decorations. I haven't even remembered that until today when I noticed it was December 1st. I cannot understand why I feel no interest in absolutely anything. I used to love to read, shop, watch movies, go to plays, all that. Now I am a prisoner of my mind. My husband bought me all new appliances and have no excitement at all about them. Nothing "tangible" satisfies me. Christmas is nothing I look forward to because I have no desire for any material things. The only things that makes me happy is to take care of others and see them happy- the way I am right now I cannot even do that. I feel like I my life is ultimate boredom. Nothing sparks any interest in my brain. I feel like Groundhog Day everyday. I see everyone around me living their lives, but then I wonder, maybe they are not happy either and are fed up too. This is a hard time of year to deal with anxiety and depression on top of the worrying of the holidays. I know you live far away from help but I suggest you find a therapst that can do a phone consultation with you. They have to exist.

I know you are a bit older than me, but maybe you remember this from your kids and others. You will probably laugh, but this is what is played in my brain all the time. I guess my childhood is really coming out in me during these bad times. Maybe part of my problem is I never wanted to grow up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW8HqoDV_lM&feature=related

[looking4answers]

Thats a pretty cute sesame street video.. I grew up with captain Kangeroo.. and bunny rabbit.. Sometimes I think about my childhood but mostly confusion sets in with my age.I never thought I would live this long so i didn't prepare.. now that im here I don't want to get too comfortable.. I just started making another order on the internet determined to see it through but much like yourself at this stage im sure that nothing is going to help me right now.I used to buy things and set them aside when they come in. I don't want to do this anymore.I want to be excited about getting something and I can't..

I remember the movie groundhog.. it would suck.. but its pretty much been that way here too.. So I know how you feel..Thanks for comparing feelings .It helps me a lot.. I hope one day I can find peace whatever way it comes. Michael

[xBettyBoopx]

Oh No!!!!!!!!!!!11

[xBettyBoopx]

Well, I cannot believe that, my post just went away somewhere!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotta start again!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Michael

I know exactly how are you feeling, I am the same (I'm gonna shorten this in case I lose it again!!!!!!).

One minute having fear and being afraid of dying, next minute feeling depressed and wanting to not be here. Not daring to make arrangements for the future incase you won't be here. I have had a doom/dread feeling lately that I am going to die soon. That I won't be here this time next year. I wonder if it's anything to do with the lack of daylight hours?

Anyway, this post is about you not me!!! I just wanted to say that you are not alone, pm me if you wanna chat because I know where you're coming from.

If I were you I would make the plans for the future anyway, if you're not here, then you're not. It's horrible though isn't it? It's like tempting fate or something!

We are all going to die one day, thank God we don't know when!! Can you imagine a world where everyone knows the date of their departure?!

Michael, all of this has happened since you lost your beloved dog. And I am the same since I lost my beloved cat Lady. Some people are able to get over the death of pets easily, some like us really struggle to come to terms with it. I cry every day for my cat Michael........every day!!! Soemtimes, I feel that I'll never ever stop crying. She was my companion as I live alone and don't have many friends or family, that's why it came particularly hard to me.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Take care for now.
Love
Els

[Slothette]

Hi Michael....I'm sorry youre feeling so down at he moment. I dont have any good advice but I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. Have a hug from me.:hugs::hugs::hugs:

Lex xx

[looking4answers]

thanks Els.. I think you might be right about my hannah.. Also messing with swapping bp meds and checking bp pressure I hate it but don't have a choice right now.. could be this time of year and also weather.. could be many things.. But thanks so much for checking on me and being concerned.. I really appreciate it.. Im usually always around and if you want to chat sometime pm me or I think you have my email.. Michael







Well, I cannot believe that, my post just went away somewhere!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotta start again!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Michael

I know exactly how are you feeling, I am the same (I'm gonna shorten this in case I lose it again!!!!!!).

One minute having fear and being afraid of dying, next minute feeling depressed and wanting to not be here. Not daring to make arrangements for the future incase you won't be here. I have had a doom/dread feeling lately that I am going to die soon. That I won't be here this time next year. I wonder if it's anything to do with the lack of daylight hours?

Anyway, this post is about you not me!!! I just wanted to say that you are not alone, pm me if you wanna chat because I know where you're coming from.

If I were you I would make the plans for the future anyway, if you're not here, then you're not. It's horrible though isn't it? It's like tempting fate or something!

We are all going to die one day, thank God we don't know when!! Can you imagine a world where everyone knows the date of their departure?!

Michael, all of this has happened since you lost your beloved dog. And I am the same since I lost my beloved cat Lady. Some people are able to get over the death of pets easily, some like us really struggle to come to terms with it. I cry every day for my cat Michael........every day!!! Soemtimes, I feel that I'll never ever stop crying. She was my companion as I live alone and don't have many friends or family, that's why it came particularly hard to me.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Take care for now.
Love
Els

[looking4answers]

Hi lex.

Thanks for your kind words.. I ll be fine. just having some depressed times right now but tomorrow is another day..Its nice that people care .. and thank you for you caring..Michael

[looking4answers]

This might be the reason for my depression or feeling weird..

http://www.weather.com/outlook/recreation/boatandbeach/tenday/81144?dp=windsdp


Check out the temps and the weather for the next 10 days .Its snowing hard right now.. like there is no tomorrow and tomorrow nights low is going to 0 Fahrenheit..

[looking4answers]

Els.. Just wanted to tell you I took your advice and ordered anyway.. I ordered whether ill be here or not.. Guess what I started almost immediately feeling better .. Thanks for the suggestion. Michael

[dorabella]

Michael

You are not alone in this, as the replies you have already received will attest. What you are describing are classic symptoms of depression and anxiety - the niggling aches and pains (mostly causes by underlying physical tension) and the feelings of unreality, doom and gloom what else but depression?).

I think that at the present time - not called the silly season for nothing - there is a lot of pressure put on people like us, both by others and often by ourselves, to get into a festive spirit. In my case, it only makes me want to back further away both from people and from their expectations. Here in the UK we have been bombarded since October by shops displaying Christmas products, TV advertisements and cooking programmes and the like, and even just seeing them makes me feel anxious, nauseous and induces the feelings of approaching doom that you describe. Call me Scrooge if you like, but even as a child I remember feeling as if the world was coming to an end as the end of the year approached. I've never shaken this feeling off and it has got worse as I get older, and suffering from anxiety and depression also does not help.

I've been through the gamut of medication and therapy, which although they helped in the short term by lightening my mood and evening out the chemical imbalances in my conk which are the root cause of depression, were not sustainable in the long term. I actually got to a point where I didn't want to be reliant on drugs and was sick to the back teeth of talking about my psychological problems. I haven't indulged in either for the last 10 years although there are days when I'm in a little relapse that I would happily swallow a few anti-d's just to have a bit of relief. Then on other days the grey cloud lifts and I feel on top of the world, even if only for a short while.

You are obviously aware that in an anxious and depressive state all minor things magnify into gigantic and seemingly insurmountable crises - but try to remind yourself that these things are only in your mind. Physically you are fine - it's only your subconscious that is telling you otherwise and the brain can really play tricks on you. Have you educated yourself about your condition? There are some really good books out there which a lot of us depressives hold like bibles - particularly the series of books by Doctor Claire Weekes which explain the physiology and psychology of anxiety and depression in a sensible everyday language. I've had my copis for nearly 15 years and still refer back to them when I'm having a low period. This might take the fear out of your situation particularly seeing that you are geographically somewhat isolated with little access to a therapist.

Just a few thoughts based on my own experiences, but I hope they help. Best wishes from across the pond...

[NoPoet]

Hello mate, it sounds to me like a case of moderate depression with links to a fear of your own mortality. Depression and anxiety seem to come hand in hand a lot of the time. Fear of death is common, but it's one of the hardest things to deal with. It sounds like the depression could be resolved once you come to terms with your fear of death.

When you say things seem to be coming to a point, maybe what's happening is your unconscious mind realises that you have got a problem that needs to be dealt with and for whatever reason, it has decided the time is now. I doubt there is anything to be afraid of, I really do think this is happening for a *positive* reason -- you have acknowledged there is a problem, you have identified what the problem is and what effect it is having on you, so now it's time to go to work at fixing things.

[looking4answers]

Pretty sure its seasonal disorder.. Ill be fine but wanted to say thanks to all that posted here and for the great advise and for caring enough to post.. Its just my family that I grew up with and even a sibling that was so close to me is gone..I miss them and this time of year is really hard..then with the death of my pet..and the weather changes its all getting to me this year..The weather is being really weird and really cold.. Also Psyco.. I don't really fear death its just the unsure and not being able to control the moment that I die that I don't like but I really don't dwell on it.Sometimes I feel it might be a welcome time.. All those that I loved and grew up with are all gone..and sometmies with me still being here it makes me wonder if its all worth it and then I think of my animals that love me and care and depend on me and think of my wife and think..I don't want to leave them. Or would they be ok without me.. Im not wanting to die but neither does anyone else I wouldn't think.. But Its just the being unsure of when..it bothers me but accepting ..I did that a long time ago.. Michael