Kerrigan
06-12-09, 17:24
These are the thoughts and feelings I deal with in social situations:
* Feel like a negative, weird girl
* CANNOT stop swallowing consciously, this is a physiological symptom that stems from how I think and the way I behave in social situations is an attempt to alleviate this physiological symptom. The swallowing reflex gets rid of tension in the short term but it soon builds up again and I dread people hearing me swallow.
* Because I cannot stop thinking about swallowing I do it all the time and sometimes I choke, kind of like how people choke on their spit mid-sentence, except when I do it my mouth is usually dry and it definately wouldn't be mid-sentence as I'm often too scared to speak for long. I think that if stop thinking about swallowing then I will choke.
* Under prolonged stress, my hair falls out, not in great clumps but in excess amounts.
* It causes indigestion, I burp alot!
* No matter how well I prepare for going out I always feel dissapointed in myself because the event such as class/appointment is always fretful, I get nothing out of it and involves me wanting to get away a.s.a.p. but also wanting to go back once the tension has relieved a bit.
* Sometimes I choke in public, thankfully not often, but then I think 'why am I still fearing embarrassment when I've already hit that wall?'
* One of the saddest things about my predicament is that I SCARE people, I actually TERRIFY them from my nephew, to my collegues, to my classmates (none of whose names I know) everyone is freaked out by me when I choke. My sister came over with her fiance (I find couples intimidating) and I choked-he's never been back. I hate myself for that but everyone says I do not scare them, are they lying?
* When I'm sat in class my back sweats, hands shake, feet tap and legs cross, I think 'I'm gonna choke any second now'. My classmates tut and sometimes laugh at me.
* Theres a guy I like, a cop, I think he likes me too (the attraction is v. strong) but my inability to function in the city he patrols, my constant swallowing to relieve tension and occassional choking leaves both him and me feeling freaked out and awkward. I think I also scare him, everytime I see the police I get tense and go a.s.a.p but I WANT to speak to him, I ache with longing for him.
* I'm not really a nervous person, my tutors have praised my college work and say I should be in Uni and I want to be loved and at least have the option to be a mother. Love is a painful, resented topic for me.
* Feel like a negative, weird girl
* CANNOT stop swallowing consciously, this is a physiological symptom that stems from how I think and the way I behave in social situations is an attempt to alleviate this physiological symptom. The swallowing reflex gets rid of tension in the short term but it soon builds up again and I dread people hearing me swallow.
* Because I cannot stop thinking about swallowing I do it all the time and sometimes I choke, kind of like how people choke on their spit mid-sentence, except when I do it my mouth is usually dry and it definately wouldn't be mid-sentence as I'm often too scared to speak for long. I think that if stop thinking about swallowing then I will choke.
* Under prolonged stress, my hair falls out, not in great clumps but in excess amounts.
* It causes indigestion, I burp alot!
* No matter how well I prepare for going out I always feel dissapointed in myself because the event such as class/appointment is always fretful, I get nothing out of it and involves me wanting to get away a.s.a.p. but also wanting to go back once the tension has relieved a bit.
* Sometimes I choke in public, thankfully not often, but then I think 'why am I still fearing embarrassment when I've already hit that wall?'
* One of the saddest things about my predicament is that I SCARE people, I actually TERRIFY them from my nephew, to my collegues, to my classmates (none of whose names I know) everyone is freaked out by me when I choke. My sister came over with her fiance (I find couples intimidating) and I choked-he's never been back. I hate myself for that but everyone says I do not scare them, are they lying?
* When I'm sat in class my back sweats, hands shake, feet tap and legs cross, I think 'I'm gonna choke any second now'. My classmates tut and sometimes laugh at me.
* Theres a guy I like, a cop, I think he likes me too (the attraction is v. strong) but my inability to function in the city he patrols, my constant swallowing to relieve tension and occassional choking leaves both him and me feeling freaked out and awkward. I think I also scare him, everytime I see the police I get tense and go a.s.a.p but I WANT to speak to him, I ache with longing for him.
* I'm not really a nervous person, my tutors have praised my college work and say I should be in Uni and I want to be loved and at least have the option to be a mother. Love is a painful, resented topic for me.