Worried about myself and my thoughts

[.recovery.123]

The other day, I smelt gas when I went to turn my heater off. I called the emergency gas board, who came out, sorted it, then I went to bed.
I live in a block of flats.
When I went in my room I smelt gas again.
I figured it was coming from the old mans flat below.
I have been having suicidal feelings lately.
I delayed calling the gas board for a few hours and dont know why.
This is really freaking me out.
In the end I did call the gas board, but not until it got light, which was stupid as I know my neighbours get up before dawn, and would be switching lights on, and I know that sparks from lightswitches can cause explosions.
I am trying to focus on the posistives, in that I eventually called the gas board, who sorted the problem. The old mans cooker had been left on.
I would hate to think I am callous enough to use this gas leak as a suicide opportunity, and am trying to focus on the positives, in that I did eventually call the gas board, and no one was hurt.
I will tell my mental health care co-ordinator next week, but am worried she will discharge me, as she has warned me recently that if I do any more self destructive acts she will discharge me.

Would love comments please, I wont be offended by any sort of comment, I just want honesty.

[Mya]

Hi Recovery123,

Sorry you are feeling so bad. Please don't feel afraid and alone because many of us live with intrusive thoughts and sadness.

I want to be sure I am understanding what you are saying in your post. You did not turn on the gas it was your neighbor who left on the stove, is that right?

I understand that you are concerned because you have recently had suicidal thoughts. I have had these many times and they are very disturbing in that you get afraid that you will follow through with your thoughts. In my opinion and this is only my opinion, someone who has these thoughts and fears them, are having intrusive thoughts only. I have had a few relatives and friends that did harm themselves and I know they did not fear suicide or the thoughts running through their heads. People who usually act these out, do not have fears to these thoughts.

I believe subconsiously you may have not called the gas company back again because you already had them come out. I think I may have done the same. You might have believed the problem was fixed or you may have not felt comfortable in asking them to come back out. You did the right thing in the first place by calling them. Even though your neighbor was at fault for leaving the stove on, you should still look out for others and yourself to prevent anyone from getting hurt.

I do not believe your mental care provider would discharge you once you open up to her about the situation. You just need to be honest with her and not feel paranoid about the situation. I believe you may be over analyzing the situation as well, which is causing a lot of negative thinking for you.

May I ask have you been put on any medication since have these intrusive thoughts? I have some personal experience, not from myself, but family members that I could share with you. Please fee free to PM if you do not feel comfortable speaking on the forum.

I would try not to focus on this situation. Once we begin to analyze things, it can make anxiety kick into high gear, and then lead to more intrusive thoughts. Just be honest with your doctor and she will understand. Sorry you are feeling bad and hope things work out for you

xxoo

[.recovery.123]

My neighbour left his gas on, he is in his 90's and has no sense of smell.

Thanks for your well thought out response.
To be honest, I would rather look slightly silly and call them out to be sure, than not call them.

I am withdrawing from tranquilisers, and am on trazodone for depression, plus quetiapine for anxiety. I feel comfy talking on this forum.


xxxx

[maddie]

I too think you probably didn't call the gas board out again for fear of seeming a nuisance or even having them tell you that they'd been once and wouldn't come again. You say you called the gas board out instantly the first time, so you had no suicidal intention then. I think you have probably put your suicidal thoughts onto this the more you have considered it.

[Mya]

Thanks for clarifying that it was your neighbor that left on the stove.


I do understand you fear in telling your doctor, but it is very important you are honest with her in regards to the situation. I have a feeling that since your neighbor is elderly and does not have a good sense of smell that this situation will occur again. It is imperative that someone look out for your neighbor, for he could cause a dangerous situation for himself and others around him.

I would make sure too that your doctor is aware of these medications you are on and currently withdrawing from ( I am assuming she is though). As you are aware, medications can cause various side effects and you want to be sure that may not be the reasons for your actions. Now that I have thought about it, it is best for me not to share personal experiences because medications are different for everyone. I do not want to cause obsessive thinking for you or anyone else in believing some one else's symptoms/side effects!

I am in the US and maybe your system is different, but I have never heard of a doctor discharging someone for self destructive behavior. Maybe I am naive but I can't believe they could do such a thing. However, the policy is, my opinion is that you must be honest with her. I am not trying to be harsh but please do not put other people's safety in jeopardy.

I still believe this is obsessive thinking which is causing intrusive thoughts, but it is best to speak with her and to also make sure your medication is properly working for you. I wish you all the best

xxoo

[messianictalmud]

I would certainly explain to your doctor and mental health worker about the gas incident, I think maybe perhaps somewhere along the way that someone may have a duty of care to this 90 year old man, especially as Mya says he could do this again. Or if you feel comfortable maybe you could contact Age Concern about your neighbour.
I know we live in days where we all keep ourselves to ourselves etc but who knows your neighbour might actaully be grateful that a neighbour cares enough to want to ensure he his safe too.