View Full Version : a new fear...i think
hi all,
i was watching the matthew parris thing a little while ago and i was listening to this man who lost is son, when his son hung himself. it got me scared cause im scared that my life will turn out bad and ill kill myself. I wont...but im really scared i will when im older. I am also scared cause i dont know what my life will bring...whether i will be in a good marriage...good job...kids who arent into anything criminalised ( not sure its a word but it sort of sums that up ) im just scared..i know i shouldnt be cause im only young and have lots of life ahead of me...but im just curious.
thought id share this with you to see if i can get any advice back...dont know what kind but some anyway.
Hugs Rachel xx
Hey Rach,
Boy, you are really having a go of it are`nt you? Try not to worry of such things dear. We all wonder the same things at any age. We only have right now, this minute, this second, this day. So why worry about tomorrow or next year or many years from now? If we start doing that we will miss all of the enjoyment today brings. Try not to think too much about things that may never happen. Calm down dear, take one day at a time.
Love,
Diana xxxx
Hi Rachel
Dont worry. i think about this too - i have no intention of killing myself but worry about what if i did. It is crazy and you just have to try and ignore it.....
Emily
hi rachel,
when one of my girls was about thirteen,i was looking at the cds she had in her room,not being nosey,but i quite enjoyed some of her music...in one of the covers,she had written a poem,which i read,and then put back on the shelf.
i went downstairs,and within minutes,i went back,and read that poem again..it was like a suicide note.
i spent hours pacing around,my head was in turmoil...i was a single dad,i really didnt know how to handle this..all i could think of was to pray,and i did,i prayed to st anthony to help me.
that evening i spoke to my daughter about it..i asked her if she was unhappy,if she was worried...she told me she was fine,and not too worry,because these are normal thoughts,when growing up..she also said that lots of girls at school,would talk about this same subject...she said dad,its better to talk about these things openly,and not hide them away in your mind.
i hope this has helped you rachel,but always remember,your parents love you,and any fears you might have,you can always talk to them..bryan.xxx.
Wow Bryan,
I don`t know what I would have done in that case. As you know my daughter has been causing me some heart aches too. That is soooo fightening. I am glad though that she is okay, and expressed herself on paper, instead of expressing with actions.
Take care,
Diana xxxx
P.s. Bryan I have a great respect and admiration for a man who single handed can raise especially a daughter. My dad also raised me, with the help of my grandma (his mom). I know how hard that is. Kudos to you Bryan!!!!!!!!!!! I wish there were more men like you and my dad.
Don't worry Rachel
We all have the same thoughts when we are growing up.
The truth is no one knows what life is going to throw at us.
If someone had of told me at the age of 13, what the future would hold for me when I was 31, I would never have believed them.
Imagine being told by the age of 31 you will have... Survived a violent relationship and then you'll leave someone you were engaged to for 3 years and live in Birmingham, be happily married for 9 years. While you're living there, you will have to deal with the death of your father (and he won't even tell you he's dying). Soon after that you will suffer death threats from a next door neighbour, have 2 children (both with special needs) and then you will look after your mentally ill mother-in-law. I would have said they were nuts, and there was no way I could have coped with any of it, nor would I have got myself in to that situation!
But the truth is we cope with things the best way we can.
We can't predict what the future will hold for us, the best we can do is try not to worry about it, as whatever will be, will be.
Enjoy the good things life sends you, try not to worry about what may or may not happen in the future.
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric
Wow Liz,
No wonder all of the stress. That is alot for anyone to deal with. I know we do, but it takes alot of sorting out does`nt it? Good for you dear for coming so far, you have leaped bounds and bridges. You shouild be soooo proud of yourself. I agree with you, we never know what life is going to throw at us. You know I lost my first love of 8 years when I was very young.I also had my first 2 children with this man. I fell in love with him believe it or not when I was 15, and stayed with him for 8 years, till he died in a tragic car accident. I had my first daughter at age 19, then my next just 14 months after that. My daughters were only 2 and 3 when I lost him, I was devastated (check spelling) I just wanted to lay down and die too. I would have never expected that at my young age and his for that matter, even though he was 4 years older than myself. I sometimes even still feel very bad about that whole ordeal, as my oldest daughtwer is now 18 and she gives me a bit of a hard time and heartaches to boot, but I sometimes wonder if he had not passed so early on in their lives if it would have made a difference or not. Now I am just left with the thoughts of maybe, or only if and so on...... but like you say whatever will be will be. I too have married a very good man 15 years ago, who has been more than good to my daughters as well as the son we have together. I know he loves us and supports us. However sometimes right or wrong I often wonder what may have been. Does that make any sense? Well back on to you, you have come so very far in such a short period of time for all you have been through. I hope someday I too will get where you are.
Take care dear,
Diana xxxxx
Diana , I'm sure we all do the if only, and yearn for knowledge of what was not possible due to exceptional circumstances.
I'm so sorry to hear of your tragedy and I'm sure things would have been different but as to how the differences would have been - noone will ever know .
I'm pleased that you were able to move on from that . Well done .
So you do your best everyday - we all have to be content with our best most days and the secret is learning to cope with whatever happens on that day .
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Thanks Meg :),
I know we all have these feelings, and wish for knowledge of the unknown. Sometimes though it seems unbearable when something presents itself. Just like the issues with my 18 year old daughter, those things I keep so far back in my mind come rushing back. I suppose that is normal though ey? You know Meg I have had such a hard time putting things in order in my head lately, I think due to all of the stress I am feeling from the Teenage monster!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that came and stole my daughter and reserved a place in her body LOL........... :). Is this normal, and if so what measures should I start taking to move beyond this? I would just like your thoughts on this. I have been avoiding sleeping in the room I share with my husband, because it seems everytimme I try to sleep there I am exceptionally anxious. I think because that is where these last bouts of attacks started. I am sleeping in my daughters room on a single bed. I have found it also exceptionally hard to be "intimate" with my husband, because it also seems to bring up very intense feelings of anxiety. I want to be a wife again, I want to partake in life in general again, yet I can not seem to get there. Any suggestions?????? Sorry to have rambled on a bit more graphically than I should have, but this has been going on for months and I really do feel bad about it, but am having a real hard time grabbing myself up by the boot straps and doing something about it. I rarely leave my home ata all anymore, I mean like in a months time I may actually go out for errands 2 times. That is sooooo unlike me, I used to always be on the go. I`m open for your thoughts on this.
Take care all,
Diana xxxx
Some one once told me -
quote:If everyone took their troubles into a room, each person would take their own troubles home, rather than the troubles of another.
Oh,Diana heaven only knows how you coped. *hugs*
I can honestly say I wouldn't have had the strength to cope, I don't know what I would have done.
You do wonder a lot about the "what ifs" - what if I had married the bloke I was engaged to and lived closer to home, would my Dad have still died ?
- The answer ... Hindsight is a wonderful thing! Sooner or later he would have died anyway, he was told to stop drinking and he didn't. The cancer was found too late.
I didn't force the beer down his neck and make him physically drink it. I wasn't responsible for the things that made him drink. The only thing I did was leave a relationship which was going nowhere, a relationship I wasn't happy in. A relationship my Dad didn't approve of anyway.
- you can't change the past, and you can't be responsible for a person who is old enough to take care of themselves, you can't protect and guard someone 24/7 it's not possible, I tried it.
Good job I didn't tell you all of the stress or you'd have fallen off your chair! (oh yes there was more to that story!) :D
I guess we all get on with things as best we can, sometimes we come out okay, sometimes we don't.
We make the best of a bad lot and enjoy the good stuff.(Though it may be few and far between.)
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric
Diana,
I haven't got kids so really cannot even start to help you there.
As for all the other issues , the less you do something the less you then want to and the scarier it gets . The solution is always to start facing and doing the activity.
The key to success is time without incident so the more you sleep in your room , teh easier it will get as you have one good night , then two reasonable nights etc and exactly the same for going out.
Avoidance perpetuates avoidance but baby steps if needs be.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Meg,
Thanks yet again. Somehow I knew that was the answer, but was hoping it was something more radical. So then I would have an excuse for not taking my issues by the horns and just dealing with them. Taking baby steps as it were!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are right, I am so avoiding the things that I am afraid of, or feel could be a potential situation for an unwanted attack. Yet I know if I don`t start doing these things I will just be wasting a (maybe not so perfect) life, but it`s the one I`ve been given ey? You are right too in that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get up and do what needs to be done. I feel that the things I need to do all at once are all so overwhelming, but like you said baby steps if needed. I think that is where I am going to start. With baby steps!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will set 1 goal a day and go from there then 2 a day etc. etc. etc. I will let you know how I do. I will also be speaking with my pharmacist tomorrow about using either the Gaba, or the HTP5. Meg thank you sooo much for you thoughts and advice they really do make a difference in our lives. I already feel that I can accomplish more right now than before I read your post.
Take care,
Love
Diana xxxxx
Diana,
It's the one you are living and have some influence over so make it work to suit you.
It sounds like you can go out - you just don't ! Quite an easy one to go for.
Your pharmacist might not be familar as they're herbs- you might need a health food/ natural shop.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Oh dear Liz, I think you would have managed just fine. You have been through quite alot on your own, and I too feel like you. I don`t know what I would have done. I guess we never do, till it is staring us in the face. I guess we all have our heart wrenching stories. The stories I`ve read on here have done wonders for my own pitiful stories. I know I am not alone now. Sometimes whence going through a situation or 2 we can feel so isolated from the world. I know now that everyone on here has suffered as much or even more than I have and you all are still fighting and living. So I know I can too. I will press forward like all of you here have done. I know together we will beat this thing somehow or another we will!!!! I just know it. Thanks for all of the kind words and support. It really lightens ones burdens and heartaches when someone can listen and understand that person. I feel you all here do that. This is my "safe place" right now, this is where I feel my best. I know I can come here and say and ask anything without being judged. I thank you all for that unconditional love and friendship. :)
Take care all,
Love
Diana xxxxx
Yes, Meg you are right again I can go out. just don`t. I will check with my Vitamin Shoppe personnel to see if they are able to help me. I will definitely make it a goal to go out everyday even if for nothing at all , but to get some fresh air. That will be a start for me. I also will start this evening by making it a point to sleep in my own room. I think my daughter is getting tired of me anyway!!!!!!!!!!! LOL..... :) I know this is the life I`ve been given and only I can make it better or worse. I`ll go with trying to make it better. I hate the way it is going now. I guess I can only move up from here right?????????? LOL..........:) Again thanks for all of your advice.
Love,
Diana xxxxx
P.S. Liz I am sorry for the bad relationship you had to endure for awhile, but atleast now you have found a "GREAT" guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to see you through to the end that absolutely adores you!!!!!!!! :)
Take care dear,
Love
Diana xxxxx
Diana he adores me so much he's gone back to work part-time ! [:0]
For the first week I was scared to death, but now I think it is really nice. Steve's mixing with his friends again, I get to listen to loud rock music, watch what I want on TV and get to use the computer without being moved off the chair because it is someone elses turn. I can have a bath without someone wanting to use the loo!:(
I do think a lot of problems are caused because people judge us without knowing the full facts before laying in to us.
Steve's Uncle for example -
"Your child is 3 and he can't talk - you are a bad mother.
You are living in Steve's mum's house spending her money.
You trapped Steve into marriage, and to make sure you got him, you not only got pregnant once but twice."
Of course while he was shouting his mouth off what he didn't know was - Sam is Autistic that's why he can't talk, we are doing all we can for him.
We are ALL living together, we had to leave our home for safety reasons we had nowhere else to go. If we didn't live here your sister would have been in a mental home a lot sooner.
If I'm spending Steve's mum's money then why have I just paid £5000 for new central heating and a new kitchen ? Shouldn't she have paid for it, since I am spending HER money.
And Steve didn't have to marry me, I didn't hold a gun to his head and make him marry me. I told him I was pregnant and gave him the option of walking away and having nothing more to do with me or the baby. We had our second child because we wanted too.
I don't see him visiting, helping or offering to look after Steve's mum so we can have a rest !
It's not my fault I am the spawn of satan [}:)]
Who gave up life and sanity to look after my mother-in-law and fight for my kids education and well being. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered - then he really would have had something to moan about.[:p]
I know what you mean. It is nice to have unconditional friendship and a space where you are not judged for your actions.
I have to admit it's made me feel a whole lot better.
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric
Liz, it's great to hera that you'r well enough for Steve to hae gone back to work !
Well done you.
Meg
And I even made the Journey to hospital for an outpatiants apointment !
Several rescue remedies later, feeling rather stoned with depersonalization I headed to Mc D's for my tea.
"You are doing really well, I didn't expect to see you here. We were all worried about you. You've had your haircut, keep with the meds and I'll see you in 3 months time".
All in all a sucessful day.
And there was me bricking it thinking they were going to have me sectioned !
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric
Wow Liz,
How horrible of Steve`s uncle!!!!!! What a meanie ey? He should be grateful that you all moved in there to help his sister out. No matter what the circumstances. Especially since he is not beating her door down to help her. How rotten of him!!!!!!!!! He need not say anything about a child, especially not knowing what is going on. No one forces or "TRAPS" anyone into marriage we all have "FREE WILL" we can always make that decision to walk if we want. You are no spawn of satan sweetie, no matter what the uncle thinks. He should just try and walk a mile in your shoes. Then maybe he could appreciate the person you are. You just keep on doing what you are doing. Never mind others ignorance. Good for you for all of the freedom you have found, eg. listening to "LOUD" rock music, taking a bath without someone needing to use the loo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! etc. etc. etc. Dear I do hope you are able to find the accomodations for Sam, that he needs. I am so glad that we both found this site as it has done wonders for me too :).
Take care dear,
Love Diana xxxx
Hey Liz,
Me again, I just wanted to add a "KUDOS" to you for making the journey to the hospital. Great going!!!!! Keep up the good work.
Take care,
Diana xxx
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