99% dead inside
23-12-09, 04:03
Hi,
my name's Matthew, I'm 22 years old and I'm in a complete mess. I've had a quick look at some other threads and it looks like people have got themselves into a similar situation in life. I suppose I'll just tell you my problems then, it's a long list. :yesyes:
• Saw my dad hit my mum when I was 8, messed me up subconsciously. A few days later I lashed out at a girl sitting next to me because she complimented my joined up handwriting. WTF I know but that's what happened. Nothing serious I just shoved her off her chair.
• I was never bullied in highschool, to say I was would be a complete joke to people who really have been bullied. But I was REALLY anxious all through highschool. I was pathetically shy that whenever a girl even said hello to me I would blush and be all insecure and s**t. I had friends but I only saw them at school, because they lived far from me I never had a real bond with them, you know like most normal people do.
• In year 9, when I was about 14 I think I got... DUN DUN DUUUUN... Anoerexic. It's weird because I did not know what I was doing at the time, I just ate very little, calorie counted everything (even Cornflakes and Weetabix ffs!) and just basically turned into a skeleton. It stopped because I got very depressed and started binge-eating, just shoving chocolate and crisps down my throat and not really caring anymore about appearance or anything really. My parents were splitting up and the family just broke down basically. You know? We've never been a family that talks about everything and hugs each other anyway, but then it just really got s**t and so dysfunctional and f****d up.
I can't tell you everything that I did because it's just too f*****g messed up and shouldn't be mentioned again really. I know, how can it be any worse than the stuff I've already said? Well that's family breakdown for ya, it's some really messed up warped crap!
• So I was basically a self-sabotager, still am actually. I didn't try in my GCSEs and got average results instead of good. I got into college but dropped out after about 3 weeks. I was SO anxiety ridden it's ridiculous. Everywhere I went I felt like all eyes are on me and all that crap. You probably know right?
I also heard people talk about me and laugh when I walked by them. B****rds! Heh heh. One girl even said "uurrghh, he repulses me he does". Then her friend laughed and I felt pathetic because I didn't say anything back to her. If she said that now I'd have a few things to say that's for sure!
• Sorry that I'm rambling on and on like I'm blogging or something, I just don't do this at all and I've got a LOT if s**t to get off my chest.:blush:
•Ok so then I just stayed at home for a couple months not doing anything and got agoraphobia. I told you I'm a COMPLETE MESS!:yahoo: So because I was afraid to leave the house I completely lost touch with my friends. Long story short I've spent the last six years completely alone. I mean, I live with family but I've not had anyone my own age to talk to for six f*****g years. Obviously my social skills, which were beyond poor before six years of isolation, lonliness and depression, have gone even worse! Now I have matured mentally, I'm a 22 year old 'man' now not a 16 year old boy, but I have to REALLY struggle to hold a conversation. I think I should say that 1 year ago I got a job and forced myself to move on with my life. I talked to people, and went through the boundaries that had stopped me before. I left the job because I'm a mental idiot and since October 2008 I have only left the house 5 times.
Is there anyone else on this site in a similar position. Has anyone not left their home AT ALL for a year? It's weird, I feel like a freak. Oh wait I am one! :wacko:
• I also had a year or two dealing with OCD when I was in highschool, thanks to my dad! I got rid of that weird checking everything 100 times until I've done it perfectly s**t firmly our of my system.
• Obviously I'm a virgin. I haven't even kissed anyone before. This doesn't bother me anymore like it did when I was a teenager. Just thought i'd share that, since I'm wallowing in self-pity and all. :yesyes:
• I also started cutting myself after I left the job. I sank down to a new low, which is weird because I thought I was at the bottom and then BLAM! There's even lower depths of depression to sink into. The kind where you wake up and can't even climb out of bed, then wake up at 16:00. You tell yourself you're gonna change and sort it out, then you wake up 3 months later and you're still doing the same thing. I was completely out of control and started cutting my left arm, hand and foot. Not trying to kill myself, just... well I don't know, just because I'm mental I suppose.
• I don't drink, smoke OR abuse drugs and I'm THIS f****d up! What the hell would happen if I started doing them things I cannot imagine!
• I'm so depressed and it's really hard to live with myself knowing what i've put my family through.
Anyway this has gone on long enough, actually I think it reached that stage half-an-hour ago lol! Just wanted to say hi and give a 'brief' background:roflmao: on me, whatever. If anyone actually reads all that crap and has actually beaten agoraphobia can you tell me how you did. I know it's not overnight stuff, i've had it for 6 f*****g years! Just maybe tell me what steps you took, how you got over the fact of talking to strangers without having a panic attack.
I'll check out this forum and see what other posters have said, see if anyone's life is as messed up as mine. Sorry again for the gigantic blog/rant! I'll keep my posts short in future. :)
Ok bye I guess.
my name's Matthew, I'm 22 years old and I'm in a complete mess. I've had a quick look at some other threads and it looks like people have got themselves into a similar situation in life. I suppose I'll just tell you my problems then, it's a long list. :yesyes:
• Saw my dad hit my mum when I was 8, messed me up subconsciously. A few days later I lashed out at a girl sitting next to me because she complimented my joined up handwriting. WTF I know but that's what happened. Nothing serious I just shoved her off her chair.
• I was never bullied in highschool, to say I was would be a complete joke to people who really have been bullied. But I was REALLY anxious all through highschool. I was pathetically shy that whenever a girl even said hello to me I would blush and be all insecure and s**t. I had friends but I only saw them at school, because they lived far from me I never had a real bond with them, you know like most normal people do.
• In year 9, when I was about 14 I think I got... DUN DUN DUUUUN... Anoerexic. It's weird because I did not know what I was doing at the time, I just ate very little, calorie counted everything (even Cornflakes and Weetabix ffs!) and just basically turned into a skeleton. It stopped because I got very depressed and started binge-eating, just shoving chocolate and crisps down my throat and not really caring anymore about appearance or anything really. My parents were splitting up and the family just broke down basically. You know? We've never been a family that talks about everything and hugs each other anyway, but then it just really got s**t and so dysfunctional and f****d up.
I can't tell you everything that I did because it's just too f*****g messed up and shouldn't be mentioned again really. I know, how can it be any worse than the stuff I've already said? Well that's family breakdown for ya, it's some really messed up warped crap!
• So I was basically a self-sabotager, still am actually. I didn't try in my GCSEs and got average results instead of good. I got into college but dropped out after about 3 weeks. I was SO anxiety ridden it's ridiculous. Everywhere I went I felt like all eyes are on me and all that crap. You probably know right?
I also heard people talk about me and laugh when I walked by them. B****rds! Heh heh. One girl even said "uurrghh, he repulses me he does". Then her friend laughed and I felt pathetic because I didn't say anything back to her. If she said that now I'd have a few things to say that's for sure!
• Sorry that I'm rambling on and on like I'm blogging or something, I just don't do this at all and I've got a LOT if s**t to get off my chest.:blush:
•Ok so then I just stayed at home for a couple months not doing anything and got agoraphobia. I told you I'm a COMPLETE MESS!:yahoo: So because I was afraid to leave the house I completely lost touch with my friends. Long story short I've spent the last six years completely alone. I mean, I live with family but I've not had anyone my own age to talk to for six f*****g years. Obviously my social skills, which were beyond poor before six years of isolation, lonliness and depression, have gone even worse! Now I have matured mentally, I'm a 22 year old 'man' now not a 16 year old boy, but I have to REALLY struggle to hold a conversation. I think I should say that 1 year ago I got a job and forced myself to move on with my life. I talked to people, and went through the boundaries that had stopped me before. I left the job because I'm a mental idiot and since October 2008 I have only left the house 5 times.
Is there anyone else on this site in a similar position. Has anyone not left their home AT ALL for a year? It's weird, I feel like a freak. Oh wait I am one! :wacko:
• I also had a year or two dealing with OCD when I was in highschool, thanks to my dad! I got rid of that weird checking everything 100 times until I've done it perfectly s**t firmly our of my system.
• Obviously I'm a virgin. I haven't even kissed anyone before. This doesn't bother me anymore like it did when I was a teenager. Just thought i'd share that, since I'm wallowing in self-pity and all. :yesyes:
• I also started cutting myself after I left the job. I sank down to a new low, which is weird because I thought I was at the bottom and then BLAM! There's even lower depths of depression to sink into. The kind where you wake up and can't even climb out of bed, then wake up at 16:00. You tell yourself you're gonna change and sort it out, then you wake up 3 months later and you're still doing the same thing. I was completely out of control and started cutting my left arm, hand and foot. Not trying to kill myself, just... well I don't know, just because I'm mental I suppose.
• I don't drink, smoke OR abuse drugs and I'm THIS f****d up! What the hell would happen if I started doing them things I cannot imagine!
• I'm so depressed and it's really hard to live with myself knowing what i've put my family through.
Anyway this has gone on long enough, actually I think it reached that stage half-an-hour ago lol! Just wanted to say hi and give a 'brief' background:roflmao: on me, whatever. If anyone actually reads all that crap and has actually beaten agoraphobia can you tell me how you did. I know it's not overnight stuff, i've had it for 6 f*****g years! Just maybe tell me what steps you took, how you got over the fact of talking to strangers without having a panic attack.
I'll check out this forum and see what other posters have said, see if anyone's life is as messed up as mine. Sorry again for the gigantic blog/rant! I'll keep my posts short in future. :)
Ok bye I guess.