Hi, I'm Matthew

[99% dead inside]

Hi,

my name's Matthew, I'm 22 years old and I'm in a complete mess. I've had a quick look at some other threads and it looks like people have got themselves into a similar situation in life. I suppose I'll just tell you my problems then, it's a long list. :yesyes:

• Saw my dad hit my mum when I was 8, messed me up subconsciously. A few days later I lashed out at a girl sitting next to me because she complimented my joined up handwriting. WTF I know but that's what happened. Nothing serious I just shoved her off her chair.

• I was never bullied in highschool, to say I was would be a complete joke to people who really have been bullied. But I was REALLY anxious all through highschool. I was pathetically shy that whenever a girl even said hello to me I would blush and be all insecure and s**t. I had friends but I only saw them at school, because they lived far from me I never had a real bond with them, you know like most normal people do.

• In year 9, when I was about 14 I think I got... DUN DUN DUUUUN... Anoerexic. It's weird because I did not know what I was doing at the time, I just ate very little, calorie counted everything (even Cornflakes and Weetabix ffs!) and just basically turned into a skeleton. It stopped because I got very depressed and started binge-eating, just shoving chocolate and crisps down my throat and not really caring anymore about appearance or anything really. My parents were splitting up and the family just broke down basically. You know? We've never been a family that talks about everything and hugs each other anyway, but then it just really got s**t and so dysfunctional and f****d up.
I can't tell you everything that I did because it's just too f*****g messed up and shouldn't be mentioned again really. I know, how can it be any worse than the stuff I've already said? Well that's family breakdown for ya, it's some really messed up warped crap!

• So I was basically a self-sabotager, still am actually. I didn't try in my GCSEs and got average results instead of good. I got into college but dropped out after about 3 weeks. I was SO anxiety ridden it's ridiculous. Everywhere I went I felt like all eyes are on me and all that crap. You probably know right?
I also heard people talk about me and laugh when I walked by them. B****rds! Heh heh. One girl even said "uurrghh, he repulses me he does". Then her friend laughed and I felt pathetic because I didn't say anything back to her. If she said that now I'd have a few things to say that's for sure!

• Sorry that I'm rambling on and on like I'm blogging or something, I just don't do this at all and I've got a LOT if s**t to get off my chest.:blush:

•Ok so then I just stayed at home for a couple months not doing anything and got agoraphobia. I told you I'm a COMPLETE MESS!:yahoo: So because I was afraid to leave the house I completely lost touch with my friends. Long story short I've spent the last six years completely alone. I mean, I live with family but I've not had anyone my own age to talk to for six f*****g years. Obviously my social skills, which were beyond poor before six years of isolation, lonliness and depression, have gone even worse! Now I have matured mentally, I'm a 22 year old 'man' now not a 16 year old boy, but I have to REALLY struggle to hold a conversation. I think I should say that 1 year ago I got a job and forced myself to move on with my life. I talked to people, and went through the boundaries that had stopped me before. I left the job because I'm a mental idiot and since October 2008 I have only left the house 5 times.
Is there anyone else on this site in a similar position. Has anyone not left their home AT ALL for a year? It's weird, I feel like a freak. Oh wait I am one! :wacko:

• I also had a year or two dealing with OCD when I was in highschool, thanks to my dad! I got rid of that weird checking everything 100 times until I've done it perfectly s**t firmly our of my system.

• Obviously I'm a virgin. I haven't even kissed anyone before. This doesn't bother me anymore like it did when I was a teenager. Just thought i'd share that, since I'm wallowing in self-pity and all. :yesyes:

• I also started cutting myself after I left the job. I sank down to a new low, which is weird because I thought I was at the bottom and then BLAM! There's even lower depths of depression to sink into. The kind where you wake up and can't even climb out of bed, then wake up at 16:00. You tell yourself you're gonna change and sort it out, then you wake up 3 months later and you're still doing the same thing. I was completely out of control and started cutting my left arm, hand and foot. Not trying to kill myself, just... well I don't know, just because I'm mental I suppose.

• I don't drink, smoke OR abuse drugs and I'm THIS f****d up! What the hell would happen if I started doing them things I cannot imagine!

• I'm so depressed and it's really hard to live with myself knowing what i've put my family through.

Anyway this has gone on long enough, actually I think it reached that stage half-an-hour ago lol! Just wanted to say hi and give a 'brief' background:roflmao: on me, whatever. If anyone actually reads all that crap and has actually beaten agoraphobia can you tell me how you did. I know it's not overnight stuff, i've had it for 6 f*****g years! Just maybe tell me what steps you took, how you got over the fact of talking to strangers without having a panic attack.

I'll check out this forum and see what other posters have said, see if anyone's life is as messed up as mine. Sorry again for the gigantic blog/rant! I'll keep my posts short in future. :)

Ok bye I guess.

[nomorepanic]

Hi 99% dead inside

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[unspoken]

Hi, it sounds like you've been through a lot of tough stuff :hugs:

Are you on any medication? Obviously if you can't leave the house it makes it difficult to get to the doctors but have you had any medical help or spoken to any professionals recently?

The apathy and lethargy that accompany depression are so difficult to get out of. I am not personally particularly self-defeating but my boyfriend is like that, he thinks he is useless and not going to make anything of his life so he doesn't bother doing uni work so they try to kick him out and he can quit and have properly failed. So I sort of understand that way of doing things.

It must be really hard not seeing anyone or talking to anyone your own age. I don't have any friends locally which means I don't see people much and I've never really had friends round here so I have relied on online friends for a number of years to stop me feeling so lonely. Incidentally I'm 21 and I've had to give up my job due to anxiety so have a lot of free time, so if you want someone your own age to talk to, PM me :)

This forum is a good place for you to find understanding people, there are quite a few people who struggle with agoraphobia and everyone suffers from anxiety of some sort.

[ronski]

Hi Matthew

Its great to have you as a member of this site and also to know that you have got to the point where you recognise that life can be better, but know it will not be a quick instant fix. I suffered from agoraphobia for about a year because I was so scared of having a panic attack and what I felt would be a heart attack in a public place. In the end like you I realised that life could be better but it would only be if I actually made the effort. At this point I must point out that I also suffer from ME/CFS, panic disorder and Chronic Hyperventilation Syndrome so in a different way I was in a big mess probably in some respects due to major stress and inappropiate anxiety. I have never really suffered from depression but in most cases that may be influenced by genetics so you may not be able to help that response as in my case I cannot help my anxiety attacks as that has a genetic link in my family.

Anyway how did I beat that agoraphobia? to be honest in very slow but positive steps and expecting to feel anxious at times. Start small maybe just the garden path or garden and then maybe to the end of the road and all of that may take you a month. Just accept that it takes time and then slowly maybe with the help of a MP3 music player as a form of distraction increase it even further. I t took me about 8 months to get relatively comfortable, outside in the presense of others. e-mail me if you want support as it may mean that somebody should set you some goals to get you started. The other thing is that your fitness levels wont be helping as that can make you feel odd at the beginning when walking any distance as that deconditioning needs to be sorted sensibly and so not causing you further problems.

When looking back even now my biggest problem is how easily my breathing pattern changes with any emotional or physical stress. This in itself brings on awful symptoms and sensations such as visual disturbances, muscle tension, chest pain, aggravates my ME/CFS post exertional malaise, so sometimes even now if I go out for to long I get a set back. But Matthew life can be different if you want to change things. The past is in the past and you cannot change that but you sound like a genuine nice person and all you need is some good friends that understand and you will find those individuals on here.

All the best Matthew and if you can have a Happy Christmas and a better 2010 and set your goal that by this time next year you will be leaving your house and socialising a bit more.

Ron

[Sweetpea6]

Matthew,

It was heartbreaking reading your message. But welcome to NMP, you're in the right place. Get yourself involved in conversations here- ones started by others and also start ones yourself- to reap the full benefit of the site. That helped me to fit in.

It must feel so overwhelming with everything you are having to deal with. You said you live with family...who are your family members? Do you feel comfortable within your home? For me, I'm pretty happy at home, so I hope you have a 'safe place' too.

You are a precious person- you deserve to be kind to yourself. I really hope that this will be the start of you sorting things out and becoming the person that you want to be. Take responsibility for your own life and your own feelings- you have the power to change, however long it takes. PM me any time and stick with NMP, it's a real blessing.

Take care, Sweetpea

[99% dead inside]

Hahaha the first thing I get asked is "are you on any medication?" :yesyes: really made my day thanks :roflmao:

Thanks guys for the very nice welcomes! I really appreciate.

I just spent 1 hour on a reply but I had sign in problems! :weep: so the second huge blog/rant and responses to each of you is gone forever... That's just my luck.:lac:

Anyway thanks so much for welcoming me, I look forward to posting. This site is full of really friendly people! See you guys around! :weep::shades:

[unspoken]

Haha sorry I didn't mean to make any assumptions by asking you that. Really I was asking if you've sought any help or if you just try to deal with this alone. That's really annoying that your reply got lost. When I write a long reply on a forum I tend to either compose it in Notepad or copy it to the clipboard before posting because my internet is quite unreliable. Don't be put off by that though, keep posting :)

[Chrissie21]

Hi Matthew,

I am 27 and female, but your story sounds very simular to mine in lots of ways. I would say that you are a perfectionist ( that is how i would describe myself) the problem with this is that I convince myself I am never good enough, and should have done different/better. If a situation doesnt have a perfect outcome I beat myself up about it and blame myself.

I was bullied at school and to this day like you the words still ring in my head on occasions. But you must remember that these were just passing comments from other human beings who, are also not perfect and mean nothing to you now.

Along with all my hang ups I have social phobia and terrible fear of showing myself up in public or company. But the truth is you dont need to be perfect and everybody makes mistakes.
Please, please try and cut yourself some slack!

I would suggest that you try and get some therapy to talk it out, and learn to look for positives within a situation ( however small) this is much more effective than it may sound.

Try not to focus on the friendship/girlfriend issues right now. They are only adding to your long list of things to try and conform to, and you are putting too much pressure on yourself.YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE POPULAR TO BE HAPPY.. trust me! I should know!

[99% dead inside]

Hi Chrissie! Thanks for the nice welcome and support. :)

Your psycho-analysis was dead on! :D I am a perfectionist. Your right, if things don't go perfect, even if they go well I beat myself up about it. I've always been like this, even as a kid.

A few other people have suggested therapy aswell, I will look into it and think about it.

I hope you are happy like you say and thanks again I appreciate it! If you ever want to talk about your experiences you can PM me anytime. :)

Thanks Chrissie. Have a good day.