Depressed and Anxious-Can't Cope Over Christmas

[manuruth]

Hi All,

I really don't know what to do. I am dreading xmas day, the only thing that I am looking forward to is my two children opening their presents(they are 18 and 14). I have so much wanted to make it special for them, I have arranged for the xmas shopping to be delivered this afternoon by
Tesco, the meat was ordered from the butchers weeks ago. All the presents are wrapped with the help from my sons girlfriend which I am very grateful. I have ordered food, presents etc online over the past few months so basically nothing has to be done now except the christmas dinner.

I nastily broke my leg and had two operations on it, back in June but I am still on crutches and mainly resting. Between that and my mental health and other physical problems, I am really not feeling up to christmas. I can not get moviated, and I am ashamed to say that I have not had a
shower/.bath in over a week, I just have not got it in me. I've been feeling very low/anxious mixed states more than normal for a couple of months now. My psych has upped my doses and also added in additional medication over this time. But I am still not coping, and resorted to one of my coping skills of self harm within the last week.

My children last year were living with their dad while I recuperated as the previous xmas i was in the mental health unit and unable to come out at all over the festive period. Last year my children had xmas dinner with me and this year have both at the beginning of the year moved back in with me. So because they have not had the best last two christmas' with me I really wanted it to special this year for them.

The problem has now arisen that I invited my partners friend and his six year old son for dinner with us xmas day. But now I really can't face seeing people and I have suggested to my partner that I just plate them up dinners but he said no I invited them and I can't go back on it now. So the only thing I can think of if I have evrything cooked and then go upstairs out of the way until they've gone. I suggested this earlier and my 14 year old daughter is now saying I am selfish. I really haven't got it in me to cook the dinner but I am the only one that can do it, I have always done everything for them all. I realloy feel in a dilema, if my partners friend and son do not come at least I only have my kids and partner to face while cooking and eating. But it does not seem an option that they do not come. I just feel so trapped, weak with no motivation.

Please does anyone have some words of wisdom to offer.

Ruth x:unsure:

[ElizabethJane]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling unwell and unable to cope. I think the key here is to delegate as much of the dinner preparation as you can to other family members. You can still preside over the proceedings without the pressure of it becoming all too much. The table can be laid the night before, turkey prepared tomorrow even cooked slowly overnight if it is a big one. It is easy to confuse the memory of a feeling with the real thing. You have had some very sad Christmas's but this year it is going to be different. If things start to get too much then retreating upstairs should not be seen as failure. As to whether these extra people should come for dinner only you and you partner can decide on that one. Just remember that you can collapse in bed on boxing day if need be. Take care and enjoy your day.

[Downsinthenorth]

God, I know what you are going through. When I moved up here two years ago - my husband's home town, filled with his relatives and friends, where he had a job and I had no prospects - I completely lost it. In the first month, he invited friends to stay over a long weekend, so my house was filled with strange blokes. I stayed up in my bedroom the whole time - God Knows what everybody thought! I didn't put myself in that situation on purpose, I just over-estimated what I was able to cope with.

What I would (possibly) do in your situation, is to cry a lot (in private) to get rid of the stress build-up, and plan the next few days making sure that you have periods of respite from the Christmas situation (go out for walks on your own, read in your bedroom, etc.). Plan to get through it as best you can, and decide to collapse afterwards.

[Sweetpea6]

I feel really sorry that you are having to go through this. Maybe if you feel that having your partner's friend and son over would be too much, it would be best to be honest about it. Do they know that you are suffering from depression and anxiety? If so, do you think that they would be understanding if you, or probably your partner, were to 'un-invite' them? I hope that your family is understanding of your problems, and that you have their support.

Take time to look after yourself. You are not selfish- you are suffering from depression. My dad suffers from depression, and through one particular low patch he felt awful about 'letting us down'. It wasn't his fault though, and it's not your fault either.

If you can gather the strength, then do your best to get the dinner ready. I can see you've really made a big effort already; you could be posting saying 'aaargh! I have no presents or Christmas food!' But you have that sorted, so that's a box ticked.

I do hope it all sorts out. You will make it through to the other side. Take each day slowly- break it down into sections, and focus on that one challenge. 'Now I'm peeling the potatoes'. 'Now I'm getting the glasses out'. This may help.

Best wishes.

[manuruth]

ElizabethJane,

Thank you for commenting. I have a day left to try and get some get up and go in me, I really hope it comes. I will be cooking the meats christmas eve so that should ease part of the preparation. At the moment I can't even think beyond that to be honest. But hopfully my daughter who is 14 can help me prepare, hopfully without moaning. But as for my partner cooking isn't really his department and my 18 year old son it's just a no go area him helping. As for the guests I don't think its going to be a win situation there, I've already said this week I wasn't up to having them at the house every day like usually they are. My head feels quite fried at this moment in time :(

Hope you have a lovely christmas and good health for 2010 !

Ruth x

[manuruth]

Also thank you Sweatpea6 and Downsinthenorth,

I would love to be able to go for a walk on my own, somewhere quiet but I have only just started on crutches because of the break I had in June so unfortunately that is not an option especially with the ice and snow...I can just imagine me falling and breaking the other one. My partners friend knows about my depression but don't think any of them really understand when I say I can't face people. I will try and discuss with my partner the situation again though.

Well the shopping has just arrived and I am now in a panic and just was up in arms because the goose fat I ordered was substituted with vegetable fat...clearly a difference. My poor roast potatoes now, will have to use my normal method now.

Happy christmas to you both and all the best for 2010.

Ruth x

[Sweetpea6]

Happy Christmas to you too, Ruth xxx

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Ruth s.. the goose fat. I'm sure your roasties will taste lovely anyway. As the others have said try to get plenty of rest if it gets too much then retreat. Have a really lovely Christmas and let us know of your success.

[maddie]

Ruth, I know how you are feeling. My brain has stopped working. My head aches and I feel so flat it's hard to think long enough to type this. Like you, I used internet shopping and everything is here, but that seems to have taken all my energy. I don't feel I've anything left to get through the next few days. I am hanging onto the thought that it doesn't matter if the meal goes awry or I forget anything. What matters is that my family and friends can be together. For us it will probably be for the last time as my parents are in their late 80's and both seriously ill. For you - having your partner's friend and son there may be hard, but how much harder must it be for them to have nowhere of their own for Christmas? Your chidlren love you. They've come back to live with you. Try to enjoy them and s*d the dinner! Christmas is only a day. What they will remember is how you tried for them. Good luck!

[manuruth]

Maddie,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me, I know like yourself how hard it is while your mentally drained to write I'm also experiencing this at the present. I am sorryto hear your parents are not in good health, I hope you can have a superb xmas
together and that the you are able to spend much more time with them in 2010.

I am really going to try my best. One day more today I've managed to see out. I will prepare the meats and cook them tomorrow evening and try to get in some kind of festive spirit. Don't you think there is so much hype about one day? I feel there is at this time.

Here's to us both getting through the next few days. Have a lovely time with your family.

Ruth :bighug1:

[manuruth]

Well I've just put the meats in the oven, but was physically feeling sick doing it and the shakes. Now to regularly baste the crown but I really can't face going even in my kitchen. I'm tempted to phone Crisis but they most probs have had an early finish. Trying to hang on in here but need to be on my own, can't cope with all the extra stress. I suppose there are many feeling like I do on here, justy hope we get through tomorrow and that I don't have to retreat out of the way so as not to spoil xmas dinner for the kids.

Have a nice time everybody x

[ElizabethJane]

hang on in there Ruth. I have just come home from work and am peeling the sprouts. It will be allright. Take a few deep breaths and maybe a cup of tea. You can do it! Janex

[manuruth]

Thank you Jane. I'm slowly doing bit by bit. Hope your prepping tonight goes well. At least I suppose they will have meat to eat at the worse case scenario.
Ruth x