I can't do this again!

[bananas13]

Idk if some of you remember me from last year when I joined this forum. I checked myself into the psych ward twice around this time last year, and throughout the course of the year I got somewhat better. I got a job and went back to college and I guess I was fine... until now.

It all started up again at my boyfriend's best friend's wedding on Tuesday. I don't know why, it just stressed me out! The thought of planning a wedding in detail like that just did me in... and the boy is 18 years old and married! I've known him for years and it was just so surreal and weird that I like freaked out... and my panic has started again.

I guess the reason was because my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged this summer... and the thought of planning a wedding right now while I'm in school (I'm 20) is too much for me to handle... not to mention the fact that neither of us have jobs because we're in school so there's no way we could support ourselves. I want to marry him, but I want to be financially stable first and he knows that... but I think watching our friends get engaged and married in the last 4 months made us want that as well. Their situation is different though because he's in the military and makes a lot of money, whereas my boyfriend and I are both in college living off our parents.

Also, Craig (my boyfriend) and I are moving in together next fall and I'm scared because the last time I tried to live on my own, I ended up back home with my parents because of my anxiety attacks and depression. Craig knows how to calm me down more than anyone, but I'm still afraid to be away from my parents. I'm scared to live on my own!

More than anything, I fear that this panic is going to be a recurring thing every year and that I'll end up back in the psych ward again and again =(... I fear that I'm just going to become this mental person who can never live a normal life and have to be locked up. Also, my uncle committed suicide like 5 years ago, and ever since then I have this fear that I'm capable of the same thing. I do NOT want to die or kill myself, I just have a fear that I will because I won't be able to get relief. It's scary. I just want to live a normal life and be happy and not have to fear that I'm going crazy... I don't want this to keep happening every year!!

Can anyone relate? I really need some help and reassurance that I'm going to be fine. =(

[jackie13]

Hi there

I was laid in bed reading your post this morning on my phone and got up as I felt I needed to reply to it on my computer!

I can relate totally to how you feel. Perhaps not the circumstances which have caused your anxiety/panic to return. Over the last 5 years between Dec-Jan I suffer major problems and each year I do fine during the year then I fall ill again over this time. After numerous books, centres A&E I know now that I am feeding the monster with my fears. I mean, why am I so important that I know how I am gonna feel tomorrow or what is going to happen? We all presume then this feeds the monster.

They are all only thoughts that make us feel bad again and they always think of negative things, just silly, stupid, awful, idiotic thoughts, throw them out of the window!! My anxiety/panic is a huge ugly monster that I do not want in my life, so I do not feed it and then laugh at it when it looks the size of a mouse!

When I feel bad terrible thoughts enter my head included the suicide thought even though I would never act, however, I totally understand how scarey it is!

Remember, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, try to relax and take control, after all, it's your life babe.

Remember just silly, old thoughts.

Hope this helps and merry xmas.

Jackie xxxx

[Idstain]

excellent post jackie, couldn't agree more :)

[barbn]

Oh Kaylee - you sound so much like me! It is a terrible feeling isn't it? Let me tell you, I went mad when my husband and I decieded to get married. Like you I could NOT handle the thought of planning a HUGE wedding, I went into pannic mode! We started simply, going to Vegas and inviting a few people - it ended up snow balling, the panic attacks came on strong! I can't even fully explain why...I realized this wasn't what my wedding was suppose to be like, so I sat down with my husband and told him I felt crazed about planning and doing this. I loved him and wanted to get married.....we came up with an alternate plan - we ended up getting married at the court house a SMALL amount of people...it took 1/2 an hour to plan...and then we all went out to dinner afterwards. Moving in together was HARD - he is totally understanding though...I DO NOT like change at all! My point is that if things are feeling out of control, you need to stop, take a deep breath and re-evaluate the situation. Decide if you need to push through or make different plans.