View Full Version : To our friend Bill
I hope the days are getting easier for you Bill.
Here's a few extra hugs to help you along:
:bighug1: :bighug1: :bighug1:
ladybird64
28-12-09, 14:43
Dear Bill
Missing your kindness here..I hope you will be back with us as soon as you feel able, even for just a little while. :hugs:
Dear Bill,:hugs:
I totally agree with everyone. You are badly missed and I hope you will be back here as soon as you feel able. Take care until then.
Judy.xxx:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Hi Bill
Looking forward to finding out what birds have been visiting your garden :).....take care matey :hugs: xx
Have not seen Bill on the site in a long while. Sending you Hugs, Bill, if you are going through a tough time. Hope you do manage to get back on the site soon. :hugs::hugs::hugs:
I've not been on this site for long but Bill's posts are really helpful so I hope he feels better soon :hugs:
Under~The~Stars
28-12-09, 21:00
Lots of hugs from me too :hugs:
x
Hi Bill, i cant add much to what others have put, but u r missed here and u have lots of supporters here, including me, u have helped me lots with your advice over last year and i know lots of people miss your words of wisdom too.
i really hope things get easier for you and u feel at some point that u can join us again on here, hugs xxxxxx
Veronica H
29-12-09, 00:37
Hi Bill
You can never have too many hugs anxiety buddy....:hugs::bighug1::bighug:Veronicax
Hey there Bill :) How many mince pies have you eaten? Can you still bend to bowl the ball?
Thinking of you xx
LOL maddies got a point there, hope its not affecting your bowling skills, one mince pie lead to another, next min u finished the box :)
Been thinking of you Bill .Hope you managed to get the dinner cooked on Christmas day and you had a nice day with your Mum and Wife ..Hope you got something nice in your xmas stocking :blush: Chin up and hope you feel better soon my friend ..Hugs Sue :hugs::hugs::hugs::bighug1:XA BELATED XMAS KISS :winks:
gypsywomen
29-12-09, 17:40
he is fine heard from him at christmas just bit down but he said he will cope
Desprate Dan
29-12-09, 19:14
I am also thinking of you Bill and so grateful for the help and advice you have given me, hope you come back when you feel upto it..
Take Care my freind...:)
DAN
How many mince pies have you eaten?
I made 24. Ate half of them and the others were gobbled up so I guess they must have been ok to eat!
I also cooked the turkey, prepared and cooked the veg and finished off with the Chrismas pudding before washing everything up.
After that, I hoovered, cleaned and did the washing.
Boy, I'm looking forward to a "Happy" New Year. (he says with tongue-in-cheek:lac:).
Anyone need a house husband? Won't ask for Anything in return....well, almost not anything!:blush: Hope you got something nice in your xmas stocking :blush: Yes, but what really would have been nice that I'd love to unwrap would need 2 stockings but I think Father Christmas must have kept "it" for himself! No wonder he's always smiling and laughing all year round!!! Wonder what his secret is? I guess he must keep it in that Big red coat of his!:blush:
Yes, my sarcastic dark humour is returning so I guess I must be beginning to be more my "normal :wacko: weird" self!:scared10:
eeyorelover
30-12-09, 20:20
There he is!!
You've been missed my dear friend!!
Wishing you a belated Merry Christmas and a healthy and happy New Year :)
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Sandy
Hooray! Bill's back with his one-track mind :D That "it" Father Christmas is keeping wouldn't happen to be of the female gender, would it? :winks:
Looking forward to hearing plenty more from you in 2010. :hugs: xx
ladybird64
30-12-09, 22:01
Bill you're outrageous..I am so glad to see you back. :D
Bill your such a naughty boy :blush: How come I knew youd pick up on the stocking remark :winks:..Blimey it sounds like you had a really busy day with one thing and another ,im sure your energy levels couldnt have took any more ....? :winks:Lovely to see you back and I wish you and yours a Happy new year :yesyes:.hope it s better than the last any way .Thinking of you ..with a twinkle in your eye .Luv Sue xx:hugs:[/I]
Oooh you can make your own mince pies!....very impressive:D......good to see you online again. xx
I think I'm already regretting coming back. Felt so irritable all day and I ended up causing my wife to be in tears which then upset me too because I know she can't help being ill.
Where has my patience gone? Maybe it's really too soon for be to be back here.
I'm just an ordinary bloke who only has myself to blame for everything. The only thing I'll be celebrating is that I've survived another year. I think I'd be a much better carer if I had the patience of a woman because I think I'd be a much better housewife than being a typical bloke in a trap of my own creation.
Enough about me I think.:huh:
Bill, whilst we'd all love to help you through, I understand that there are times being onhere can make you feel more isolated and lonely. No matter how hard we try, we are not real flesh and blood standing within reach of you.
If you need to be away longer, I respect that. I'll be praying for you and hope you find peace and friendship somewhere soon.
:hugs:
I'm sorry for that last post sweet Maddie.:hugs: I had a really bad day again yesterday. I seem to have lost my laughs because even when I find the ability to smile I can still feel myself crying inside.
A turn of a page on the calendar, another year starting in a new diary and yet, I look out the window and everything around me and everything looks exactly as it was. I can never fathom why we celebrate new years. In 2005 I lost my father, in 2009 I lost "my best friend" and I look back to how I was at the beginning of the year and feel exactly the same. My mother was diagnosed with her illness which now creates a new fear for this new year so why celebrate what I fear? I can only celebrate the fact I've survived the previous year to still have life in me in the hope that happiness hasn't abandoned me completely.
I don't know why people miss me on here. I'm only the same as everyone else here except that I'm always moaning a real misery to be with. As you rightly said, I have a one-track mind but maybe not in the sense it sounds. I know you were saying it tongue-in-cheek but when I wrote the post to which you replied, I know it sounded amusing but I wasn't laughing when I wrote it. I was being cynical but I realise in typed words emotions can't always been seen.
If I have a one-track mind, it isn't about sex and nor is it in seeking selfish pleasure and this is why I feel I can so easily be misunderstood because I think women regard men as all being the same. In truth I am no different to other men except others are of stronger character and not as weak and soft as me but they have something I don't have- a normal "loving" relationship. Therefore, my one-track mind is created by the lack of that one word in my life - loving. What greater pleasure is there than being able to "give" love? What greater pleasure could there be than making someone they love feel like the most important person in the world? What greater pleasure could there be than to offer love in caresses to show how much someone means to another? What greater pleasure can there be than to "give" pleasure? Yes, men have a one-track mind but not all men want to "take" because the Real Pleasure is in the "giving".
I feel worthless sweet Maddie. I spend so much time alone just wanting to feel worth something to others and yet I'm wasting my life away because I've put myself in a cage. There is So much more I want to give than what I can offer on here. I feel empty inside. All I feel is hurt and pain after losing my best friend. Losing him as felt like another dagger into my heart. It's been broken so many time in the past 10 years it feels shattered into tiny pieces. I'm really struggling to put it back together again. I feel like an empty egg with such a fragile shell that I could shatter into a million pieces!
The doctor wants me on ad's but they will never stop this hurt I'm feeling. I've lived with it for 10 years now and Nothing can stop it. Yes, I have a one-track mind because I'm haunted every day with an image of "giving" to a fantasy figure I know I can never have. Why should I moan though? I've only ME to blame for all the hurt I feel. It was ME who turned the key to my cage. It was ME who willingly walked in. It was ME who starved myself from the things other more normal and stronger men than me take for granted.
I'm So tired of fighting all the time. I'm So tired of being misunderstood because I'm abnormal. I feel So bad for wanting what I know I can't have. I hurt So much when I see and hear reminders of of my haunting dream. It haunts me because it just won't leave me alone! I see a father and I'm reminded of what I've lost. I see a dog and I'm reminded of what I've lost. I see a mother and I fear what more I could lose. I see a woman comforting a man in tears and I'm reminded of the things I've never had the luxury of having. I see a couple kiss and I'm reminded of romance and passion I've never experienced because of my wifes illness. I just don't think people understand the torment I go through Every moment of Every day with constant reminders of what I can't have, never been allowed to have or the comfort I've never received when I've lost those closest to me. Is my life always to be destined to such a fate? Yes! Because I feel I can't do anything about it!
If I were a stong man I would have left when I was so stressed. I wouldn't have left my job. I wouldn't have turned on myself with selfh or taking od's. I wouldn't have wanted to give up on living because I didn't have the courage to find a way out.
There is No hope sweet Maddie. All I can do is try to put all these feelings back in my empty bottle and try to survive, and give in the ways I Am able such as offering help on here. I Don't want to keep talking about me and my moans because there is Nothing Anyone can do to help me because they can't allow me to give the happiness I could give. Even if I did I know it would only end up in more hurt and pain but not to me! I'd fear for them! Anyway, that's where I'm wrong in even thinking it! I'm in my cage and there I must stay so that I don't cause hurt in wanting to give because of my one-track mind! No, there is No answer so No point keeping going over it because No one can help me. I have to learn to accept and limit myself to giving advice, only.
Sorry. I'll get through this once I've contained my feelings again. Sometimes I feel the only love I will ever be allowed to give to someone who would appreciate what I can offer is to a dog! But then....well....I lost him, didn't I! Such is life.
Happy New Year.......well, it will be for some I guess.:shrug: Wisdom is a fine thing. The trouble is that to gain wisdom, you have to live through experiences so that by the time you've gained wisdom it's too late to prevent your earlier mistakes. That's fate for you.:hugs:
xBettyBoopx
01-01-10, 02:42
Dear Bill:hugs::hugs::hugs:
http://s.mynicespace.com/myspacepic/589/58983.gif
Love
Els
xxx
hi bill,
ive read a few of your very interesting and lovely posts over the last while, i dont know you, but had to respond to this one.
i was just so touched by your words and description of what you are going through. being a carer is no easy feat in life. i believe its one of the toughest jobs out there, but its also a job that only the strongest of humans can do.
for this i admire you greatly.
i have a family member that is also a full time carer. she is alone most of the time, is not paid well and hardly ever receives a thankyou. some of the assistance she gives, i know for a fact that many people would not be able to do.
i will not say i understand your plight, but i do feel greatly for it. my world fell apart when i lost my dog of 11 years. life has not been quite the same but apart from my anxiety/depression/phobia issues i live with, good things happen also for me......watching the sun rise, hugging my new dog who by the way is just crazy! i cant forget where i come from or what i fight, but when i can, i do catch my breath and try to enjoy what i can....ive been growing herbs, and its just wonderful to see what amazing flavours those little plants can produce.....
bill, i think you are a lot stronger then you think.....you have a lot of love to give, and i just know there are a lot of people, creatures etc who would do anything to be loved by you :hugs:
Sweet Peach:hugs:,
Maybe not quite anything but I would never expect otherwise anyway as I know myself and my situation only too well!:winks:
Anyway, as I've mentioned on "my best friend" thread, I'm now off the ad's and feel no different to how I was before I lost my best friend except that I still want to cry when I think too much but when that happens I just get myself to think of other things!
I've been thinking today it's about time I stopped talking about me though, my issues that no one else can help me with and what I can't do to help myself and instead got back to what I can do and the real reason I came here which was to offer what I can to help others so now I feel it's time to draw a line under "me" and my threads and got back to trying to help those who can be helped as I know from your messages of support that my "hopefully" helpful replies have been missed.
So, from now on I plan to attempt to be as I was and add where I think I can offer something that might help someone. As I've said before, if I can help someone smile, at least my life has been worth something! I'm sorry I had to think of me for a while.:hugs:
Desprate Dan
04-01-10, 06:23
Bill it was important you took time out to think about yourself for awhile, but i am so glad you are back to help others and put that ray of sunshine back into there lives on these cold cold days, you have helped so many with your knowledge and kind and careing words..... Welcome back my freind.
Dan
Welcome Back, Bill :)
You help such a lot of people and have been missed.:hugs:
It is good to see you back.
Bill
Your posts always move me. Being able to express how you feel, being able to articulate it almost in a poetic way is a gift. It's a gift that you haven't just wasted because your posts always reflect it. People miss you because of this. People relate to your suffering. We all have best friends, parents, families and probably at some time in our lives a partner we care for. People can relate to all the suffering you go through, because I know that we hold on very tightly to "our" suffering, but if you look around, it's everywhere. I believe each suffers in his/her own way. But this isn't diminishing your or my suffering and I know it may not make it any easier, but it's a reality that I see all around me.
Sensitive people get crushed and stepped on every day Bill. I see it in the job I do. Sensitive people (not even artistic people because that word has been degraded in my view) that have a deeper side to their nature perhaps see the ridiculous and insane thing that we call life. All the care and affection that has been traded in for money and possession and status and power. The paradise life could be and the misery it has become. Perhaps sensitive people can see this and the unanswered questions slowly morph into what we know as clinical depression.
Today I felt as though I'd had enough. Perhaps it's because it's the beginning of another year. Perhaps I too can see all I have to lose this year. But I can also see what I have to gain. Not money or power or anything superficial but the reality of being alive and having the capacity to fulfill all that a living person can: love.
You say that you have imposed all this on yourself and that no one can help. If that is true then it would also imply that you are the only person that can set yourself free.
Take care of yourself.
Now then Bill! It sounds like you are suffering horribly from your depression, and I gather that it is resistant to treatment. Have you asked your doctor about other avenues like newer drugs or hypnosis or stuff like that? I was researching a new medicine called agomelatine which works differently to all other meds.
It targets melatonin instead of serotonin, its side effects are less severe than other types of medication, plus its main bonus is the way it improves your quality of sleep and continues to be effective while you're asleep. The improvement in quality and duration of sleep is why the medication is thought to be so effective. There are still side effects of course, and it is practically brand new, but if I were you, it may be worth asking about a trial.
You say that you have imposed all this on yourself and that no one can help. If that is true then it would also imply that you are the only person that can set yourself free.
Yep, that's me in a nutshell! The only peson to blame for my unhappiness is Not my wife with her illness but "Me". I married her, I imposed my cage on me and so I'm the only one who can set myself free...but there's my problem because I can't! I know people will say there is no such word as "can't" but my conscience and anxiety just won't let me think of me.
Put it this way, if you found an injured kitten in the road that had been run over and you decided to take it indoors to help it get better because you wanted the company and felt sad for it but it was so frightened that it then turned on you and constantly scratched and hurt you but deep down you knew why the kitten was reacting why it was and so you knew it couldn't help constantly causing you pain, would you then feel able to throw it back in the road when you found out it's injuries were too severe and it wasn't the kitten you expected it to be when you knew they weren't to blame?:shrug: I couldn't because I couldn't live with my conscience and nor could I stand the loneliness With the guilt I would feel. I just couldn't do it and nor could I turn away anyone who needed help, and that's why I'm Too soft and Too weak.
When I tell people what I've been through and had to cope with, they say they admire me for sticking it out but in truth they shouldn't because if I were stronger I'd have left years ago when her illness nearly cost me my life because I couldn't see any escape.
I don't have a "normal" life or a "normal" relationship but no one can help me because no one can join me in my cage simply because they too would find it impossible to help me. So, I can't help myself and nor can I expect anyone to help me which is why I should stop moaning about something I can't change and get back to helping others to avoid the mistakes I've made.
Peach said...you have a lot of love to give, and i just know there are a lot of people, creatures etc who would do anything to be loved by you I Love people and I Love creatures which is why I'll do anything to keep them safe But if I'm not careful I could end up causing more harm than good by wanting to get too close because of the things I miss or have never had.
There are lots of things I should be grateful about because of the things and freedom I have but the one thing most important to me I know I will never have because of "me" so no matter how much I have that I would love to give, there will always be a limit as to how much another will be prepared and able to receive because I can only love a creature unconditionally without causing harm.
Every time I've lost someone or something very dear to me, the hurt and pain re-surfaces which then causes my depression but there's simply no point me keeping on about my unhappiness, my hurt, my pain, my loneliness and my losses because I can never put myself in a position where I could be helped in the ways that would help me most and nor could I expect anyone to really help me in my situation.
It's about time I just stopped moaning and got back to helping those who Can be helped! I locked myself in my cage and threw the key away years ago. The doctor can't help me and the professionals can't help me because even if I cured my anxiety about being alone, I could never cure my conscience. No one is to blame but Me and No one can help me but Me...and seeing as I can't...well....that's just life so I just ought to accept I will never have the things others have in their loving relationships! Life is what we make it though.:shrug:
You say I have a gift but I loved reading your post.
I can also see what I have to gain. Not money or power or anything superficial but the reality of being alive and having the capacity to fulfill all that a living person can: love.
"Love" - the Most Precious of gems, the Most wonderful of jewels, the Most priceless commodity that has immeasurable value and also The Most Important reason for living that not everyone can hold because not everyone can be given it.
As John rightly said in a post not long ago, I care "too" much which in other words means I'm just "too" weak and soft because I'm not strong enough to think of "me" so I keep myself in my cage where others may look but they know they can't enter. Sometimes life is cruel but sometimes we can only blames ourselves for our own mistakes which we then have to pay for.
I just go round in circles with this which is why I should stop moaning and shut up, and instead get back to why I came here- to help others so that in return I may gain a little love within their harmless friendship which maybe I have already achieved since being here! I want to help, not hurt people because then I hurt too much in return!:hugs:
Poet, I know you mean well but there are some things No drugs can Ever replace because they can Never take the place of a caring human being.
As Suzy-Sue said recently in one of her posts: How can we measure pain? How can we judge what someone else is going through? And where will it get us to compare? I could reel off many traumatic things that have happened in my life. From personal losses to being stabbed. So what? Does it make you feel any better? No. We suffer and that's it.
Reading past all your anger and resentment that you direct at yourself, I see a glimmer of something in you that hasn't gone out - despite all you've been through, which I don't even for a second doubt.
Sometimes staying takes more strength than leaving. Sometimes saying nothing produces more than anything you could put into words. I don't for a second believe you're weak. Not throwing a helpless animal onto the street is love and compassion, and love and compassion is never weak.
You once in a post said that you don't give up with people and help them as much as you can, despite them not believing they could be helped. Well, you have people here that return that favour.
No one here holds the key but they can guide you to the door.
Thank you. You also remind me that alot of people on here have and are suffering much worse things than me so I really should be grateful for the things I have.
I'm afraid to say though that even if I reached that door, I still wouldn't have the courage to open it. My weakness is in the difficulty I have in dealing with causing hurt and living with my own company. I go out of my way to avoid causing hurt wherever possible despite what some people may think but I also avoid living alone because the two combined I honestly couldn't live with so I could never turn the key to open that door.
I'm sorry if that sounds defeatist but to me that is my reality.:shrug:
Hi Bill, I guess it's the way I think to try to find a scientific solution, I'm still hoping to find some way to help people get free of their troubles and I do think that the right dose of the right medicine can help, but I also agree that nothing can replace the comfort of another human being. You have plenty of that here. You sound like a decent bloke. Why do all the good people have to suffer?
hi bill,
you would never be opening that door on your own...you are surround by all of us who care and will turn that door handle with you......
loss is important, sad, but important part of life....its just as important as receiving....just like how can we understand and appreciate happiness without having experienced sadness?
melancholia77 your post was really interesting!
even tho every one of us is suffering on this website, what has been brought to the table in efforts to help us all is just so inspiring!!!...i just need to keep rereading it all when i fall into my 'bad' place....
bill, dont forget to just stand still, close your eyes and just breathe.....this may stop your circles...if only for a moment.
Hiya Bill, i havent been on for alittle while but wanted to come and say hi, you have a lot of support from people here, because you have written such interesting threads and you give such great advice, sometimes making us think about things, in a way that perhaps we hadnt done before, you have with me, u helped me to look at things from a diff perspective.
Keeping fighting on bill and take time out if you need too, but sometimes u have to do the thing that scares u most, so u can eventually find peace and happiness and enjoy all the things that mayb u have wanted so much, it doesnt make u a bad person, big big hugs xxxxxxx
Why do all the good people have to suffer?
Poet, I think sometimes because we can't think of ourselves enough. We'd rather suffer than inflict on others because of the guilt we'd feel.
Peach, I find being on here stops me thinking about my neverending decreasing circles.
sometimes u have to do the thing that scares u most
I agree with you Dear Donna but sometimes to do so would mean you couldn't live with yourself so you have to choose the lesser of two evils. All I know is if I met someone like you or others on here years ago I would have had a much happier life But maybe then I wouldn't know the things I know now so not been here to try and help others. Maybe that was my fate or destiny. I'm here to serve others but then that's what I enjoy doing! Funny how life turns out. I guess we all have things we have to sacrifice.:shrug:
Well said Bill. Keep that positivity flowing!
If you feel a draught at your ear you know where it comes from. xxxxxxx
:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Yes.................. I'll have forgotten to shut the window after I'd finished cooking!:D
Good to see you're still around sweet Maddie. Just wish you could find a way to be more than just a memory created by a gentle breeze but I guess heaven must be missing one of their special angels and they want you back.......Yes, I know you won't agree!:):winks: Tough!:D I'll miss our bantering posts on here!:unsure:
Bill, if there was one thing that you could do to stop yourself feeling depressed, no matter how impractical that thing might actually be to achieve, what would it be?
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