Allen.K
29-12-09, 02:15
Hi!
I think I found this board from a link off of Wikipedia or something a little while back. I've finally decided to start using it.
I am a 20 year-old American male, and have suffered from anxiety issues for about 12 years -- the first panic attack I can remember was in 2nd grade. Of course, back then I didn't know what it was, but I definitely remember the sensations and symptoms. Ever since then, I've had health anxiety and agoraphobia issues.
When I was little and my parents finally realized that the issues I was having were anxiety-related, I first went to the school counselor, who referred us to a therapist, who referred us to a psychologist, who referred us to a psychiatrist. I don't really remember a lot of how I explained my condition; I certainly didn't have a very good grasp of what exactly my problems were, what made me anxious, and how exactly that anxiety manifested itself. The psychiatrist started me on Zoloft, an SSRI. That helped, but of course didn't cure me. I continued having attacks; they were just much better contained and never out of control. I knew generally what situations and conditions triggered them, and I knew how to relieve them. For the most part, I never really told anyone about my anxiety issues. I was already a quiet kid, and even before I developed anxiety problems, I was always reserved. My closest friends had a vague idea that I had some sort of anxiety-related problem sometimes, but that's about it.
When I was in high school, I started dating an amazing girl. I'd known her since 2nd grade, but we were never more than acquaintances. Then, in 10th grade, we started dating. As the relationship progressed, she started to get to know me very closely, and I explained everything I knew about my anxiety to her. She accepted it with unbelievable grace.
When I graduated high school, I knew that I would not be able to enter college away from home without my anxiety severely affecting my studies and making me miserable. As bad of a decision as it seems, I chose my university basically based on where my girlfriend was going. By this time, we'd been dating for 2 years, and I'd grown closer to her than I'd ever been with anyone else. Luckily, we ended up at a university that was very high on my list as well, so I didn't have to compromise my education because of my condition.
Before I left for school, I had another doctor's appointment. By this time, I'd switched over to Paxil (generic) for one reason or another. My first year of college came and went fairly smoothly. I completely avoided caffeine and other stimulants, and knew that my girlfriend was there for me if I needed her. I was two and a half hours away from home, but I still felt pretty secure; my girlfriend had a car, I had a cell phone, and there were always staff on campus if I really needed help. There were, of course, always break-out panic attacks -- when my cell phone would malfunction, when my girlfriend didn't have her phone on her, the time I stayed up at school when she went home for the weekend, when we were in unfamiliar parts of town, or simply when my thoughts would run wild at night and a panic attack would build. Still, I thought my anxiety was pretty well-managed; I avoided my triggers, and things were generally OK.
I am now in my second year of college, home for Christmas break after the first semester. I moved into an apartment across the street from campus, and my girlfriend is in the dorms. The year was going just fine, as the year before it had. However, that's when the dynamic started to shift, and my anxiety became more and more prominent. Since I have an apartment, my girlfriend started spending the night more and more often at my place to get away from her drunk roommates, to spend time with me, and to get away from campus food. I think this started to become habit for me. I work at my student newspaper as the director of photography, and on deadline nights I'd be at the office until 3-4 in the morning working. I'd come home and try to sleep, but the fact that I was up so late made me feel alone, and would trigger panic attacks. It wasn't really until around Thanksgiving that it started to become an issue. Once or twice, I needed to call my girlfriend to hear her voice and remind myself that she was indeed there if I really needed her. This was always enough to end the attack and let me sleep.
When I came home for Christmas break, I felt completely comfortable back home, and felt that it was OK to drink caffeine. The third or fourth night home, however, I experienced one of my worst panic attacks. I was lying in bed at around 2am, trying to fall asleep, when I noticed my leg was numb. This set my thoughts running, wondering what the cause of that could be. As my mind ran through all of the terrible possibilities, my body started to tense and my heart started to race, building into a panic attack. I found myself uncontrollably shaking. I woke my mom up, and she sat for a while with me, talking to me and trying to calm me down. The panic attacks came in waves, subsided for a minute or so, and then came rushing back for about an hour that night. I took a sleep aid (diphenhydramine) and eventually fell asleep. The next day, I was terrified of having another panic attack of that scale, and had to fight the feeling off all day. Ever since then, it's been extremely difficult for me to get to sleep. During the day, I am fine, but once the day winds down and it's time for bed, I find that the panic attacks start building. I've slept over at my girlfriend's house a few nights because it makes it a lot easier. I think the disruption in schedule coupled with the caffeine triggered that big panic attack, and ever since then I've been hypervigilant about having another one. Now that I'm home and my schedule is so different, it's really throwing me for a loop.
So, I've finally decided that enough is enough. I registered an account here back when I started having break-through anxiety near Thanksgiving, but never started posting until now. I've scheduled a doctor's appointment for the 4th, and I'm going to talk to my GP (who has me on Paxil) about pursuing more treatment options. I don't know what that will entail; perhaps it will help me to manage my panic attacks if I know that I have a benzodiazepine like Xanax or Valium if I absolutely need it. Maybe I need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist who can start some sort of psychotherapy -- I know that I could be doing more to fight this, and I've decided to really start pursuing my options. I've really had enough.
My girlfriend is absolutely wonderful. She puts up with all of the limitations I feel I have under my condition, constantly advocates for me, understands so clearly what I'm going through, and is a constant source of support. She's been pushing me to get more help on this, and I'm finally listening to her. My mom is also fantastic; she suffers from anxiety herself, and knows what it's like first-hand. She's coming with me to the doctor to help me structure my treatment and help fix this.
So, now you have what is basically my life story; I'm sure it was probably much more helpful for me to write all of this than it will be for any of you to read it.
I think I found this board from a link off of Wikipedia or something a little while back. I've finally decided to start using it.
I am a 20 year-old American male, and have suffered from anxiety issues for about 12 years -- the first panic attack I can remember was in 2nd grade. Of course, back then I didn't know what it was, but I definitely remember the sensations and symptoms. Ever since then, I've had health anxiety and agoraphobia issues.
When I was little and my parents finally realized that the issues I was having were anxiety-related, I first went to the school counselor, who referred us to a therapist, who referred us to a psychologist, who referred us to a psychiatrist. I don't really remember a lot of how I explained my condition; I certainly didn't have a very good grasp of what exactly my problems were, what made me anxious, and how exactly that anxiety manifested itself. The psychiatrist started me on Zoloft, an SSRI. That helped, but of course didn't cure me. I continued having attacks; they were just much better contained and never out of control. I knew generally what situations and conditions triggered them, and I knew how to relieve them. For the most part, I never really told anyone about my anxiety issues. I was already a quiet kid, and even before I developed anxiety problems, I was always reserved. My closest friends had a vague idea that I had some sort of anxiety-related problem sometimes, but that's about it.
When I was in high school, I started dating an amazing girl. I'd known her since 2nd grade, but we were never more than acquaintances. Then, in 10th grade, we started dating. As the relationship progressed, she started to get to know me very closely, and I explained everything I knew about my anxiety to her. She accepted it with unbelievable grace.
When I graduated high school, I knew that I would not be able to enter college away from home without my anxiety severely affecting my studies and making me miserable. As bad of a decision as it seems, I chose my university basically based on where my girlfriend was going. By this time, we'd been dating for 2 years, and I'd grown closer to her than I'd ever been with anyone else. Luckily, we ended up at a university that was very high on my list as well, so I didn't have to compromise my education because of my condition.
Before I left for school, I had another doctor's appointment. By this time, I'd switched over to Paxil (generic) for one reason or another. My first year of college came and went fairly smoothly. I completely avoided caffeine and other stimulants, and knew that my girlfriend was there for me if I needed her. I was two and a half hours away from home, but I still felt pretty secure; my girlfriend had a car, I had a cell phone, and there were always staff on campus if I really needed help. There were, of course, always break-out panic attacks -- when my cell phone would malfunction, when my girlfriend didn't have her phone on her, the time I stayed up at school when she went home for the weekend, when we were in unfamiliar parts of town, or simply when my thoughts would run wild at night and a panic attack would build. Still, I thought my anxiety was pretty well-managed; I avoided my triggers, and things were generally OK.
I am now in my second year of college, home for Christmas break after the first semester. I moved into an apartment across the street from campus, and my girlfriend is in the dorms. The year was going just fine, as the year before it had. However, that's when the dynamic started to shift, and my anxiety became more and more prominent. Since I have an apartment, my girlfriend started spending the night more and more often at my place to get away from her drunk roommates, to spend time with me, and to get away from campus food. I think this started to become habit for me. I work at my student newspaper as the director of photography, and on deadline nights I'd be at the office until 3-4 in the morning working. I'd come home and try to sleep, but the fact that I was up so late made me feel alone, and would trigger panic attacks. It wasn't really until around Thanksgiving that it started to become an issue. Once or twice, I needed to call my girlfriend to hear her voice and remind myself that she was indeed there if I really needed her. This was always enough to end the attack and let me sleep.
When I came home for Christmas break, I felt completely comfortable back home, and felt that it was OK to drink caffeine. The third or fourth night home, however, I experienced one of my worst panic attacks. I was lying in bed at around 2am, trying to fall asleep, when I noticed my leg was numb. This set my thoughts running, wondering what the cause of that could be. As my mind ran through all of the terrible possibilities, my body started to tense and my heart started to race, building into a panic attack. I found myself uncontrollably shaking. I woke my mom up, and she sat for a while with me, talking to me and trying to calm me down. The panic attacks came in waves, subsided for a minute or so, and then came rushing back for about an hour that night. I took a sleep aid (diphenhydramine) and eventually fell asleep. The next day, I was terrified of having another panic attack of that scale, and had to fight the feeling off all day. Ever since then, it's been extremely difficult for me to get to sleep. During the day, I am fine, but once the day winds down and it's time for bed, I find that the panic attacks start building. I've slept over at my girlfriend's house a few nights because it makes it a lot easier. I think the disruption in schedule coupled with the caffeine triggered that big panic attack, and ever since then I've been hypervigilant about having another one. Now that I'm home and my schedule is so different, it's really throwing me for a loop.
So, I've finally decided that enough is enough. I registered an account here back when I started having break-through anxiety near Thanksgiving, but never started posting until now. I've scheduled a doctor's appointment for the 4th, and I'm going to talk to my GP (who has me on Paxil) about pursuing more treatment options. I don't know what that will entail; perhaps it will help me to manage my panic attacks if I know that I have a benzodiazepine like Xanax or Valium if I absolutely need it. Maybe I need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist who can start some sort of psychotherapy -- I know that I could be doing more to fight this, and I've decided to really start pursuing my options. I've really had enough.
My girlfriend is absolutely wonderful. She puts up with all of the limitations I feel I have under my condition, constantly advocates for me, understands so clearly what I'm going through, and is a constant source of support. She's been pushing me to get more help on this, and I'm finally listening to her. My mom is also fantastic; she suffers from anxiety herself, and knows what it's like first-hand. She's coming with me to the doctor to help me structure my treatment and help fix this.
So, now you have what is basically my life story; I'm sure it was probably much more helpful for me to write all of this than it will be for any of you to read it.