View Full Version : Mate not very understanding? This hurt.
I have finally started admitting that yes, I suffer anxiety attacks...I am not hiding any more behind this medical excuse or that, and am head on tackling it with what seems like some progress. I was really sad last eve when after a nasty argument following some Thanksgiving family issues, and me finally being assertive after all these years and not going over around my mean natured ass of a sister in law, but staying home and cooking the supper here at our own home, my hubs says out of the blue "You're daft! You go to a hospital with shortness of breath and swallowing difficulties and out and out admit to them and me that this is anxiety, and nothing is medically wrong with you. Can you be trusted with our kiddies here at home?"
I was crushed, guys, and not trying to get out the whine train for myself, but thought "Geeze...do you think I LIKE facing this head on? I have to for me. I won't hide from it any more! I have not had good luck with the xanax, and the exercise routines, breathing/yoga, food adjustments, CBT self help methods, and support online is helping famously." "Well you need meds and I might haul you to the funny farm if it continues." I told him calmly that it has continued for years since I was 16. I had just never been so honest with myself or anyone else, and his poor reaction was not helping. I did NOT, however, have a panic, and feel strong from that fact. I celebrated that today by taking, (and making it!!!) a 45 minute walk through the city to the grocery, and milled about in the store, and was able to overcome any sense that I wanted to flee the grocery! I also feel strong for (and perhaps I did not handle it in the most sensitive fashion) standing up and not being a wall flower for this quack of a sister in law at the Thanksgiving table...abused as we all are by her judgmental, ignorant mouth.
Well...
No one understands what we think, feel, struggle with from an anxiety attack. I wish my partner had a better understanding. I think he's afraid, and if there is not a pill, a hospital, or medical label, he is not coping with it well right now.
Anything work out sensibly for you all regarding bringing your mate on board with this recovery/face it head on phase? Love to hear your advice
Love to all,
Taf
Taf!!!
OUCH!!!!!!!! I cannot believe your husband said this to you!!??!!!
I am so sorry!! If he has any sense at all, please drag him to see your psychologist. I am so pissed thinking that he could say this to you! He's the one with a real problem! Not you! If he will not go for counseling with you, you are better off living with someone who cares about you. Family or friend, you need support, not ignorant, judgemental, damaging remarks. ARRRRRRRRRGH! Do NOT let him get away with treating you like that! Please???
I am so proud of you for being so strong! It sounds like you are really taking important steps towards recovery! You keep it up Girl!!
Thinking of you!
Love,
Andrea
"Honey, if ya ain't feelin' the bumps in the road, ya ain't goin' nowhere!" (A wise Georgia Granny's take on living life to the fullest! LOL!)
Hi Taf,
Very well done for standing up for yourself, I agree with Andrea 'ouch' for what hubby said, don't let this bring you down as many people don't understand anxiety until they have experienced it. Also who knows he may even suffer himself one day - we are none of us immune.
You have done so well tackling the shops like that and working on your acceptance of the problem (this something I have trouble with).
Well done!!!
Love Piglet :D
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Yes...quite insensitive and out of character for hubs! I realized in looking back that I have never really even addressed or directly told him that I had panics, never explained it, never addressed it. I just did not realize others had them, what it meant to ones whole body to have panics, etc. This forum has helped me to start being more direct, regardless of the outcomes if one finds out I have anxiety, and that is good! Painful at times, but good! The forum also outlines some real direct exercises and concrete ideas for working through and with panics.
I can remember two panics I had when with hubs. I totally hid it...suffered in silence, so to speak. One was several years back while we were out to eat. I excused myself to the car for the meal, saying that my stomach was upset. Not true, but how I handled the painful panic attack alone in the car by my demands...just leave me alone a bit, I said.
Well...this pattern of mine continued...the hiding. If hubs asked, I said I felt out of breath from asthma, or just needed a bit of alone time, etc.[Ugh]
You know, I admitted it, and the world did not fall in...the sky is still where it was before I told my husband, and if he needs some verbalization to put it in perspective for him, oh well. I know I am trying to face it head on...warts and all now....As I told him, I am not daft. I told him that little did he know, but when I was a stay at home mommy for a time, little did he know that I suffered in silence some doozy of a couple panics for a bit, and the kiddies and I did just fine. Again, the sky did not fall in, the world did not stop, and the kiddies are doing, and I might brag, just great [^] in my "mommy" opinion, and certainly no worse for the wear.
The only one worse for the wear is me...me for not telling and talking about what I was feeling or going through. Me for shutting everyone out of my world as tightly as I could so they would not find out I was not super mommy, super teacher, super wife, [Duh!] like anyone ever could live up to such [:O]self imposed standards? I am now all about letting the chips fall where they may...and if hubs can't be on board, it will work out somehow, although I trust him and his cleverness for resiliency.
Ironically....Piglet, and Andrea......and I am not kidding here, although it sounds a bit fantastic a story. His brother called last night. GUESS who suffered two outragous panics with tummy so bad he vomited after going thru one...yes, his poor brother who just went through a surgery about 10 days prior, and is bravely, I think, saying that it has emotionally and physically taking it out of him as he heals. Just (and I am very proud of him, frankly) out and out telling everyone sensibly (wish i would have been so sensible years ago[Oops!][Duh!]) that "Hey...I woke up breathless and shaking the other night." It is just the medications from the surgery, my hubs told him, trying desperately to immediately label it as a medical condition. I was shocked when my B-I-L out and out said, "No. It was an anxiety attack." What?????[Wow!] I thought to myself. Couldn't believe he said that. ...He is quite the macho type who would not be comfortable admitting anything, more or less to say he has anxiety of any kind.
I suppose that humans need to sort, classify, and organize and then attach a label to anything they are scared of. I think that is where we are right now. It is easier to say, "My wife has asthma, thyroid problems, etc." than say "My wife suffers from panic attacks and anxiety disorder.
Perhaps humans are always afraid of blame somehow. Perhaps no one can question him, his self-imposed role as a protector, leader, or say,"what are you doing to cause someone anxiety or not prevent it?"
Anyhow, it is quite a growing process, this admitting panic thing.
Did not mean to prattle on quite so long....But remember....The sky did not sink when I: A) admitted to someone I love that I have panics with no discernable medical label or quick fix cure B) I am taking steps to work through it, be honest with mys
Hello Taf,
Don't be afraid of ever prattling on on this site. In fact it was great to read your messages, not because of what is a very difficult situation for you but because through it all, you seem very positive.
It can be very difficult for partners to understand why we go through this and sometimes they say something out of turn, not from lack of caring but out of frustration at not knowing what to do.
Anyway, you will not end up in a funny farm and i am sure you are doing a great job bringing up your kids so don't be disheartened. I hope i will speak to you maybe in the chat room.
Theo :D
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> Please learn from my mistakes. Don't ever hide from or shy away from who you are...warts and all! It is your marks which make you unique, individual, sensitive, intuitive, special.
Love to all,
Taf[:P]
<div align="right">Originally posted by taf - 26 November 2005 : 18:32:34</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Absolutely right mate - I may even print that bit off!!!!
Love Piglet x
Taf ..
Good for you . What whopping progress you have made recently and a huge round of applause for assertiveness..
If you think your husband is open to learning print off a few things and giev them to read .
If the BIL knew about anxiety attacks then it wouldn't surprise me if he hasn't been this way before .. or someone close to him has .
You keep doing your things and making that progress.
Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com
Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?
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