Anyone worry about their parents dying?

[99% dead inside]

I worry about them dying. It's not on my mind 24/7 or anything, but it really gets me in a rut when I do. It's like I'll be lying in bed at night trying to sleep, and I'll suddenly think about my mum, and what if she died tomorrow, what would I do then? I've worried about it since I was 13.
I'm agoraphobic and haven't done anything really since I left high-school 6 years ago, so I'm kind of a burden on my family. I want to make them happy, but I do the opposite because I never leave the house. So I feel major guilt most of the time, and find myself worrying about them dying.

I don't mean I actually imagine her death, just the aftermath. Like what would the funeral be like, could I ever be happy after it, what the hell would I do. I don't deal with death well, obviously no one does, but most people don't lye awake all night worrying about their family dying.

I know it's messed up but I can't be the only person on here that worries about it a bit more than the average person. So if you do, how do you stop yourself thinking about it? Like I say I don't think about it everyday, it just gets me depressed every now and then.


I need to sleep damn it! :blush:
Ok thanks, bye.

[loulabella]

Hiya,

Mine is not the same as yours as I do worry about my parents dying buy I worry more about my 4 year old. My MSc tutor lost her 8 year old girl at the end of 2008 and it made it 10 x worse... it was horrid IMAGINING the pain she felt and then how I would feel if my son died. I still do it. I imagine the pain I will feel and sometimes cry to sleep at night. I spoke to my mum about it and she said even tho all her children are now in their 20's it still gets to her, so I think what ur experiencing is normal.

I think overcoming it is realising it's normal and just because you love them so much... I wonder if it is an age thing - if u left high school 6 years ago - are u 21ish? I am 27 and know it got worse in my 20's.

x

[pollyanna]

Hi, i worry about my parents, my husband my son, my sisters and their families, and as you say not the actual event, but the aftermath, what it will feel like, how devastated i will be, how i would i ever get over it, it actually began when i had my son 18 years ago, as did all my other anxieties and depression,( i think there is some sort of link with having children and anxiety related illness, i have heard so many people who experience it)
I dont think of it everyday, but i do think of it A LOT, As for how i stop myself thinking about it, i have to forcefully keep saying in my head STOP, and keep pushing it away, and also saying, I DONT NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS TODAY, somedays it works and sometimes not. i also think about it of myself, too, ( i cant actually bring myself to say the actual word), and i know it happens to everyone eventually , but its like you have just been let into the biggest secret in the world!! if that makes sense... its horrible, and many a night i have cried myself to sleep. i wish my brain didnt work the way it does, i really do, and i have every sympathy with you, its really horrible and very distressing.
I too would be interested to hear how anyone else deals with this particular problem.

P x

[unspoken]

It's not so much something I consciously worry about as something I dream about. My mother was very ill back in 1998 with a brain tumour and has epilepsy and is disabled and also morbidly obese. Plus both my parents are in their 60s (I'm 21). My 24 year old sister has ME and has bipolar depression so sometimes she feels very low and suicidal.

I have dreams about people dying quite often. Sometimes someone's trying to kill me and I wake up just as they catch up with me or the car is falling over the cliff or whatever. Other times though, I dream about family members or friends dying. I think it is proof that you love them and care about them. I sometimes wake up crying and it makes me feel shaken up and unsettled all day when I have a dream like that. I think being anxious people, we're more likely to be troubled a lot by these kind of thoughts.

As pollyanna says above, the only way I know of to deal with it is to say "No I don't need to think about this. Stop." and put on some music or the radio to distract yourself and change your thoughts.

[kelsbels82]

Hi, I have your worry all the time, it even stops me doing things or going out..... like on new years i was torn between going to see my sis or staying with my mum. What if i went to my sis and summin happened to my mum and i was the only one able to help her and vive versa.
:weep:
I totally know how you feel, it leaves you feeling mentally and physically drained. I totally agree with above replies distract yourself that will work alot of the time. But some times u need to just ride it out and know that at the end of it everyone will ok. its just an irrational thought triggered by anxiety. And maybe alot of it is u wanting to please ur family and u dont feel like u have made the best with the time u have had. I have the same fears so im now trying to better myself and do things that i have maybe put off, give myself some goals and hopefully these will replace the negative thoughts.
I totally feel for you try to stay positive i know its hard....:bighug:

[Paranoia]

I think about it. My dad who has had 2 heartattacks is on my mind all the time. I was 8 years old when he had his first and he also had to have heart surgery and then in 2007 he had another heartattack and I was alone with him then, and he nearly died.

I always worry about my mum when she's out late or doesn't call. I have many times run out of the apartment to look for her if she hasn't contacted me cause I think she could be hurt or dead.

I know what ya'll feel.

[Bill]

We always focus on worries about what is most important to us or what we rely on most because it's what we fear losing most.

For instance, with "99%", you're agoraphobic so your parents are invaluable to you so they are what you fear losing most because you need them.

With "Loula", your son is what you value you most so losing him is what you fear most so your worry will then focus on him.

"Pollyanna"....there is a problem with this technique which is why it doesn't always work....

As for how i stop myself thinking about it, i have to forcefully keep saying in my head STOP, and keep pushing it away, and also saying, I DONT NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS TODAY, somedays it works and sometimes not.

There is nothing wrong in telling our minds to STOP before we start dwelling on a worry because if we allow ourselves to continue, we only end up feeling really ill because the worry triggers all the anxious symptoms which make us feel ill. However, you should never try pushing a worrying thought away. The reason is that by doing so you create a barrier in your mind to stop yourself thinking the thought. This in effect means that you're resisting thought which then means you tense up which then creates the anxious feelings you're trying to prevent because by resisting you're allowing the thought to stress you because it frightens you to think the thought.

What we should do with Any worry is yes, tell our minds to Stop dwelling But allow ourselves to think the thought but then allow the thought "through us" just as you would a thought about a cream cake. Don't try to resist it so that you avoid tensing up.

The way I treat worries depends on the type of worry. I feel worries fall into 2 categories -

1) Those beyond our control that are often triggered by what we hear around us.

2) Those within our control that are affecting our lives.

In the former, as soon as something triggers a worry but there's absolutely nothing you can do about the subject, let it go. Use distraction to stop you dwelling on it. Find something else to think about. There's no point analysing something when there is nothing we can do about it.

In the latter when it's within our control, use your thoughts productively by producing a plan to tackle the worry so that the worry is dealt with, even if you feel too afraid to face it. If you leave it undealt with you'll only prolong the worry.

Life is what it is. We cannot control everything around us. All we can do is "accept" what living means and to "accept" the rough with the smooth. Don't dwell on the bad times but try to look forward to the good times.

Yes, I lost my best friend nearly a month ago and yes, it was something I was dreading, and yes, it takes time to come to terms with bad events. However, there was no point dwelling on what I knew was going to happen or I would have made myself ill Before it had happened.

My mother also has an incurable illness and that is also I often think about but I know if I keep dwelling on it, I'll only make myself too ill to cope and nor will I enjoy having the time we have. We therefore try to make the most of the times we share and have a good laugh together. It may well be that I will have to accept losing her if I outlive her and I know I will be devastated just as I was a month ago but I also know I mustn't dwell on the thought or try to stop myself thinking about it. I just have to accept what life is. None of us live forever but we can still find enjoyment if we allow ourselves by not dwelling on things beyond our control. Life is too short to waste on worries because we then never enjoy life. Worrying is the cause to All our problems.:hugs:

[pollyanna]

Bill,
you are such a wise man, reading your post, it all makes perfect sense, i am going to heid your advice, and try dealing with this issue in the way you suggest, i dont expect it to be easy, but hopefully it gets easier through time.

best wishes P x

[Bill]

Something I forgot to say.....

The more we try to push away a thought that frightens us, the more it'll keep coming back to bully us! Another reason why reverse psychology is more effective- the thought frightens us so it Makes us want to push it away because that's what it wants us to do because then it knows it can keep bugging us! If we let in and say to it "so what?" it loses its power so has no choice but to find someone else who will fall for its devious trick! Don't let it bully you and tell it to get lost!:winks::hugs:

[99% dead inside]

Hey, thanks to everyone that replied. :hugs:
It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one with this poison in my head. Yeah I'm 22, so I've been thinking these thoughts for a long time.


So sorry to hear about your troubles guys. If I had a son or daughter I think I'd worry whether they're happy/safe most of the time too.
Paranoia, I can't believe that you have been through all that with your dad and aren't in a mental hospital, I would've driven myself crazy with worry. So well done to you for being so strong! :hugs:

Kelbels, you hit the nail on the head. I worry that I won't have time to change their perception of me, you know, like by the time I sort myself out and am happy they'll be dead and that frightens the **** out of me!

Special thanks to Pollyanna for the secret tip! I know it sounds basic but i'll try it next time I have these thoughts. I'll say "STOP! I don't need to think of this, nothing good will come of it!" :)

And big thanks to you Bill, for the huge psychological post. A lot of good wise knowledge there, thanks for sharing. The reverse psychology point is very interesting!


Again, thanks to EVERYONE that posted a response! I appreciate it a LOT! :hugs:

Hopefully that secret tip can help us all out! :)

[SleeplessFog]

After my sister died, my fear of something happening to my parents has escalated. Since I don't live nearby, the fear that I haven't seen them enough, etc, creeps into my head, just as it did when my sister died.

Since my sister's death, my mom doesn't go to the doctor, etc, because she doesn't trust them anymore. Everyone in my mom's life (mom, dad, daughter) that have died because the doctors couldn't do anything for them (in her mind). She is so neglectful of her health its worrisome to me. She doesn't drink or smoke....but the fact that she hasn't had the doctor checkups a woman in her 60s should be getting terrifies me (I don't think she has been to a doctor in at least 10 years...and I mean any type of doctor). Its like a horrible cancer waiting to happen.

My dad takes good care of himself, but works in an injury prone environment.

I know that life happens and we cannot control it, but I have difficulty with this, and am still working on accepting things the way they happen. I used to be that way, but after my sister's death, it is very hard to just accept that things just happen. I was upset because I didn't get to enjoy the time we still had, because a) I didn't know what was going to happen and b) I felt guilt for living so far away the whole time.

I just try to tell myself that I am sort of showing how much I care about my parents, and that I can't worry myself over things I cannot control. It is a difficult task. But I am working on it.

Maybe we should all try to let go of small worries? And maybe this thought about our parents is more a message about enjoying the time we are actually together...instead of worrying the whole time?

[SleeplessFog]

And Bill...thank you for the post...it is very helpful.