I worry Im Gonna Commit Suicide One Day

[smudger]

Hi. I genuinely want to die a lot of the time and I don't know why. I have never actually tried to take my life because I couldn't bear to cause my little girl pain, its just too much. No way, not ever. I have a constant worry developing now, "what if I become selfish (thats how I feel I would be) and put me first one day and do take my life and leave her alone with Daddy, with no Mummy. These thoughts are really playing on my mind. I don't know what to do to stop them.I have told the doctor and counsellor about this.Apart from medication (which doesnt help these thoughts go away), what can I do in practical terms? Sound really crazy don't I?

[unspoken]

Hi,

It's good that you've been able to tell your doctor and counsellor about these thoughts. It suggests you're not that likely to actually go through with it because you know they're irrational thoughts and you know that you shouldn't be thinking this way.

Perhaps try writing a list of reasons to be alive. Illustrate it with photos and other things. Anything from seeing your daughter smile, wanting to see your daughter get married, a beautiful sunset, lying on a beach on holiday, the little moments and experiences that make life seem worth it. Then when you're troubled by these thoughts, you have this list there to remind you. It's just an idea though, I'm not exactly in this situation. :hugs:

[Going home]

There certainly seems to be a few people on the forum tonight who feel the same way as you do at the moment. This can only be depression, because people who suffer with anxiety usually don't want to die...they have a great fear of it, hence the HA for most. If there really is no reason why you should feel this way, such as a trauma or something that has happened to you etc, then I would say your doctor should think about changing any medication you're on...if you take any for depression that is. If the feeling is so strong then, as was suggested to another member tonight, maybe it would make you feel better to talk to the samaritans? They're really good with this, and trained to deal with people who feel this way.

Please take care of yourself
GH xx

[pollyanna]

Hi Smudger,

I have thought about all the' what if' one day i cant take it anymore, and i want to end it, i have never attempted it in all the years i have been bothered by mental illhealth,( and i have had quite a few rough times) but i have thought many times that i wished i had never been born, and therefore wouldnt have to go through this, as one of the above posts has said, it is an irrational thought, at one point it went through my mind all the time and worried me, that i kept thinking everytime i drove on the motorway i would open the car door and jump out, why, i have no idea, but this thought really bothered me, like you i have discussed these thoughts with my psychologist, and the fact that they bother me and i know its irrational, i am very, very unlikely to ever carry it out, and apparently its very common to have these type of thoughts, i know that is no comfort to you at present.I really dont know what the answer is, but you dont sound crazy. honest. just wanted to send you a hug too. :hugs: P x

[unspoken]

To add to what pollyanna said, I think everyone does get irrational thoughts from time to time.

When I was at school, one of my friends told me that she often thought about standing up and shouting during the middle of the whole school assembly. It's not something she ever did, just one of those thoughts where you think "what if I did that?" I have also had those kind of thoughts.

To actually go through with suicide is a lot more difficult than just having the "what if?" kind of thoughts. You sound pretty self-aware. If you ever need to talk to someone about these thoughts or feel like you might act on them, do call the Samaritans.

[Corinne]

Your little girl is a huge reason to be here. I'm sure there are many more. It's good that you can speak with your doctor about your feelings. If you are on any medication, perhaps a change would be in order?

Try to divert your thoughts when you think of dying. A trick I used was to yell, "NO!" and then do something like a puzzle or scrubbing the kitchen floor. One time, many years ago, I scrubbed the floor 17 times in one day. Go ahead and have a giggle! I had the cleanest floor in New Castle and it kept my mind occupied.

Think of how much you mean to the people who love you. You are important and special. As other posters mentioned, call the Samaritans (I have no idea who they are since we do not have them in the US.) I know they helped another person on the forum.

Take care. Sending special thoughts and hugs your way.

[andrea thompson]

hi hunny

i think lots of people have these thoughts - if you have been having them regularly for a while i would discuss this with your dr. i know these thoughts are awful - in the past i have really worried that i might flip out and do something silly or hurt myself or someone else but as i have recovered these thoughts have faded. ( thank god). i dont feel like that anymore so thats a sign that this will not last forever - it will fade.

if you ever feel the need ring the samaritans.... they know how to deal with these thoughts.

take care

andrea x x

[bangz]

hey you're not alone. i've actually been having this fear lately..i don't really want to die, i'm just scared that i want to, if that makes any sense. but i think its just another anxiety thing for me, since i'm always finding something to worry about.

this is going to pass...it will fade, like another poster said. try to distract yourself...that can really help. maybe find a new hobby, like painting (in your spare time) or drawing or writing or something--do something just for you...it doesn't have to be pretty or amazing or anything...it's just for YOU. you know what, i was just having irrational thoughts, and then i went and starting handwashing my bras (lol) and i feel a bit better. i also started writing a story last night, so i'm excited about that.

also, if you've ever heard of mindfulness -- it means to stay in the moment, not obsess about the past or the future. just stay in THAT moment and don't get too ahead of yourself, because that's how we trip ourselves up. when you're trying to be in the moment just start off by saying to yourself whatever you're doing at the moment, like, "i'm typing on the computer on nomorepanic.co.uk right now"...slowly as you immerse yourself in what you're doing all the other nonsense will fade away...it'll help you to gain awareness...it takes effort but the peace you get is sooo worth it...

feel better =]

[smudger]

Thank you so much everybody. You all makes make so much sense.Its comforting to know that other people feel like this and that the odds are that I wont do anything. I just worry coz I love my daughter SO much.Going Home, no personal trauma has caused my feelings. That really frustrates me! Ive had life experiences like everybody else, had ICSI (IVF) 3 times, lost a twin baby during pregnancy, had a couple of near death experiences but I think I have dealt with these.Bangz, yes Im scared I want to die too. That makes more sense. I understand what you are saying.I started embroidery over Christmas with my daughter, haven't done that since I was child and I really loved it so Im going to go buy the materials today and start my own.Thanks for the idea.The mindfullness thing, thats a gr8 idea too. Ill work on that rather than the what ifs!

Andrea, I have been on new medication (changed form citalopram to metazapine) for I think 24 days now n these feelings have been with me all the time regardless of my medication. I hope they do fade one day though. At the moment I do not feel optimistic I'm afraid but I promise to try n take advice on board.I'm going to write my reasons to be alive today as suggested by Unspoken. In fact Im going to call it' What Makes u happy' and do it with my daughter (she will say buying a pony no doubt if we win the lottery!), she has an inset day today.

Corinne, my hubby would love me to clean the floor 17 times!lol! I like the idea of saying NO to myself when these thoughts kick in though. I need to get control back so this could help.

Unspoken, you are right, I am self aware. My issue is when Ive been in a 'state' recently I feel that self awareness fading. Thats when I feell REALLY vulnerable to giving into this feeling. What if I have no self awareness at all.Again Im worrying about the what ifs I guess.

Pollyanna, thanks for the hug, Ive done the motorway thing too! Its funny though, its NEVER when my daughter is in the car, I wont allow myself to let these thoughts in when she is with me, I guess she is better than my medication in this respect!

Thanks for your wise words, I feel lifted today..........:yesyes:

[pollyanna]

smudger,

i am so glad you feel more uplifed today, let us know how the embrriodery goes...
Next time these thoughts come back in your head, come back and re read your post here, that will help you rationalise it, shrink it down, and put it in its place( kick it to the kerb) lol

hope you have a good ay

hugs and best wishes :hugs:

P x

[bellabessnjet]

Hi,
Yes I feel like you do a lot of the time, I know it upsets my hubby and I dont think I want to die I just want the pain in my head to stop. The only thing that stops me is my family to, I love my son and hubby so much, they both have versions of autism and I cant be that selfish. I have in my youth tried to hang myself, and last year had all the tablets lined up but didnt/couldnt. I have talked to Drs about this and am now having CBT. I wrote a post about not just celebrating New Year, its such a long time, so I've decided to celebrate each month and make a resolution each month. This month is to eat a piece of fruit a day, so Happy January. one day at a time and we'll get there.

[gypsywomen]

please dont think this way ,,you will get well you will