View Full Version : REALLY nervous.
I'm supposed to leave for America in 2 days and I'm starting to feel really, really anxious about it. I don't think going back on Citalorpram was a good idea at all. I'm still in worse shape mentally than I was before going on them.
I've noticed that a lot of things that weren't really bothering me before have all bubbled to the surface and I feel a lot of anger and anxiety about them. I'm assuming this wasn't happening before because I had myself wound up so tight that I was suppressing the emotions. Now I'm being forced to deal with them, which I don't think is altogether bad, stuffing anything down isn't healthy. It's just not the best time for be to be dealing with this sh*t when I'm due for a 20 day trip to the States where I have to wrestle with Agoraphobia at the same time as dealing with 3 years of mental garbage. Not to mention my physical health isn't great either. I feel God awful right now thanks to my "digestive" problems.
I'm seriously debating postponing the trip now. I'm trembling thinking about it, and my palms are sweating like hell. It's driving me up the wall. I really don't feel like my head is in the game enough to be able to deal with all this at once.
Hi mate, what made you go back on the citalopram? Was it the heightened anxiety?
I have got a feeling that thinking of the trip itself is what is causing you to feel so bad. You've got agoraphobia too, so it's totally understandable.
If you cancel this trip you will regret it. You might feel relieved at first but you will have allowed your anxiety to win. I reckon this has a lot to do with the digestive problems as well; something this important plays on your mind even when you aren't consciously thinking about it.
Go to America, have a fantastic time, and if that fear starts to rise up grab it by the horns like a championship matador chucking his sword and cloak away and grappling with the bull. :D
I dunno man, I'm dubious as hell. I have a lot to lose if this all goes wrong. My girlfriend said I drove her up the wall last time I was there because I was so stressed out (sympathy isn't in her vocubulary by the way, even though she caused my relapse) and shes been treating me like crap (even more than she was) since I got back.
If she bins me, I lose my daughter too. If this all goes pear shaped because I did it before I felt ready, I'll regret that more than letting anxiety win. At the end of the day, I can usually control my anxiety, a lot better than most can who have it. Right now though, I'm just burned out as hell and can't concentrate.
Thanks for the words of encouragement though, you're a good bloke. I really appreciate it mate.
Then try to relax when you get there: lose yourself in looking around and seeing all the fat people. (Am I allowed to say that?) Have a look at the strange and over-sized cars. Do things you can't do in England, for example get value for money in a restaurant. If your girlfriend bitches at you, apologise for getting so stressed, but remind her that it's a big thing for you, so she should give you a break. If she carries on giving you grief tell her that you've made the effort to go all the way out there while suffering from anxiety and agoraphobia, so she might want to stop her lips from emitting noise at you ;)
Anxiety is the fear of what might be. Reality is what actually happens. The two are rarely the same. Get out there and show the Yanks that not every British tourist is a p*ssed-up football hooligan.
I tried that last time, as far as she's concerned the effort that it took me to get out there is irrelevant. She doesn't understand how hard it is for me to go out there, nor does she care. If I tell her how hard it is, she'll tell me I'm whining or find a way to use my problem as a way to beat me with it, like an emotional baton.
As for anxiety about what might happen. You have to understand, I've been out there and I know what it felt like last time. It was by far the hardest week of my life. Nothing has ever come close to how difficult that was, so my anxiety is an educated opinion, not a fabrication of an irrational fear.
I knew I'd have to go back out there again, so that was the point of the Citalopram. To give me the ability to focus and feel calm, like I felt like when I was on them last time.
It sounds like your partner's bottom needs to be introduced to Mr Boot!! She sounds pretty insensitive. If conquering anxiety was easy, we'd all be rappelling down the Empire State Building with smiles on our faces. Or something.
It's your call whether or not you go mate but you are not the same person as you were the last time you went and it could turn out very differently this time around. I still recommend you go.
Yeah, you're right mate. I probably will just bite the bullet and go for it. Even though I'm stressing like hell about it, I'm still a stubborn f*cker about letting things get the better of me.
I'm gonna go to the docs tomorrow though, see if I can get something to help with the fatigue. That's probably a wise move before I do anything.
Instead of looking for "fat" people, you will find that most people will welcome a visitor from another country. Americans do not have a poor view of people from England.
Perhaps your doctor can give you something for just anxiety. I wish you well on your trip.
Actually the people I met in September were lovely to me. Everyone couldn't have been nicer, it was very pleasant.
Good. I'm happy to hear that you have a favorable opinion of us "Yanks." We're actually a good sort. That's why I love this forum. I love interacting with people from other countries.
What part of the US will you be visiting? I understand if you'd rather not say.
I do have a favourable opinion of "yanks" I knocked one up for crying out loud, lol
I'll be in Minneapolis Corine :)
:D
Well, if that's not favorable, I don't know what is!
Minnesota! Bring warm clothes! I'm in Pennsylvania, and it's freezing with lots of snow here. Beautiful country up there though. When you see your daughter, I'll bet the anxiety lessens. I take Ativan for anxiety and it is a miracle for me.
Yeah, I still gotta get some more warm clothes. I bought some stuff to keep me warm already though. I'm wondering how much colder its going to be there than here. Right now we have about 10 inches of snow for 2 weeks now and its been getting down to about minus 12 at night time. I've heard mixed reports about where it feels colder. Some day that there does, because the temp gets lower, but then others who have lived there (my friend for instance lived in Winnipeg for 6 months) said that although it was cold, without the severe wind chill like we get, it isn't as bad.
I'm not gonna be taking any chances though, I'll be dressing warm regardless. I'd rather be too warm than too cold, that's for sure.
I'm most definetly looking forward to seeing my daughter, but it isn't all light and fantastic like you might think. I mean I'll do anything for her, even flying 6 thousand miles when I was fighting off the effects of a nervous breakdown and agoraphobia at its extremist, and I'll do it again. Loving something as much as that though, then having to leave her again is absolutely devastating. I cried all the way to the airport last time, like a baby. Because I know I have to leave, when I'm with her, its always at the back of my mind. I just wish none of this sh*t was happening. It's so frustrating.
I really am sorry you are going through this. To even consider doing it shows how strong you really are. I can barely leave my house and you are traveling such a distance. You should puff your chest out a bit! They say love can move mountains!
You sound like a wonderful father. Is there any hope of your daughter visiting you in England? She should know both sides of her heritage.
Remember too that your friend most likely has a computer. You can get on the forum and get support while you are here. I know I had a really bad day today and some wonderful forum people helped me a great deal. I'll keep you in prayer for a safe trip and a fruitful visit. Be strong. I think you'll do great. (Ask your doc about the Ativan.)
I'm actually in Scotland, not England. My girlfriend was supposed to take my daughter over to see me and my family many times but never ever did it. As a result, none of my family have ever met my little girl. Eventually I gave up on asking, especially after I was told "What? NO!!! That's a stupid idea" when I asked last.
She's since suggested to me that she "might" try to get across in the spring time, if I can help her pay for a ticket, but I'm not going to hold my breath. The bottom line is, she doesn't care whether I have a relationship with my daughter or not. I mean if you ask her, she'll deny it totally, but she makes no effort for us to see each other. The extent of her efforts are "I'll let him do this" or "I'll let him do that". I think its fair to mention though, that when I was there the last time and I knew I had to go back, I asked her to come with me. I was so stressed out about being there and leaving them both that I was a bit over emotional. I wasn't crying my eyes out, but I was lying in bed with tears running down my face from the frustration I was feeling. That was the moment she chose to tell me "I'm not an important part of my daughters life" Her words, not mine.
So yeah, to everyone else I may seem like a good father. To her though, I'm scum. It's funny though, the one person on this planet who I care most about what they think of me, has the lowest opinion. Ironic that...
I think her words come more from fear than truth. She may be afraid that you will seek legal visitation, so she dissuades you by trying to make you think you aren't important in your daughter's life. Don't fall for that. When our mental state isn't 100%, we sometimes tend to believe what others say because we aren't focusing at full potential. I speak from experience. LOL Besides, your daughter is going to grow and begin asking questions that may be hard for her mom to answer.
I don't suppose there is any chance of you relocating here? I know that would be a huge step, especially with the anxiety issues. Just a thought.
I just wish I could give you more encouragement. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Just keep telling yourself that you are strong (even if you don't feel it) and can do this. Don't anticipate anything bad. Bring along anything that comforts you at home. The forum is only an internet connection away, and we are all here for you!
I think her words come more from fear than truth. She may be afraid that you will seek legal visitation, so she dissuades you by trying to make you think you aren't important in your daughter's life. Don't fall for that. When our mental state isn't 100%, we sometimes tend to believe what others say because we aren't focusing at full potential. I speak from experience. LOL Besides, your daughter is going to grow and begin asking questions that may be hard for her mom to answer.
I don't suppose there is any chance of you relocating here? I know that would be a huge step, especially with the anxiety issues. Just a thought.
I just wish I could give you more encouragement. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Just keep telling yourself that you are strong (even if you don't feel it) and can do this. Don't anticipate anything bad. Bring along anything that comforts you at home. The forum is only an internet connection away, and we are all here for you!
Oh don't get me wrong, I don't believe her. I think shes full of sh*t and is just a mean hearted *******. The reality is, I place her and my little girl first in every aspect of my life, right down to the point where I give my girlfriend most of what I earn. I'm under no illusions about how well I do, whether she says otherwise or not. EVERYONE in my life can see it, its just her that can't. No doubt because shes refusing to acknowledge it as opposed to not seeing it. She uses that as another way to try to control me, because she knows if she makes me feel bad, shes in control then.
As for filing for visitation, I've sought all the legal advice and know where I stand. It isn't necessary right now, but should the need arise, I'll go for it.
With the relocating, I can't. The one and only way for me to get a work visa is to marry my girlfriend. We're definetly not in a place where that's going to happen, so until that changes, I'm stuck 6 thousand miles away, missing my little girl grow up.
It sounds like you have all your ducks in a row!
I admit I know nothing about immigration. I just thought you could get a Visa if you could prove employment. Shows how much I know!
I'm glad you don't believe the crap she's spewing at you. Good for you. Just keep your thoughts on your daughter.
There are various different ways of getting a work visa. Your immigration laws are the most complex in the world though, thanks to 9/11. I would find it a lot easier to get a work visa if I were a doctor or a lawyer or something, but I'm not. Because of that, the only visa I qualify for is a Fiance' visa, which requires I get married within 90 days. At that point I can apply for a work visa, which then needs to be renewed every 3 years, until the 10th year where I can apply for a green card.
I actually agreed to move there after my girlfriend decided she didn't want to move here, so I learned about how to do it. Hopefully I can still put the knowledge to good use.
Isn't that amazing when we have so many people living here illegally. I guess it's only hard when you want to do the right thing. Big surprise! So I guess having a biological daughter who is an American citizen carries no weight?
Hopefully, it will work out in time.
Haha!!! Yeah, you're not the first person to say that either. It's exactly the same here though, if you do it illegally, they open the gates and put you up in a house at the tax payers expense. Do it legally though and they charge you an arm and a leg, make you jump through loads of hoops and make it an altogether backwards experience. Our immigration laws are very similar to yours actually, procedure wise I mean.
Having a biological daughter who is a U.S citizen doesn't help me any. She can't sponsor me to immigrate until shes 21. As I said, the only way for me to do it is to marry my girlfriend. I've spent a long time learning about this process, even speaking to immigration lawyers to see if there was another way. It's literally that or nothing.
Darn. I thought maybe parental rights would carry some weight.
I really enjoyed talking with you! I'm going to hit the showers. I may be back later. If not, tomorrow for sure. Try to get some rest tonight!
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