anxiety back with a vengeance !!!

[Andromeda]

i'm typing this now to try to take my mind of the full blown panic i can feel erupting inside of me....hopefully it will work and take my mind off it .
i thought i had got over this , i'm not naive enough to think i can just be 100% normal again like that but i thought i had 'cracked the code' .
just accepting the anxiety and realizing that it's not going to harm you - i really felt i'd mastered it !
to an extent i have done as it's been 5 months since my symptoms started and i have given up the beta blockers already as i felt they weren't really doing anything for me , but since christmas it's just been a downward spiral back to a place i can't cope with .
something will trigger my anxiety e.g. my vision will go funny for a second - panic will set in (oh no my eyes are going funny , i must be dying!!!!!) - then my brain kicks in (you are not dying , you have been starring at the light for too long so naturally when you look away your vision is going to be a bit weird) - deep breathing - over the anxiety .

this is the cycle i followed .
but now
i am CONSTANTLY on edge , there's no relief from it , even if i'm just sitting down doing nothing , my leg will be twitching like crazy and my heart will be fluttering !
ANYTHING can set me off , for example someone dropping something (????!) or a loud noise , or basically something unexpected .
as soon as i feel any type of sensation in my body i freak out and believe that i'm going to drop down dead .... when you type that it doesn't look serious , it's almost impossible to describe to someone who has never been through anxiety what that feeling is like , but i genuinely believe that i'm about to die at any moment .
it's so crippling , i'm 20 years old , i want to be able to wake up in the morning and not be scared to move , i want to enjoy my life , i want to be able to go out to clubs and not have to make excuses to leave 10 minutes after getting there because i feel dizzy and sick with anxiety .
i can't seem to get my brain to rationalize with itself anymore , instead my thoughts are just going crazy and i don't feel like i have control over them anymore , i don't know how to get them back !!!!

i don't mean to sound like a whining muppet - as i know there are people much worse off than me , with serious illnesses and terrible things happening with their lives etcetc , but like i've tried to explain to my family , i literally cannot help or shake this feeling , if i could then i wouldn't have an anxiety disorder ?

i know that i'm going to have my ups and downs with this thing , but right now i'm on a massive downer and would like to start feeling better again

the major thing thats getting me down is sleep , i just can't sleep . the only time i'm able to sleep is when i'm literally exhausted and can't keep my eyes open anymore - this meaning that my body clock is completely messed up !!! i don't even know what day it is anymore !
the best moments are those few short seconds when you've just woken up from a deep sleep , and you're blissfully unaware of the anxiety , then you remember and the cycle starts again .
it's those moments that keep me fighting against this stupid thing , because they give me hope that i will be free from it .

okay this has taken my mind of my panic for a few minutes , it's almost 10 am and i haven't slept since yesterday morning .... i'll see if i can get some sleep finally .

random thoughts would be appreciated , anything to distract my mind XX

[SueBut]

Hi - I totally understand what you are going through. A month or so ago I had a panic attack which sparked off having panic attacks on a regular basis and within a couple of weeks I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, sleep, sit still, watch tv, read or ANYTHING and didn't know what to do with myself. My GP was unhelpful and just refered me for cbt which he said could take a few weeks - I didn't know how I was going to get through the day let alone wait a few weeks. Fortunately for me my husband at his wits end paid for me to go to a retreat/clinic for 10 days. They put me on valium for the first few days which helped break the cycle and made me feel SAFE again (I didn't feel safe anywhere previously). Coming home was hard and I had an awful Xmas - panic attacks and being sick again, so I put myself back on the valium for a couple of days and once again this did the trick, brought down my anxiety and helped me break the out of control cycle. Have you tried valium? I feel for you but believe me it won't last forever it's just a matter of breaking the cycle.x

[madelaine]

i tk a meltdown a few months ago n the doc has had me on meds on/off changin ma meds to c if itll take my irrational thoughts away every wakin hour i think im dying of a heart attack r .xsummit its destroying everything around me so ur not alone my friend

[margaret jones]

You poor thing reading your post made me so sad for you , I dont know what to say other than i hope that things get better for you quickly .

Take Care Margaret

[Tomimo]

(((hugs)))

your post totally struck a chord with me because when things are bad I feel *exactly* the same with every (insignificant for everyone else!) feeling I feel that sense of dread for whichever ailment is going to kill me at that time.

It is a horrible feeling and you're right about not being able to explain it to others that haven't suffered.

Have you been to your GP for any medication? I don't take any - I used to for years but things got better and, like you, I could always talk myself round to some extent but it is getting worse again.

I hope things improve soon.
T x