View Full Version : Dear God...if you are there
I'm not looking for anybody's advice. I just need to get my thoughts out. I wish I could curl up and die. I wish there wasn't anybody that would be affected by my death.Choices would be easy then.I don't want to keep suffering like this, everything is too hard.I wish I had somebody just to hug me and tell me they love and care about me, that would really help.I'm married and yet I feel so alone.I used to be so interesting, confident and happy.I'm not anymore. I'm selfish. There are people in pain, suffering who would love a shot at life and here I am moaning about things.Selfish, selfish. Why cant I change. I just want to dissapear. I hate life.I feel, fat, ugly and stupid.I cant see any good in my future.Im so lonely.Please God if there is one, let me not wake up tomorrow...
gypsywomen
11-01-10, 09:46
my dear lady things must be bad if you feel like this ,are you on meds,if you want to die i think yu shoud talk to your docter ,, i wont say anything but you need love and elp dont give up dont ,you are stronger than you know
I am on meds and having counselling but my husband isnt supportive (although he came to see the doctor with me last time)and I'm finding it impossible without his support. I think hes lost respect for me (try living in my world was his comment last week) and he is quite sick of it all. I think it would be better if we parted but I feel Im not strong enough to make the move and I fear it will make me worse and make things worse for our lovely child. I often spend nights crying downstairs while he sleeps on. He works long hours as he drives 1 hr each way to work and back. He is a good provider and hard worker at work. All he wants is a clean shirt and a hot meal on the table. His words. We hardly speak at the moment except if he moans about how untidy the house is or that Ive spent money. His way of dealing with my health is not to talk about it. He just doesn't understand how I'm feeling because I have no reason to feel unhappy. I feel so unloved and lonely.I just don't know what to do.
gypsywomen
11-01-10, 10:12
i have a husband who is same i know what your saying we need cudde and to be told everything going to be ok ,but the bottem line they dont ant to know ,,to them we are acting to get attention there so wrong ,, first i tend to think and love myself first not worry what he thinks ,thats the only way we will get there and you will believe me ,,me well some are so selfcenterd ... dont do anything you will regret ,,. your life is precious even thou you are going through hell, there is a light ,why dont you spring clean ,put makeup on do your hair try you know you can xmaggie
Iv put on so much weight on my new medication I cant look nice.My husband bought me a health club membership for christmas to try and help my depression (I think thats how he tries to shown he cares) but he said only if I do voluntary work at my daughters school. He is desperate to get me back to work, he says it will be good for me as well as the extra money it would bring in when I find paid employment. I just cant face it though.When I did work part time I loved it but I wasn't ill like I am now.The coiunsellor said Im not ready yet.I just feel being with my husband makes me feel worse but when on my own it would be worse wouldnt it coz I really wud be on my own then not to mention the financial struggles. Theres not just me to think about in all this.Im so scared.
gypsywomen
11-01-10, 10:28
i get scared as well even if you have put on whieght you can still dohair put makeup on ,bet your very pretty ,so when he comes home tonight show him your going to try ,for youself and family ,keep busy
I have togo. Thamnks for trying to help........xx
gypsywomen
11-01-10, 10:51
pm me if you get bad
xBettyBoopx
12-01-10, 00:47
God is there smudger, talk to Him.
http://i143.photobucket.com/albums/r128/judi78/WithGod.gif
The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:4-7 NKJV
Love
Els
You are Not alone.:hugs: I've felt Exactly the same for Years but fo different reasons. It's not just wives who don't receive the love and support they need. I completely understand and empathise with how you're feeling.:bighug1:
Bill, I understand what you are saying. I know there must be plenty of men who do not get support from partners either. It must be difficult for partners though, depression is really hard to live with from their perspective. I looked after my father for 2 days while mum took a well earned break away and he made me feel ill as he did my sisters when he stayed with them. He had a serious breakdown during moms abscence and we couldnt cope so I understand how difficult it is.I don't know what the answer is because I feel like I don't matter to my partner as he just carries on tinkering on his computer, practising his guitar etc etc while I sit saying nothing feeling like Im dying inside.I honestly feel that if I suggested we separate, he would be relieved!I don't know if thats the truth or my illness making me feel like that.Scary. We have been together for 25 years and he really wants the old me back but I know its gone for good.So sad.
clairabella
13-01-10, 10:42
You are definatley not alone...ive felt like this too but everything isnt as bleak as what you think its, your anxiety thats making you feel this way....remember that there is someone who loves you more than anything in this world and that is you child....im sending you a big hug and a poem that always helps when i feel down....xx
When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high;
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are;
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things go wrong that you mustn't quit
God is definately there. Talk to Him often. He helps. I pray constantly and see on a daily basis what He does for me. Talk to him in your own words. He hears.
Hugs
Smudger, I'm so sorry to hear about your sad situation. My thoughts are with you. Keep going, and hold onto every glimmer of hope; you will come out the other side. Best wishes.
Sweetpea6, Corinne and clairabella, thanks everybody and the poem is lovely. I'm having a better day today, Ive exercised which has helped with stress although I cant sort out my over eating yet!I hope that will kick in soon. Im on my own from tomorrow til next Tuesday as my husband is away working. It will be interesting to see how I feel on my own. Will it be easier? I dont know......
littlekaitlyn
13-01-10, 20:11
I know how it feels to feel worthless and want to die, but then I have days where I realize that I am needed and loved and I couldn't imagine killing myself. I like to think that I'm goring through this for a reason. Maybe I'll become a much stronger person for it? Maybe I'm supposed to help others with this one day? You should think the same way.
Please try and think positive throughts. Anxiety can cause depression sometimes, but you have to beat it. I know you're strong, and I know that you are loved. Keep your chin up! PM me if you ever need to talk.:hugs:
Perhaps the reason we become so low sometimes is because we don't receive the support we need which makes us feel so alone with our anxieties?:shrug:
Contrasting this old post of yours with the one on this thread?.........
Hi. I joined this site very recently. You sound great. I have to tell you that Ive been with my husband for 26 years n suffered on and off for 20yrs! For the first time 18 days ago I 'allowed' my hubby to come to the clinic with me as I have been particularly poorly. What a difference it made. I WISH Id done it earlier. He feels less helpless, hes more understanding, N I feel like he really cares about be.Im not trying to get better on my own anymore. Its so hard alone!So, good on you. Hopefully this site will help both of you.xx
So what changed?:shrug:
Perhaps he really does care about you but just doesn't know what to do to help you?:shrug: Maybe you need to tell him what you need to feel happier because if he Really does care about you, he'll do what you ask of him?:shrug: Maybe he's stayed with you for 26 years because of what he sees in you that you don't?:shrug: Maybe if he didn't love you he'd have left years ago?:shrug: Maybe he just needs to know how to help you?:shrug: Maybe he loves you more than you love yourself?:shrug: Maybe he doesn't want to lose you!:shrug: Maybe he needs you to talk to him?:shrug:
Just sounds to me that if he felt less helpless and more understanding "then", what he feels in his heart towards you may never have changed but maybe you need to help him help you?:shrug:
If he rejects your request for help, then that's another matter but either way, never give up on hope no matter how hopeless things may feel.:hugs:
Sometimes frustration is displayed when partners feel helpless. If we cannot fix those we love we struggle. Maybe he is just so desperate to help you, but doesn't know how.
Good luck with it all, will be thinking of you.
Love H.x
Dear smudger - as Bill says you are not alone. I feel like this every day and like you, just wish I had someone to hug me and make it all okay. Some days I wonder how I will go on..but somehow I do.
Buy Claire Weeks's book or the DVD if you can. Know you are amongst people who feel the same and know that there can be hope, even when it feels as though there is none
Hi Smudger,I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.I'm sure your partner does really care but is probably at a loss as to how to help you.He may also feel guilt at feeling like he can't do anything to ease your pain.My wife has epilepsy,crohns disease and chronic fatigue syndrome.I often feel helpless when she's in constant physical pain with the crohns (chronic bowel inflammation).And the fatigue syndrome makes her sleep all day.However,on the flip side,I've always felt like a burden on people with my anxiety/depression,which is ridiculous if I look at it rationally,as both her illnesses and mine are just as valid.
You said you were on medication I think?Perhaps its not the right one for you?Try going back to your Dr and discussing this with him.Whatever you decide to do,I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you start to feel a bit better soon.We all understand how you feel here,so you're not alone.
All the best, Fishy
Thank you everybody you are all so kind and helpful. Bill, (and I hope the rest of you dont feel like Ive insulted you by singling Bill out amongst you) Ive got to say a BIG 'thank you' to you specifically on this one.I read and reread what you wrote last and I have to admire your powers of observation and your reasoning. Nothing has changed since I posted my relief that I 'allowed' my husband to attend my counseling with me. I know I'm contradicting myself sometimes. He is no different and it was a positive move to allow him to come with me. However,things have been stagnant since then because I really don't think he knows what to do to help and because I'm still having bad days maybe I'm not thinking straight! I totally understand and hear you. We need to communicate and I don't know why we cant after so long together. I am not being stubborn, I think Ive run out of breath! I want him to say, "I do love you, you are more important than my job, my car, my computer, my electric guitar, my ipod" ......etc etc. it sounds so silly when I read it but I want, no I NEED him to say all this without my prompt, now more than ever!I feel like I just don't matter anymore...to anyone.
I'm glad to be of help.:hugs:
Just a thought...it's not always the case I know but something that is often very alluring to a man, especially when they love and care about a woman, is a woman who feels vulnerable and needs protection so possibly you could try saying to him, "I feel very frightened and sad at the moment, you don't have to say anything but would you please just hold me for a moment as I just need a little comfort?".
If he doesn't know what to say but indeed does really love and care about you, he should be more than willing to feel of some help so might enjoy being able to do something for you.
I know some men find it hard to express emotions or offer comfort but where there is still love, after many years together, I think its also very easy to forget the simple things that can help - a hug! I think a hug can sometimes say more than any words.
If there is ice between you, one of you needs to break it and I honestly don't feel he knows how to so you may need to try attracting him out of his shell and a "damsel in distress" can be very alluring!
I think a hug would work wonders for both of you. He'd feel less helpless and you'd feel comforted and less alone. Once he holds you, I'd then say to him "I wish you'd do this more often" and he "might" say to you "I wish you'd tell me so I can help you". From there you could tell him how you feel and that you need to feel close to him and he might then "see the light". What do you think?:shrug:
I know its prompting but if he doesn't know what to do, he probably needs you to guide him. I don't think he's neglecting you deliberately. I just think he doesn't know what to do and is waiting for you to tell him so try opening up to him about how you're feeling to help him understand so he can help you.
I know if it were me, I wouldn't hesitate to hold someone in distress but I realise not all men are as soft as me!
I know it may not help and he could turn his back but I feel after all these years together and his willingness to try and understand and support you may suggest that he's just waiting for you to guide him as to how to help you.
I know also that when we feel very low and alone we tend to want to curl up and ignore the world so we stop trying to talk as it feels too much effort. Try to resist those feelings and don't suffer in silence. Let him help you because I honestly believe he wants to.
You will always matter to people here because as you've seen, many will understand how you're feeling!!!:bighug1:
Thank you Bill. A mans take on this is really helpful. I promise myself I will try and put your advice into practice. I feel so vunerable at the moment and its hard to let down my guard so to speak. I think we both give off all the wrong signals and put up barriers, its no surprise things have turned out this way.I just need to pluck up the courage to strike up a conversation about it. Very scared about this.
smudger, my husband has always seemed on a different planet to me miles away from were i am, it is only with letting him,( see me as me) not who he expects me to be, that life has got more manageable.
if you do what you've always done, you will get what you,ve always got.
that was me, but by expressing my inner worries hopes and FEARS, we can actually talk openly now what a relief, he after 20 years try's to help around house makes an effort with the children and tries to understand. we have to go through bad times to know what good times are, it could take 20years like me but hopefully once reason, sets in, trust and acceptance, that we are all not perfect. we can find a balance maybe your husband can learn a lot from this experience, i understand NONE of us want to go through this, in time with patience we may say AHH that's WHYxxxxxxxx
my love to you and yours
crissyxxxxxxxxxxxxx
if you do what you've always done, you will get what you,ve always got
Crissy, a powerful few words but alot of sense. Thank you.
bellabessnjet
15-01-10, 18:18
Hi,
Maybe you need time together away from the stress and anxiety. I know how hard it is to become stuck with staying in, hiding away, not bothering how we look etc. Is there any chance you and your husband could go away on your own for just 1 night, or go out for a meal, time together doing a couple thing. It will be very hard for you but maybe worth trying! Also have you tried writing how you feel down in a letter to him, pouring out all your thought, or letting him read this site? I'm 'lucky' my husband had severe depression about 9 years ago, and I supported him, made him go out to the shop, made him have a bath and shave, and tried to understand and support him. Although his depression lasted approx 8 months. He know is showing a huge amount of care for me, but won't mollycoddle me. He's making me go out even if I dont want to. He makes me have a take-out or go for a meal,so that I get a little break.
Whatever happens take care, your not alone and you can get through this.
Take care
Angela
In a relationship, especially after many years together, we should never be afraid of opening up to our own partners who show, even if they've forgotten how to say, they love us. Why fear those we love and should be trusting? Where is the close bond that should exist?
Don't fear but instead embrace and let the close bond grow back to what it once was.
When my father was in the hospice, my mother walked into the room in tears after seeing his doctor. My father looked at me where I was sitting at the bottom of his bed with a look that suggested a question- "What she he do?" Without me saying anything, he then turned back to my mother and pulled her closer to his bedside. At first she resisted because she felt so silly for being so upset but he grabbed her again and held her in a tight embrace. The hug said all the words that he needed to say that she wanted to hear.
I gave a card to my father and inside I wrote "I know it's not your birthday but with you around Every day is a Happy Birthday!" It made him cry but I'm glad I told him how much he meant to me because life is too short not to say the words we feel inside for those we love.
Get him to hold you and re-kindle what has become taken for granted because life is just Too short to live without love and comfort from those we need and love.:hugs:
Today I'm going to a pantomime with my daughter, my sister and her family. I just want to curl up and die instead.Its a real bad day today.If HE exists, why doesn't he just let me?
Hang in there smudger...we all feel and know what youre going through...never give up..no matter how ferocious this illness can be...there is always hope...
i wish you the very best....maybe the panto isnt ideal for today...but you never know!!
J.xx
reader 2009
17-01-10, 21:15
hi smudger
God loves you very much and He is there please try to talk to Him be angry if you like He can take it! i'll pray for you and i'm sure Elspeth will too.
You are not alone even though you may feel like you are...i thank God for this website and the lovley people i've met here.
love
Reader 2009
Thanks. Went to the panto, had to. It was impressive but wasn't in the mood for it. Was good to speak to hubby in USA when I got back. I am starting to get down about my weight increase now. Seriously wondering if I should change tablets again because of this. Keep imagining what it wud be like to exercise and not each much. I know its the wrong way but food is becoming negative to me now. I'm starting to hate the very thought of it.
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