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View Full Version : Despair (warning - a very nagative message)



theresa
02-02-04, 13:30
This is a very negative message hence the warning if some people just want to read positive stuff. I’m feeling like I can’t go on like this any more. For most of my time I don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore. I feel like there’s someone else living inside my body – I feel very introverted/suppressed/withdrawn and with no control over my thoughts but at the same time being completely aware of my thinking which is all about anxiety and how to overcome it. At some time of the day (usually evening) I ‘pop’ out of myself and feel more like ‘me’. I have a really strong mental picture/memory of the feelings, sensations, etc associated with each of the days of the week – my days at home, my days when I try to do voluntary work, my weekends and each one is awful. Trying to get out of bed is terrible as I’m assailed by these pictures/memories and I know just what that day has in store for me. I dread each next day and this has been going on for months and months and months. I can’t see any future all I can see are awful days just like the previous days. I know a myriad different subtleties of feeling anxious/scared. I feel I have no control over my thoughts and emotions = they wash over me in torrents sometimes, particularly when I’m doing volunteer stuff and I feel a million miles away from everyone else who I assume are living ‘normal’ lives. It just accentuates the gulf between where I’m at and where everyone else is at.. I find it hard to challenge my thinking they don’t seem to be thoughts I can challenge – I tried to do some volunteer office work but was getting more and more worked up as the day went on and I was feeling I was such a long way from being OK, where I could just get on with the task instead of being completely self-aware, unconfident and thinking about myself all the time. I’ll watch a drama on TV and get more anxious ‘cos I can’t imagine being able to handle emotions and other life problems. I read the good advice but can’t apply it to myself e.g. accept just how you are each day – this is so hard, I have so many automatic negative thoughts, in fact they’re so familiar now that there’s barely a thought there any more, just an uncomfortable pulsing sensation in my diaphragm and a fuzzy head whenever something pops into my head, e.g. the thought of my sister or my brother who are managing their lives much better. I get frightened at times when I think of something awful happening - like my husband or one of my parents dying. Writing this down I can see how hard I’m being on myself but I can’t stop it. I guess I’ve compared myself with others all my life and in my depressed/anxiety state this has become more pronounced and uncontrollable. If the pattern of my weeks are going to continue as they have been then I can’t see any point in carrying on and that’s a thought that I have every day. I’ve been taking anti-depressants, watching my diet, taking supplements, trying to keep exercising etc and nothing changes – actually, changes do occur but they are for the worse rather than better.

Theresa

Lottie32
02-02-04, 13:46
Theresa

Don't despair. I have been there, and YOU WILL recover from this.

Diet, exercise, CBT, medication - they are all cures, but they DON'T WORK STRAIGHT AWAY. I too fell under this mishaprehension, and got terribly troubled that I should be feeling better, and couldn't cope if I thought too far ahead - the idea of going on holiday for example frightens the day lights out of me. Then I'd get wound up cos I couldn't face "life" and get more anxious.

Are you having CBT? I have just started challenging the cognitive side of my problem, and finally am beginning to feel better. The problem is that negative thoughts are very hard to shift, and one negative thought breeds another, which breeds another, and before you know it you've got a whole head full of Can't do that, Never cope with that, etc.

Please go back to your doctor, and see about some form of counselling help. Comparison with others is again another common fault - my sister is 29, engaged, with a degree, living in a three bedroom house (with en-suite), is a professional, has a clear complexion et. et. et. I am 33, single, depressed, with O, A levels, an NVQ, my Side Saddle instructors certificate, living with my mum, with a ****e job, on poor money et et et.

AT the end of the day, none of these things makes my sister a better person, or me a worse one. Do I want to be her? Not really. Does it matter if she has decorated the lounge in Laura Ashley when my budget would only stretch to Ikea? Are any of these things TRULY important? NO.

I've lost my dad and my gran. I only have my mum and sister left. My mum is in her sixties. I am single. At least you have your husband (and I'm not trying to compete here, just show you that you have to look for the positives).

Please don't give up hope Theresa. You are being very hard and demanding of yourself. Not so long ago you weren't doing much of anything at all. At least you have tried to work in the charity office. Maybe you are just pushing yourself too much too soon.

HONESTLY, things will improve. Everytime you have a negative thought, try and counter balance it with a positive. Not easily done, but at least whilst you're trying to find a positive, you can't think of any more negatives.

And please, if things don't get better, go back and see your doctor. Not all medication suits everybody. It may be that there is something else that you can try, or that your doseage needs looking at.

Please don't give up.

Charlie

Meg
02-02-04, 16:07
Hey Teresa,

'Against all expectations, my holiday period was quite good - well it's all relative and I wasn't feeling nearly as anxious, despairing as I usually am.'

This was under a month ago .. Take credit and remember the better days too as well as the difficult days.

Getting over depression on its own is difficult enough but when fuelled with anxiety as well it's very hard and as you so rightly say you are being very hard and down on yourself - with comparisons and such concrete thoughts such as

' I’m assailed by these pictures/memories and I know just what that day has in store for me'
Please take each new day as an open book with a fresh sheet and try not to have any expectations at all - good or bad. Each day make sure you do something differently to usual - eat a different food , take a different route, buy a different colour- say Hi to someone new -

You sound as though you feel as though your life is so predictable, routinized and glum so you can - even with anxiety- change that bit by bit.

'I can see are awful days just like the previous days.'
So change a bit of today to something different. You did mention trying Tai Chi once. Did you ?

Working with Animals and plants are therapeutic. Is your volunteer work a happy place or not - maybe you could think about alternative options .
One of the great things about being a volunteer - you can change it .

It's winter , its dark and gloomy and very few people get through winter without some gloom and doom racing through their heads. As it gets brighter and daffodils emerge and lambs are born and green srings again you may well feel brighter.

Set things to look forward to - going to friends for dinner , going to a theatre, walk in the countryside . They don't have to be mega - just out of your usual routine.

It could be too that you may need a review of your meds.

'I assume are living ‘normal’ lives' - I wouldn't bet on it. Most people have issues going on and many many keep it to themselves in fear of being the oly ones and its very rare tat you are .

You are really big on Black and white thinking pattern eg

Black and white thinking

You see everything on either one end of the scale or the other . Nothing between and at present its all at the black end

Eg) ,you have a problem with your house bricks said my builder. Is the house going to fall down ? I ask, immediately seeing a massive heap of bricks crumbling to the ground. Reality check - needed a damp course in 2 rooms

You have invited and cooked supper for friends – but your pudding didn’t set properly and you all needed to use spoons to eat it . Afterwards you say to your family – that’s it . I’m a terrible cook and am never going to ever ask people over again . Reality check – That’s the first thing that’s ever turned out less than excellent in 8 years of entertaining and it still tasted good.

Is this you ?

There are 10 identified sorts of disjointed thinking - this is just one of them . These are all bad habits and can be changed. ...

Hear from you soon






Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

stimpy
02-02-04, 19:05
Oh Theresa your post brought back so many memories!
This is what my husband posted for me, back in November 2003.


quote:Liz is finding it very difficult to relax and stay calm,
and the panic attacks will sometimes last for days on end - very
much the symptoms of a heart attack, along with nausea, 'burning
skin', and severe shakes. I've been off work since August to try to
help her, and also to do all the day-to-day chores shes unable to do
at the moment....
We feel like we are just existing at the moment, waiting to live
again, every day seems as difficult as the last. I'm scared for
her... I want my lovely wife back, and our two children want their
mummy back.


From little acorns big trees will grow.
(As far as I know no one has produced an oak tree with out the little acorn first.)
May be full on voluntary work was just too much for you to deal with at the moment, try something a little less stressful, a trip to the end of the garden instead. See how you feel, and then build up from there.

The feelings you have are very common, the worse you feel - the worse you get - the worse you feel ... (It's Mr Panic's way of feeding himself, and to stop him feeding you have to break his circle.)

We all assume that everyone is living normal lives and no one is suffering as we do, but the truth is there are millions of people just like us. We are not alone.

Keep on with the meds and things, if you find they are useless after 8 weeks, they could be the wrong ones for you, and they might need changing to something else.

Remember start very, very small, build up to things and then celebrate like you've won the olympics:D
I walked to the bottom of the garden ! Good for me! :D
I washed the dishes ! Good for me! :D
Eventually you will be saying I did the shopping, I was outside for 3 hours today with no problems.

It's not easy, it's not nice but you can beat it.


Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx

[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric

theresa
09-02-04, 12:58
Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply. I wish I had my own personal coach to keep feeding me positive messages. I feel a bit better after reading your messages but find it VERY hard to talk positively to myself. When this illness/condition first hit me I was much kinder to myself. The longer it's gone on, the harder on myself I seem to have become. I didn't feel guilty/ashamed when I first became ill but I do feel that way now as I think I should have got better/improved by now. I find it hard to be with other people 'cos I think they must be sick and tired of me being this way and having very little conversation cos I just keep thinking about my anxiety all the time. However, thinking about it, I don't often 'burden' other people with it, I do keep a lot of it to myself. Other people probably notice that I'm quieter and have lost my sense of humour. I hate the stuff that goes round and round in my head more than I hate the physical feelings. Being able to post to the message board helps a bit so thanks again.

Theresa

Lottie32
09-02-04, 14:46
Who says you should have got better by nomw?

Is there s set time after which you are expected to be "normal"?

NO !!!!

Theresa it will take you as long as it takes you to get well again. The longer you have had the symptoms, the longer recovery takes. This is not being negative, just realistic.

Each and everyone of us are individuals. In the same way some of us can loose pounds very easily, others have to spend hours sweating in the gym, and living like a rabbit to shift even an ounce.

Don't feel guilty. I mean how ridiculous are we (and I do it) when we get these emotions. I look at the things that some people have to deal with and I feel terribly guilty. Then I think, well I really wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, why should I feel guilty cos I'm suffering. It's not like I'm doing it deliberately. (Although negative thinking can prolong your recovery)

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Try to see the bright side in everything. There is always one if you look hard enough. If you can't do it, then you can e-mail me if you like, and I'll find something positive in what you give me. I always can! (Although making myself think positive all the time is so hard!) Are you doing any CBT? I am about to start looking at my negative thinking during my CBT sessions. If you want me to, I can forward the exercises that I am doing. E-mail me your address, and I'll e-mail any useful information back if you like.

Love Charlie

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Charlie

Meg
09-02-04, 23:08
Teresa , I did that gulit , I should be better thing for months ...

It takes a good while and hard work and self development on things like assertiveness, not responding to others expectations etc

Keep at it. It is get overable .



Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

nomorepanic
10-02-04, 21:53
I am 10 years down the road with panic - what a waste of a life huh? But I am still taking it each day and I will not give in however long it takes!

Everyone is different and we all heal at different rates so please keep going at it.

Chin up.

Nicola