dont know what to do

[sb001f8994]

Why am I with someone who I know isnt good for me? Ive been with my hubby for almost 27 years (married for 10) and some of the time its ok but shouldnt it be wonderful?
He has never supported or helped me to try and get over my agoraphobia, in fact Ive been told by a number of reletives that he actually quite likes me being in...he knows where I am 24/7! Me not getting out has not really caused us great problems over the years as when I was getting out we live a fairly normal life but I was never allowed friends, he made the few friends I had very uncomfortable until eventually they stopped visiting. He was even nasty on a number of ocassions to some of my family so they stopped coming too. Now I only have my parents who visit on a regular basis and its them who help me getting out and I would be lost without them.
The latest in a long line of troubles is he found out I had a credit card and went absolutely balistic. I got very messed up financially when my wages went from weekly to monthly and I stupidly thought getting a card would help, it didnt. Im getting back on track now but he hasnt spoken to me for days. I couldnt tell him my difficulties because we dont do talking and things get swept under the carpet and inevitably fester. I look at my life and it is rubbish, we have no life together and I sometimes wonder if Im only here because I have no where else to go. Ive tried to get on housing lists but because my husband (not me Ive been told!) owns the house I cant get on and I cant go to a private landlord as I work for my hubby and if I left my job would go and private landlords dont want people on benefits. I could go back to my parents house but I dont want to disrupt them and they are old now and although they said me and my daughter are welcome any time it wouldnt be fair to them or my daughter.
I just feel stuck, miserable and useless.
Sorry for going on but I do feel better just having a little rant here. Thank you to anyone taking the time to read this, bless you.
Take care,
Carol xx
:hugs:

[gypsywomen]

well its uncanny but i have exactly the same problem ,, its like reading my own post, will find it and let you read xxxxxfeel for you

[gypsywomen]

where do i start, the man i am married to ,in the past beat me ,,very bad sometimes ,but i had 6 children left but always came back ,,i know stupid ,never had anxiety,,in fact was fine ,,the violence stopped. 10 years ago, then he found a new way to control me mind games,not giving me money ,,that didntwork as i was a nurse ,,he never liked me having friends or going out on my own o girls night out so never did ,incase he became violent again always lived in fear,2 years agop i woke up one morning with this,illness anxiey, spent most of this time like a recluse,y children couldnt understand,my husband gave me no support just shoted all the time saying i needed locking away,,so like him.well everytime i seemed better and did things,he would say and do things to set me back,, the reason i am telling you all this its got to the point where cant stand this constent mental torture ,ant leave as not up to it i need my home feel safe ,,scared to go else where ,this morning asked if we could go for a day out to the coast,every where i suggested going he said no he didnt like the places although been to them before and he enjoyed it,,he new by saying this it would set me back and upset me ,,dont know where to turn,,or who to turn to,i just think i am trying so hard to be myself but i dont stand a chance, i do hope someone has suggestions ,,dont know anymore mind in a muddle ,i had to share this god bless

[Slothette]

Hi Carol

I'm sorry youre feeling so miserable at the moment. Have a hug from me. :hugs:

I'm agoraphobic also and I know how hard making changes can be. Even though youre unhappy in your marriage your home must be your safe place and I expect youre wondering how you would cope day to day living on your own. I know I would.

If you dont mind me asking, do your Mum and Dad know how unhappy you are? I have to say that even though you say theyre getting on in years, Mums and Dads still want to help - no matter what their age.

If you left now and went to live with your parents, you may have a better chance of being rehoused by your local council or housing association. The best thing might be to get some advice from somwhere like the Citizens Advice Bureau. If you cant make it to see them then the will do a house call if you explain youre agoraphobic.

Hope this helps a little bit - chin up! :hugs:

[margaret jones]

Your poor things you are both so strong to put up with this treatment ,i dont know what to say you need to speak to someone from womens refuge for advice Please take care of you Margaret

[sb001f8994]

Thanks so much for all your replies it helps just knowing people do care. Yes Slothette my mum knows how I feel and would love me to go back there but Ive ran home on ocassions in the past and Im tired of always rellying on them even though they dont mind. I have lived on my own before and it doesnt bother me, Im probably being selfish here and want my hubby to leave! Why should I have to uproot my daughter, who is doing ever so well and right in the middle of exams. Im also scared of making such big changes to my life, does this sound silly? And what would really hurt me is to leave my home and then him to bring another woman here because that is exactly what he would do.
I have to stay positive and keep smiling. Thanks again for caring.
Carol x

[gypsywomen]

Hi Carol

I'm sorry youre feeling so miserable at the moment. Have a hug from me. :hugs:

I'm agoraphobic also and I know how hard making changes can be. Even though youre unhappy in your marriage your home must be your safe place and I expect youre wondering how you would cope day to day living on your own. I know I would.

If you dont mind me asking, do your Mum and Dad know how unhappy you are? I have to say that even though you say theyre getting on in years, Mums and Dads still want to help - no matter what their age.

If you left now and went to live with your parents, you may have a better chance of being rehoused by your local council or housing association. The best thing might be to get some advice from somwhere like the Citizens Advice Bureau. If you cant make it to see them then the will do a house call if you explain youre agoraphobic.

Hope this helps a little bit - chin up! :hugs:i posted this to let carol know she is not alone a lot of us are in abusive relationships

[Slothette]

Yes I was in one myself years ago. I only got away because I was young and had no children. I went home to my Dad. It isnt easy I know. :hugs:

[gypsywomen]

no its hard when you have children

[sb001f8994]

I found it easier to walk away when I was younger and the kids were little. What Im finding difficult now is having to start all over again and with being agoraphobic is the prospect of living a life completely alone what I want?

[eeyorelover]

Something sticks out in your post to me Carol and that is you saying that if you left you feel like your husband would move someone else in.
It sounds like that thought truly bothers you and it leaves me thinking that you still love him flaws and all.
I wonder if there isn't some counseling or something that the two of you could try to work on your marriage before moving out.
I'm not saying to stay in a marriage that is making you miserable only that if you still love him perhaps its work a try, and with your agoraphobia I don't know if going to counseling with him is something that is feasible but I thought that I would mention it just in case.

I am so sorry you are going thru such a tough time and really hope for things to work out soon for you.
xxx
Sandy