Bad night and bad today

[Redrainbow]

Hardly slept a wink last night, awake off and on all night, mind racing at 100mph. So today has started really badly for me plus i'm so tired but can't seem to calm down that much today. That's another thing i hate about this illness, i can hardly ever relax anymore, there always seems to be something. If it was'nt for the fact i cannot drink with my medication i would get blind drunk i think. I'm on such a downer today, one of those days i wish i was not here. I'm just so depressed today, one of those days you can see no good or use in anything, I HATE this ILLNESS!:unsure:

[PoppyC]

Sorry you feel like you do. You are not alone.
What medication are you taking? Have you only just started taking it or ?
Could you maybe catch up on sleep today? listen to some relaxing music? read? have a warm relaxing bath? go for a long walk? go swimming? exercise? do something that makes you feel good...anything to try and help with your relaxation?
I can understand how you feel. I have been worrying solidly for the past 2 days, mind racing about what happens after death!!! :wacko: and in doing so, I have not been able to sleep properly - I fall asleep and then wake up shortly afterwards and now feel exhausted - I feel really sick today and my stomach feels so acidic. I know its from stressing. I can't eat anything. I know I could slide into feeling really down but I am doing everything I can to stop that happening.
I am not always like this and the thought that is keeping me going is that I know I will feel better again soon. Not sleeping does nothing for anxiety and depression :lac:
I know you feel down and anxiety and depression are so soul destroying but try and keep hope that you won't always feel like this and you will eventually feel better.
Sending you hugs and hope that you feel much better in how you feel, soon :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[gypsywomen]

i feel the same as you today its rotten i am playing games on here takes my mind off

[Redrainbow]

Hello Poppyc,
I,m on mirtazapine was on Citalopram, my meds are all getting raised next week when i go to the doctors, he is also upping my sleeping pills, found out from the nurse on thursday. I have been on meds for about nearly 3 months now but the nurse and doctor say it's finding the right one that works for me. Today i'm eating all the time and my words keep coming out wrong. The wife is at work so i have got our three children, but two of them have gone out at the minute for an hour or two. Yes i too keep wondering about what happens after death, Why is that i wonder? I know what you are saying it's just so hard when your on a down day, And thankyou so much for all the hugs, Thankyou from Wayne.

[Redrainbow]

Oh Hello Gypsywomen,
You too eehhh! I'm sorry to hear that. Yes i'm on here also trying to take my mind off things. I can't bare to sit still and do nothing, very fidgety today. My eyes hurt but yet i'm so restless. Plus words keep coming out of my mouth wrong i dare not hardly speak today, the wife says i have been doing that for a while though. Regards Wayne,
Are you not creating more masterpieces today? When i'm in this frame of mind i can't draw or do anything that takes concentration.

[PoppyC]

Hello again and Gypsywomen, too.
It seems that at the moment people seem more down than usual....do you think it could be the time of year and gloomy weather??? lack of sunshine?
It can't be easy looking after 3 children when you feel as you do. I am finding it difficult just looking after a lively dog and 2 cats lol I have to walk the dog soon over the fields and I really don't feel like it, but I always feel better when out walking. Its just getting myself motivated to do it. I feel so tired and sick.
Could you watch some dvds with your children and just try and switch off. I do know it is easier said than done and I should heed my own advice!
I am on citalopram. Did it not suit you? Maybe it is to do with the trying of different meds to suit you, that is not helping how you feel. Hopefully you will find one that does suit and you will feel a lot better.
I can relate the words coming out differently. I think this is due to the medication.
I come out with things back to front sometimes. I have also noticed when handwriting that words are being spelt differently! p becomes d and so on... It must be the effects on the brain.
At least we are not alone in how we feel and we have this site to turn to.
I hope you both improve as the day goes on. :bighug1:

[Redrainbow]

Hello again Poppyc,
No the citalopram did not help me sleep much and gave my evil nightmares, so he put me on mirtazapine, but like i say that will be changing again this week. As for the weather, No i don't think that bothers me that much to be honest. For me with this condition, it is loneliness that hits me hardest the isolation of it all, even though i have a great wife and three kids. Before i came on here i had no friends as i had drive them all away with the depression.
Yes i also find getting motivated into something is a major obstickle at the minute, i just want to sit and be left alone even though i know that does me no good at all. Without this site and people like you i don't know what i would do, or where i would be at the minute, this helps me to hold it all together a little, and as they say "Every little helps". That must be my first positive thought today.

[katty]

Hardly slept a wink last night, awake off and on all night, mind racing at 100mph. So today has started really badly for me plus i'm so tired but can't seem to calm down that much today. That's another thing i hate about this illness, i can hardly ever relax anymore, there always seems to be something. If it was'nt for the fact i cannot drink with my medication i would get blind drunk i think. I'm on such a downer today, one of those days i wish i was not here. I'm just so depressed today, one of those days you can see no good or use in anything, I HATE this ILLNESS!:unsure:
Oh hun :0 ( .....I understand where u r coming from. OMG its so good to hear other people saying the things as i do to my boyfriend as i never feel that he trust me. Again tho thats another thing about this illness, i hate it i just want to sleep,eat,go out on own and do all the thing every1 else seems to do if only it was for 1 day!! (I smoke just so i can eat how bad is that)? (only do it a couple of times a week) I hate being sobber its the worst feeling ever as all i do is cry but for what reason i do not know. The side affects are really bad for me.

[rozie]

Just to say I know what it feels like to have one of those long sleepless, racing heart nights! The way you feel the next day ..ugh! I think when you get overwrought like that you kind of go beyond tired and can't rest at all even though you are in such need of it.

It WILL pass. I've found a brisk walk to be really brilliant in times like this. It seems to burn off all the excess Adrenalin and wears you out but in a good way.

Wishing you well.

Rozie

[PoppyC]

Well done for the postive thought, Wayne!:yesyes:
I too pushed almost everyone away because of how unwell I was. I like only having the people in my life who I want and the thought of having lots of people in my life - I would not be able to cope. I like my own company.
A lot of people seem to be like this when they have anxiety and depression. I think it is the minds way of telling us that we need to have a quieter time in order to rest and recover. When you are feeling better, I am sure you will feel motivated again and ,maybe then new friends will come into your life, once you are out and about.
I have met a lot of people just walking the dog. I didn't want to :unsure: but as my dog is quite rare and gorgeous to look at, he gets a lot of interest taken in him by other dog owners.
I have just been out for a walk with the dog and because there are more people around with it being a Saturday, I felt really uncomfortable and just couldn't wait to get home again. :lac: however I do find that a brisk walk does help me a lot, as Rozie mentioned in her post.
You wrote that you have bad dreams whilst taking citalopram and restless sleep. A lot of people seem to get that with citalopram dont they? Usually I am not so bad with sleeping but going through a terrible time with it at the moment because of my phobia of the week! :wacko:
I have really bad dreams but I always have had. I think it is do to with the state of my mind actually.
I dont think we will always be like this, because I have recovered so much over the past 18 months and when I look back I can see improvements and others have mentioned it too. I also read a lot of the posts on here, where others have recovered - Budgies posts are very encouraging. She has done so well.
I hope the change goes well with your medication and that you feel a little better as the day goes on.

[Redrainbow]

To Poppyc and Rozie,
Thankyou for the advice i will try the walk in an hour or so, sounds like good advice, even more so as i have not been out today. You know i just read someone else's post who has gone through the exact same thing as me, with torturous thought's etc. As awful as it sounds i'm pleased it's not just me, makes me feel more human knowing i'm not on my own.
Anyway back to what you were saying Poppyc, It sounds like you had a good walk and got a fair bit out of it, that's good. Is that your dog in the picture?, he looks cute if it is. Yes i have always prefered my own company but doing the job i did i was always on my own anyway, i now wonder if that was part of the problem to be honest, too much time on my own.
As for nightmares yes i have them everynight two or three in a row it seems, somenights their really bad, other nights not so bad, but the thing is i have them everynight, like you say something to do with the state of the mind, i can't remember the last time i slept all through until morning.
Can i ask do you find yourself asking why me? why have i had all this put on me, because i know i do.
I do hope your phobia of the week is not to bad, and you get over it soon. You know it's so nice to talk to people who are going through the same thing, or have been through it.
Best Wishes and Thankyou from Wayne.:)

[onceagain]

Hi Wayne

Hope you are feeling a little better now and I have to be honest I haven't read all through the posts on this thread but just thought that I would mention that I too am having trouble stringing words together it used to bother me a lot but I try and find the humour in it now... and everyone has got used to it...bit of a nightmare for me at work though when I have to ask customers what the word i'm looking for is, but can generally turn it into a bit of a joke.

Wishing you all the best...keep talking when you need it and nothing but you and meds will settle you down but it does take time good luck

[unspoken]

Hi, I've also been struggling to sleep and feeling restless and agitated and getting irrational thoughts. It is horrible. I find listening to the radio helpful. When I finally slept this morning it was with Radio 4 on. Also getting fresh air and exercise during the daytime, if you feel able, can help.

I've also been having trouble thinking of the word I want. I say something different to what I mean, without realising until someone else points it out. I was in the library yesterday and my mind kept going blank on what I was looking for. It would be clear in my mind and then suddenly the words would be gone. It is very frustrating but seems to be part of the horrible things anxiety and depression do to the brain. If something's important, write it down straight away, don't expect to remember it.

[Redrainbow]

Well i slept about about 5 hours last night, which is very good for me at the minute, woke up about 3 times with nightmares, can't remember what they were about though, perhaps they were not quite as horrid as they normaly are. I still can't remember the last time i slept a whole night through, must be months ago now. Woke up with bad thoughts this morning for some reason but they have gone now, thankgod!

[jacko296]

Hi Red Rainbow....i know exactly how you feel and have been having much the same symptoms for a couple of weeks...this illness is a hard srtuggle at times...i can relate to the emptiness...my biggest worry is now that i no longer seem able to articulate how i feel in my head,when that is something that i have always been quite good at..in fact my saving grace,but now...i just dont quite know how to formulate it..which makes me panic that i have hit a new 'level' of depression/anxiety...can anyone else relate to that?....J>

[Redrainbow]

Hello Jacko,
Yes i know exactly how you feel, Yes i never know how i'm going to feel from one day to the next anymore, not physicaly or mentaly. I have found through this illness that mental illness seems to be far worse than physical in some respects, it seems to be much deeper and far reaching. As i'm sure we all know depression and all it's vices can make you feel like your in hell.
I'm so pleased i found this site and some of the great people on it who i can talk to openly about how i feel, because lets face it who can we really talk too, who could really understand,
Regards Wayne.