On a real downer today

[mystic3178]

Hi Folks

Today I'm having a bad day and can't work out why. I cried earlier when wife was away at church. Since I left my part time job in the rescue services due to stress/anxiety/burnout, thing got somewhat better but I now have a suspision that depression may be rearing it's ugly head. I feel crap in that I find it difficult to get motivated to do things especially things that I loved. At the moment, I just seem to be going through the motions of life with no positive outlook in life ahead. IS this what the next 30-40 year is going to be like (I'm 42)

Whilst I though I had got rid of the 'job' that was causing me the problems, the void seems to be getting filled with other problems in my breadwinning job and a few issues at home.

I'm losing interest at work due to attitude with other people. I can see situations developing in which I have no control over yet am being caught up in - bit of a power struggle at top of ladder. I can't really go to anyone because the issue is at the top and I seem to be getting pulled pillar to post with everybody. I've back off the pedal a bit in order to help my health and people are noticing. I'm telling them straight that I can't do everything and some have taken a humpy head which irks me because I've been giving my all - even in jobs that are not my responsibilty

At home, I'm glossing over my 'problems' cus my wife has enough of her own to deal with. With one problem, we can't decide whether to go ahead and have a child becasue my wife is a fragile x carrier which can lead to autism. Its a 75% / 25% split that the child will be okay but to be honest, I'm scared even thought I'd love to be a father. I just found out that my wife didn't really want to have children becasue she felt that she would make a bad mother - issues from her own childhood and that gutted me becasue she is brilliant with our nephews. My wife is now 41 which kind of adds complications. Even thougn she know about my burnout, I haven't told her how bad I really feel.

With everything going on in my head, I feel empty, useless and most of all, so tired. I've to go to a party next weekend with my wife to show a DVD that I recorded of a play thay my wife was involved in and the though of spending 6-8 hours in the same place fills me with dread. My problem is, I feel that I need to be constantly on the move and with everyting swilling around in my head, I get tired then over emotional and want to scream and cry my heart out and I really mean cry my heart out.

I look back and wonder what I did wrong in life to deserve this. Was I a bad person in another life becasue I can't seem to fathom this life out.

Sorry this is such a long post but I needed to get this out to see if anyne can help me make sense of it all.

Mystic3178

[gypsywomen]

no your not bad person this illness can affect anyone at anytime

[ladybird64]

Hi mystic

I'm sorry that you are going through so much. I don't have definitive answers for you I'm afraid but I can assure you that you have done nothing wrong either in this life or any past ones!

Look around you on the forum, so many people of differing ages, personalities, employed, unemployed. Anxieties and depression can hit us at any time in our lives regardless of our personal circumstances. It doesn't mean that you will have to endure feeling so bad constantly for the next however many years..we can go through good and bad phases just like folks without anxieties.
One thing we are very good at is inspecting every worry and thought in intricate detail and analysing it.
We don't understand why we feel this way, we feel helpless, useless, weak so think more bad thoughts and so the cycle continues.

At many times I have thought "please stop the world, I want to get off for a little while" just so I can get some rest from my own mind. I hear the mental exhaustion in your post and believe me when I tell you that so many here know exactly what you are going through. This episode will ease, it always does although it can feel neverending.

It might be an idea to go and pay a visit to your GP and speak to him/her. Dont be ashamed, if you are finding it hard to cope at the moment you may need a little help to get back on the path.

Please be reassured that we do know what it's like and you won't have to go through this by yourself, you have our support. :flowers:

[mystic3178]

Thanks folks..

I just felt I needed to offload feelings. The bit that gets me is the tirdness and I know this comes from the neverending cycle of thinking too much. Last night we went to the cinema and then for a drink afterwards which had me a wee bit on edge. I don't drink myself but the hardest part I find about socialising is relaxing. I had always been so pumped up with what I now know as stress and anxiety that I still find it difficult to just relax even though I am out of the service nearly a year. I find I need to be doing something and when I'm not, I feel guilty.

Mystic3178

[Maj]

Hello Mystic,

I agree with Ladybird, I can see that you are mentally exhausted. This would take it's toll on anyone. Lots of people on here will be the same. Sometimes you feel as though you can only take so much. Anxiety doesn't choose it's victims, it affects all walks of life, in particular sensitive, caring people whose devotion to duty is of the upmost importance to them, often forgetting their own feelings and worth. We are all only human. You've a lot on your plate at the moment but you won't always feel like this. You will turn a corner. I'd seriously think about you talking to your gp and tell them exactly how you are feeling. There's no shame here. You don't have to suffer alone. Many of us here have felt exactly like you and can also reassure you. Oh, and cry if you want to, there's no shame here either. Just let it all out and it will be a release. Sometimes I feel like Tiny Tear's wee sister - any excuse for a bubble!!
Myra:hugs:

[steve2009]

Hi

IS this what the next 30-40 year is going to be like

I had similar problems 20yrs ago. Got out of the depression and had 20yrs of fulfilled life. I'm fighting the " black dog " again but it doesn't detract from the intervening period.
Fight on....... it's what we are good at.
Cheers