Finally i can speak, Hi

[Astarian]

Hello everyone,
My name is Catherine, I''m 47 and live in Wales. I joined this site a year or so ago, cant remember why back then, must have been upset about something, anyway this time I am here because:
I had recently developed a horrible phobia over falling on the snow and ice. the stuff was terrifying me so much I was getting a taxi to and from work and I live a literal 5 minute walk from my job in a newsagents.
It got too much and I needed to get some help (never had anything like it before!) but once I started speaking to the doc it was a disaster, everything poured out. It appears that my grans death in november and a bad fall i took 3 weeks after that have come together in my mind to cause extreme anxiety about falling. Even tho the snow has gone I'm still afraid of falling on certain surfaces, if its raining, i fear slipping even on tarmac..I did that once years ago and broke my foot...so...I fear falling.
The anxiety has gotten worse over the last 2 weeks as more and more 'stuff' has come up or out.. I feel unsafe in lots of situations 'out there'. I feel safest at home but I force myself to go out because I dont want it to become that I never go out...I try to be rational but sometimes its impossible, its like I watch myself and can do nothing at all about my reactions..so weird and scary.I'm having trouble understanding what is happening to me.
Today is the best day I've had since this happened. Normally I'm a fighter and strong, or so i thought..originally I thought I'd be back to work after the 1st week and a bit of a rest, and I could 'make myself' get over it:lac: but now I see I have a lot of unresolved issues and this 'breakdown is just the end result of several years worth of avoidance and this 'stuff' needs to be dealt with and my grans death was the trigger,(my gran was very very important to me) its like an avalanche. Thats what the doc concluded last week and I agree with her..now. Its hard facing it but I can see where I've been in denial.
I suffered from suicidal depression when I was 29/30 years old but got over it eventually, and considered my self to be ok since. no meds.

My past contains abuse of one sort or another, (family and partners) I havent really dealt with that. I no longer feel safe around men, a recent development also. (this is so men on the site hopefully understand if I ignore you, depends on what sort of day it is)

So I'm on 20mg citalopram, day 15 today. I have an assessment on 25th jan for what counselling i need, and I'm signed off work till then.

Reading all the threads here has been a big help to me and I've concluded its fairly safe to post here now..and I feel good today:blush:

Thanks for being here, to everyone for their sharing,
catherine xxx

[diane07]

Hi Astarian

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[ladybird64]

Hi Catherine

Its good to have you with us. :flowers:

You are not alone in the "fear of falling" , although I wouldn't classify mine as a phobia, it's actually pretty damned close.

I have a degree of agoraphobia and my house is my safe place too although I am able to go out, it's only to places where I feel reasonably comfortable.

I must admit although Im an anxious person (keep it well hidden :winks:) I think the line between panic attacks and phobias are similar to a "chicken and egg" situation, I don't know which came first but they both feed off each other!

I'm sitting at home at the moment, I wanted to try and do a ten minute walk today as my agora is back with a vengeance but I won't go out because the ground where I live is slippery and I'm scared I'll fall. :scared15:

So, to conclude..no, you're not alone, yes, you're safe here and yes, we'll support you in any way that we can. :)

[Typer]

Catherine, from what you say, it seems you already understand that a lot of things you dealt with, or rather thought you dealt with as the "strong person" are all surfacing at once. Suppressed and even repressed emotion can reappear in a completely different form - sometimes they are more obvious, like you had a fall only 3 weeks after your Gran passed away and now your fear falling...that one is more obvious to you.

The other trauma in your background may be behind some of the anxiety you have about leaving the house. Sounds like before this everything was packed tightly away and you were able to feel strong.

An analogy: imagine a fine membrane under which we tuck bad experiences (small and large one's)... we plod on in life and each distressing or bad thing that happens, we continue to tuck it under that membrane. Eventually, and sometimes after a very small incident, the membrane ruptures and like a geezer it comes spurting out. When this happens we are almost disabled by it.

The other thing that can happen (and I recognise this with me right now and am working on it) is that once we have a phobia, or a worrying thought or set of thoughts, they seem to take us over, furthering the anxiety. A rock and a hard place. On the one hand we need to think about things as you are now, on the other thinking can compound it all...unless you talk it through in a safe place with a counsellor...and one you feel comfortable with and who will get stuck into the problems with you and help you find a way out.

Perhaps "being strong" sometimes, is denying ourselves the right to feel natural feelings sometimes, feelings that need to be expressed and released.

I am not sure if what I say here is helpful, or right, just my opinion. I am a therapist, have been for a long time and here I am, trying to work on my own current health worry, all down to stress I did not deal with adequately.

[suzy-sue]

Hi Catherine and :welcome:.to NMP .You have been through a lot and its bound to have had some impact ,.Once you start to express your feelings and look logically about past issues and how they affected you .You will start to recover ,Talkings good .You will find lots of support here when you need it ,Good luck with your recovery .Luv Sue xx:hugs:

[Astarian]

thank you for the welcomes...i cant respond properly i freaked, i dont know why, i just cant handle anything very well, just when i think i'm ok i'm clearly not, so sorry. i ran away from the computer and hid in bed..stupid and unbelievable but i cant control my reactions. Everything is too raw.
It was something Typer said but I darent reread it right now. It wasnt a bad thing it was a good thing, it started to make me cry, and I was relieved too...and then I couldnt handle it and ran upstairs and stood staring into space for 5 minutes, sweating and shaking, then I just got into my bed.
I'm so scared all the time, scared of everything i never know what is going to set me off. i'm so sorry i'll have to come back later, a few days or something.
god i feel stupid and frustrated and out of control. I do have control but i never know how long that will last, its like two people here, the one I was, and the one most of the time now who freaks at everything.
i just want it to go away.
sorry catherine

[Typer]

Catherine, first of all, I apologise if anything in my post upset you, even if it was a good thing as you say. I guess what your doctor did, was open a door, or pierce through that membrane and perhaps I have too.

But listen, take heart, you can put all these things away again...please don't try to work on or think about everything at once. Baby steps is best.

I do recommend a good therapist who will take it nice and slow.

If you are feeling so overwhelmed and scared, instead of thinking about everything, try saying in your head, and over the thoughts "All is Well". Say it over and over, even if you don't believe it, eventually it will help. All is well, all is well. I know this will not be easy, but it is possible and if you can take some deep breaths in and out and say to yourself, relax on the out breath.

[lonewolf]

Hi, although I am male please think of me as just a message with no gender involved. It is amazing how you have thought and linked your problem's together. I admire you totally for that and having the courage to come out and say what you have. I think everyone felt the same, writing a thread about there deepest fear's. wanting help but fearing it also. I remember constantly refreshing the page and finally someone replied. I had to close my eyes while I clicked on it. I wanted to read what was said but dreaded it also. most of us has been there, and we all suffer from something.

You do seem a strong person like you say and you know this is a problem that has to be dealt with . Just try and keep positive. May I also ask if its not to much trouble, Is your fear of falling a embrassment issue too? People around seeing you falling over. Or is it just a issue about seriously injuring yourself by falling?

[Maj]

Hello Catherine,

What struck me was that you now have a great insight into why you feel like you do, and that's a good start. You've had many issues in your life, it's no wonder they caught up with you. The fact that you overcame depression before is a good sign for the future. Not wanting to go out is very common, my mum had agoraphobia many years ago so I've had an insight into this. You actually have got great courage and strength of character so you will get through this blip again, I'm sure. I'm glad you've got in touch with nmp because yet again you will see that you're not alone with your fears.
Myra:hugs: