Candiflare
19-01-10, 23:45
I wonder if any of you can help me put my finger on what I need to deal with and do about the way I feel. I am not prone to depression and I know this because I see the world as a fantastic, meaningful place. I have good relationships with others and when I wake up in the morning I feel like Ireally want to face the day.
However, I don't like myself very much. I don't hate myself, or self-harm or anything like that, I just don't rate myself very highly. I don't rate myself highly enough to take a daily shower/wash my hair/eat well/stay healthy. I think "Why bother?" I don't know why I think like this. I am not doing very well in my career and when I get rejected from things I feel like I understand why they rejected me and share some sort of affinity with them. Same with boyfriends. I completely understand why they reject me and agree with them totally - never put up a fight or anything, just accept it because I believe they're right.
I feel like I've been tossed in the wind of other people's views all my life.. first my parent's, then my peers at school, then my various boyfriend's over the years. I feel like I rate myself in the same way the person around me rates me. When I'm not around someone who boosts me up, I forget about my personhood and start to not wash, not care for myself. I don't feel like I'm punishing myself, I just feel like I don't exist.
What is this and how do I start tackling it?
However, I don't like myself very much. I don't hate myself, or self-harm or anything like that, I just don't rate myself very highly. I don't rate myself highly enough to take a daily shower/wash my hair/eat well/stay healthy. I think "Why bother?" I don't know why I think like this. I am not doing very well in my career and when I get rejected from things I feel like I understand why they rejected me and share some sort of affinity with them. Same with boyfriends. I completely understand why they reject me and agree with them totally - never put up a fight or anything, just accept it because I believe they're right.
I feel like I've been tossed in the wind of other people's views all my life.. first my parent's, then my peers at school, then my various boyfriend's over the years. I feel like I rate myself in the same way the person around me rates me. When I'm not around someone who boosts me up, I forget about my personhood and start to not wash, not care for myself. I don't feel like I'm punishing myself, I just feel like I don't exist.
What is this and how do I start tackling it?