87sal87
20-01-10, 15:11
Hi everyone,
I'm Sarah, but you can call me Sal if you like, most people do, amoung other things...lol & I'm 22yrs of age...soon to be 23 in a few months.
I'm new here & just need someone to listen really.
I've always been a "worrier" always thinking the worst of a situation, even since being small. When my Mum & Dad used to argue I used to get a flushed face, tummy pains & feel dizzy & just thought I was "nervous"...I got so worked up about going for a blood test once when I was 16, I passed out! Felt like I was gonna pass out when my kitten went to be neautered because I was so worried about him...but I always thought it was just "the way I was".
& I've had palpitations/random arm aches/flutters in the chest for aslong as I can remember & usually when the doctor checked me out, they'd ease off. & I was getting through life fairly normally really, I've had a hellish few years with different things but I got through them like you have to, as I say, I was plodding along to the best of my ability...until a few months ago :'( Things got steadily worse, I was constantly worried about Christmas & my other cat, whose quite old & who we've had a long time, had become seriously ill with her bladder/bowels, she was bleeding everywhere alot of the time :( & We had many a rush visit to the vets & we thought we were gonna loose her right before christmas, which was an unbearable thought as we think the world of our cats :(
Then one day at this time, I walked up to the local shop [a daily rountine for me] & standing in the queue, I noticed that my heart was pounding away very hard in my chest which I thought was unusual because I WALK EVERYWHERE! lol I'm abit overweight & have Polycystic Ovaries, but I've always felt fairly fit & never feel bad/out of breath when out walking, I can easily walk for 3 hours straight without feeling too bad [well, I used to be able too :(]
Anyway, after this I noticed this "pounding" alot, even sat with the laptop or watching the telly.
So I gave in & went to the doctors about it, thinking he'd just brush it off as he has done in the past...only he didn't...my pulse rate when he took it was 120bpms! I had just walked to the surgery & always get "nervous" before a doctors visit but he didn't seem to care about that, he sent me straight to the A&E! BIG MISTAKE!!!
It was like something took over me, I freaked out completely I was SO scared! I was worried I was about to have a heart attack & even if I did survive I was gonna be kept in a horrid hospital all over the christmas. :'(
I cried my eyes out at the hospital whilst they took tests, which isn't like me, I've developed a good coping mechanism over the years, I've had too :(
They did two ECG's...the first one was 120bpms like at the doctors but I was completely in the throws of panic when they took that one. But my sinus rythm was normal. Then they took blood & urine & did another ECG a few hours later which by that time, I was mentally & pysically exhausted. This time it was 88bpms & my rythm was still normal. All the blood & urine came back fine too, so they told me it was anxiety let me home, at my relief...or so I thought...
Because I swear to god that I left my old self back at that hospital, it was over a month ago & I've NEVER been the same since. From the next day onwards, I've been a wreck, a shadow of my former self. It's been a living nightmare & I don't know how to get out of it!
I'm constantly anxious & scared, constantly testing my pulse to make sure it isn't going too fast. Constant migraines when I only ever used to get them very rarely...strange vision, I can still constantly feel my heart pounding (it's even worse now), it feels irregular at times too which makes me question the ECG's they did. My neck, face, chest, teeth, arms, legs, you name it aches like billy-ho! I'm constantly tired, I've lost half a stone because my appetite is null & void. I feel constantly short of breath/dizzy/"weird" & I'm not sleeping, I'm purposely keeping myself awake till' the early hours because I'm afraid to go to sleep incase I don't wake up! Constantly googling my symptoms for reassurance that it's anxiety (which only makes me worse half of the time!)
& For someone who never went to the doctors, I've been about 5 times since that hospital visit.
It seems like I'm constantly waiting for "the heart attack" to happen, or to pass out & wake up in the ambulance or the hospital or worse, not to wake up at all.
I was someone who always took pride in my appearance even if I was just hanging round the house most of the day, always messing with my hair & make up to get it right, taking the time to decide what clothes & jewellry to wear, now I don't even get dressed most days... :'( I'm even bl**dy anxious when I have a bath/shower now in case I go "funny" in there & drown or hit my head. & I've heard aload of stories of people having heart attacks in their showers & baths...how stupid is that?
My blonde hair is growing out, something I never would have let happen in the past but I'm too afraid to dye it now incase I get a reaction...I'm worried my anxiety might have heightened my allergy sensitivity...so I don't want to dye it :(
& As for my walking, pfft, I've barely left my house, only to go to the doctors & my Dad has had to take me there in the car. It's only a brisk 20min walk to the surgery which I would have been able to do in sleep at one time, now the thought of it petrifies me...I mean, what if it get's my heart rate up & I collaspe or have a heart attack & end up at the hospital again?
I got so bad & freaked out with the palpitations & shortness of breath that I have even contemplated going back to the A&E, I was in abit of a state & was about to phone for a taxi to take me there & thought about all I went through there that night & just completely broke down into tears...I locked myself in the toilet crying my eyes out for ages. I felt like I needed medical help but couldn't go through with going back there... I felt so trapped...
& Still do :( I just wanna feel normal again. A few months ago I was looking forward to the new year, hoping to get my first job in a veterinary practice now that my training was over & start a part time performing arts course at college....(I secretly want to be a comedy performer/actress...sounds stupid now but I did used to be quite a pleasant, bright, funny person :() I always planned on learning how to play the guitar...now I feel like all that has been took away from me & it totally RUINED my christmas...I was even having dizzy spells & palpitations when I was opening my presents.
It's ruined my life as I knew it :( I can't believe one hospital visit seems to have done this to me, I always thought I was a strong person...I saw my Nan die in bad way of liver cancer when I was 9 years old. Every night I'd go to the hospital with my Mum to visit her & she'd be worse every night...but I got through that, even at that age. My Mum has been in & out of hospital with problems over the years aswell & I coped with that too...so why has one night at the hospital done THIS to me???
I still believe it's something physical but no-one is having none of it, sometimes I wish I would collaspe & something wrong would be found, at least then I'd be proven right & this nightmare would stop...
I've been given Buspirone but am too afraid to take them as one of the side effects is "racing pulse/palpitations"...I already have that!!!!
My first appointment with a therapist is this friday, don't know what good that will do but at this moment in time I'm willing to give anything a try :(
I just feel like crying all the time because I'm getting no peace from it, it's there 24/7 like a bad smell following me round, every little pain or twinge or dizzy spell fills me with dread...I have visions of calling an ambulance.
I'm getting awful stomach cramps & diarreha after I eat, it's just horrible.
I feel like I'm never gonna be the same again & that everything is ruined, I used to go out with some friends for a drink on a weekend, never anything too heavy, we're not these "binge drinkers" just a nice night out, you know? I can't even do that now as I'm afraid the drink will make my heart race & I'll take ill & I'll worry my friends & I'll ruin the night...I've not had a alcoholic drink since christmas eve as I thought it was making my palpitations worse (it was half a glass of lambrini lol) & freaked out over it...I haven't touched the stuff since, even though I feel like doing sometimes with the stress of it all but I'm too scared.
We had family over too & I must have looked crazy...I ruined the xmas for everybody but I couldn't help it. :'(
I know my family is dispairing with me, although my Mum is a little more understanding as she had anxiety problems when my Grandad (her dad) died & couldn't leave the house herself at the time...a therapist was coming to the house for ages but she got over it, in time.
They want to help me but they can't...but I feel like I'm burdening them which is upsetting me more :(
So I don't know, I think I've rambled on enough anyway. But I want to thank you to anyone who has read all this anyway, I feel like it has helped abit to get it all out, I've been feeling short of breath/dizzy/sick whilst typing it out but I've been determined to finish it.
I feel like it has helped, even in a small way...at least it's distracted me for abit & it's all "out of head" in some way...
I hope you won't judge me too harshly or think I'm crazy, I'm really not...I feel like the ol' Sal deep down...I just feel like I've lost part of her somewhere...the hospital probably...I mean, it is a big place...:winks: lol :)
I'm Sarah, but you can call me Sal if you like, most people do, amoung other things...lol & I'm 22yrs of age...soon to be 23 in a few months.
I'm new here & just need someone to listen really.
I've always been a "worrier" always thinking the worst of a situation, even since being small. When my Mum & Dad used to argue I used to get a flushed face, tummy pains & feel dizzy & just thought I was "nervous"...I got so worked up about going for a blood test once when I was 16, I passed out! Felt like I was gonna pass out when my kitten went to be neautered because I was so worried about him...but I always thought it was just "the way I was".
& I've had palpitations/random arm aches/flutters in the chest for aslong as I can remember & usually when the doctor checked me out, they'd ease off. & I was getting through life fairly normally really, I've had a hellish few years with different things but I got through them like you have to, as I say, I was plodding along to the best of my ability...until a few months ago :'( Things got steadily worse, I was constantly worried about Christmas & my other cat, whose quite old & who we've had a long time, had become seriously ill with her bladder/bowels, she was bleeding everywhere alot of the time :( & We had many a rush visit to the vets & we thought we were gonna loose her right before christmas, which was an unbearable thought as we think the world of our cats :(
Then one day at this time, I walked up to the local shop [a daily rountine for me] & standing in the queue, I noticed that my heart was pounding away very hard in my chest which I thought was unusual because I WALK EVERYWHERE! lol I'm abit overweight & have Polycystic Ovaries, but I've always felt fairly fit & never feel bad/out of breath when out walking, I can easily walk for 3 hours straight without feeling too bad [well, I used to be able too :(]
Anyway, after this I noticed this "pounding" alot, even sat with the laptop or watching the telly.
So I gave in & went to the doctors about it, thinking he'd just brush it off as he has done in the past...only he didn't...my pulse rate when he took it was 120bpms! I had just walked to the surgery & always get "nervous" before a doctors visit but he didn't seem to care about that, he sent me straight to the A&E! BIG MISTAKE!!!
It was like something took over me, I freaked out completely I was SO scared! I was worried I was about to have a heart attack & even if I did survive I was gonna be kept in a horrid hospital all over the christmas. :'(
I cried my eyes out at the hospital whilst they took tests, which isn't like me, I've developed a good coping mechanism over the years, I've had too :(
They did two ECG's...the first one was 120bpms like at the doctors but I was completely in the throws of panic when they took that one. But my sinus rythm was normal. Then they took blood & urine & did another ECG a few hours later which by that time, I was mentally & pysically exhausted. This time it was 88bpms & my rythm was still normal. All the blood & urine came back fine too, so they told me it was anxiety let me home, at my relief...or so I thought...
Because I swear to god that I left my old self back at that hospital, it was over a month ago & I've NEVER been the same since. From the next day onwards, I've been a wreck, a shadow of my former self. It's been a living nightmare & I don't know how to get out of it!
I'm constantly anxious & scared, constantly testing my pulse to make sure it isn't going too fast. Constant migraines when I only ever used to get them very rarely...strange vision, I can still constantly feel my heart pounding (it's even worse now), it feels irregular at times too which makes me question the ECG's they did. My neck, face, chest, teeth, arms, legs, you name it aches like billy-ho! I'm constantly tired, I've lost half a stone because my appetite is null & void. I feel constantly short of breath/dizzy/"weird" & I'm not sleeping, I'm purposely keeping myself awake till' the early hours because I'm afraid to go to sleep incase I don't wake up! Constantly googling my symptoms for reassurance that it's anxiety (which only makes me worse half of the time!)
& For someone who never went to the doctors, I've been about 5 times since that hospital visit.
It seems like I'm constantly waiting for "the heart attack" to happen, or to pass out & wake up in the ambulance or the hospital or worse, not to wake up at all.
I was someone who always took pride in my appearance even if I was just hanging round the house most of the day, always messing with my hair & make up to get it right, taking the time to decide what clothes & jewellry to wear, now I don't even get dressed most days... :'( I'm even bl**dy anxious when I have a bath/shower now in case I go "funny" in there & drown or hit my head. & I've heard aload of stories of people having heart attacks in their showers & baths...how stupid is that?
My blonde hair is growing out, something I never would have let happen in the past but I'm too afraid to dye it now incase I get a reaction...I'm worried my anxiety might have heightened my allergy sensitivity...so I don't want to dye it :(
& As for my walking, pfft, I've barely left my house, only to go to the doctors & my Dad has had to take me there in the car. It's only a brisk 20min walk to the surgery which I would have been able to do in sleep at one time, now the thought of it petrifies me...I mean, what if it get's my heart rate up & I collaspe or have a heart attack & end up at the hospital again?
I got so bad & freaked out with the palpitations & shortness of breath that I have even contemplated going back to the A&E, I was in abit of a state & was about to phone for a taxi to take me there & thought about all I went through there that night & just completely broke down into tears...I locked myself in the toilet crying my eyes out for ages. I felt like I needed medical help but couldn't go through with going back there... I felt so trapped...
& Still do :( I just wanna feel normal again. A few months ago I was looking forward to the new year, hoping to get my first job in a veterinary practice now that my training was over & start a part time performing arts course at college....(I secretly want to be a comedy performer/actress...sounds stupid now but I did used to be quite a pleasant, bright, funny person :() I always planned on learning how to play the guitar...now I feel like all that has been took away from me & it totally RUINED my christmas...I was even having dizzy spells & palpitations when I was opening my presents.
It's ruined my life as I knew it :( I can't believe one hospital visit seems to have done this to me, I always thought I was a strong person...I saw my Nan die in bad way of liver cancer when I was 9 years old. Every night I'd go to the hospital with my Mum to visit her & she'd be worse every night...but I got through that, even at that age. My Mum has been in & out of hospital with problems over the years aswell & I coped with that too...so why has one night at the hospital done THIS to me???
I still believe it's something physical but no-one is having none of it, sometimes I wish I would collaspe & something wrong would be found, at least then I'd be proven right & this nightmare would stop...
I've been given Buspirone but am too afraid to take them as one of the side effects is "racing pulse/palpitations"...I already have that!!!!
My first appointment with a therapist is this friday, don't know what good that will do but at this moment in time I'm willing to give anything a try :(
I just feel like crying all the time because I'm getting no peace from it, it's there 24/7 like a bad smell following me round, every little pain or twinge or dizzy spell fills me with dread...I have visions of calling an ambulance.
I'm getting awful stomach cramps & diarreha after I eat, it's just horrible.
I feel like I'm never gonna be the same again & that everything is ruined, I used to go out with some friends for a drink on a weekend, never anything too heavy, we're not these "binge drinkers" just a nice night out, you know? I can't even do that now as I'm afraid the drink will make my heart race & I'll take ill & I'll worry my friends & I'll ruin the night...I've not had a alcoholic drink since christmas eve as I thought it was making my palpitations worse (it was half a glass of lambrini lol) & freaked out over it...I haven't touched the stuff since, even though I feel like doing sometimes with the stress of it all but I'm too scared.
We had family over too & I must have looked crazy...I ruined the xmas for everybody but I couldn't help it. :'(
I know my family is dispairing with me, although my Mum is a little more understanding as she had anxiety problems when my Grandad (her dad) died & couldn't leave the house herself at the time...a therapist was coming to the house for ages but she got over it, in time.
They want to help me but they can't...but I feel like I'm burdening them which is upsetting me more :(
So I don't know, I think I've rambled on enough anyway. But I want to thank you to anyone who has read all this anyway, I feel like it has helped abit to get it all out, I've been feeling short of breath/dizzy/sick whilst typing it out but I've been determined to finish it.
I feel like it has helped, even in a small way...at least it's distracted me for abit & it's all "out of head" in some way...
I hope you won't judge me too harshly or think I'm crazy, I'm really not...I feel like the ol' Sal deep down...I just feel like I've lost part of her somewhere...the hospital probably...I mean, it is a big place...:winks: lol :)