carli
20-01-10, 22:04
Hi all, me again :blush: I dont know whats going on with me at the moment i just cant seem to get a grip on things. I have had anxiety for years but it has never stopped me doing things and made me depressed. When i had post natel depression when my son was 6 weeks old (he is nearly 9yrs now) I had it for nerly 2 years and although i have never felt "right" since i have been able to smile, laugh feel a happy warm feeling inside or and excitment about something but what ever it is i have now i feel......nothing!
I cant see a day coming along any time soon when i will genuinely feel happy. I know its sounds like im moping and feeling sorry for myself but im not, i just wanna get up and not feel fear, anxiety, anger (although i suppose i should be glad i feel something coz some days i get up and feel mothing) I think what as got me thinking like this is my friend is having a meeting tonight about possibley opening her own beauty shop, my other friend is in a good job they both have good social lives and heres me toscared to get a job in case i feel ill or my eyes start playing up.
So is this is for me? I hardle see any of my friends coz i dont wanna hear them talk about there lives as i cant relate to it because im stuck in this illness or anxiety or depression. I dont even know what it is!
I feel like im going crazy, im not sleeping properly. This cant be anxiety surely? Ive had it all my life and never felt this way. I have got more worrried about my health the last year because i had eye problems, they said it was optic disk drusan and it would not cause the snowy vison like thing that i have but i stupidly went and googled it adn read nothing but horror storys.....a few months later i had a really bad kidney infection and was in agony, i was white as a ghoast being sick everywhere. It really scared me and i thought i was gonna die. Then about 2 moths ago my son had an ashama attack took him hospital and they said was only a minor one and they would give him one nebulizer then he could go home. About 20mins after he had finsihed it he wanted to go a toilet so i took him and then he was standing there about to go a wee when he said, "mum mum im blind, i cant see" then he collapsed, i called the nurse and she thinks he fgainted because he had not eaten that morning. Id never been so scared in my life:scared15:
So i think maybe those few things may have just tipped my anxiety over the edge maybe? I gave up work in nov 08 due to being stressed, working to many hours and family problems.
So not what? is this my life...waking up everyday praying i will be around to bring my son up so he wont be left on his own, yet at the same time wishing i did not wake up tomorrow because i know what its going to be like....the same as today, absolute hell.
Thankyou for listening to me ramlble on and sorry its such a long post, could not stop once i had started.
I cant see a day coming along any time soon when i will genuinely feel happy. I know its sounds like im moping and feeling sorry for myself but im not, i just wanna get up and not feel fear, anxiety, anger (although i suppose i should be glad i feel something coz some days i get up and feel mothing) I think what as got me thinking like this is my friend is having a meeting tonight about possibley opening her own beauty shop, my other friend is in a good job they both have good social lives and heres me toscared to get a job in case i feel ill or my eyes start playing up.
So is this is for me? I hardle see any of my friends coz i dont wanna hear them talk about there lives as i cant relate to it because im stuck in this illness or anxiety or depression. I dont even know what it is!
I feel like im going crazy, im not sleeping properly. This cant be anxiety surely? Ive had it all my life and never felt this way. I have got more worrried about my health the last year because i had eye problems, they said it was optic disk drusan and it would not cause the snowy vison like thing that i have but i stupidly went and googled it adn read nothing but horror storys.....a few months later i had a really bad kidney infection and was in agony, i was white as a ghoast being sick everywhere. It really scared me and i thought i was gonna die. Then about 2 moths ago my son had an ashama attack took him hospital and they said was only a minor one and they would give him one nebulizer then he could go home. About 20mins after he had finsihed it he wanted to go a toilet so i took him and then he was standing there about to go a wee when he said, "mum mum im blind, i cant see" then he collapsed, i called the nurse and she thinks he fgainted because he had not eaten that morning. Id never been so scared in my life:scared15:
So i think maybe those few things may have just tipped my anxiety over the edge maybe? I gave up work in nov 08 due to being stressed, working to many hours and family problems.
So not what? is this my life...waking up everyday praying i will be around to bring my son up so he wont be left on his own, yet at the same time wishing i did not wake up tomorrow because i know what its going to be like....the same as today, absolute hell.
Thankyou for listening to me ramlble on and sorry its such a long post, could not stop once i had started.