View Full Version : Taking no more crap, time to stand up!
Hi Everyone,
Just thought I would share this with everyone!
For a long time I have played second fiddle to everyone around me and not been myself, I am too nice with people who basically take advantage of my good nature. This week I feel like I have found the missing piece out of my anxiety puzzle, I have lived my life like I was second best and always doubted my abilities, this thought pattern has left me to be low in confidence and low in self esteem. I think this all transpires from growing up as the middle child competing with two older brothers and a younger brother, possibly not feeling loved so acted as a hurt person (I don't know, but I don't want to ramble too much!).
This week I realised with what was happening to me at work and in life, that I was taking alot of crap and not dealing with it due to self doubt and insecurity. I turned this around by promoting inner confidence by everytime the self doubt popped in my head I would force it out by repeatedly saying to myself 'believe in yourself (1)', 'stand up for yourself (2)'. No one else could do this for me I had to take yet another challenge against my anxiety to conquer yet again. The feeling from being like this and giving myself positive affirmation I feel so free from anxiety, I think I may have cracked it, I feel happier in myself, the more I assert myself the better I feel, I feel so positive at the minute.
I am going to continue with giving myself messages of self belief until it becomes more natural, just like in the early days of recovery from anxiety. I am going to get there, its a pity its took till my bloody thirties to realise this.
Hope to all in the battle against anxiety.
LK x:D
That sounds very positive. I agree with you, the nicer you are there are people who will take advantage. You will get stronger by being more assertive, even although getting used to being more assertive takes courage in itself - but is worth it.
Myra:hugs:
This is an interesting post. It would seem that most if not all (myself included) sufferers from Anxiety are of a somewhat kind hearted nature, sensitive, caring and at times very vulnerable. Therefore, we are easy targets for the people who 'mock and/or abuse' our illness.
Personally, I have got to the point where I will do anything for a quiet and peaceful life, but this seems to have its price! People generally seem nowadays to view Anxiety as a weakness and consequently view its sufferers as the same. When I look back over my life, albeit somewhat uneventfull, I realise that most of the time I have been 'rulled' by others to an extent of playing a submissive role for the benefit of the dominant ones. Even my ex-wife (once a sweet and innocent woman) turned into a very dominant person when my anxiety got increasingly worse, telling me to 'grow up' and 'be a man' (although more expletive volcabulary was used at that time) and to this day, I believe she still views me as a 'looser.'
Every now and again, I get angry and will become the person I want to be. Unfortunately, it doesn't last long, but the feeling is wonderful.
Good for you Lion King ...People will always take adv antage if they know they can get away with it ..Too often it leaves you feeling bad about yourself ...Know yourself ,,,and stand your ground ..It can be very liberating .Self worth comes from self belief ..Onward and upward my friend ...Luv Sue x:hugs:
Lion king you said that so simply but i wish I had thought of those words... because they are so me...and yes you are right the feeling is wonderful and I too have that I hide behind my shield of armour...not letting people too close for fear of reprisal...though in my case that does ususally happen and mainly because they think I have the broadest shoulders when in fact I do not.. I hope we can all find our strengths and it continues to amaze me what support we can each offer to one another Hugs
This week I realised with what was happening to me at work and in life, that I was taking alot of crap and not dealing with it due to self doubt and insecurity. I turned this around by promoting inner confidence by everytime the self doubt popped in my head I would force it out by repeatedly saying to myself 'believe in yourself (1)', 'stand up for yourself (2)'. No one else could do this for me I had to take yet another challenge against my anxiety to conquer yet again. The feeling from being like this and giving myself positive affirmation I feel so free from anxiety, I think I may have cracked it, I feel happier in myself, the more I assert myself the better I feel, I feel so positive at the minute.
This is a very good post. There's a difference between being harsh and hurtful and assertively confident. The former can cause feelings of guilt and insecurity whereas the latter inspires respect and trust in others. Arrogance and harshness is usually a facade that conceals an insecure and frightened person beneath, whereas assertive confidence comes from within. I don't think it's something that you can teach people either (just as I don't think you can teach someone to have empathy). It's something you have to discover for yourself.
I agree with you, the nicer you are there are people who will take advantage
I think people confuse kindness with weakness. Society likes to portray successful people as being tough and hard and I think a certain degree of ruthlessness is implied by that, even though it is usually looked down upon. What happened to "The meek shall inherit the Earth"?
Even my ex-wife (once a sweet and innocent woman) turned into a very dominant person when my anxiety got increasingly worse, telling me to 'grow up' and 'be a man' (although more expletive volcabulary was used at that time) and to this day, I believe she still views me as a 'looser.'
I agree that people with "mental illnesses" (sorry, I hate that term) are looked upon as being weak. I think it comes back to society's views of what "normal" is. They think that because we may have problems handling our lives that our judgments can't be trusted and a lot of them assume the dominant role, taking charge - not in a kind but assertive way but in a very controlling and debasing way. I also agree that many people with anxiety/depression are very sensitive people and spend a lot of time considering other people's feelings, usually at the expense of their own....
.Self worth comes from self belief
Too right Sue. I think self-belief also comes from self-worth, ie love and acceptance of who you are, not what you should be... Another chicken and egg I suppose....
Hi Melancholia77
I liked reading that breakdown to your thoughts... so neither being too scared nor using armour is the answer we have to learn to just be who we are?
That way we are true to ourselves and it assists in being what we will be recognised as?
My natural self is the quiet shy girl with a wicked sense of humour..but when I am that people tend to dictate to me so that side of me tends to only come out with people I feel safe with in the first place and when I am hard and in control people feel that I am okay but push people away... you are absolutely right I do this to protect myself and am known in my family as having two modes, soft sharon and hard sharon... they all say they like the soft one ...
I always felt that by doing that I was stopping from being hurt but actually your post makes sense..neither show who we are if I try to make others happy I suffocate my emotions and if I try to act tough then I don't let people in and therefore my feelings are again pushed to the side..
I tend to accept and accept and accept and then feel really hurt if I feel let down and then the tough sharon comes out... other than that I tend to joke and try to hide the shy me away...is what you are saying is that if I am just me..warts and all ...then I will find life easier because I can get rid of those hidden hurts... I like the theory though admit I would be terrified by it.. but I would like to find peace with myself and then maybe I could find peace with others too (( hugs))
Hi Melancholia77
I liked reading that breakdown to your thoughts... so neither being too scared nor using armour is the answer we have to learn to just be who we are?
That way we are true to ourselves and it assists in being what we will be recognised as?
My natural self is the quiet shy girl with a wicked sense of humour..but when I am that people tend to dictate to me so that side of me tends to only come out with people I feel safe with in the first place and when I am hard and in control people feel that I am okay but push people away... you are absolutely right I do this to protect myself and am known in my family as having two modes, soft sharon and hard sharon... they all say they like the soft one ...
I always felt that by doing that I was stopping from being hurt but actually your post makes sense..neither show who we are if I try to make others happy I suffocate my emotions and if I try to act tough then I don't let people in and therefore my feelings are again pushed to the side..
I tend to accept and accept and accept and then feel really hurt if I feel let down and then the tough sharon comes out... other than that I tend to joke and try to hide the shy me away...is what you are saying is that if I am just me..warts and all ...then I will find life easier because I can get rid of those hidden hurts... I like the theory though admit I would be terrified by it.. but I would like to find peace with myself and then maybe I could find peace with others too (( hugs))
I missed your post - I tried to include them all, but I lost my original post and had to re-write the lot...
I think that the toughness is a cover for the softness - the "armour" or protection. You're right: we're a mixture of all these contradictory behaviours. No one can be mean ALL the time, just like someone can't be soft ALL the time. But people have images of us (just as we have images of ourselves and others) and they're constantly changing. I'm sure you've noticed that different people have different impressions of you and with that also expectations? I may see the tough Sharon and if I'm naive enough I think that's who you are, whereas I'm sure there are more than 1 or 2 Sharons LOL!
I think that in kindness and gentleness there's great strength, although it sounds contradictory. Kindness and gentleness doesn't mean you can walk all over me! It doesn't mean I'm a doormat. That's the assertive confidence I was talking about. It's just that we seem to swing from one extreme to the other. We're nice to people and because we're sensitive we get hurt and then our nasty side can come out. It doesn't mean that we're necessarily nasty to the person that hurt us either - we have a habit of turning that nastiness in on ourselves in the form of self-hate, which exposes us to even more abuse from others.
I hope that makes some sense...
Take care x
It makes a lot of sense thank you ((hugs))
really interesting thread....
Ive found Im either one way or the other (ie soft or harsh) I can seem to find middle ground,actually I dont think Ive actually found me yet.
I push people away too protect myself but when in fact it hurs me just as much - just wish I could find this middle ground...anyone know where to look?
Hi All,
Some really good posts.
I have been too sensitive, took things too personal and in the end shy'd away from dealing with issues as I did feel like the strong assertive person I should be was missing, as I said earlier I have lived with self doubt and being second best as a natural way of living life for some daft reason but I guess for me this must have been a defence mechanism.
I am challenging myself daily, but I feel this part of my life, the strong assertive me needs to come out and prove himself! I suffered with bad anxiety this week with dealing with a very selfish individual who is basically a bully at work, it took me a couple of days to deal with it but in the end I got top side and proved I will not be pushed around, I didn't have to be violent or threatening I just didn't take any crap and played it straight down the line and the anxiety was barely evident.
I feel like the anxiety has been a mental block in my head and all the work I have done in the past year has slowly but surely cleared away the mud. I will be this good strong person, I am the man I want to be, its just taken its natural course to find its way out to the surface.
Hope to everyone
LK x
I suggest reading a book called: No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert A. Glover.
It's quite an eyeopener.
I will get it googled!
Thanks
LK
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