Probably thought they were being helpful

[BunnyMazonas]

I really don't know how to approach this and would really appreciate some advice.

The background:

Depression, anxiety, illness and other issues have taken their toll over the last year and, I have to be honest, I've let things go in the house. Poverty got to the level where we've struggled to afford cleaning products or running the boiler for hot water too often, so we've been making do and rationing everything. The hoover works, but intermittently. The dishwasher has not worked in a year. Taps in the bathroom are broken so baths are run via a hose from the sink to the bath, because we cannot afford the replacement parts. In addition, the fact that I've kinda let things go has meant that, overall, yes my house has been very messy. It's not something I'm proud of, and I've avoided having friends over because of it.

I was going away for a week to spend it with my parents (they live abroad so I don't see them often) and asked a friend (also coworker) to cat-sit for us. I have another friend that usually does it, but she was away and no one else could help out. We tidied up as best we could before leaving - the friend only had to come into the front room and pass through the kitchen to feed, water and change litter so we just did those rooms and the areas the friend had reason to see. It wasn't a brilliant cleaning job, but we did our best, and covered what we did not have time to fix. We even left a note asking her to avoid looking at certain areas.

The Issue:

I came home to find the following had happened:



The frontroom had been recleaned. On the sofa were two bags with clean laundry (she had been in our bedroom and taken a couple of bags of clothes to the laundrette) and a shopping bag with new towels (she must have seen that ours are old, worn with bleached-out patches) and a note from "the cleaning fairy"
The oven had been cleaned inside and out.
The fridge and freezer had been emptied and cleaned.
The cupboard under the sink had been restocked with cleaning equipment.
The kitchen in general had been given a second cleaning.
The bathroom had been cleaned with new soap, toothpaste and toothbrushes purchased (we had taken ours with us to my mum's). The bathroom storage boxes had been removed, as had their contents.
Nice smelling iar fresheners had been put up about the place.
The computer/craft room (second bedroom, place we spend most of our time in) had been looked at- not much had been done but enough had been moved around that I could tell she'd been in there.
The contents of my store cupboard had been reorganised, with boxes from other rooms repurposed for food storage
Because she didn't know when our bin day was (and we only have a small bin) there are now a number of bags of rubbish out in our garden. Opposite the church yard. The church-yard with a rat problem.
The note from "the cleaning fairies" included a list of things that needed to be sorted out, such as "you need to get the landlord to fix the taps" "you need to replace the hoover - they only cost £20" "your washing machine needs looking at" and comments on cleaning activities that need to be done in the house and how frequently
There was a little box of cookies with the note.


I have to go back to work tommorrow (end of holiday time) and am dreading bumping into this friend on the work bus. I have no doubt she would have gossiped to the rest of our group about my house and have a feeling she may even have got them to help (cleaning "fairies" rather than "fairy"). I realise that my friend has never really encountered my situation WRT poverty and emotional/mental state, and probably thought she was being nice. But all I feel is that my privacy has been violated, my personal dignity has been entirely overlook and I feel like a scolded child. I purchased a gift to thank my friend for catty sitting (nothing pricey, just a token) but now I'll feel embarrassed to give it to her.

This isn't the first time my friend has made me feel like a charity case, whether it be ignoring my financially-motivated choice not to drink on a night out by buying me drinks without asking me ALL NIGHT LONG or offering to buy me groceries. I know she thinks she's being nice and helpful but I hate it, and this incident really did knock me for six.

I'm trying to work out how I am going to approach things at work tommorrow and how I should react/respond to her, what I should say or if I should say anything and just the thought of it is making me feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack.

[Carys]

Oh gosh, this is one tricky problem !!! There is no doubt she was well-meaning and thought she was being kind, but, boy oh boy, I can totally see why you feel violated/offended and confused about what to do. I' be devastated, particularly as you requested that she didn't 'look' at the mess in other places.

My personal feeling is that she MAJORLY over stepped the mark by leaving you a 'list of things to do' yourself. This is incredibly insensitive and doesn't treat you with much dignity. I think if she'd have left you a wee note saying 'I know you've been struggling a bit recently, so I thought I'd give you nice surprise and tidy up downstairs whilst the cats were eating', then it'd all be a bit different. The fact is though that she went through your house, moving things, cleaning things, replacing things and doing things how 'she ' thought they should be done and to reflect how 'she' thinks you should live.

How to deal with it ? I'm not sure I could deal with her face to face, call me a coward, but maybe write a note to her if you feel it is making you anxious to speak to her directly ? I think you need to thank her for caring enough for you to spend time in cleaning the house, but, say that you were quite happy really with how things were. You can see that she thought she was being altruistic and appreciate she may not have meant offence, but you live in the way you like to live (even if this isn't quite true lol) and you are now feeling rather embarrased that she has been through the house whilst you weren't there.

I think put it down to experience, and don't ever ask her round to look after anything whilst you are away. I would be devastated and outraged actually if any of my friends (two are keyholders) had invaded my privacy in this way, and I trust them enough to know that they never would steo outside certain boundaries, and I think your friend needs to learn about the boundaries of trust that should exist within a friendship.

I think you might have other people offering alternative views on this one, as it is complicated....

[peach]

hello,

i agree, this is tricky.. your friend was definatly well meaning. im a bit of a clean freak (most of the time) and recenty cleaned my auntys loungeroom. i thought i was helping as she has 4 kids and is single, so i figured didnt have time and would appreciate coming home to a clean room...when i got home hubby told me i should not have done it as it may offend her. i didnt think about this at all!!!! so i called her to apoligise...she was fine and seemed thankful id helped her.

your case is a little different...this is friend, not family, also she went through your entire house...and i agree, the note was a little too much. is she a neat freak? i would still give her the gift and thank her for all the work she did, but beg her not to do it anymore. dont be afraid to stand your ground. its ok to say no.

a gift should not have to be expensive or big. it is just as you said a token.
and she wouldnt be a friend is she only gives to receive.
good luck with this one and let us know how you fair..

[BunnyMazonas]

Thanks for your advice so far guys. I have to admit I'm finding this very hard and it is quite upsetting. I've tried rereading the note from my friend in case I misinterpreted it, but the first paragraph describes the "tidy fairies" flying past my house, noticing the smell, and being "horrified" and deciding to "return it to a habitable state". I'm still sure she meant well but... honestly this is really upsetting me. I'm finding it hard to find a way to interpret her behaviour positively.

I don't want to upset her because I know she did this only out of a misplaced sense of duty and kind intent, but I feel hurt by this. I KNOW I have let things go, I KNOW I was a messy person BEFORE my spiralling anxiety issues so for a particularly tidy person the perspective is going to be different, but I would much rather she either did nothing or was at least more discreet. If she felt the NEED to tidy, she could have straightened up the rooms she had to access, if she wanted to be charitable the provision of new cleaning equipment was very sweet, but she had no need to go upstairs at all, let alone rummage through my bedroom for laundry or make lists of the things that are broken or whatever. It's almost like she assumes I had not noticed the mess, or something.

I also now have a major problem with the bins outside. Under government guidelines people in my area all have a set size of bin, emptied fortnightly, and get charged if it is overfilled. It was almost full when we left and there are a number of bags around it now (like I said she emptied my freezer, probably assuming the food in there was frost damaged or something, so there is all that out there as well as the things she decided to replace etc). There is a local rat problem, so the bags will be got into if left, but neither me or my partner drive so we can't exactly take the bags to a local dump. I have to either pay for collection (cannot afford), pay a fine for overfilled bins (cannot afford) or resort to fly-tipping/filling neighbour's bins (illegal and immoral).

[Slothette]

Hi Bunny

To be honest with you as I was reading I was thinking that it wasnt too bad until I got to the bit where your friend is leaving you instructions!

If she had maybe cleaned a bit and left only the towels then you could give her the benefit of the doubt and try to put it down to the actions of a well meaning friend who knows you havent been well with depression etc.

I think she's overstepped the mark and I agree she probabaly has mentioned it to your other work colleagues.

I think I would face her and give her the token and say thankyou. Theres not much else you can do except put this one down to experience - and dont ask her to do anything for you again.

[Slothette]

Bunny - I cant believe she emptied the food out of your freezer!!

As far as the bin bags are concerned I would ask her to come round with her car and take them to the tip for you seeing as she has caused the problem!

[magpie girl]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm this one is a real tricky one for me because most my friends call me the cleaning fairy:blush::blush::blush::blush:Infact if they go away im always asked to clean or redecorate if i want to:D:D:D:DMost of my friends no im a clean freak and i love to paint,they also know i will not pet sit if the house is not organised as they know it drives me nuts,most of them leave it a mess coz they know i will clean up.Howerver id never leave a list of the things to and i never enter there bedrooms,its just common courtesy its a private room.:ohmy::ohmy::ohmy::ohmy:I do think however overall she had your best interests at heart she was just not diplomatic about it.I would have a private chat to her explain you have not been well,you dont need to go into great detail,i think your friend may also have a cleaning OCD:D:D:D

[Carys]

"tidy fairies" flying past my house, noticing the smell, and being "horrified" and deciding to "return it to a habitable state".



Errrrrrrrr, ok, that is even worse than it sounded earlier ! Good grief, that is really quite offensive actually.

[BunnyMazonas]

Good grief, that is really quite offensive actually

I'm glad it isn't just me that thought that! It's terrible but I really do feel like not going to work tommorrow. I can't calm down about it and I know I'll be fighting off an anxiety attack all day. I'll have to face it eventually, of course, but I just feel really, really uncomfortable. Still can't decide what to do :s

[RosieXXX]

I can understand how you must be feeling. Is there any chance you can phone her and speak to her before work tomorrow, at least it might give you a chance to get it off your chest and clear the air with her before work tomorrow. It is a very difficult situation; you must also weigh up how much you value her friendship - she has over stepped the mark, but obviously well intentioned in a misguided way - it would be a pity to ruin an otherwise good friendship.

[BunnyMazonas]

I thought about calling her, but I managed to procrastinate and worry myself until it was too late to do anything! That and I still don't know what to say. I definitely don't want to ruin this friendship, which is what makes this so hard.

I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings as I still believe that, however inappropriate, she didn't actively mean any harm. But I keep "discovering" new things she's done, like going down a while ago to cook dinner and finding half my pots and pans have been chucked (yes they were old, worn, rusty, buckling and the handles were melting and falling off. If I could afford to replace them I WOULD HAVE. Now I have to just go without) and it makes me angry as well as upset, because she's actually, whether she realises it or not, been quite thoughtless. But I can't figure out how to thank her for the gesture and then make it clear that she overstepped the line without upsetting her or making her feel bad.

Right now all I feel is that I want to back away, curl up in a hole and avoid her, and all my friends in the area (all one small social group we are) and just huddle away somewhere. I tend to clam up when I get stressed and sort of disappear into my own self and avoid everything and everyone. It isn't healthy. I've been going over in my head about just quitting work to avoid the whole thing (yeah, great idea. OH unemployed, both of us desperately poor, so obviously losing our only income is a GREAT coping strategy. Ugh).

[peach]

so you dont get worse over this, you do need to face her, it doesnt have to be harsh at all.

if she is a true friend she will understand and hold back when she tries to clean again.

with rgard to the pots and pans, well, i totally understand your point, but when those things get rusty it can become bad, andyou shouldnt be cooking with them, as rust shouldnot be getting into your food.
if you cant buy new ones, either ask her if she has any she doesnt want or salvation army should be able to help you out with better ones.

tell you you appreciate what she best intended and love her as a friend, but cannot afford to do all the things she put on the list, and that sometimes because of your anxiety, you need to just leave things at your place. let her know her note made you feel bad and that in the big picture, a clean house is not as important to you as healing your mind....hopefully she will understand and support you.

[BunnyMazonas]

but when those things get rusty it can become bad, andyou shouldnt be cooking with them, as rust shouldnot be getting into your food

That's strange - after the pans started rusting I researched and all the resources I could find stated that there are no health risks to rusty pans unless you are incapable of digesting iron - some even stated that in parts of the world where iron-rich food are scarce people habitually keep pans rusty to increase iron intake. The pans didn't LOOK great but I thought they were find to use.

You're right though. I do need to face her. I am DREADING it though!

[peach]

oh, thats good to know!

glad you researched, i guess i just took others advice as true...

my mum recently washed my dishes and threw out a pot of ours...she was probably being overprotective at im pregnant...


keep us posted how it all goes for you....deep breath :yesyes:

[Maj]

I'd tell her that you knew she meant well, but that you like things in your home just the way they are, and that everyone's different. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it as you'll only stress about that as well. Just be straight to the point, but polite. And never ask her again. It's awful, but sounds as though she needs to get a life and not try and sort everyone else's life out.
Myra:hugs:

[Going home]

From everything you've said about her there were already signs about the kind of person she is, you've obviously known her long enough to know what she can be like, and you also refer to her as your friend. I agree that she overstepped the mark with some of it, but if she thinks you suffer with depression and thinks the depression stops you from cleaning the house, then i would say she was just trying to help.

If you thought she was doing all these things...such as the buying of the drinks etc...to undermine you, then why would you trust her to go into your house while you were away? There's obviously some part of this woman that you like or she wouldn't be your friend, so I would say have the good grace to accept that as your friend she was helping you.

If you are a naturally untidy person and just can't be bothered to clean or sort stuff out, then yes she was out of order because that's going against who you are, but if the untidiness is because of mental health problems then I would say she was helping her friend.

GH :)

[BunnyMazonas]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I spoke to my friend today and she explained things a bit more. It started when our electric started playing up, resulting in the fridge and freezer warming up and the contents turning oogie. So they started working on getting rid of the oogie stuff and cleaning up the resulting spillage into the kitchen. Then, during the quietitude of our being away the local churchyard rat population managed to break into the kitchen via the basement, getting into cupboards and other areas. Obviously at that point a full scrub-down was needed. She then decided to buy us gifts of cleaning stuff and towels etc because she knew about the problems we'd been having and noticed we were low on stuff.

In retrospect, my friend realised she probably should have mentioned that in the letter, and realised that the combined effect of everything probably made it look like they'd just gone on a rampage through the house, but at the time she'd been trying to write a "jokey" letter to try and AVOID offending us. :doh:

Knowing the reason why they decided to help made it a LOT easier to understand and she emphasised it was done out of concern for us, just not communicated very well! I admit I feel a little silly for having gotten offended now, but fortunately she understood why we misinterpreted what had been done and I made sure to express my thanks given the new information for everything they'd done.

[Anxious_gal]

stop worrying about your friends feelings and worry about yours! just be honest , tell her how you really feel!
you teach people how to treat you, sure she may have had good intentions but she totally disrespected you!
if she is a good friend she will understand, yo need to show her things from your point of view. she has never lived your life and she's not a mind reader, so try and let her know how you feel.

[Carys]

Phew, that IS a relief...as you say, it makes it all easier to understand once you know the full reasons she had for 'sorting your house out'. I tell you what though, you didn't bottle out, you talked to her and despite feeling anxious, tackled things head on. Well done you !

[peach]

i agree with carys, congrats!!!!

good on you for talking to her...and what a lovely outcome.

[BunnyMazonas]

Thanks! I'll be honest I was terrified right up until the point I asked her about it, but as soon as the words were out I felt better! Now I just need to work on my apparent paranoia and doom'n'ngloom attitude to things! :blush:

[Carys]

apparent paranoia


Well, I don't think you were paranoid to be honest, you worked from the evidence you were presented with. Both the note from the friend and the things she did, didn't indicate the full story.

[ridingthewaves]

Bunny I really feel for you..very tricky indeed! I think the idea of a note might be good or the phone call. She a)obviously did it out of good intentions and not to chastise you b) went over the boundary by leaving the note...Prehaps a 'Big thank you for having a clean up for ,I was aiming to do it on my return but you have saved me thejob. As for the note,I had already made a list and was again going to sort that when I got back,so your note did leave me feeling uncomfortable and a little offended. Please don't take that the wrong way as I really am grateful for all you did. " ..or something like that...if she doesnt know you too well ie: and how you are feeling and what you are going through,she might have thought the note would help rather than hinder . And as Rosie said it would be a shame to ruin an otherwise good friendship.
best wishes
jan

[ridingthewaves]

Ah just read other posts lol :) well done Bunny ,you did great !!
jan

[magic girl]

hi bunny
can you send your friend round to do my house as its starting to look a bit like beruit and i cant get motivated enough to sort it out:blush::blush:i think a few of us get a bit untidy when we are feeling crap so i would'nt feel to embarresed i stopped worrying what people think of me a long time ago but i just wish i could be one of those people who are obsessed with cleaning:D

[BunnyMazonas]

i just wish i could be one of those people who are obsessed with cleaning:biggrin:

Tell me about it. I mean, I'm naturally a messy person at the BEST of times, and I sometimes wish I could understand my friends who claim to enjoy housework!