Is this OCD?

[harasgenster]

Hi
For the last few years, though only very occasionally, I've got a sudden fear that I might be a lesbian. I start worrying that I'm in love with my best (female) friend. I worry because this would turn my life upside down and I would lose my best friend.

There doesn't seem to be any reason for me to worry about it. I have never fancied a woman or found thoughts of women arousing. I have fancied many many men and all of my sexual fantasies revolve around men, I've never even found the idea of a threesome (where another woman is involved) appealing. Also, I only started worrying about this after someone else implied it. Before then, when I was a young teenager, me and my friends had experimented with kissing each other and I had never found it arousing.

Once, when I was very drunk, I shared a bed with this friend and a thought about having sex with her flashed through my mind. It scared me and ever since then I've been terrified that it might have meant something. I think that since then I joke with her a lot that we might cross a boundary. To me this either means that I'm gay but don't know it and I'm playing with the thought; or that I'm so scared that I might become aroused by women that I'm playing around with the thought to make sure - to get some kind of assurance that it's not like that.

I read the post below about paedophilia and recognised the same sort of thing. When I'm really scared about this, my best friends face starts flashing up in my mind when I'm fantasising about men and I become scared that I'll become more aroused by that than the man. I've considered trying to masturbate over thoughts of her to prove to myself that I don't find it arousing (because I really am certain that I'm straight) but I'm so scared to be proved wrong that I can't bring myself to.

Do you think it sounds like I'm confused about my sexuality or that I'm just very very anxious? This isn't all the time but now and then I'll be reminded of it and then I start to get very very afraid and depressed. I start thinking that maybe that's the reason that I'm stressed - that I fancy my best friend - and I've blocked it out. I'm not sure if it would be possible at the age of twenty three to be a lesbian and have never consciously fancied a woman though, do you?

Thanks

EDIT: Another thing: I sometimes get a thought of doing omething that I don't want to do and I have to get away from the situation to stop myself from doing it (because I just think I'll lose control and do it) - was wondering if that was ocd or common garden anxiety? Thanks

[bgates87]

It sounds like these intrusive thoughts are being caused by general anxiety rather than OCD. If you had OCD there would be some kind of compulsion, an activity which you felt you had no choice but to perform repeatedly to reduce the anxiety caused by your obsession. Counting objects, placing things in order, etc. You didn't describe experiencing this kind of behavior. Whatever the cause, the most important thing to remember is that your intrusive thoughts don't define you!

Wikipedia has a very informative page on Sexual Obsessions that I found while trying to better understand my own intrusive thoughts. The one thing I found interesting was the section on self-doubt, and how it can cause you to believe that your sexual obsessions are reality even though you know they are not.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_obsessions

The page does speak about sexual obsessions almost exclusively in the context of OCD so just remember that OCD is not the only cause of these types of intrusive thoughts and is likely not the cause in your case.

Also note I'm not a professional of any kind and if you feel you should seek professional advice don't let anything I say stop you. I'm just a fellow sufferer of intrusive thoughts and anxiety trying to share what has helped me. Good luck! :D

[harasgenster]

Thanks, that looks like a really useful link. Interestingly, after a few hours (I really was terrified of this when I wrote it!) I thought back on this post and found it ridiculous.
As I say, this particular thought only comes under great stress (and possibly a fear of my life being turned upside down by something out of my control) and in this case it was incredibly fleeting. It's amazing how I can convince myself that there is something wrong when, just a few hours after writing this - having taken my mind off it with something else I can think of absolutely no reason why these thoughts could have even made sense to me when they're is obviously no evidence for them!

Damn anxiety!

EDIT: Just read that link. Wow! So reassuring! It makes so much sense! I knew it was illogical - I had experimented as a child as I say (though, to be fair, it was because I thought it was something boys liked!) and not felt a thing so I felt that I'd already had proof that I didn't feel for women but still couldn't dismiss the fear! Even weirder, I thought, that it had cropped up only as an adult. but when I think about it, it started after I found out a long term boyfriend (who I loved deeply) was gay and I started to worry that it was possible for anyone to just "find out" they were gay at an older age. Of course, it wasn't really like that with him. He was never that interested in women, he was just in denial; where as I have always had an interest in men.

That really made me feel better! Thank you for showing me the article!