My darkest, deepest thought.

[Redrainbow]

Now if you have read my posts, then you know i'm fairly honest about my feelings to you all, and what's happening inside me. As i trust my new friends on here, some of my new friends i have even given my name too so they can see who i am on friends reunited, BUT!

Yes But, I have not shared my worst thought yet, not sure i'm ready too but it's one of the deepest thoughts i keep getting over and over and the worst one too, the real one that drives me insane and keeps dragging me into a almost different world of pure hell, It seems to stem from something that really happened to me at 11 or 12 year old. It's like a seed that sat waiting to germinate inside my head.
But yet the strangest thing it was not a nasty thing that happened, it was normal and insignificant at the time, so why does it haunt me so much now.
Please tell me someones has a similar torment, or is this just me?

[claire m]

im sure many have thoughts that start this way are you getting any counselling? (soz i have a bad memory) as this could be something really significant or something you want to put out there with them xx
claire.

[Alicat]

Hi there,

I have these too, although I don't know the background of this and their significance. They're known as 'intrusive thoughts' and are thoughts which you might normally be able to shrug off as 'just a thought' but because they upset you or they don't sit with how you think you 'should' think or your 'normal' way of thinking, you end up ruminating and trying to work out why you're thinking it. So...you attach more meaning to them than they might have and they get stronger and stronger. Does that make sense?

I'd definitely speak to your counsellor about this.

:hugs:

[Redrainbow]

Yes little Ali,
That does make sense, Those thoughts almost try and take over my life and it hurts so much sometimes and nearly always makes me cry.
Regards Wayne.

[catchthepigeon]

Its odd but I think I can pin all of my anxiety, panic attacks, social phobias etc down to a specific situation, I remeber having my 1st panic attack, blushing, sweating etc and the intrusive thoughts grew from that.

Can anyone else remember anything specific that triggered the problems?

[Redrainbow]

That's a good question! My nurse/councillor ask if they were triggered or not. If it was a thought that triggered all my depression and anxiety off, if it was it was a nice thought, i know that sounds strange. But thoughts started to grow from something from the past, and from that they spirraled into alsorts on nightmares and dellusions. And now most of the time my mind has become pure hell for me, I'm in control of my actions but not all of my thoughts and emotions.
Does anyone else have similar expierances?

[Mudskipper]

Well I can recall embarassing little incidents going all the way back to my very earliest years. So many other things which might actually be nice to recall have slipped away but not these, they're all stored away just waiting for my subconscious to dig them out and bother me with them when I least expect it. Thing is, they're totally insignificant, even on a personal level, let alone in the grander scheme of things. If it were possible to look up the other people involved, I doubt they'd even remember me, let alone the situation itself, so why can't I let it go? All part of who I am and why I'm a worrier I guess.
I understand how you feel and I wish you well.

[Redrainbow]

Well mudskipper,
I know exactly where your coming from there mudskipper! Infact one of my most haunting thoughts (i have actually contacted the person to see if they remember me, and they do), but it's a nice thing that happened when i was about 11. BUT yes this memory now turns into alsorts of strange thoughts and nightmares scenario's, it won't leave me, that's just one, but the main one. I have thought of meeting the person to see if that will actually put a stop to that thought for once and for all, but where would i start? You acn only understand this illness if you have it, you tell anyone else this sort of stuff and they would run a mile!

[Brunette]

You know meeting the person might help Redrainbow.

I had a good schoolfriend but we fell out in a big way when we were about 17.

Anyway, although it was a shame, I never felt any real sadness that our friendship had ended and didn't miss her - I left school and my life moved on. However I would, every couple of months or so, dream about her to the point where it got really annoying because, as far as I was concerned she was in the past and staying there. I asked myself if I still felt sad or guilty and honestly didn't, at least not when I was awake!

Anyway, many years later a mutual friend turned up with her at my birthday party. Since then we have become friends again and the dreams have gone away! My conscious mind didn't have any unresolved issues but clearly my unconscious mind did!

[Redrainbow]

You know i often wonder why some people get given such a good life and others get given such a hard one, i mean who or what decides this? I look around at people and think your so happy why am i so unhappy. I know there are people out there much worse off than me, and i know this. Yet i'm still so down.
I have a great wife and three great kids but still i feel this way.

[smudger]

redrainbow i'm so with you on that one! depression etc I think as a very selfish illness...not that selfishness is intentional, selfishness is a symptom of depression for me. The people that love us can see that this behaviour isn't a 'normal' flaw in our personality. My dad suffers depression BIG TIME and has been in a psychiatric unit twice, his mum was institutionalised years ago when people were labelled as loony (no hope for me really is there?lol!)! I remember once when I didn't understand I said to dad "there are children dying of cancer in this world dad and you are sitting there feeling sorry for yourself!" (cant BELIEVE I said that but I did, so mad with myself). Dad said "I don't bloody care about them, they are better off dead". I was gobsmacked to say the least and I gave him a good tellin off! Its only after my recent decline that I appreciate that my dad (who used to mend wild birds wings when I was little, or buy next doors kids an icecream without them asking, or sweep old ladies chimneys for nothing...I could go on) was ill when he said that and probably can't even remember saying such a dreadful thing. I don't forgive him coz theres nothing to forgive...he didnt TRULY mean what he said! It was the illness talking. Some people do get all the bad luck and theres no sense in anything. This doesn't lessen the devastation of our illness so please remember that you deserve to get better too and never feel guilty about it because you think others are worse off than you.

About your earlier comment. I had something happen to me when i was 16 when I went to see a doctor. I won't go into details but lets say I still feel unsettled about it. It may have been perfectly innocent but it does upset me when I think about it. However I can't see the point in opening up a can of worms that may have been a misunderstanding. Thats my way! sorry its an essay!

[Brunette]

"You know i often wonder why some people get given such a good life and others get given such a hard one, i mean who or what decides this? I look around at people and think your so happy why am i so unhappy. I know there are people out there much worse off than me, and i know this. Yet i'm still so down.
I have a great wife and three great kids but still i feel this way."

Every study that's ever been done has concluded the same thing - that luck, or lack of it balances out over time and often what makes something seem good or bad is our attitude to it and nothing more. One person sees a setback, another sees an opportunity and so on. Just as there will be those who are better off than you so there will be those that are far worse off.

As you did at the end of your post, be consciously grateful for the good things in your life and remind yourself often, even if it is something as simple as "well at least it isn't raining today."

Best wishes

B

[catchthepigeon]

Redrainbow,

With regards to your post, I can honestly say you need to discuss your thoughts with someone, however hard it seems to be in your head, believe me, if you let it go, your mind will suffer far less.