New to depression and anxiety, first therapy tmw, freaking out a bit

[Henpen]

I was diagnosed with depression about 2 months ago and initially was given Citalopram and it seemed to help a bit after an initial rough time with side effects. I was feeling really sad and hopeless but not knowing why, don't have a reason really I just felt terrible. Normally I am an upbeat cheerful person, I have a lot in my life to be thankful for and don't know why I feel like this. My partner is amazingly supportive, I am lucky enough to enjoy my job, my colleagues are great and I have a small number of close friends and a supportive family. I know these are all blessings. I have so much that is good and I don't understand why I feel like i'm a ghost in my own life, not really living in it just watching it. Has anyone else ever felt this and were you able to overcome it?

Then it was Christmas and my partner broke his ankle, suddenly I am responsible for everything around the house and can't seem to drag myself out of bed most days, simple chores are overwhelming. I started to get dreadful insomnia, waking up at all hours and lying awake worrying about the silliest things (e.g. "I forgot to buy milk so there will be none for breakfast so what will I have instead and is there bread for toast or can I go to the shop to buy some," sounds stupid but at the time this was a big deal and I couldn't shut it up). Since starting Citalopram I have been having crazy mood swings, really elated one day with super-human energy and then sleepy and tearful the next. Some days I have disturbing thoughts and I have also started having anxiety attacks and freaking out at little things like not being able to fit all the shopping away in the cupboard (what is that about?!) and about people standing too close to me on the tube, all sorts really. I started to make mistakes at work, promising to take on lots of things on an up day and then failing miserably to do them on a down day. My job is quite high pressure so cock ups are not really allowed and I feel bad for my colleagues.

A week ago I had a total meltdown at work, just burst into tears and ran out of the office. I have no idea how I managed to get home on the tube, I was seriously freaking out, couldn't stand up straight, felt sick and got very irrational about the trains being delayed (good old TFL was not at its best). My GP signed me off sick and luckily I have private healthcare so was able to see a psychiatrist 2 days later. She has put me on Prozac, given me Xanax for the anxiety and Doplicone for sleeping. Now I feel like a walking pill box. The sleep is better but the anxiety and ups/downs are still going on. Xanax helps but it's a bit addictive I think.:scared15:

I am really worried because the doctor mentioned Bipolar Disorder as a possible diagnosis. What if I have Bipolar and how is this different from depression? Will I be able to go back to my job, will it wreck my relationships and friendships - I am very moody and hard to be around so this is something i worry about? Either way I am worried that I will be ill for a long time and that I will struggle to learn to cope with normal things again.

If you have read all this sorry sorry sorry for such a long complaining post and bless you for sticking with me. It's my first therapy session tomorrow - can you tell that i definitely need to talk about it?! I am also dreading going to therapy as I don't want to drag up a whole load of painful stuff from the past when I am feeling this low, but I have been reading the posts on here and others are so positive about therapy so I will try to be brave and give it a go.

If anyone has been through this and can help I would be so greatful.:weep:

[Henpen]

Hi again,

Just to say that I went to therapy yesterday and it was much less scary than anticipated. My therapist is going to help me with some tools to deal with anxiety and she seems like someone I can trust. I am still a bit wobbly but much better than when I posted the big rant above. Hope that those who read it won't think badly of me for splurging out all my feelings.

HP

[Kat M.]

Hi Henpen,

Good that you are feeling better today. It is also good to voice what's going on inside you in a written form, as this can help to gain clarity. So don't feel bad about your earlier post.

A few things. Digging up the past might not help. Stay on guard and if it start getting you down, know that you don't have to go there. It's in the past. It seems that your therapist is doing a good job so far.

Now, doctors get their own anxiety when they cannot diagnose you. No written down diagnosis, no way they can consider themselves doing a great job. It also adds to their dilemma on what pill they can give you.

Pills are good and bad. You don't want to numb yourself silly and waste a bunch of years. You don't need a fast diagnosis to please the doctors either. It does not help you to get better.

What helps you to get better is a focus on your recovery. Take some exciting trip with your family or friends (even a day trip will help), re-asses what can you add to your life to make it more vibrant and fresh.

And under any circumstances do not push people away, stay connected. Find a courage and confess: ' I felt really bad recently. I am recovering now and hope you can support me'. You will be surprised how many people will be there for you.

[smudger]

Hi Henpen. I've just read your introduction and your latest posts. I just wanted to say that I'm having cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and at first I felt worse rather than better. Talking about negative experiences is bound to make you feel down but please persevere, you will learn a lot about the way you think and feel, the patterns that have been created by life's experiences to date....your expectations (some unrealistic or impossible) of yourself and other people and trigger situations that set you on a downward spiral. Its only with a combination of the correct medication, therapy, and a healthy lifestyle that I am now feeling alot like I'm heading towards my old self. I dearly wish this for you too!

I'm not sure how far you have gone down the bi polar line yet but can I remind you that many bi polar celebrities have successful careers. Macy Gray (music and acting), Stephen Fry (writer, actor AND comedian, I SO admire him), Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) and Ray Davies (The Kinks) all musicians,American crime writer Patricia Cornwell, Mel Gibson (actor), the lady who starred in The Terminator movies (Linda Hamilton), even Florence Nightingale and she did a fantastic job! Just food for thought, I hope this helps ease your concerns!:)

[Idstain]

Hi Henpen,

I suggest reading whatever you can by Dr Claire Weekes. Her books have helped cure countless people of anxiety (and some depression) and could be a huge help to you.

sounds like you have a good attitude to it all anyway :)

[Kat M.]

Hi again,

How are you? Are you still off work?

May I ask you a question?

What do you mean when you said: 'I feel like I'm a ghost in my own life, not really living in it, just watching it.'

It just sounds like, while you have a lot of great stuff going on in your life, something important is missing. Am I wrong?

Big hug!

Kat

[Henpen]

Hello all,

Thank you for your posts :) Some really helpful thoughts, great to get others' views on the therapy thing. I also loved the list of Bipolar success stories, I'm also a huge fan of Stephen Fry, but didn't realise that I might be in the same boat as Florence Nightingale, a bit of a personal hero. I will certainly follow up on the reading list, thank you Idstain.

Re a diagnosis, the doctors haven't done more than bandy about some terminology and stick me on some meds. Kat, thanks for advising that a fast diagnosis probably won't be helpful, I think I was obsessing on that a bit. Everyone is right that the doctors can't fix it if I don't participate in the process. More therapy today so keep your fingers crossed for me :)

Being a ghost in my own life - it's hard to explain this one. I sometimes think that if I was in a movie of my life then the leading lady would be someone else and I would be a background, subplot kind of character. Time is going by and I am not really doing anything with it, something is definitely missing but no idea what it is.

Hope to have a good therapy session today and maybe even go for a swim (quite a lot of leaving the house involved in that plan, not to mention public near-nudity, but it's a nice idea). Not going back to work for a bit I don't think, I miss it but it's just impossible. Hope everyone else has as good a day as possible :)

HP xx