View Full Version : Broken
:hugs:I have been suffering for the last four years and it has gradually taken it's toll on my health & self esteem.I am beaten:weep:My husband & I had a good business,nice home & money.He enjoyed the good life,i stayed home running the business & keeping house.I had nice clothes,friends and enjoyed my life.He went out whenever he could,drinking & carrying on,(4 affairs),and slowley the business went downhill,till he actually had to give it up and get a job.I had to get a job too,the only thing I could find was in a local pub,but it pays my bills,just.
He still drinks whenever he is off work,expects me to do everything in the home,rants & raves if it is not the way he likes it,and seems to relish the fact I have no friends,cant afford to go out,buy myself anything or even try to improve my lifestyle.Everything revolves around him,and I know i am a doormat for putting up with it,but as he says,i have nowhere to go,no money,no friends,so i'm stuck.:scared15:
My doc has prescribed Citalopram 40mg,which to be honest do not touch me,except to make me so damn tired it's struggle to get through the housework,let alone work.
He has told me he will not do anything more to the home,decorate etc,and it will gradually get worse,so much needs doing now i am ashamed for anyone to come in.
I cannot afford to do anything,and even if i could,he has said i am not allowed to.
Most of my wages go on bills,one of which is money i lent him and he promised to repay at x amount a week,hah,never seen that happen.
He verbally abuses me most days,makes me shake and cry & then goes out.
Call this life? No future,nothing to look forward to except housework & work.:unsure:
I get suicidal when i think of the rest of my life like this.................Cant go on much longer.I hardly eat,hardly sleep,have already lost 3 stone,and look & feel like an old woman.
The doc has said my situation has caused my depression/anxiety,and until i leave it will not get any better.There is no magic pill to take away the problems,pills only help you to cope a bit better.
I wish i didnt care so much,i still try to keep everything nice & clean & tidy for him,and make sure he is fed well,but he takes it for granted i will do this because it is better than the consequences :mad:
I'm so sorry this is going on in your life. Do you have anyone that you could move in with temporarily? You could keep your job, save your money and get a place of your own. No one should have to take that kind of abuse.
Hugs
No one to turn to,got my name down for housing,but even if offered something,i couldnt afford to take it,been looking for a different job,but there is no work around here,lucky to have my job as it is.
Sometimes feel suicide is the only way out,if only i was brave enough:weep:
Hi tazzajay. This situation is destructive. No matter how many pills you take you will still be living in the same house with the same abusive person. How can anybody treat another human being so badly is beyond me! Is he depressed? What about seeing a solicitor and see where you stand if nothing else. If you haven't got the money to do this can you borrow it off a friend or family?What about citizens advice? See what they say. Its a starting point. You really do have to be proactive about this because it is not going to change unless you do. You deserve this. Two Mums at my daughters school split up from their husbands 6 months ago and they both haven't looked back. When I see them now they are always smiling. They haven't got well paid jobs or the 5 bed detached houses they used to have but they have their lives back. Both said it hasn't been easy but don't regret it.How bad does it have to get before you say enough is enough. Please don't let it get so far there's no turning back. Meanwhile, could you stay out of each others way and keep contact to an absolute minimum?.What is the worse he would do? If you act like a doormat he will carry on treating you like one. I hope I don't sound harsh because I really feel for you and you HAVE to take action before he destroys you. There are some nice men out there who would cherish you like you should be cherished if thats what you want ofcourse. Good luck.:)
:blush:Thanks for those kind words,and I know i have to do aomething soon.I cry almost all the time,and feel so weak & ill,my body will eventually give up.He even asked me last week where my will etc was 'cos he reckons i'm on the way out.Also said thats why he wants me gone,so my death wont be blamed on him!! :scared15:
OMG! I'm afraid he isn't worth wasting any more time on. Please get some advice and help. It is out there. I am not saying this is your situation but my CBT counsellor said it is surprising how many men and women have depression as a result of their relationship with their partners rather than being clinical depression as at first thought. Have you seen a counsellor by the way?
~Where do I go for advice/help?.Council can do nothing,doc just gives out more pills,no-one to help me sort myself out.Even Womans Aid charge you to stay at a refuge,I cannot afford to even go there :( My credit card and car loan must be paid and anything left over goes on petrol and personal items ie shampoo,deodarant,toothpaste etc.Ok,i have the odd bar of choc,but even if i cut that out,it wont pay for somewhere else to live.He knows I am trapped.He told me last night he can go out and have as many affairs as he wants,what can I do.......nothing!! Put up with it & shut up !! That was after he had been and bought food for the week for me to cook for him to come home to :(
My day off today & i have done all the 'wifey' duties,instead i should have been out there having a life like other women,shopping,visiting and maybe having a laugh or two,instead i have cried & cleaned,cried & cooked,cried & washed & ironed,arghhhhh.
Stop the world i want to get off now !!!!!~
Hi Tazza
I think you know yourself that the only way to address your depression is to get out of this situation, and you seem to be hitting brick walls with council etc. The trouble with these authorities is that you really have to fight and pester them to get the results you want. This is where you need an ally, because you have so little fight in you right now. Do you have any other family? Even if your not close...blood is thicker than water. I was contacted by a cousin of mine a few years ago, who was also in an abusive relationship, I hadn't seen her since i was a child. She was alone and said she was sorry but she didn't know where else to turn. I was more than happy to help, it really made no difference that i didn't know her well, she was still my family.
Try to think of anyone from your past, friend/family that you trust, even if you haven't seen them in years. People are so often honoured to be asked to assist. You need to reach out and pull in any resource you can.
Sending you love and hugs
Bexie
I have no-one,that is the point!!!!! Feel like a hamster on a wheel,so damn tired and fed up & so very scared of the future :weep:
tazzajay, bexieb's advice is really good. do you really have nobody to ask for help or is it because you feel so depressed you think you haven't? Have you siblings, or an old school friend......?What do you do for yourself? Do you go out with friends or have a hobby? The focus is too much on your hubby and looking after him.What would he do if you didn't look after him? You are entitled to a life you know. Have you ever stood up to him and if so what did he do/say?Are you scared of him?Sorry there are so many questions but they are there to be asked if you want help.When push comes to shove though, the ball really will be in your court! I hate people being mentally tortured as much as physical and thats whats happening to you. Don't give up, you can have a better life but it won't come easy. Have you tried cit advice yet?
I have family,but they all have family and own probs.Mum is in sheltered housing,so cant go there.I no lomger have any friends,only workmates who are all teenagers.
I work part time and apart from walking dog,i just do housework and come on computer.
I have tried standing up to him,omg,never again!! shouted me down,threw my things about,and threatened to throw me out on street.
The neighbours look at me with pity,i feel so low and he has won,he wanted to break me,he told me that.
I just want to go to bed and not wake up.
Im so sorry you feel like this ..:hugs:You must get away from this appalling situation as soon as you can ..You are working part time and if you need any further help with paying rent etc you would be entitled to help from the Government ,This will also apply if you go to the womens Refuge ..Someone there will help you claim what you are entitled to .Your state of mind and general health will not get any better whilst you stay where you are ..What a vile man he is .:lac:.You do not deserve to be treated like this ,My heart goes out to you ..Does your Mum know whats going on ? even in sheltered housing they can have guests stay ..could you go and sleep at hers for a bit ,even on the sofa ? Nothing cant be sorted one way or another ,with regard to future accommodation ,There are policies in place to help people who are in your situation ..Please think seriously about it hun ,,,and do something to stop this once and for all ....Good luck and take care Luv Sue xx:bighug1:
Hi
I'm really sorry but I thought I could just throw in a suggestion, I really don't mean any offence and I pray I'm not talking out of turn.
It sounds to me as if you are in a very volatile and abusive relationship.. someone does not have to be beaten black and blue to be abused.
I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but would you consider possibly asking for help from refuge. I know it might sound harsh, but being beaten down in any sense is not good and if it is him causing you to feel so very very low and you are tolerating such behaviour that it is causing you to lose so much weight then I really think it might help.
Women often think unless they are beaten black and blue it is not domestic violence but even threats and mind games are now recognised for the damage it causes.
Again apologies if I have misunderstood and hugs sent x
~Have been told mum cant have me stay for longer than a week,she would love me to be able to go there,she knows the score,as do most of my family.It is the long term solution that scares me,easy to run now,but to what? maybe a lot worse(ha,cant be much worse) i dont want to end up on the streets :(
Hi
Glad to hear that you are taking positive steps, have you considered private housing sector, the thing is that you do not need to be on state benefits to claim for Ctax and Housing benefits. Alot of councils work under the LHA scheme whereby they would be able to tell you the absolute top rate they can pay for housing for someone in your circumstances. Again a lot of councils also operate a discretionary housing benefit, which is a short term measure for those who are finding it difficult to find deposits and also topping up rent payments, you would receive a 25% discount on your ctax for being alone.
I know the future looks scary right now...but honestly once you get passed the worst of it all you will look back and realise what a great move it was.
I really do think you should contact the womens refuge they won't judge they are there to help. If it is alcohol that makes your husband behave like this they are aware what substances can do to people and the impact it can have on partners...
You will get so much support best of luck x
Hi Tazzajay,
I am also sorry about your situation. You must be getting so worn out, agonising if and how you can leave him. It seems to me that you are so afraid to lose the last bits of your security (house, food, someone you care for on a daily basis etc.), that you are prepared to give up on yourself completely.
Wheter you still love him or not, now is the time to put yourself first. You are strong and resourceful. You were running a business not so long ago.This means that you can connect and communicate well with people. You can plan, you can adapt, if things are not working. You have all you need within you to start over. Don't let your fears paralyse and rule you.
Can you talk to the owners of the pub and ask them if you can put extra hours of work in exchange of a free accommodation for the next 6 months?
Seeing a solicitor to discuss your rights is also helpful (you might be entitled to a free legal help and the first meeting may be free anyway). The solicitor will be able to guide you in regards to your finances. You have the right and reasons to file for a divorce (adultery), you really don't want him to initiate it and present you in a bad light. You might even be able to keep the house after it's over!
You don't show bravery by ending your life, you show courage and bravery by sorting your life out. You have needs, and only you (at least at present) can meet them. You need love and connection (unlikely you are getting it from your husband these days), you need to have some fun and stimulation, you need to feel appreciated and worthy.
Yes, you may be throwing the last bits of your security in the air for a short bit, but if you create a step-by step plan (rationally, like you used to run a business), you are unlikely to endure any more pain.
Hope I don't sound patronising. I really feel for you! I hope you get better very soon and turn your life around. Big hug! Kat
What if it isnt worse? what if its better?.....What if its brilliant because youre free of him and the aggro?...What if youre depression lifts because youre happier?....What if you make new friends and have a place of your own and wake up smiling? What if you meet a nice new bloke who treats you with love and respect?
Its never too late to make a fresh start. This man has ruined your confidence because I can see that a woman who has run a business will not end up on the streets.
Start with the Citizens Advice Bureau. This advice is free. You dont have to take their advice but you may as well find out what your options are. You dont know what help is out there for you unless you reach for it. Just try. One step at a time.
Heres the link. http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
My dear Tazzajay.
Please forgive me, but speaking as a man, your husband is no more than a bully (and that's the polite description). He is feeding off your weakness and by the sounds of it, gaining some pleasure from the emotional abuse that he is subjecting you to. You say he's had 4 affairs (and obviously got away with them) and no doubt there will be a 5th as time goes on. I believe that all the time he is in control, he will continue this pathetic assault on you. In my experience, people like this (including some women) relish the domination and the sense of power they have over their partners regardless of how upsetting it is. Normally, this can be the result of a feeling of inadequacy or a feeling of weakness they suffer in the company of someone else. Therefore they have to take it out on someone (or thing) that is smaller and/or weaker than them. Of course they will never openly admit this because doing so would therefore prove that they too have a weakness.
You are right, there is no 'Magic Pill' available. But there is something probably better than that available, and that is YOU! Believe me, I know you are feeling like crap, I know you probably dread hearing him come in, I know you probably get days when you think what's the point and just want to end it all because you can see no way out. But there are also probably days when you enjoy feeling the sun on your face. There are probably days when a certain piece of music just gives you a very slight lift or reminds you of a happy time. Whatever it is, these are the days that matter. No doubt I would believe there are times when you get angry about the situation and also with yourself? Therfore, use this anger as an advantage. Use this anger as your ammunition. In other words try and get into the .......'Don't **** With Me' attitude.
If you want to do something to or around the house, then sodding well do it! If you don't feel like getting his dinner, then don't. Don't get sad, get even. You have every right to life as much as everyone on this earth. Unfortunately, there will always be the odd ******** to make our life a misery. I've been there and been through it and believe me, the one thing they hate is when we fight back. Believe me, the strength is inside you. No man should ever treat a woman the way he treats you.
Most men would love a wife like you (me included).
If you're going through hell, then keep going!
Always here for you.
Horse.
~Thanks to everyone who has taken the trouble to respond to this thread.I have taken heed of what has been written,it is just getting the motivation to do something positive.
I feel so damn weak and scared,he has taken the last bit of my strength and self esteem.It is so easy to say to someone else just go for it and sod the what ifs,but when you have severe clinical depression it is not so easy to do that.Yes,i dread him coming in,yes,i get scared and cry if i cannot do everything the way he wants.
perhaps it is because i care to much,not about him,but i cannot live in filth and dirt the way he wants me to.He has no pride,and justs uses the house to eat and sleep basically.We are both over 50 now,it gets harder to everything the way we did in our youth.I dare not fight back,he may turn violent,and at the moment i have only had verbal abuse,and the odd threat of violence.i dont want him to actually hit me.:ohmy:
tazzajay can you do something...can you make an appointment to talk to citizens advice? If you don't like what you hear, you don't have to change a thing! They won't hassle you, your husband need never know....you never know it might just start the ball rolling for the rest of your life to begin...:hugs:
Tazza - the Citizens Advice Bureau will be very discreet. Like smudger says he doesnt have to know. The Citizens Advice are used to dealing with these things - I used to be an adviser so I know how good they are.
I know its hard because youre depressed thats why I said try one small step at a time. :hugs:
~Thanks again all.Just dreading the weekend again now,working this evening and tomorrow,but it is in the night when i get in,i know he will be drinking and will start.I got up today thinking 'what is the point?' 20+ more years of this? I can't do this any more.~
~Oh well,all quiet last night,long shift in work today,so please god help me get through that and tonight,i need to sleep for at least 5 hrs tonight as back in again tomorrow.I have prepared food for him for 2 days and done all the housework I can manage,but i know he will make as much mess as possible for me to come in to and moan about the food etc.I do my best,it is never good enough,even though he does nothing around the home.Because i asked him to walk the dog he kicked off at me.
Oh well,off i go to work,fixed smile in place again,trying to keep the tears in check because no-one in work knows of my probs.Have a good weekend all~
Hi Tazza
How are you today? I read your posts and they're all about 'him'. It's time to start putting your future plans in place. You don't have to make any definite moves yet, but i think just making plans for a new life will put a different perspective on things, it will give a sense of control that you very much need. Tazza, this is YOUR LIFE NOT HIS. Get yourself down to CAB, they may not have all the answers, you are going to have to put the work in to reclaim YOUR LIFE...but nothing worth having will ever be easy.
Sending you love and hugs
Bexie
what about a womans refuge alright they may charge but if u explain your situation i am sure they will help some how give the samariatans a call and see what they say what about ur employer at the pub can they help its all the advice i can offer hope it helps. u may b able to claim benefits which womens aid can help u get if u go there all the best.
hugs and kisses
:blush:Thanks all.I cannot believe how much support is offered on here.Well I got through the weekend,with a few tears and panic attacks.Got to see my doc again next week,so going to ask him for a letter for the council stating how my living here is affecting my health,and maybe that will help a bit.Have been told by a neighbour that 'hubby' is rumoured to be seeing someone again,so all the village is laughing behind my back again.
:weep:Having a really bad day today.Not much sleep & my head is buzzing.Sat on here when there is loads to do & work to face tonight,and all I really want to do is sleep.I feel so guilty i am unable to motivate myself,how do others cope? I have no kids to worry about,and I know what I don't do today will still be there tomorrow and the next day,but it is the feeling of futility,why do these things?what is the point? Just about managed to eat a sandwich because I know i have to eat something,but i feel sick already.I cant stop shaking,and sure i will have a panic attack soon,it is building up and the tears have started,have to go offline,sorry all :blush:
Hi. sorry you are feeling like this. I'm not having good day either. What I know I need is to go swimming. That would lift me but I can't cause daughter needs feeding and taking to brownies. I have promised myself I will do it tomorrow though. I hope you don't mind me saying this but what do you do for pleasure? It's just that all you seem to do is housework, and look after the house n hubby. What do you do that is for you, to make you feel good? What would you LIKE to do? I think you REALLY NEED something to look forward to!
~I dont do anything apart from work & housework,look after him & the dog.I used to go out with my friends and family,but now this job entails working eves and weekend eves,so no chance of going anywhere.Also all my wages go to pay bills,so no new clothes,make up etc.I have lost so much weight the past year the only clothes that do fit me is work uniform,and when not in that im in my pj's in the house or old baggy clothes with a big coat over the top to go to shop with the dog.
Not a pretty picture eh?? I would love to be the 'old' me,going around the shops with my mum & sister,out on a Sat night watching a band and having a few drinks with mates.Those days are long gone now.House is a crumbling disaster zone like me too.
See why I hate waking up? Sleep when it comes is a relief :)
tazzzajay, I really hope you can find a way out of your situation.
You deserve so much better :hugs:
What about meeting up with a friend or relative at your or her house for coffee in the daytime?Something FOR YOU! This must be possible surely! A small thing like this can get the ball rolling to new interests! Life can't be just work n no play can it?
Hi Tazz.....sorry your feeling so low. Keep your eye open for a day job. Maybe other pubs in the area want day staff. Have you had a look in your local paper at the jobs section?
Go for some really long walks with the dog to a nice park - anything to break up your day. :hugs:
~Nice thoughts,but my days are busy here doing the things that need to be done before work.I do take the dog for walks,my only escape,don't know what I will do when he is gone.As for another job,one is wearing me out because I get no help here in the house,and the job i have entails being on my feet for the whole shift as a waitress/barmaid.It is a large restaurant and we have to cover the whole floor so it is go go go till we finish our shift,no sit downs or chance to catch your breath.I feel so damn tired before I get to work,it is a wonder I can keep going.I worry so much that I will not be able to do it much longer,then what???? I check for new jobs constantly but my age,lack of experience in anything,and my state of health all hold me back,also there are no jobs around here for anyone.
Surely not everyone feels like this when they reach 50 ffs,there has to be something worth fighting for!
The something worth fighting for is you.
Hopefully the doctor will be able to write that letter next week for you. Channel your energy into making youself feel better - sod the housework, if you need to sleep, you go ahead and sleep.
What an awful situation you are in, the advice from the other posts are really good, try and meet up with friends in the day. The positives are that you have a job, and that you are wanting more because you know you deserve more.
Fingers crossed, it will start moving ahead soon. Wishing lots of luck x
You recently mentioned your Mum and sister - can they help you?? You really need to get out of this situation. Go and stay with them?
Hi tazzajay,
I absolutely agree that you must get out of the situation and that should be your focus. Hopefully your doctor will write that letter and it will make all the difference to the authorities. The relationship you are in may not be violent but it is certainly abusive. No-one should have to live like that.
Speak to your sister, try to track down those old friends of yours, or even someone you trust at work and find out if you can stay with one of them for a while while you get alternative accommodation sorted out.
I know everyone here means well with their suggestions about long walks etc. but even if you could do that it would be like a raindrop in the ocean. It wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. You need to get out of there.
You can do it tazza! Don't be too proud to ask for help from those closest to you, I am sure they will be more thn pleased to help. You are strong. You haven't done anything to deseve this and you have the right to a happier life. Enough is enough.
I am rooting for you girl! :hugs:
B
:weep::weep:After a weekend of hanging on in there,i have decided enough is enough,i dont want this any more.treated like dirt all around,so better of out of this.Thanks for all the support anyway :hugs:
Hi. U ok. I am worried bout you!
Yes, please let us know you are ok tazza.
Hi Tazza,
We are getting worried about you, how are you doing xx
cherrychick
09-02-10, 14:15
find the nearest women's aid - not to end up in a hostel...but they have tonnes of support systems...even if they can let you know where the nearest women's group is for emotional support and a shoulder to cry on....I've been there...for 10 years I let him emotionally, mentally and socially destroy me and finally found my way out...still hurts like hell but its worth it - if you need anyone to talk to pm me
:hugs:
:hugs:just wanted to say that although my situation is nowhere near as bad as yours - my husband doesnt have affairs or expect me to do everything around the house etc - he can be very distant and critical, gives no support and would rather say something negative than positive - and all of this has hurt me greatly, as like you i have little support - well none - and i have to look after our daughter, so i have to be strong!!! but i also have to be strong for myself - which is what others are urging you to do - put yourself first, even if at first it will hurt alot, eventually you will get your old self back - but i sense you are not ready for such a dramatic change at the present time?
ofcourse my situation isnt ideal by some ppls standards, but like you i feel there is no way out - but i do agree with the poster who said that the way your husband behaves is his problem not yours - i mean he actually has no personal power - he treats you like this because he feels like shit himself - but i dont think this knowledge is going to make it any easier for you at the moment?
so instead of making plans to leave right now - why not look at ways to help yourself feel better with your depression - you are doing very little after work or housework to help you feel better - this is what depression does - it makes you limit your life, becasue you are sooooo tired and fed-up all the time, plus you are really struggling to mentally feel like going on?and you are very isolated in this situation - this i understand - so for me the only thing i could do was turn to myself - there is no other option - at the end of the day, your ralationship wiht yourslef is paramount, liek the other poster said and you are your own greatest ally.
i totally understand this feeling of being trapped - what everyone is trying to do, is help you to see other options where you cant see any because of your depression - please keep coming on-line and venting about your situation - it is soooo depressing for you to be in this situation at this time of your life - so no wonder you dont feel strong enough to change your life dramatically - eg, changing house, being alone, facing all of the damage this guy has done to you, beating your depression, meeting new ppl, maybe getting a new job - the list is endless and it is utterly daunting - but like others have said this relationship is making you lose yourself - that is the risk you take if you stay with him - but you arent getting anything out of it either - the thing with my situation is that i do get something out of my relationship, however when i changed and became more assertive about situations that mattered to him he did become abusive in my opinion, however other ppl i spoke to didnt feel that it was and because he has given up so much for me then really my expectations are probably too high, however i dont intend to accept any shit form my husband - but your husband is now being blatantly emotionaly abusive.
you can talk to samaritans like other poster said -thats what they are there for to help ppl who are desperate - and also you can look into the agencies in your area tha tdeal with this just in case things got worse - we all hope you are okay, pls let us know as soon as you can - emma xxx
Hey Taz..... um getting worried about you ??????????? is everything ok xxxxxxxxxxxxx
she hasnt been on-line since the 20th feb - i was also really worried about her, but then had personal stuff to deal with myself so havent been on-line until today since early march - im really saddened to see that she hasnt come back on-line and it really makes you wonder how she is coping with the situation she is in as it sounds so bad - just hope she is getting some help from somewhere?
I left my husband 3 years ago now. He was verbally abusive, occasionally physically. We had a nice, big 3 bed house which was sold and I was saddled with his debts. Me and my new partner cannot afford a mortgage now and live in a one bed rented house. My credit rating is shot. However, I am so happy now and would do it all again. There is always a way out. xx
Given the posts above I decided to see whether this username appeared on other social networking forums.
What would seem to be the same person does appear on a friendship site with a last visit date of yesterday so hopefully she is getting support there.
Tazzajay - if you are reading I'm not stalking you but some people were worried about your welfare after the way you signed off last time.
Hope things have improved for you.
:)i was worried, but she has had no activity according to her profile since feb so she wont know we are concerned anyway - i felt drawn to her thread because i am in a miserable marriage, which although nowhere near as bad as her situation, was and is making me miserable - but i definately dont see a way out - which i dont think tazzajay did which was why i felt we had something in common? but im very happy for anyone who has been able to move on and get themselves into a happier situation:)
Been to long since we have heard from her.... i hope she is ok ?? xxxxx
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