MOMINPANIC
28-01-10, 22:31
I think I have always had anxiety issues to some extent or another. I think it has just gotten worse over the years, espcially after my son was born.
I never really thought of myself as having a cancer phobia until a couple months ago when I found a huge lump in my throat. The first doctor I saw, I think thought I was crazy and pretty much told me it was normal, when I knew that wasn't normal for me. I went and saw my PCP about a month later who told me my thyroid gland was swollen, but didn't feel a distinct nodule, so was thinking it was a goiter. I had an ultrasound which did in fact show a large nodule on my thyroid. This is where my cancer phobia all started. I had it biopsied, and it came back benign. During this time my grandpa died, as well as an aunt, neither of cancer, but it still hit hard. My cancer fear subsided somewhat and then my mid back started hurting. I did some online research, which of course the first thing I see is that this could be a sign of metastatic lung or breast cancer. I was afraid to see my doctor about this. I am a medical transcriptionist for the health care company I go through, so I am terrified about coming across a report that shows I have cancer. It is a huge fear of mine! So, I made an appointment with a chiropractor instead, who did x-rays and my back is just kind of messed up from years of computer work.
So, did that put my mind at ease? Oh, only for a day or 2. Years ago I went to the doctor because of lumps in my breast, and they told me I have fibrocystic breasts. It has never really bothered me, but now I have become obsessed with the fact and am convinced that these lumpy breasts are not normal. I made an appointment for a physical tomorrow and am terrified she is going to find something on my breast exam. I have been overly doing my breast exam, especially in the "extra lumpy" part to the point where I have bruised myself; that is how obsessed I am about it. I am terrified she will want to do a mammogram for whatever reason and something will show up on that. I am only 35, BTW. It doesn't help though that there was just something on TV about someone who recently died from breast cancer at the age of 37, and a distant family friend who is 28 was recently diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. I do have a family history in that my paternal grandmother had breast cancer twice, but no history of breast cancer on my mom's side; however, both my mom and grandma (mom's mom) have had a history of breast cysts that have been biopsied. In any case, I am absolutely terrified for my appointment tomorrow. I haven't been able to sleep, have emotionally shut down, and am in a state of panic.
I finally broke down to my husband last night and he is really great and supportive, given the fact that he has had cancer 4 different times - testicular cancer 3 different times and melanoma once. His father is also going through his own battle of colon cancer. I felt bad breaking down in front of him given all he has gone through, but at the same time I think he understands better that way.
It is just nice to find a site where people understand what you're going through. I know that everyone has to die at some point, I think my biggest fear is just dying young when all I want out my life is to watch my little boy grow up with me around, and I'm so afraid that cancer is going to take me away from that. Before my PCP starts any exam tomorrow, I am going to explain to her my anxieties and maybe she can help me in some way. I noticed a couple of people mention CBT therapy (or something like that)? Can someone please explain to me what that is. Thanks for letting me vent, I just hate feeling like this and having this cancer phobia take over my life.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/nmp/misc/progress.gif
I never really thought of myself as having a cancer phobia until a couple months ago when I found a huge lump in my throat. The first doctor I saw, I think thought I was crazy and pretty much told me it was normal, when I knew that wasn't normal for me. I went and saw my PCP about a month later who told me my thyroid gland was swollen, but didn't feel a distinct nodule, so was thinking it was a goiter. I had an ultrasound which did in fact show a large nodule on my thyroid. This is where my cancer phobia all started. I had it biopsied, and it came back benign. During this time my grandpa died, as well as an aunt, neither of cancer, but it still hit hard. My cancer fear subsided somewhat and then my mid back started hurting. I did some online research, which of course the first thing I see is that this could be a sign of metastatic lung or breast cancer. I was afraid to see my doctor about this. I am a medical transcriptionist for the health care company I go through, so I am terrified about coming across a report that shows I have cancer. It is a huge fear of mine! So, I made an appointment with a chiropractor instead, who did x-rays and my back is just kind of messed up from years of computer work.
So, did that put my mind at ease? Oh, only for a day or 2. Years ago I went to the doctor because of lumps in my breast, and they told me I have fibrocystic breasts. It has never really bothered me, but now I have become obsessed with the fact and am convinced that these lumpy breasts are not normal. I made an appointment for a physical tomorrow and am terrified she is going to find something on my breast exam. I have been overly doing my breast exam, especially in the "extra lumpy" part to the point where I have bruised myself; that is how obsessed I am about it. I am terrified she will want to do a mammogram for whatever reason and something will show up on that. I am only 35, BTW. It doesn't help though that there was just something on TV about someone who recently died from breast cancer at the age of 37, and a distant family friend who is 28 was recently diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. I do have a family history in that my paternal grandmother had breast cancer twice, but no history of breast cancer on my mom's side; however, both my mom and grandma (mom's mom) have had a history of breast cysts that have been biopsied. In any case, I am absolutely terrified for my appointment tomorrow. I haven't been able to sleep, have emotionally shut down, and am in a state of panic.
I finally broke down to my husband last night and he is really great and supportive, given the fact that he has had cancer 4 different times - testicular cancer 3 different times and melanoma once. His father is also going through his own battle of colon cancer. I felt bad breaking down in front of him given all he has gone through, but at the same time I think he understands better that way.
It is just nice to find a site where people understand what you're going through. I know that everyone has to die at some point, I think my biggest fear is just dying young when all I want out my life is to watch my little boy grow up with me around, and I'm so afraid that cancer is going to take me away from that. Before my PCP starts any exam tomorrow, I am going to explain to her my anxieties and maybe she can help me in some way. I noticed a couple of people mention CBT therapy (or something like that)? Can someone please explain to me what that is. Thanks for letting me vent, I just hate feeling like this and having this cancer phobia take over my life.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/nmp/misc/progress.gif