NoPoet
31-01-10, 20:53
Hi all, I haven't posted much for the last month or so, but I thought I'd give people an update in the war against anxiety and depression, cos my experiences over the last few months may offer some hope to others. This is a VERY long post, as a lot has happened. You will probably recognise much of it from your own experience.
The bad stuff first.
BECOMING ILL
I became ill with anxiety/depression around February 2009 after a catalogue of what can only be described as death and mayhem came into my life. My family has been luckier than some; we haven't had to deal with many deaths up until 2009. I'd only been to one or two funerals.
In 2009 alone I went to 4 funerals: one for a 17 year old lad who was knocked off a bike by a woman who wasn't paying attention, one brutal murder which made the national news, and two deaths from cancer. There was a period between December 08 and March 09 in which there was not a single moment of hope. I had no energy, I felt scared and ill all the time. All I wanted to do was sleep. My appetite and sex drive disappeared and I lost at least a stone.
I started waking up at 4am in a state of horror. Even moving or breathing made me feel worse. I would lie there until 10am when I forced myself to get up.
My life felt like a joke. Reality seemed to be breaking up. For the first time in my life I felt like my life was futile. Nothing seemed worth doing.
TRYING TO COPE
I started on 20mg of citalopram. Things started to improve over the next six weeks (despite some very unpleasant side effects), but I felt constantly fearful, and that fear was getting worse. I suffered depressive and repetitive thoughts which increased my anxiety and then my depression in a never-ending loop. I don't know how I got through this with my sanity intact.
At some point I realised I wouldn't beat this just by making a couple of tweaks: everything about me had to change. The way I thought, the way I reacted, my aims and objectives in life, even the way I spoke to people would have to be different. I used different types of therapy: professional hypnosis, self-hypnosis, acupuncture, supplements including inositol and magnesium.
The whole experience was overwhelming. At times I felt that I was literally hanging onto my sanity out of nothing more than stubborn determination. I felt that if I let go, I would die.
FEAR OF DEATH AND OTHER FUN THINGS
That was when I realised that death was one of the reasons I felt so bad. I had become terrified not only of death, but anything related to it, like suicide, serious depression, illness, even books and telly programmes about murders and stuff. I couldn't watch the news and I stopped reading the papers. I became obsessed with my physical and mental health, and worse than that I became very afraid for my loved ones.
My dad became ill with something that was debilitating (but not fatal) for a short time. My brother suffers from severe schizophrenia. My mum is permanently stressed to the edge of sanity. My older sister has a case of Crohns disease that I recently found out is so bad the region's leading specialist said he had never seen anything like it. I still have all this on my mind, all the time.
RECOVERY
As the year went by my confidence was supercharged by the hypnotherapy. I have started branching out and making friends, I had a large support network, I started dating and I got into a rather intense relationship. My brain went haywire and I wrote nearly a dozen short stories in 4 months, one of which came second in an online competition.
My relationship with my family improved (except for my mum - our relationship took quite a nose dive) and I became better able to stand up for myself.
For the first time in my life, my health anxiety has quietened to a murmur that I just sneer at when it strikes.
Towards the end of 2009 I increased my dose of citalopram to 30mg (something I had always been too scared to do) and everything changed: I became positive, optimistic, much more loving, and more bubbly than I've ever been (not that much of this comes across online, but hey ho).
I had some horrendous experiences with the so-called fairer sex which has practically put me off dating for life. We've received news that yet another relative is possibly dying of cancer. I bought a very powerful car that has a few flaws, mainly that it's too powerful to drive. It's front tyres have become bald from wheelspinning in first, second and even third gears. I've lost friends, I've been stabbed in the back, I've found myself bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders some days...
But the bad stuff hasn't brought me down. When the anixety and depression come on, they make me realise how much time I spend feeling completely normal. I have grown so much; I no longer suffer fools gladly, I have tons more life experience, and I seem to be able to connect with people more easily in real life.
There is still a way to go but for the first time it feels like I am really, truly getting there. Every aspect of my life has improved (except for the dating thing). I have to put up with a lot of shit from people at times but after facing my own deepest terror, what the hell can another human being do that will frighten me? If a person who feels that life is meaningless, builds their own meaning, then how can anyone or anything beat them?
People try, circumstance tries, but in the end I have learned what you will learn as you claw your way out of the pit: the courage to believe in yourself and to stand by your convictions no matter what is being yelled at you. "The truth against the world."
This is a long winded way of saying a hell of a lot changes in a year. It takes guts, brains and the will to put up with suffering hell, but recovery is there for the taking, you've just got to be brave and, yes, stubborn enough to go for it. It's worth the pain, because the pain fades, but the new shape it has forged you into will always remain, and that shape is tougher and stronger than you probably imagine.
Good luck everyone, keep going.
OBLIGATORY MOTIVATIONAL PICTURE
http://i299.photobucket.com/albums/mm288/solid8bit/closer.jpg
The bad stuff first.
BECOMING ILL
I became ill with anxiety/depression around February 2009 after a catalogue of what can only be described as death and mayhem came into my life. My family has been luckier than some; we haven't had to deal with many deaths up until 2009. I'd only been to one or two funerals.
In 2009 alone I went to 4 funerals: one for a 17 year old lad who was knocked off a bike by a woman who wasn't paying attention, one brutal murder which made the national news, and two deaths from cancer. There was a period between December 08 and March 09 in which there was not a single moment of hope. I had no energy, I felt scared and ill all the time. All I wanted to do was sleep. My appetite and sex drive disappeared and I lost at least a stone.
I started waking up at 4am in a state of horror. Even moving or breathing made me feel worse. I would lie there until 10am when I forced myself to get up.
My life felt like a joke. Reality seemed to be breaking up. For the first time in my life I felt like my life was futile. Nothing seemed worth doing.
TRYING TO COPE
I started on 20mg of citalopram. Things started to improve over the next six weeks (despite some very unpleasant side effects), but I felt constantly fearful, and that fear was getting worse. I suffered depressive and repetitive thoughts which increased my anxiety and then my depression in a never-ending loop. I don't know how I got through this with my sanity intact.
At some point I realised I wouldn't beat this just by making a couple of tweaks: everything about me had to change. The way I thought, the way I reacted, my aims and objectives in life, even the way I spoke to people would have to be different. I used different types of therapy: professional hypnosis, self-hypnosis, acupuncture, supplements including inositol and magnesium.
The whole experience was overwhelming. At times I felt that I was literally hanging onto my sanity out of nothing more than stubborn determination. I felt that if I let go, I would die.
FEAR OF DEATH AND OTHER FUN THINGS
That was when I realised that death was one of the reasons I felt so bad. I had become terrified not only of death, but anything related to it, like suicide, serious depression, illness, even books and telly programmes about murders and stuff. I couldn't watch the news and I stopped reading the papers. I became obsessed with my physical and mental health, and worse than that I became very afraid for my loved ones.
My dad became ill with something that was debilitating (but not fatal) for a short time. My brother suffers from severe schizophrenia. My mum is permanently stressed to the edge of sanity. My older sister has a case of Crohns disease that I recently found out is so bad the region's leading specialist said he had never seen anything like it. I still have all this on my mind, all the time.
RECOVERY
As the year went by my confidence was supercharged by the hypnotherapy. I have started branching out and making friends, I had a large support network, I started dating and I got into a rather intense relationship. My brain went haywire and I wrote nearly a dozen short stories in 4 months, one of which came second in an online competition.
My relationship with my family improved (except for my mum - our relationship took quite a nose dive) and I became better able to stand up for myself.
For the first time in my life, my health anxiety has quietened to a murmur that I just sneer at when it strikes.
Towards the end of 2009 I increased my dose of citalopram to 30mg (something I had always been too scared to do) and everything changed: I became positive, optimistic, much more loving, and more bubbly than I've ever been (not that much of this comes across online, but hey ho).
I had some horrendous experiences with the so-called fairer sex which has practically put me off dating for life. We've received news that yet another relative is possibly dying of cancer. I bought a very powerful car that has a few flaws, mainly that it's too powerful to drive. It's front tyres have become bald from wheelspinning in first, second and even third gears. I've lost friends, I've been stabbed in the back, I've found myself bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders some days...
But the bad stuff hasn't brought me down. When the anixety and depression come on, they make me realise how much time I spend feeling completely normal. I have grown so much; I no longer suffer fools gladly, I have tons more life experience, and I seem to be able to connect with people more easily in real life.
There is still a way to go but for the first time it feels like I am really, truly getting there. Every aspect of my life has improved (except for the dating thing). I have to put up with a lot of shit from people at times but after facing my own deepest terror, what the hell can another human being do that will frighten me? If a person who feels that life is meaningless, builds their own meaning, then how can anyone or anything beat them?
People try, circumstance tries, but in the end I have learned what you will learn as you claw your way out of the pit: the courage to believe in yourself and to stand by your convictions no matter what is being yelled at you. "The truth against the world."
This is a long winded way of saying a hell of a lot changes in a year. It takes guts, brains and the will to put up with suffering hell, but recovery is there for the taking, you've just got to be brave and, yes, stubborn enough to go for it. It's worth the pain, because the pain fades, but the new shape it has forged you into will always remain, and that shape is tougher and stronger than you probably imagine.
Good luck everyone, keep going.
OBLIGATORY MOTIVATIONAL PICTURE
http://i299.photobucket.com/albums/mm288/solid8bit/closer.jpg