NumbForest
02-02-10, 22:45
okay so for a long time i have been feeling crappy. Defeated, like i just wanna give up but i couldn't work out why.
I have a relativly easy life. don't have money worries or a job to worry about so why would i be feeling this bad?
Lately my anxiety has gotten so so much worse. It controlls everything I do. Right down to whether i eat dinner or not. Everything in my life is a battel. nothing is easy. I don't want an easy life just a manageble one. I feel lost, like there is no way out. Constantly worrying about everything. When i say everything I mean EVERYTHING!
I feel that everyone around me feels like i am making excuses for being lazy and at times, I feel like i am too. but i would do anything just to be able to get up, have a bath, do my makeup, walk to the train station and go to uni without having a constant feeling of doom in the pitt of my stomach, like at any moment something terrible is gunna happen.
Sure i have had this feeling many many times before but imagen 99 different people holding a gun to your head and pulling the trigger, and every one of those times there is no bullet in the gun. Next time someone holds a gun to your head you would still freak out because this time they may have a bullet and it may kill you. See thats how i feel every time i try to tell myself that this is nothing and will get over it. Each and everytime there is something in my head saying but what if this time there is a bullet and you do die?
I hate the uncertainty of everything. nothing is certain and that terrifies me. I need the controll in my life and i have none. Anxiety has come to controll me, I have no real controll over anything any more. The funny thing? Thats the thing i am most afraid of, the not having controll.
When i look in the mirror i see a girl that is completely at the end of her teather. Everyone keeps telling her that if she just tries a little harder everything will be fine. But this girl can't try any harder. She does not have fight left in her to carry on trying harder and harder.
In all honesty this girl is a scared little child wishing someone would just hug her and tell her everything is okay. Yet thats not what she gets. She gets told that she needs to over come this! Sghe needs to pull herself together and just get on with things. Wow what a concept, why didn't she think of that earlier. How simple is that? I mean she could cure herself by just pulling herself together, it really is that simple wow!!
Every night i go to sleep wondering when i will wake up and feel like a normal person. When i will just not worry about everything. That day feels like it will never come though. I feel like i will always be a scared little girl just wishing someone would tell her everything will be okay. It feels as though there is no way out. Thats something that i am not sure i can face!
I have a relativly easy life. don't have money worries or a job to worry about so why would i be feeling this bad?
Lately my anxiety has gotten so so much worse. It controlls everything I do. Right down to whether i eat dinner or not. Everything in my life is a battel. nothing is easy. I don't want an easy life just a manageble one. I feel lost, like there is no way out. Constantly worrying about everything. When i say everything I mean EVERYTHING!
I feel that everyone around me feels like i am making excuses for being lazy and at times, I feel like i am too. but i would do anything just to be able to get up, have a bath, do my makeup, walk to the train station and go to uni without having a constant feeling of doom in the pitt of my stomach, like at any moment something terrible is gunna happen.
Sure i have had this feeling many many times before but imagen 99 different people holding a gun to your head and pulling the trigger, and every one of those times there is no bullet in the gun. Next time someone holds a gun to your head you would still freak out because this time they may have a bullet and it may kill you. See thats how i feel every time i try to tell myself that this is nothing and will get over it. Each and everytime there is something in my head saying but what if this time there is a bullet and you do die?
I hate the uncertainty of everything. nothing is certain and that terrifies me. I need the controll in my life and i have none. Anxiety has come to controll me, I have no real controll over anything any more. The funny thing? Thats the thing i am most afraid of, the not having controll.
When i look in the mirror i see a girl that is completely at the end of her teather. Everyone keeps telling her that if she just tries a little harder everything will be fine. But this girl can't try any harder. She does not have fight left in her to carry on trying harder and harder.
In all honesty this girl is a scared little child wishing someone would just hug her and tell her everything is okay. Yet thats not what she gets. She gets told that she needs to over come this! Sghe needs to pull herself together and just get on with things. Wow what a concept, why didn't she think of that earlier. How simple is that? I mean she could cure herself by just pulling herself together, it really is that simple wow!!
Every night i go to sleep wondering when i will wake up and feel like a normal person. When i will just not worry about everything. That day feels like it will never come though. I feel like i will always be a scared little girl just wishing someone would tell her everything will be okay. It feels as though there is no way out. Thats something that i am not sure i can face!