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Quailman
30-12-05, 01:15
Wow. Just stumbled across this site by accident (well kinda) but felt it would be stupid of me not to give it a go.

Until about 13/14 months ago, one of the first words I would have used to describe myself would have been laid back. I wasn't worried about the future or deadlines (I more or less sailed through my degree pretty smoothly) or getting up in front of other people (it was a drama degree) or even looking stupid in front of other people (as I say - drama degree). I enjoyed responsibility and responded to it well. I was willing to face things that scared me and I was ready to start the rest of my life.

But on the 24th November 2004 (yep it's that specific) everything changed. I was touring schools with a theatre company in Manchester and for know apparant reason just before the start of the afternoon performances on this day I became terrified that I was going to be sick. I wasn't worried about the performance or anything like that but the cause and the symptom of my fear was this sudden and irrational fear of being sick. For the rest of that tour (which continued till Christmas) I couldn't shake that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I desperately wanted the tour to end and to go back home and never perform again (something I've always loved doing in the past).

A month or so later the same company asked me back for another couple of tours and determined to face my newly developed fear of performing, I agreed to do it. They asked me four weeks before I was due to go up and they were thelongest four weeks of my life. I was completely crippled by anxiety. I couldn't eat. I was losing weight. I constantly felt sick. I was a mess but eventually the time came and I made my way back to Manchester. However, while I was there it went from bad to worse. I managed to overshadow my fear of being sick but only because it was replaced by an even more ridiculous and irrational fear. I suddenly felt terrified of needing the loo in the middle of a performance. What would happen if I needed the toilet and there was simply no way out?

Well that was in April and I still suffer with it. I can no longer perform and am terrified of doing anything that won't let me get to the loo should I need it. I'm going to see family tomorrow and am dreading the 2 and a half journey it's going to take to get there. I'm a complete mess and this one stupid little fear has completely wrecked my whole outlook on life. I hate life and myself and even my parents for bringing me into the world (it sounds stupid I know but I go through periods where I really resent them for it). I feel completely stuck with no way out. I currently work at a book shop and I'm genuinely worried that I might spend the rest of my life there because I'm too scared to get out and do the things I've always loved doing.

I'm a complete wreck and it's because of something that stops worrying most people when they're five.

Other than that, I hope you all had a merry Christmas and I wish you all a happy new year. (Sorry for the waffle).

alexis
30-12-05, 01:28
Hi and welcome, dont apologise for the waffle as you call it, it is good to write things down and get them off your chest.
Welcome to the site, there will be lots of people along who will post wonderful replies and I think you will be pleasantly surprised at the support you will receive.
I also stumbled across this by mistake, one of the best mistakes I made.It sounds like you have had a very difficult time, I think you did so well to fight it and cope as you did.
I am sure the feeling of not wanting to be in this world will pass as you travel the road to recovery.
are you on any medication or receive any help of any sort.
There is a way out and you will find it.
There is nothing wrong working in a bookshop but I know what you mean if its not your first choice, you are managing to go out and work etc.
Anyway I waffled, lol, hope you get lots of help and welcome.xx



love from Alexisxx

If I help one person today it was worth getting up.

ItWillPass
30-12-05, 04:02
I think that the most important thing to remember about anxiety is that it comes in waves. You just have to ride it out. You will be able to perform again... You'll get through this. The worst thing about anxiety is that it gives us a sense of hopelessness. We have to fight that like crazy. It sounds like it came on pretty suddenly for you... You should go to a doctor for basic blood work. Its nothing to worry about, but it could be an easy fix for your anxiety if something is a little off. Anyway... welcome!

"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance... When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance"

"This too shall pass..."

Piglet
30-12-05, 09:39
A big welcome to the site :D

Lots of people on here share exactly the same fears. I have at times felt anxious about not being able to get to the loo.

It is always a shame when we let a fear esculate but it does seem to be at the route of all anxiety. I had a bad bout of stress 6 years ago which started my anxiety and panic attacks but it has been the fear of having a panic atack in public that has done the most damage.

I am sure you will find much to reassure you on here and get this thing turned around :)

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

feege
30-12-05, 09:56
Hi Quailman

Welcome to the site - you have accidentally and I think luckily stumbled into the right place!

There are many of us out here who have experienced similar things, high-achievers tripped up by anxiety. Many people get over it very quickly and the sooner you understand anxiety and start reversing the process the more quickly you can recover.

You can get over this and do everything that you thought you would do, but it will take some effort and determination to undo the thought processes that have led you here.

All the very best of luck,


fee
xx

Meg
30-12-05, 09:56
Hello Quailman

Welcome to the site

Nothing you have said is out of the ordinary for anxiety. We all have different triggers- some loos and vomiting, some fainting , some going mad but all are similar in that it is an out of proportion irrational fear that takes over. Full of 'What if's' and 'what woulds' and 'it mights' and it seems that you got your way through quite a lot of shows with none of your fears coming to pass. It is often normal too for fears to mutate and escalate if one is losing its grip.

Read these previous links and see what you get from them

Health Anxiety (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/NMPcms.php?nmppage=healthanxiety)

Common Symptoms of Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Phobias and OCD. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/NMPcms.php?nmppage=symptoms)

First Steps to overcoming Panic and Anxiety (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=942)

EXPOSURE THERAPY... (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2712)
To Emetophobia sufferers (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2253)
1st day CBT exposure for emetaphobia = scary (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4930)
A visit to the Doctors (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5503)
CBT for emetophobia my experiences... (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5998)

bathroom obsessive (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=2946)
Anyone else in this situation??? (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6510)


Has anyone else felt this symptom? (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3080)

'what if this is it this time thoughts' (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4694)

Lets try to keep our thoughts in perspective (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=283)
Mind Games (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=1789)
obsessive thoughts & anxiety (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=3096)
Still suffering this damn "suggestive" thing.. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=4288)
How to CURE yourself ! The definitive guide here.. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5357)
Its happening again ! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6094)
Things to consider for success! (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6165)


It is always wise to visit your doctor for a check up even if you don't go into the full details .



Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

Karen
30-12-05, 10:19
Hi Quilman

Welcome to the forum.

You'll get a lot of support here.


Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

trac67
30-12-05, 12:50
Hi Quailman,

Welcome to the forum, you will get a lot of good advice here, and make some new friends.

Take care
Trac XX

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

nomorepanic
30-12-05, 14:51
Hi Quailman

A warm welcome aboard and thanks for sharing your story.

I agree with Meg that we all have these issues that stem from anxiety and then we find something to fear.

There are quite a few people on here that share the toilet worry and I expect Meg has given you some of those links.

I hope you find some support and help on here.

Nicola

Tomimo
30-12-05, 18:12
Welcome to the site :) Everony here is very welcoming and supportive. No matter how irrational and real your fears feel you can guarantee that someone else here has had experience of it or something very like it!!

It will pass and you will perform again!! For now try not to put too much pressure on yourself and accept that it is ok to be working where you are.

It may feel like you will never go back to being the way you were but ther was a time when these worries weren't present all the time and you will learn that the worries don't mean anything.

Try and keep you chin up and post on here anytime you need support. Read the success stories and you;ll see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Annie x x

sueiamnew
30-12-05, 19:39
Hi and welcome to the site.

Sue

freakedout
30-12-05, 22:28
Quailman, welcome

You poor thing, It started with the loo thing with me you know. I understand what you are feeling, as many many others do too. There is one positive thing to come out of it and that is a strong pelvic floor, thanks to all the buttock clenching!!

Seriously, it is awful, the sooner you look at ways of addressing your escalating fears the better. Try to get on top of it now before it influences your wellbeing and your outlook on life any further.

Feel free to private mail me if you like,

All the best for the New Year,
Louisa

Take care

Quailman
31-12-05, 00:25
Wow!

This site's amazing. Thanks for all your words of encouragement and those links were really helpful. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

Still trying to find my way round this site and how it all works but I think this is going to help. You guys seem to be a real community.

Thanks again.

alexis
31-12-05, 01:09
Yes we are all in this together for one reason and another, and will all get over it in time.
So glad you found it.
It will take a while to find your way around but enjoy.xxxx

love from Alexisxx

If I help one person today it was worth getting up.

denise84
01-01-06, 14:47
:) hi and welcome to the site, this place is great.x.

dmcgovern