Not wanting to feel better

[unspoken]

I had a breakdown before Christmas, quit my job and couldn't really function due to a combination of anxiety and depression. My doctor prescribed me Sertraline which I've been taking for over 6 weeks now. I've found recently that I do feel different, my low moods haven't been lasting as long. I'm still really struggling with sleep though which is making me feel fatigued, lacking energy and unmotivated to do anything. But I am still terrified of going out and getting a job, I don't think I'd be able to cope physically or mentally.

But the antidepressants make the terror feel less intense, I mean, I know the feelings, but I don't feel as panicky and hopeless most of the time. Rather than crying or staring blankly into space, I am able to do things like watching TV and hold conversations with people. On the outside, I seem like a happier, calmer, more functioning person.

On the inside though, I still feel weak and fragile and scared of facing the world outside. As soon as someone puts any kind of pressure on me to do anything with my life, I feel terrified. Even just a question like "when are you going to look for some volunteering or work?" or "when are you going travelling?". I feel totally unable to face the future, despite appearing better. I've got myself some counselling and I'm waiting for some CBT, but just organising and going to these appointments is almost too much for me.

This is making me want to stop taking the antidepressants, so that I am a quivering wreck again and don't appear well enough to face doing anything. I know this is a bad idea and I should keep taking them. But I am so scared of getting better because I can't face having to go back into the world out there and dealing with responsibilities again and the things I couldn't cope with. Then I think that if I can't cope with things then I'm probably not "better".

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

[eeyorelover]

Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself and it sound like others are too.
When are you going to do xyz puts a lot of pressure on you.
Thinking of all the things you want to do now that you are feeling a little better can feel like LOADS of pressure!
Just concentrate on the short term. Not next month or next year but the rest of today and tomorrow.
Take small steps.
They really do add up :)

Facing the world again after being in the middle of anxiety and closing yourself off from the world is TERRIFYING!
Doesn't mean you can't do it!
It's supposed to be scary.
Anything worth it always is!
Just keep going!
Don't go backwards and DON'T give up!
You're on the right track and you know it.
Just keep working at it and you'll do great :)
xxx
Sandy

[nervy-paul]

I have been on a.d. (sertraline actually!) for nearly three years now (and awhile before that with time off in between) and have often felt weak and wobbly when I seem ok on the outside. You need to take small steps at this early stage, you can't rush things, I did while I was off them and regreted it. Give yourself little goals, everyday goals. Build up your confidence in yourself slowly at at your own pace, don't be rushed by anyone else - only you know how you feel and what feels right.
Take care, and you're welcome to PM me. :)

[Maj]

Hello,

It's very early days for you to even think about work, travelling, etc. if you don't feel like it. That will come. Christmas was only a matter of weeks away!! You definitely sound like you will get there though. The meds are working and you will gradually get stronger, but it won't happen overnight. Your nervous breakdown wouldn't have just happened overnight. It's a gradual process and recovering is a gradual process. Be kind to yourself. Eat and sleep when you like. Go for walks. Get some basic exercise because it will do you the world of good. Just be good to yourself. Don't try to make everyone else happy. This time is all about you - not pleasing everyone else. It'll all feel daunting at the moment but just give it time. You will turn a corner.
Myra:hugs::flowers:

[Roxy_Red]

Hi unspoken,

I know exactly how u feel at the moment. I am there with u, and it is mental torture. I take one day at a time, and even that does not help. Thankfully I have a very supportive husband, which is a huge help. He expects nothing from me, and if I am able to do something, anything that is a bonus. I am in counselling at the moment, and I am learning to be good to myself. I find this strange, because I have spent so much of my life worrying about other people, and really they don't matter. What I want out of life is what is important. People who have never suffered from depression and anxiety don't know the first thing about the illness and they can't say they do. "Walk a mile in my shoes, and tell me how u feel", I think this is a very good saying. Learn to suit yourself and remember u have to crawl before u can walk. It does'nt matter if u never go back to work or travelling. U just do what u want when u want. U r the most important person here, nobody else. Give yourself headspace, sit in a quiet room or lie in bed and just take time for yourself. Whatever u do don't stop your anti-depressants, they have lifted u up so stay there and gently continue to go forward. I wish u all the best, and be good to yourself. :bighug1:

[unspoken]

Thanks to all of you for your replies.

I am feeling worried at the moment because my parents have been away for the past couple of weeks but they came back today and I'm scared they'll put pressure on me to sort my life out, but I still don't feel ready.

I worry that people will think I am lazy and just sitting at home doing nothing because I can't be bothered to do anything, but I know that there is so much more to it than that. Some people understand that, but I lot of people, including my parents and some of my friends, don't know how hard it is. Thanks for all your advice, I will try to stop worrying about the big things and making big changes to my life and concentrate on trying to make little bits of progress.

[smudger]

Hi. I feel exactly like you. I'm on medication and I am having CBT counselling (started just before xmas). The thought of going back to work pertrifies me. My husband wants me to do voluntary work as a way of introducing me gently back into the workplace. My worries are that I might wake up and feel so depressed again that I can't get into work. The stress of the 'what if's' are my issue. What if somebody says something to upset me, what if I can't cope with stress, what if i make a mistake...etc etc. I know this is all in my own mind and I need to work on this. Meanwhile my counsellor advices me not to return to work yet as it is early days but she did say voluntary work is a good idea if I feel ready. I think it is important though not to be pressured by others, if you are genuinely not ready then say so but do take positive steps to help yourself along. Thats all anybody can expect from you because your health is the most important thing here. Good luck.xx