work

[moomintroll]

i am back at work tomorrow after being off for two weeks, my first week i was signed off with my aniexty and the second week i was off an annual leave, i am now feeling anxious about going back, as the last time i was at work my colleagues were not speaking to me as they are sick of me being off a lot with my anxiety, last year i was signed off a lot and they get annoyed with me if i mention that i went out for a walk or took myself to the pictures to try and get myself out of the house to get my mind of my anxiety, what am i supposed to do sit and stare at my four walls :shrug:

it just makes going back worse for me as my colleaugues are not happy with me which makes for an awkward atmosphere and then i have the "back to work meeting" which makes me anxious as its like an inquisition and i then spend it trying to justify myself and explain for the umpteenth time that its not always a specific thing that triggers an attack, grrrr

so tonight i am going to have insomnia because i am going back and spend tomorrow with my anxiety levels through the roof and my team leader going on "but you sound fine" when i am not really, i have just got very good at having to hide my condition at work, which then makes me worse as i feel why should i hide what is wrong with me, if people cannot deal with it then surely that is their problem, :blush:, i feel like i am getting on my high horse here but it just gets me so frustrated at how my work makes me feel

the more i think about it the more anxious i feel and tomorrow will consist of me sitting with hand tremors doing my work and being terrified of getting the "back to work meeting email" and being scared of i do have an attack at work i cannot go home, the last time i had one for 2 hours and i had to beg, yes guys beg, to go home

i am already having nightmares and i am sitting here thinking something horrible is going to happen to me when i go back, i know they cannot take disceplinary action against me (they have mentioned it) as i am doing everything i can, ie having doctors lines etc and i did the counselling they sent me for and the cbt sessions they sent me for, neither of which i felt helped me, i do not know what more i can do, i got some information which i want to give them but they will not take it

now i am in two minds what to do :unsure:

[pinkpiglet]

Crikey! What sympathetic people your management and workmates are.......NOT!!
Such an added pressure on top of your anxiety is really the last thing you need.
But you are right about one thing 'why should you hide your anxiety?' Its brilliant that you have been so open and honest about your stresses as this is half the battle fought! I frankly cannot see what the HELL it as do to do with your small-minded collleagues anyway. It as absolutely nothing to do with them but obviously their lives are so empty that they feel the need to butt into yours. Why dont you try and offer them some kind of education in this field, ask your gp for some information about anxiety, or print some off the internet and leave it lying around the staff room, foyer etc.. then they might actually learn something.
As for your back to work interview.....why do you feel you have to justify yourself? If they are not happy then tell them to speak with your g.p or ask them to give you an appointment with the company doctor. Explain to them that their lack of sympathy is not helping with your recovery and that you feel pressured by their expectations. Talk to them about what might happen should you feel ill with anxiety whilst at work and reason with them, tell them that you value your wok and that you dont particularly want to be sent home and that you would much rather explore other avenues, do they have a quiet, private room where you can go to relax if you need to. This way you are taking something positive into the BTW interview and your boss might see this as a compromise. Some companies are really good about anxiety and see it as been like any other illness. I also find it hard to beleive that they have never come across this matter before as anxiety, depression and stress are more common than people think.
Try not to burden your workmates with your anxiety, they may already find going to work a strain itself without having to deal with your worries on top. Get involved and join in with whats happening but try and do this on a positive light. I know how easy it is to take your problems to work, especially whe you are such an open book and like to talk openly with people. I myself have realised that not all people are going to understand or may not want to. We just have to accept some things. Try not to let yourself get too worked up about going back tomorrow, i know this is more easily said than done but if you are going to put your point across you need to try and keep a clear head. Good luck, let us know how you get on x

[moomintroll]

thank you pinkpiglet, my work does not have a company doctor they have an occupational health person, who is about as much use as a chocolate teapot, i have already tried to give my colleagues info so they can understand but unfortunaltey my personal department will not take the information and do not think its a benefit to anyone, but i did find out that they are supposed to train people who work with people with mental illnesses of any sort ie anxiety, depression etc and they are meant to have information readily available for people who work with people who have anxiety etc but they don't :shrug:

i just get frustrated at work trying to explain, maybe i should try just leaving stuff lying about so they can read it

seemingly seeing me have an attack scares them as they do not how to react or talk to me, i would rather they treated me the same as they always did that way i would feel slightly better about being at work, if they upset me then they do, but it hurts that they treat me differently just because of my anxiety

i like my job and i am good at my job and do more work than anyone else when i am there, i have been there 17 years and this is the first time i have had a problem with not being at work due to not being well, the one good thing to come out of the last back to work meeting i had was that i have my set hours and that i work from 7am to 2.30pm that means i have a whole 3 hours in the office to myself before anybody comes

i think my biggest problem is my team leader trys to make me feel bad for not being well, and considering she was signed off with depression i thought she would be more understanding but obviously not, my work keeps saying things like they do understand what anxiety but also think that its something i should be over by now, which really hurt

i guess i will have to try to be brave tomorrow and see what happens, i just don't like being treated differently, i am still me even though i have anxiety

[pinkpiglet]

Its such a sad situation that you are in moomintroll that i want to give you all the right answers! The fact is, there are none!! You say you are good at your job and do more than anyone else, i beleive what you say and this usually always the case. You enjoy your job apart from the attitudes of your management and work colleagues so this is very frustrating. You have to think about wether you can continue to put up with this discrimination in a job you love or wether you would like to make big changes and look at applying for jobs elsewhere where you might find that people are much more understanding and the management are more equiped to deal with your situation. I imagine that the place where you work is not very atmospheric. Infact it sounds horrible!
17 years is a long time to hold down a job so i think that considering you have anxiety you have done absolutely brilliant in sticking it out. I do not see why you should be driven out of this job but on the other hand i dont think you are getting any awards for sticking it out and it seems that it is making you unhappy and more anxious to be hanging in there. What to do really want to do?? sometimes a change is as good as a rest you know x

[Maj]

The fact that you've been 17 years in your job may stand you in good stead for applying for others. It sounds horrible where you work. I know I'd hate it because I'm such a sensitive person and wouldn't cope very well with atmospheres. (although people at work think I'm really calm, but like you I hide it well!!). You spend so much time at work that it's intolerable if you feel so bad. I'd honestly start looking for another job, easier said than done I know, but you may just be lucky. Those people sound horrible. Instead of showing you some compassion they sound like a right bunch of horrors. When you get the right job you may well feel much better. You won't feel any worse. Go to work and feel confident in the knowledge that you will be moving on to bigger and better things.
Myra:hugs:

[harasgenster]

Wow! This is EXACTLY what I had at my last job. I'm a scriptwriter in my spare time and there was suspicion from my workmates that I was just staying off and doing that. They started printing off scripts and leaving them on my desk when I went out for lunch - right where the boss could see. They were trying to get me sacked, making it look like I was doing my own thing at work. But when I asked who'd printed it off they all denied it and said "it was just on the printer, we presumed it was yours".

I was staying up all night, three times a week and I was an absolute wreck. I could barely function, I could barely think and I was having panic attacks over and over again all day. My boss even called an ambulance for me once! Even then, my workmates (apart from one) had no sympathy.

The HR lady came to see me and said "I see you smoke. Maybe we could quit that now"....it was like they were trying to take control of me!

Thankfully my boss was lovely and eventually I was made "redundant" (which is a lot better than being sacked I'm sure you'll agree!)

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It's absolutely horrible. It's so hard to explain to people what's wrong and I didn't want to tell anybody it was anxiety because I thought they'd mock me or alienate me or just do the whole "it's not a real illness" thing. They have no idea what it's like. I was hallucinating at work! It was a nightmare!

I wish you good luck and I hope today went ok. I absolutely sympathise with you. People are idiots. Have you thought of taking some time on the long term sick? It sounds like you're going round in a circle. Maybe a long time off would help you "reset".

[messianictalmud]

Sorry moomintroll it must be hard to have to face a work situation like that.
Have you ever spoken to your local Disabilty Employment Advisors at your local jobcentre ? You dont need to be on benefits to see them but they are good at helping ensure people with disabilities and or health problems can stay in work, quite a lot of employers will actaully co-operate more with a DEA than they will their own employee who has health or disability issues.

[BexieB]

Hi Moomin

How did it go today...we're all behind you :hugs:

Love and Hugs
Bexie