It finally got to me!

[Redrainbow]

Well here goes, if you know me on here then you know the other day/night i said goodbye to some of my friends on here! i did not say why, just that i was leaving, i did not want anyones sympathy, so did not say!! i even cancelled my account on here.
Well i think i decided that night i was going to end my nightmare once and for all, yes i refused my friends help, and decided to just get on with it that night. It had been in my head a day or two on and off, but i finally let it nearly get the better of me that night.
I got close to it, but needless to say i didn't? I knew everything i was doing was wrong at the time, but just wanted the hurt to go away once and for all, the feelings were so strong, a few on here ask me to talk to them, but i just couldn't talk about it!
So next day was a nightmare, doctors, guitly feelings and so on, more medication and so on.
All i can tell you is, I was wrong to let the thoughts carry me away, wrong not to let my friends help me, WRONG not to talk to someone! I have not been in the chatroom yet to face my friends, cause i feel stupid! and sorry!,
I don't feel such a coward now, cause this was very hard to write, if it does not make sense, sorry that's just me at the minute!
And thanks to all who told me to stay on here! Thankyou.
ONE thing this learnt me is NEVER keep those sort of feelings bottled up inside, because that is the worst thing you can do, as i nearly found out.
So i know next time to talk,,, and i will.

[diane07]

Wayne,

I'd just like to say, how brave you are for posting this.

And always try and remember, that talking about problems is the best form of recovery, we are always here to help the best we can.

stay strong and keep talking!

di xx

[munkeyinblack]

What a brave thing to post.

So many of us on here have gone through the same thing and no one will judge you. We all just want to help and see you get better.

PM any time red, and i mean that

Munkey x

[SueBee]

Wayne lovely,

I'm here for you any time you need me. Weather its for a giggle or a serious chat. Please dont ever feel you need to keep your feelings hidden - you are amongst friends here and we will support you and care no matter how you feel.

You aren't alone hun xxxxx

[Slothette]

I think you should go in the chatroom hun - they will welcome you with open arms. :hugs:

[Veronica H]

:bighug1:this is the one place where people get it Wayne. no need for apologies.

Veronicax

[pollyanna]

Hi,

I dont think we have 'met', but i wanted to respond to your post.
This illness can do all sorts of weird things to our thoughts and behaviour, as everyone else has said , there is no need to apoligise, because people here understand the complexaties of this illness.
the most important thing now is that you are back , and among your friends, and that you are learned a positive from a horrible experience.... talking/communicating with those who can help and support you.

Take care

P x :hugs:

[Redrainbow]

Thankyou everyone! Once you go down that dark horrid path, there seems to be no return in your mind, my mind would not let the better thoughts surface inside.
But something positive did come out of it! It's such an awful place to be at, you never want to be there again.
I knew inside my family loved me and my friends liked me, but it just seemed the eaiser way out at the time if i'm honest! It's a pretty selfish thing to think i know.

[suzy-sue]

Wayne that was brave to post that and you wernt being selfish ,its the nature of the beast .Sometimes you have to go to the bottom of the pit to see the way out ..The only way is up when you reach rock bottom ..You will not be alone on your clinb back to the top ..Take care and be kind to yourself .Im pleased you stayed .Hugs Sue xx:hugs::hugs:

[smudger]

Hi Wayne. Gosh I am so sorry you have felt so poorly. I don't go on the chat room so I miss alot of whats going on. Well done though for opening up. Please please keep talking, you are among people who know how you feel matey. think of you.:hugs:

[EdwardC]

Hi.
i know how you feel, at times i think ending it all would be the best soloution however its not that easy. As crap and upset and worried and angry and hurt and peeved off as i am feeling, i still have an amazing family & friends. But when theres that little something that you face everyday which some days gets better and some days gets worse it dwells on you and eventually you feel like you are going to break. im fed up of crying im fed up of having sympathetic talks with my mum. Going over things in my head, trying to reassure myself. having intrusive thoughts feeling tired, feeling ill IM FED UPPP!!!! and i dont know what too do anymore, i WANT TOO FEEL HAPPY like everyone around me feels, to just have little things that piss you off, and in the grand scheme of things, mean nothing really. i want that. i want that one person that i cant have, who told me they liked me, led me on then just walked away... with someone else, who happened too be a friend of mine. too see someone happy with that person EVERYDAY at school, out, then hearing about it, its not fair. its not just that that would be selfish, its other stuff too, but im fed up. i know people are like "it will be alright" but will it really? for them really, but for me? its the same old shitee everyday. so there we go, sorry too druell onn..

[Redrainbow]

Thankyou everyone for understanding, was not sure what to expect really. I showed my face in the chatroom again last night,for the first time since i said goodbye and everyone was great. I have had time to think now, and i'm not sure the other night i knew what i was doing really, not making excuses for it, but it all just seem so unreal and awful! and like i say the next day is a nightmare!!!!
Thankyou everyone for still being my friend.

[Alicat]

Wayne,
There is no need to apologise at all. I know not everyone will understand but people who suffer anxiety and/or depression do. Well done for writing this post and talking to us. I hope things start to improve for you :hugs:

[carli]

Welcome back wayne, so sorry you was having such a hard time but well done you for being so brave and telling us all. Hope ur feeling heeps better xxxxx